Life of a Loser
by FountainPenguin
Summary: Just because his hands never closed around that fat, gooey marshmallow didn't mean Ezekiel Foster ever once lost his hope. Now he's found himself in the lap of luxury, and since he was here first, he intends to rule the roost. Inspired by the episode "Haute Camp-ture", this is a story about a homeschooled hick and his poolside kingdom of Playa Des Losers. (Written June - July 2013)
1. Mush-Head Sun-Baked

The place was his.

First a dock. Purple jet skis and a motorboat with a radiant orange stripe bobbing on ropes at the end. A distant hotel proudly atop the rise, white and double-floored, with the pine trees scattered beyond. Dozens of soft lights dangling from lampposts blinked down at him, illuminating the surrounding area with a glow intermittently gentle and unnerving. Watching. Waiting. Breathing.

He stopped sulking the instant he saw them and rubbed furiously at his stinging eyes. When the lights did not immediately disappear, he rushed over to the other side of the boat. Perhaps it was a mistake, or perhaps it wasn't; it would change his fate nonetheless.

"Last stop for losers!" hollered the intern steering the tugboat – he wore two nametags, Kevin and Joey – and he rang a bell by his window as the dented dingy bumped into place beside the dock. The boy expected a plank to be lowered for him to walk across (y'know, pirate style), but instead one hand grabbed him by the back of his hoody, another by the backs of his knees, and tossed him flat on his face. He'd hardly hit the dock before the boat began to chug, chug away into the darkness behind him.

"Thanks for all the help, ya knob!" he shouted back. Unsurprisingly there was no reply. The boat had been swallowed up like marshmallows at a campfire. This was with little question the half of the island they'd been told on the bus ride that they were forbidden to explore, and if it had a hotel, well… He could see why.

And not even a single intern stood by documenting all of this, which meant the place was probably surrounded by stable hidden cameras. Trees, bushes- even chipmunks could be suspect, because if Chris didn't have a problem with torturing twenty-two sixteen-year-olds on a reality show, he probably didn't have a problem with freaking up their biology. The boy poked once at the inside of his nose just to show he would, cameras or not, then scrambled to his feet and took off across the dock. Stumble, stumble, snorted hick laugh that proved stereotypes came from somewhere, and genuine grin.

His name was Ezekiel, this teenage boy – Ezekiel Adam Foster if you wanted him to squeal and come scampering – and in a year's time that same name would be splashed across the news channels where it would flounder for several months before slipping away in silence into the horror stories mothers told their children to coax them into taking baths and choking down their peas and carrots. And today he'd already jumped off a deadly thousand-foot cliff into shark-infested waters, lugged a crate about twelve miles along a beach, been nearly strangled to death by some tough girl, and ridiculed until the very moment his shoes had left Camp Wawanakwa soil. All without a word of complaint, thank you very much, and a one-way ride on some dinky tugboat was the thanks he'd gotten for it? Yeah, some team.

But it was a joke. A trick. They were tearing each other apart in dirty cabins and choking down food that wriggled like Jello and looked like scrambled eggs crossbred with coconuts and a dead mongoose, and this place, with its slippery yellow tiles and its thatched-roofed awnings and its water triple-blue with chlorine and its swim-up smoothie bar in the shallow end, was all his.

"Wicked pool, yo!" His farm boots and thick socks were the first to go, but once he'd felt the water his snot-colored hoody didn't stand a chance. Ezekiel kept his favorite turquoise toque stuffed on his bird-nest hair only as an afterthought, then ran around to the high-dive.

"Heh. Watch me do this cannonball, eh. _The Zeke_ is the best at all a' the- whoa! Whoa! _Ahhh!_ "

He came up spluttering and clawing at the aching in his open eyes. A moment of puppy-paddling around rewarded his fingers with the cement edge of the pool.

"Heh. Yeah, I could get used a' this. Yo! Someone bring _The Zeke_ a fruit plate or somethin', eh?"

Nothing.

"Knobs." Ezekiel hauled himself from the pool, shook out his hair dog-style, and finally sat back to wring water from his toque. "Yeah, well, they're all upset 'cuz I was the first one to get kicked off the show, eh?" For a minute more he continued to stare sulkily at his dripping hat, then he stood. "I'mma go find me some hot-dogs or somethin', yo."

Now, if it were up to him to decide which of the two camps deserved the coveted "Zeke's Most Favorite Hang-Out Ever, Eh" award, Playa Des Losers would have won it hands down. Really, the only thing Camp Wawanakwa had going for it was that hundred-thousand-whatever-dollar prize money. And even that didn't seem quite so special when one had free reign over a pool, tennis court, hot-tub, the entire interior of a five-story hotel, smoothie bar, fully-stocked buffet table, gym, and facial station. Those last two were avoided at all costs, but at least the interns were nice.

And there _were_ interns, as it turned out. To clean, to cook, to do his laundry, to give him mouth to mouth that time he tripped over a chair and said chair pinned him underwater. Ezekiel still hadn't figured out why none of them had come to greet him at the dock when he first arrived, but he thought the fresh fruit and perfect hamburgers he received the next day might have been to blame. He could forgive them for their perfect hamburgers.

He got to know their names, even if it was still a time before their faces matched right-ways-up inside his head. The one who toted the jingling keys and always carried spare lightbulbs was Josh. Kevin had dark skin and only wore purple sweaters, even in the sweltering June air. Drake flipped the burgers, mostly, and didn't talk much behind his black hair. Nervous, chubby Stuart talked even less. Never once, in fact, though in the end it would become a game for all of them to try. Ian was a mechanic. Melody wanted to be a vet. The pretty, freckled girl who skulked around the kitchen with a broom and sometimes used it to chase nosy boys away was Tara. Or sometimes Samantha. They were twins. Well, triplets, but Jordyn liked to throw herself on the couch in the game room and chat nonstop to somebody on the other end that nobody ever figured out.

Marcia "From the States" Anderson was the oldest at thirty-eight and a fan of dressing and talking like she were twice that. After four days of swimming and card games and slurping grape smoothies and losing against himself in tennis over in the court, it was she who Ezekiel plopped beside, arms folded, with an anxious, "Yo, yo, Marcia. Long time and no see, eh?"

She stopped scrubbing the buffet table and turned to look at him on his rock, her hands on her hips, the rag balled up in one fist. "So you've finished all those sandwiches already, have you? It's been what now? Twelve minutes?"

"Yeah, my dad likes to say that I can eat almost as much as our hog Jake, which I don't really get. Uh, what's up next on the menu?"

She snapped the rag at his hat, sending it flying into the pool. A playful gesture. He hoped. "Oh, the usual stuff we dish up around here, sugar pie. This is your fourth day now- you know the drill."

A stain on the purple table cloth required his instant inspection.

"Well, bless my boots! Is our favorite local celebrity starting to turn mush-head sun-baked?"

"Huh? Me?"

Marcia clucked her tongue and went back to wiping crumbs from the far corner of the table. "Come on now, you're a farm boy. Y'ever seen a sun-baked pig before? 'Course not. Pigs are clever. They slather 'emselves in mud and rest the day away. I was just asking if you've turned sun-baked bored, sweet pea."

"Well, I just- Yow!"

The intern gave her rag a few shakes and peered at Ezekiel over the rims of her tortoiseshell glasses. "Don't think you can stick your dirty paws on my nice clean plates now. Tablecloth or not. I've seen you picking at your nose."

Ezekiel stopped sucking on his injured thumb and turned his attention instead towards the tiki smoothie bar over in the shallow end. "Yeah, well… I just came o'er here to say that I can make a pretty mean biscuit, yo. So if y'ever wanted _The Zeke_ a' help out in the kitch-"

"I won't have any big TV stars doing _my_ job. Especially not when they're already Vitamin-D deficient as it is. You want to get me fired? Now, you can just go and move your scrawny little tail back into the sun- and that's an order."

"Yes, ma'am. Word!"

Three days of filming a week. Three challenges. Three eliminations. That had been the deal. By all accounts, shouldn't at least one other person have been sandeled off already?

"It's gonna be that big brick guy, eh," Ezekiel told Kevin, who was refilling the grape canister at the smoothie station. "The one who wouldn't jump, y'know?"

The intern shrugged in response, so Ezekiel busied himself with wringing out his soggy toque.

"Hey homie, are ya done with that refillin' yet? _The Zeke_ needs a grape o'er here, yo."

He ended up serving the smoothie himself, but dozed off in a pool chair before he had the chance to finish it up.

…

"Wake up, little buddy. Come on. Up and at 'em."

Ezekiel snorted and flopped over onto his left side. "Huh? But I a'ready fed the horses this mornin', dad. I swear."

"Hey! You! Zeke!"

He blinked himself awake. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, but even when they did he didn't recognize the intern who stood before him. "Eh?"

"Throw on your shirt, man. The boat's going to be pulling up any minute now. Now hurry up and go say hello to your new playmate."

Ezekiel fumbled with his hoody in the dark and took off across the slippery tiles while adjusting his hat at the same time. He left his shoes and socks where they were beside the pool- who needed them anyway?

"About time, eh. Bet those knobs just realized how hopeless they really are without _The Zeke_ on their team to help 'em out."

He reached the dock a mere four seconds before the tugboat did. He skidded - actually skidded, and he would suffer many splinters for it later - to a halt right at the end and raised a hand to shield his eyes from the glare of the boat's headlights. A shape stood at the prow, but he couldn't make out the face in the shadows.

"Huh. Yo, playa-"

The girl in blue reacted before Ezekiel had even finished speaking. She launched herself over the side of the boat, grabbed him by the neck with both of her hands, and lifted him about a foot and a half off the ground.

"Look, pussycat- I haven't slept a wink in four days. I am really not in the mood for any of your stupid games."

It was Eva it was Eva it was Eva-

"Here's the spit: you give me my space and I'll give you yours."

Ezekiel licked his lips and squeaked a noise that Eva chose to interpret as agreement. Maybe he was too heavy for her at this point; she dropped him to his knees and then, as an afterthought, put her finger on the back of his head and pushed him over so that he lay face-first on the dock.

"And I don't want to hear a one of your sexist comments while I'm here. None, and I mean none. Once you start respecting me, _then_ I'll start respecting you. We clear on that?"

She must not have seen his thumbs-up in the dark, because she nudged his shoulder with her shoe.

"I said, are we clear on that. C'mon. Get up, Homeschool." Then, with honest concern, "I didn't break your neck, did I? Freakin'- I broke his neck! Dang, he's scrawny."

"I can walk," he wheezed. " _The Zeke_ is always-"

"Good, 'cuz I'm pretty beat. I won't be carrying you back to the cabin."

"Uh, cabin?"

"… Where are the cabins? Where are we?"

Ezekiel sprang up and, dusting off his front, made an attempt to give her a tour. But when they reached the "lobby" of the "hotel", she spied the striped couch and flopped down on it without yanking out the band that held up her ponytail. She didn't get up again after that. After a good ten minutes of pacing and coughing into his fist, Ezekiel excused himself and wandered away.

Eva must have slept for about fifteen hours in total, probably not even bothering to shower, because the next time Ezekiel saw her she seemed to be wearing the same rumpled gym clothes from the boat, and her hair had become a tornado of shadow. Sweaty strands clung to her upper lip. A little bit after noon she stumbled from the hotel, collapsed in the nearest lawn chair, and passed out once more. That didn't keep her down for long. She woke the minute the steak was brought out to the buffet table and went at it without any silverware. That was… okay.

"So, Zeke. Someone told me that you don't like the new girl."

He glowered at Kevin over his smoothie.

"Whoa, take it easy there, man- I didn't mean nothing by it. But wow, you sure know how to pick the wrong enemies."

"Doon't look at me! I didn't pick her. She picked me, eh?"

"Uh-huh." Kevin picked up his rag again. "I have to ask though, what did you do to make her so upset?"

Tch. Did he really want to go through all this again? To this random, unimportant intern cleaning off the counter? Ezekiel rolled his eyes and readjusted his position on the tiki bar stool. "Well, my dad told me to always watch out for the girls on this show, eh? And to help 'em out if they needed me to. 'Cuz, you know. Guys are much better at sports than girls are. Girls care too much 'bout their shoes and their clothes and their nails'n their hair. Huh. How many girls d'ya know who've e'er slopped pigs, eh? Girls are prettier'n guys, and guys are just a whole lot stronger'n girls are. 'Tis just the way it works, y'know? So I said that to my team, eh-"

"You said _what_? In front of _her_? Oh man, dude! You're lucky she left you all in one piece!" Kevin wiped his face with the end of his apron and offered Ezekiel a crooked smile. "Seriously man, it must really suck to be you. Do you want your coffin made of oak, or spruce?"

Ezekiel stared straight ahead, his lip twitching once as he heard Eva gnawing on her steak. "Apple, actually, if that ain't too hard for ya." After that, he refilled his grape smoothie and then jumped into the water, rubbing his throat with his empty hand as he slunk back to solid ground.

He and Eva went on like this for the remainder of the day. She would give him a dull-eyed stare every time he moved too much and then turn back to whatever it was she had been doing, and he would try to stay a safe distance of at least twelve feet away from her at all times.

When dinner drew on, their static electricity exploded at the buffet table after Ezekiel made the mistake of saying 'Ladies first'. Memories made of lightning burned in her eyes.

"What's that s'posed to mean, Homeschool? Down to the letter? You can read, can't you?"

"Uh, I was just… My mom and dad raised a gentleman?"

"Oh, my mistake. I seem to have forgotten that girls can't be as strong as guys. You know what, pint-size?" She shoved him against the buffet table with her shoulder, then stood back and folded her arms. When Ezekiel didn't move, she made a motion towards the paper plates at the end of the table. Dripping with wariness, he took one.

"Why-?"

Eva snatched it from his hands and then proceeded to launch it Frisbee-style across the pool. It bounced off a tree and landed somewhere in the bushes. Once she was satisfied with her toss, Eva took another plate from the stack and gave it to Ezekiel.

"Go ahead."

"Huh?"

"Throw it, Homeschool. Like you mean it."

Ezekiel looked first at the plate, then at the bushes where Eva had thrown the first. If this was a contest, it wasn't a very fair one.

"Well? What are you waiting for, huh? Let's get a move on here."

"Just… don't get too upset when you lose ta _The Zeke_ , eh? Ow! Leggo, dawg! I'm throwin' it already!" Ezekiel drew back his arm and sent his plate flying. It made it across the pool, but only just. Then it hit the yellow tiles at an angle, rolled onto its side, and ended up somewhere in Eva's bushes. "There! Now that's what _The Zeke_ -"

She slapped him across the face with the third paper plate and then shoved it into his hands. "Ladies first," she snapped, and pushed him towards the table with her elbow.

So much for watching after the girls. Ezekiel grabbed a slice of bacon, a hot dog, ten grapes, and a fistful of pineapple.

And yet for some reason, even though just during lunch she'd had shreds of steak dangling from her teeth and barbecue sauce across her nose, Eva gawked as she watched all of this.

"What? I a'ready washed my hands, homie." After retreating a few feet away from the buffet table, Ezekiel took a large, defiant bite of his bacon.

"You aren't going to cook any of that first, Homeschool? You'll get food poisoning, you know."

"Cook? Tch. Yo, I ate raw meat all the time back on the farm, eh. Nothin' bad has e'er happened a' me."

"Well, that… is seriously messed up."

The two of them locked eyes. The words were on the very tip of his tongue. Eva only glowered at him. Egging him on with her silence. A long knife lay on the table beside the half-carved pineapple.

"Something you want to say, Homeschool? Something about us girls?"

"Nope, nope. Nuh-uh. Nothin' at all," he managed around his bacon. And, as he would find himself doing a lot over the coming eight weeks here at Playa Des Losers, he beat a hasty retreat back to the tiki bar, bare feet slapping and fingernails scraping like some sort of feral thing.


	2. You Bake It, You Buy It

Now Ezekiel found himself faced with a dilemma. Evidently Eva hadn't been lying when she said she'd been awake for four days straight, because she was sleeping before sunset. Again. He found her sprawled across that same striped couch in the cramped hotel lobby, and now he wasn't sure what to do with her.

"Yo, yo, homie. Uh, someone else got 'liminated tonight, and they'll be at the dock any minute. We're s'posed a' go and meet 'em there, eh."

Eva had a pillow stuffed in the crook of her arm, and she crushed it against her side in her sleep. Ezekiel left her alone for a few minutes, but he came back with a few small pebbles in his hand. The first missed her entirely and the second was too short a throw. The third bounced off the back of the couch. He hit Eva's leg on the fourth try, but she didn't seem to notice. She snored like a tractor with one loose wheel.

"Aw, come on! Please? Please with, uh, carrots and sugar cubes on top?"

Nothing. Clearly the only way he was going to get her up was if he shook her awake. And he was _not_ going to shake her awake. He valued his fingers and his life too much for that. He needed a moment to think.

A) Eva Baker was obviously still upset at him for the whole guys vs. girls thing.

B) Eva Baker was actually a pretty scary girl and she liked to grab him by the neck.

C) If Eva Baker was going to keep acting like this towards him for the remaining, what, seven or so weeks they would be stuck together, then he was going to need to find himself an ally.

Hmm. Well. Sleeping beauty could stay on the couch until true love's first kiss for all he cared. _The Zeke_ would meet their new buddy at the dock alone.

"That big brick guy for sure, eh."

He arrived only a minute too late. By the time he rounded the corner of the hotel, that half-Indian kid - Nate, or something - had almost finished climbing the stairs from the dock. This resulted in a full-on collision between both of the boys, and yet somehow Ezekiel was the only one to fall down.

"Yo, yo," he said weakly, rubbing his head. Noah (he remembered it now- a biblical name like his own) Noah stared down at him with that half-lidded gaze of his. The gaze that said that he was better than everyone else, with places to go and things to do that were all far more important than being here, and Ezekiel had better get out of his way, _stat._

"Where's the fire at, Homeschool?"

"Uh… think they turned the barbecue off a'ready, guy. Sorry."

Noah made a rather intimidating silhouette standing there, his tan suitcase in one hand and his book tucked under the other, his slitted eyes practically glowing from brown to orange as the porch lights reflected off of them. Ezekiel scooted back a pace or two before he realized what he was doing.

"Right," Noah said at last. "Too bad."

There were many qualities that Ezekiel prided himself on, but his determination was definitely near the very top of the list. He sprang up to his feet and held the hotel door open before Noah had the chance to do it himself. No verbal thanks, no nod, and hardly a glance his way.

So far so good.

"Here, lemme get that for ya, homes." He tried to take the case from Noah, but when Noah turned, eyes flashing, he accidently pushed Ezekiel to the ground with his arm.

"Whoops. My mistake, Homeschool."

"S'okay. Accidents happen, eh?"

Noah used his elbow to hit the call button on the elevator, then glanced out the window on his left. "And there are cows at the pool too? I guess Chris was right. This place really _does_ have everything."

"Huh?" Ezekiel pressed his face to the glass, squinting into the darkness, but he couldn't find the alleged cows, and by the time he turned around the elevator had closed and Noah was gone. Aw, wicked! If he didn't want the tour, he was probably an explorer too, then!

…

"Yo, yo, dawg! Noah! Wakey, wakey, homie!"

There were a few rustles and thrashes, and then a loud thump. The voice on the other side of the door was half-muffled by blankets and extremely irritated. "It's… five thirty-six in the morning."

"I know, dawg! Why're ya still sleepin', eh?"

"Look, Homeschool- I know you're a farm kid or whatever, so getting up at the break of dawn is only natural for you. But please, if you value your teeth, tell me that I am still dreaming and that you did _not_ just come up here with the intention of making me leave this bed at this unfavorable hour of the morning."

Ezekiel tilted his head. Rubbed his nose. He sniffed. Then he coughed and swallowed thickly. "Yeah, uh… I'll just… go then, eh?"

"Yes, please go! Go far, far away!"

So Ezekiel slunk down the hall, down the elevator, down another hall, and into the kitchen. Tara and Samantha were nowhere in sight, which was probably a good thing. In fact, the kitchen was completely devoid of any life at all, including the potted plant on the windowsill. Ezekiel watered it out of sympathy, but deep in his heart he knew that the fern wasn't going to make it.

"Yeah, you can take the pigs and cows away from the farmboy, but you can't keep the farmboy from making himself useful, eh? No, wait, that's not how it goes… uh… Well, whatever. _The Zeke_ can bake in any kitchen he sets his mind to."

A few minutes of poking around in cupboards, drawers, and closets rewarded him with the ingredients he was looking for. Two cups of flour - "Nah, let's double the recipe and make it four!" - followed by sugar, a bit of baking powder, and some salt - "That was a close one, yo! I almost used this here tablespoon for it!" - all of which were mixed up in the largest bowl he had been able to find. Joining them a moment later were a stick of butter (minced, and his nicked finger could vouch for it) and a glass of milk. No love, though. His mother had told him once that love was the most important ingredient a woman could put in her food, but as he was not a woman, his biscuits would have to survive without it.

" _Aha_! There you are, you sneaky little ragamuffin!"

Ezekiel's first thought was, "Why was I cooking with the lights off?" Then he thought that since he was up to his wrists in dough, and since he'd already been caught red-handed, there wasn't much point in running. He licked his teeth. "Uh… You like?"

"Couldn't sleep, sugar pie?"

"Well, I was just-"

It was Marcia, up and at 'em as usual, her faithful rag in hand, her typical eyebrow cocked. "You did wash your hands before you started makin' that stuff, didn't ya?"

"Uh… right! Yeah, yeah, I totally did. Right after I watered your plant, eh." Ezekiel stared at the intern for another anxious moment before adding a second, slightly more tentative, "You like?"

She reached out and pinched his cheek between her sausage fingers. "Aw, you're just like my own li'l Dillsberry Doughboy, aren't ya?"

He shrugged off her hand with his shoulder… but gently.

"You're such a big softie, Zeekie boy."

"Is this on camera? This ain't on camera, is it?"

"You go and get washed off now, all righty? I'll finish these biscuits o' yours and bring 'em out to you by the pool in half an hour or so, so long as you promise that you'll stay out in the sun."

"It's a deal, yo." Ezekiel exchanged a slight fistbump with the older woman, then sprinted off. The flour from his hands was quickly rinsed off in the huge shower he found in his suite. He dabbed soap behind his ears in respect for his mother, but he was still in and out in less than ten minutes. Hey, homemade biscuits didn't just eat themselves.

"Yo, yo, dawgs! _The Zeke_ is in the house! Er, at the pool. Yeah!"

Ian was setting out towels this morning, and he looked up in surprise as Ezekiel nearly skidded into him. "That really you, Zeke? Dude, you smell better than you have for days. Did you finally settle your differences with the shower?"

"Word." Ezekiel shook his hair, spraying droplets across the towels. "Really ain't so bad once ya teach it who's boss, eh?"

"Wicked. Way to go, little man. Didn't know you had it in ya."

He nodded and bunched his muscles so he could cannonball into the water, until a cheerful voice behind him said, "'Bout time you came out of hiding, pint-size. I missed you."

All the hairs bristled on the back of his neck. Ezekiel placed his palms together and stared up at the sky. Then, smile strained, he turned on his heels. Hands slipped behind his back. Fingers clasped. He rocked.

"H-hi, Eva. You look really pretty today, e'en for a girl. You know, 'cuz girls are always pretty and stuff."

Ian went away snickering about flowers and shovels and funerals.

"Stuff it, Homeschool. I'll shove you in the washing machine." Eva leaned against one of the rubber palm trees, a dumbbell cocked lightly in one hand. She was still smirking. "Looks like you weren't the first one up this time."

"I so was, yo! Were _you_ makin' biscuits at five-forty in the mornin'?"

"Yeah? Were _you_ lifting weights at four twenty-eight? With those skinny hamster arms of yours?"

"Uh, did I say biscuits at five? _The Zeke_ meant biscuits at _three_. Youch!" Ezekiel sprang backwards, cradling his injured foot, while Eva merely crouched down and scooped up her barbell.

"Sorry 'bout that, Homeschool. Slipped."

Sill glaring, Ezekiel tested the strength of his heel and flexed his toes against the yellow tiles. " _The Zeke_ does not accept your apology, ya knob."

" _The Zeke_ had _better_ accept my freaking apology if he doesn't want me to drive this here dumbbell through one ear and out the other."

Ezekiel gazed back at her for all of two seconds before she kicked him in the shin and then shoved him head over heels into the pool. He came up spewing water. "Aw, c'mon, Eva! You said you weren't gonna do that anymore after I knocked my skull all up last time!"

Guilt flashed across her features. "Ooh, right. Didn't I say I was gonna do… this?" She picked up a plastic chair and _thwack_ ed it down on his head. Ezekiel knew better than to swim away now - she'd running-tackle him again, even if she didn't change into her blue swimsuit dress - and so he covered his hand with the one hand that wasn't clinging to the side of the pool and took it through his nervous giggles.

"Aw, stop! Stop it, homie! … No, please stop. Eva! Eva, dawg!"

"Ahem." Noah's face appeared at the open window of his suite. There were dark bags under his eyes, and he stared down at them both with half-disguised contempt. "There are decent people up here who are trying to get some well-deserved sleep."

Eva glanced over her shoulder at Ezekiel. The smirk crept back over her face. "That so, fruitcake? You and what guts to back that threat up?"

"Yeah, homie! What she said! You and what guts, eh?"

"Aww, just look at him, Homeschool. He looks exhausted. Was the wittle baby dweaming 'bout being mauled with dodgeballs and marshmallows? Is that why he had such a hard time sleeping? I heard from Josh he had it pretty rough yesterday. Y'know, playing _every_ game and all that."

"Heh. He does look pretty banged up 'round the edges, yo."

"What's that?" Eva asked, cupping a hand around one ear and tilting her head in Noah's direction, "You'll have to speak up a bit, squeaky. 'Fraid I can't hear the noise your little lungs are making as the big guy carried the wee little piggy all the way home."

"Can't e;en see ya o;er that window, dog! You should try standin' up e'ery once in a while, eh."

"And… you might wanna get some ice for your black eye while you're at it, Fruitcake. It looks a little swollen."

Noah stared at them for a moment, unimpressed, and then simply walked away from the window while Ezekiel and Eva exchanged brief high-fives. Then, once they realized who they'd smacked, she coughed into her fist and he adjusted the plastic cover on one of the pool filters.

"But seriously, dawg, what's his problem, eh?"

"Oh." Eva waved one hand and started to lift her dumbbell again. "He's been in a pretty bad fix ever since he kissed another dude in front of _everyone."_

Ezekiel lost his grip on the side of the pool. His head went under, but when he came back up he spluttered, "He did _what?_ Yo dog, who was-?"

From his window, Noah shouted, "It didn't happen! Don't believe everything you hear, Homeschool! Gossips never prosper!"

"Ear, lips, same thing. Bad dreams, my foot. The fact remains that the scrawny geekling still got pecked, and the know-it-all fruitcake was still the one to do it. I saw it myself, and I'd bet my MP3 player that we can get him wearing a dress before the week is even out."

"Yo, did you say 'ear'? And, uh, 'bad dreams'?"

"Yeah. So?"

"And, uh, you told _The Zeke_ that ya hadn't slept for, uh, four days, so…"

"Yeah?"

Ezekiel scratched his head, but couldn't think of anything else to add to the conversation. Besides, Eva was starting to look pretty irritated again. He shrugged.

"Those your biscuits that just got brought out over there, Homeschool?"

Eva went inside after biscuits, and Noah finally left the security of the hotel about noon. He was wearing his swim trunks, but he stayed well away from the water and he'd brought his book, so Ezekiel wasn't even sure why he had bothered to come out in the first place. Every time he tried to start up a conversation, Noah would glare daggers at him until he slunk back to the buffet table or tiki bar or whatever, all on his own. If he even looked up at all.

The whole routine was starting to feel pretty familiar to Ezekiel by now, so he got over it.

They kept up the silence act for about an hour, until Eva first shrieked. Ezekiel was the one to speak up from behind the fake tropical plants where he'd ducked, wanting to know if Noah thought they should go and see what was wrong with her. In response, Noah looked straight at him, completely blank-faced, and the only thing he would say was "Gossips never prosper," before turning back to his book.

Another ten minutes passed before Eva rejoined them outside. She made a beeline for Noah, who just had time to lay his book aside before she grabbed hold of him, half-tucked him beneath her arm, and partially carried, partially dragged him over to the pool to toss him in. To his credit, Noah didn't try to fight her or even scream. He simply shrugged in her grip. An _Oh well, at least I tried_ sort of shrug. Ezekiel found the effect to be dignified and amazing and knew he would definitely have to try it sometime.

Eva, lips twitching slightly upwards, crossed her arm as she watched Noah bob on his back in the water, his fingers laced behind his head. "Rigging a bucket of ice above the door to the bathroom? Huh. Didn't know you had it in ya, but I like your style, Fruitcake. Truce?"

He cocked up one brow. "Meh."

Ezekiel's eyes slid between the boy and the girl. Then, creeping out from behind the plants, he cleared his throat. "Uh… Eva?"

"Homeschool?"

He extended his hand. "Truce?"

She flipped him over his shoulder and onto Noah's stomach, sending both of them plunging under. And… and that was how it was for the remainder of the afternoon. Eva perched like a crow at the side of the pool with one foot trailing in the water, lifting a dumbbell and with her headphones snaking from the MP3 player in her pocket up to her ear. Noah floated like a corpse, not kicking, not sinking, just drifting, with his eyes either shut or wandering across the clouds. Ezekiel dog-paddled like a real Olympian.

Eventually they sky grew dim. When Noah stretched and climbed from the pool, Ezekiel trotted after him. They rubbed themselves down with towels while Eva bounced a tennis ball and watched. Awkward "Good night"s were exchanged, and they split to their rooms. Ezekiel's was on the upper floor, and even though Noah walked with him on the way to his own, in his mind he climbed the stairs to it alone. Even when Noah yelped as icy water and pinecones and chunks of rock poured down his back.

So Eva and Noah still weren't entirely on favorable terms with each other, but the following day proved that they could at least occupy the same general area without one of them trying to wring the other's throat.

Ezekiel couldn't say the same for himself. When he tried to pull the same trick on Eva, she brought him out to the pool and left him tied him to a chair for two hours straight, adding insult to injury by strategically placing a grape smoothie on the side table just out of his reach.


	3. Gone Fishin'

The day was bright. The birds were out. The air carried with it the scent of freshly-cut grass. Ezekiel's feet were in the water, but his eyes were in the sky and his head was in the clouds.

"Yo, _The Zeke_ is goin' out crayfish huntin', eh. Ya wanna come with, homie?"

For the past few minutes Noah had been trying to fit a straw over one of his front teeth, but he finally looked up when Ezekiel spoke. "Crayfish hunting? You do realize that we're completely surrounded by props and promotional junk, don't you?"

"Huh?"

"You know, coconuts? This isn't exactly the Caribbean, braniac." Noah felt around beneath his chair for a moment and, coming up with a coconut, held it out so Ezekiel could see. "We're still in Canada. These are just props, dude, so where exactly you plan to fish I haven't a clue. In the hot tub?"

"Uh, in the _forest_ , maybe? Yo, I don't wanna be rude, homes, but the last time I checked, you could find crayfish out there in the streams, eh."

Noah did his unimpressed blink again. "What, you think they're just going to let you leave?"

"I've been kickin' it here for more'n a week now, homie. I deserve to spend a day out huntin'." Ezekiel pulled his feet from the pool and began to furiously scrub down his hair with a nearby towel. "'Tis crayfish season, guy. I'll go crazy if I don't getta be out there, stalkin' through the trees, splashin' through the water, eh."

"You and what bait, now?"

"Bait? Yo, yo, dog! That bait stuff's only for the city-slickers. _The Zeke_ flies with nothin' more'n a couple a' solid Mason jars. Hey, why don'tcha tag along after me, homie? I'll teach you how to hunt 'em if ya like."

"Tempting offer, but I'm afraid I'll have to refuse. Too much to do around here, you know? Nothing personal." Noah lifted the coconut again. "Hey Homeschool, before you head out on your big adventure, how's about you come over here and help me for a second? I want to find out if your head is hard enough to break this open."

Ezekiel raided the kitchen for spare jars while Marcia was out washing tables. This turned out to be more difficult than he had first anticipated, and he very nearly grabbed a full jar of peanut butter. Yep, there was nothing quite like dealing with allergies while hunting crayfish. Ezekiel knew because he had done it once.

He was more careful after that, and within a few more minutes of searching he came up with a grand total of four jars. Even when he showed them off to Noah and Eva neither seemed particularly eager to join his expedition, so Ezekiel headed out alone. No one tried to stop him.

 _The Zeke_ 's been huntin' crayfish for nine years now, eh. The knobs can run, but they can't hide. They ain't safe while he's 'round, nope, nope! Now let's see… stream… stream… Oh, moss's a good sign. It grows in the direction a' water, eh? No wait… was that north? Huh." Ezekiel looked around, scratched the side of his head with his shoulder, and finally sat down on a log, the four jars clinking against each other in his arms. "Least I'm not lost, eh. _The Zeke_ ne'er gets lost. Nope, not lost, not ever."

And he wasn't. Not really, anyway. The smell of barbecue was coming from behind him, and barbecue meant Playa Des Losers. Therefore, so long as he walked in a straight line, like so, getting back there would be a finch. His mother liked to say that all the time: 'It was a finch', but Ezekiel had once used that phrase within Eva's earshot and had only received a confused look for it. Ditto for 'a rabbit on a stick is worth two doughnut holes', 'a nap'll never call for three', and also…

… All right, maybe now he was a little bit lost. A teensy, tiny, itty-bitty wee chunk lost. He could no longer smell anything besides the crushed moss beneath his boots, and the only thing he could hear was the trickle of water running across rocks.

Water.

Ezekiel dropped down to one hand and his knees and began to creep across the forest floor. The jars were snuggled up in the crook of his left arm, and the feel of them against his chest was reassuring as he moved slowly, very slowly. He shifted from all fours (threes?) to his stomach and slithered the last little bit to the water.

Creek, crayfish, jackpot. Bingo.

He could see the little critters, at least two or three of 'em, paroling about at leisure or however that saying went. Ezekiel set the first jar down in the mud near one of the crayfish; it skittered away, so he readjusted his position. Patience was the key to crayfish hunting, and it was so easy too. He'd never understood why those city-slicker cousins of his had such a hard time with this sort of thing.

"C'mon, ya little bugs. . .Yo, stop movin' 'round for two seconds, won't ya?"

It took a long time to set his jar up in the perfect position, but once he had then the rest was easy. A finch, as it were. Ezekiel slammed his hand down a mere breath in front of the crayfish. It shot backwards instinctively, right into the jar, which was then shut tight and raised triumphantly over his head.

" _The Zeke_ has won, eh!"

Nothing.

"I said, ' _The Zeke_ has won, eh!' Eh? Aw, what a buncha knobs."

The second crayfish was much harder to catch than the first one. You could say what you liked about the dim-witted water-skeeters, but like every other creature in the world, they learned from experience. They were wary of him now, so every movement he made had to be slow and purposeful. The twitch of a finger might sent them panicking. It took many long minutes to even move the jar near the crayfish, let alone position it behind one. In the end, he left the creek with three, which was plenty satisfying enough.

"Yo, yo, dawgs!"

"'Bout time you showed back up here, Homeschool. Fruitcake and I were about to send a search party out for you."

"No, we weren't."

"Nah, so maybe we weren't. What of it? And what even happened to you, Homeschool? You're soaked."

"Fell into the creek a couple times, but s'all good. Check out these beauties, eh?" Ezekiel unscrewed the lid of one jar and dumped his catch into Noah's lap. To his surprise, Noah jumped half a meter in the air and scrambled off his chair faster than a charging horse. His book went in one direction - Ezekiel's face - and the crayfish went in the other - Eva's plate.

"Is it still- Did I get- Dude, you can't just- What, do you _always_ go around throwing cold, wet, leggy-type things in people's laps?"

"Uh, sorry 'bout that, man. I didn't mean a' scare ya."

Noah snatched his book back from Ezekiel, glowering at him the whole time. "Obviously. And for the record, I was not scared of your little mud-bug pet. I'm simply not used to people throwing crayfish at my face when I am not expecting them to do so. That is all."

"You looked awfully freaked to me, pussycat. Screaming like a little girl." Narrowing her eyes Eva added, "A _very_ little girl."

Ezekiel scrunched his eyebrows together. Like a girl?

"'A very little girl'," Noah repeated, settling back, albeit with some caution, into his chair. "The next time you pretend to insult me, will you at least _try_ to use a complete sentence?"

Eva's hand twitched forward, but she didn't lunge, much to Ezekiel's disappointment. Instead, she merely held her plate out in his direction and asked if his crayfish was edible, or if it had to be cleaned and cooked first. Ezekiel checked it over, then told her to wait a moment and headed off for the kitchen. When he returned, a slightly-filled bucket at his side, he found Eva and her crayfish locked in a fierce tug-o-war over her hotdog bun.

"See, what ya wanna do first is put 'em all in a little bit a' fresh water, eh. So they're just barely submerged. Like so." Ezekiel prodded at one of the critters with his finger, then yelped as one sunk its claws into his skin. Eva seemed slightly startled, but Noah merely watched the exchange with faint traces of amusement showing in the corners of his dark eyes.

"Down, Snapper," he said, and turned the page of his book. "Good boy."

"So… what now, Homeschool? Is this the part where we get to skewer 'em?"

"Nah. First they gotta sit there for, uh, 'bout five or six minutes, win or lose some."

Eva put her hands on her cheeks and her elbows on her knees. She stared into the bucket for only a short time before she said, "Well, this sucks."

"Dude, you aren't even heating that water," Noah said, glancing up at them. "No matter how long you stare at it, it's not going to start boiling. Even if it's Iron Woman staring at them."

Ezekiel couldn't have stopped the smug smile that came over his face if he tried. "I won't be boilin' 'em for a long time yet, eh. They've gotta get all rinsed off first. In a few more minutes I'll start stirrin' 'em, and after that I'll drain the water out, then fill it up one more time so as a' give 'em one final wash 'fore they get all boiled up and-"

"You mean we're gonna be sitting around a dumb bucket filled with dumb lobster-fish for an entire dumb hour? Aw, forget this. If you need me, you'll find me in the gym."

"Oh, don't worry, honey. We'll come and find you in case we need someone to defend us from a freak dumbbell attack. _Ow_!"

It took a lot of crayfish to make a decent meal, but the three he'd managed to catch would be an okay snack. In fact, once they'd been boiled and everything, they looked pretty appetizing. Noah, however, didn't seem to share Ezekiel's enthusiasm.

"Are they… supposed to be all red like that?"

"Uh, kinda _yeah_ , homes. Ya ne'er seen boiled crayfish 'afore?"

"Not… exactly."

Ezekiel showed Eva how to snap the crayfish's head and tail into two separate pieces and peel away the shell. She seemed to find this more satisfying than the actual eating of them, but she still swallowed the meat all in one bite once Ezekiel pointed it out to her. It was a pretty impressive thing to watch, especially since she was a girl and all.

"You gonna want any a' this, Noah? Homie?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. I don't eat mud-bugs."

Eva looked at Ezekiel. Ezekiel looked back at her. She held up the final crayfish for all of them to see. "Well, if you don't eat this, then I guess that means you're really just a pussy-hearted _girl."_

"I fail to see what my not eating a crayfish has to do with my gender. In fact, I highly doubt that there is any correlation between the two whatsoever."

"It's a figure of speech for calling you a sissy. Just ask Homeschool here and he'll tell you all about it."

"I don't eat meat."

"Aw, c'mon, dawg! I swear, they taste a whole lot better'n they look. And they look pretty good, eh?"

Noah shrugged without looking up from his book, and Eva finally stood. "Well, if Fruitcake here is gonna act like a girl, then I guess he's gonna have to dress like a girl."

"Very funny, Iron Woman. You're a real hoot."

"Homeschool? That maid lady that you're so fond of?"

"Who? Ooh- Marcia?"

"Yeah, her. She's the one. Where does she keep all those dumb, silly dresses of hers? Not the cleaning ones, but the one she brought for Jace or Jordyn or whatever her dumb name was."

"Uh, lemme think here… The ones with the frilly ruffle things on 'em, or the ones with the big lace bows?"

"Maybe one with some of both, just to make a point. And a matching… hat… thing too."

"A bonnet?"

She nodded. "Think you can get your grubby fingers on some of that stuff?"

All through this exchange, Noah continued to watch them with his half-lidded stare. "You're actually going to try and go through with this? Fine then, suit yourself. See what I care. As long as I don't have to eat the spider-crab."

While she spoke, Eva cracked each of her knuckles in turn, very long and very loud. "Oh, we'll go through with this all right, Fruitcake. We will."

"I don't see why you're getting so worked up about me not eating some mud-bug. What's the big deal with that anyway?"

"Is that a note of disgust I detect in your voice? Well, well, pussycat. It seems to me that you're scared of more than just dodgeballs and marshmallows after all."

Noah offered her a shrug, bored. "Whatevs."

Ezekiel started to bounce from foot to foot. "You want _The Zeke_ to go and get that dress now, eh?"

"Please, go right ahead, Homeschool. Don't let me be the one to stand in your way." Here Noah's eyes narrowed more than Ezekiel thought was humanly possible. "Hit me with your best shot."

Noah turned out to be like a revenge-seeker's dream come true. He pulled on the dress when Ezekiel brought it out to him, sat stoically (and unsmiling) through photo after photo, and didn't even scratch at his new clothes the entire five hours Eva demanded he wear them. Ezekiel couldn't help but crack out every time he looked over. Each time he did, however, Noah would simply stare him into submission. Despite his calm, seemingly content expression, Ezekiel never missed the pure fire that burned behind his eyes.

He handed Noah the strawberry smoothie he'd requested. "I'm impressed with ya, homes. My own cousin Jess'ca couldn't pull off that look any better, eh."

"Yeah? Well, I've dealt with worse before. Runt of the litter, you know."

Ezekiel tried and failed to think of very many things worse than wearing a frilly dress in front of millions of people for five hours- assuming there actually were cameras around here in the first place. "I, uh, _don't_ know, actually. Youngest of four, but could've been an only child with how li'l I saw 'em or anythin'. Saw some cousins couple times a year, but that was 'bout it, eh. Dude, why didn'tya just eat the crayfish?" Ezekiel started to raise a hand to his mouth. "D'ya think my cookin' is really that bad?"

"What? Oh, sweetie, no. Tuck that lower lip back in and don't get all injured. This wasn't about some crayfish- it was about dignity."

"Dignity, eh?" he repeated skeptically. This was, after all, coming from the dude in the dress. It seemed to take Noah a few seconds to realize the irony of the situation. He stared at Ezekiel for a very long moment, and then, finally, he started to smile.

"It's like this, Homeschool: You take what you're dealt with your head held high, and you don't let anyone break you no matter what. The first one to surrender, the first one to even hesitate, they're the one who ends up losing here. You're what my people call 'The running type'."

Ezekiel scratched behind his neck and sucked at his gums. "Yeeeah… Think you're gonna have to tell your people that _The Zeke_ ain't really much of a runner, eh?"

"See, you're doing it now. You talk big and stick your chin up like you're in charge, and no one respects you for it." Noah put one arm behind his head. "But your chest is always curved in instead of puffed out. You grovel and snivel for attention, and no one respects you for it. But I'm a 'pusher-througher', pardon my clumsy grammar."

"Pardoned."

"If you don't like the way someone treats you? Brush it off. Maybe they'll stop, and maybe you won't, but it'll drive them, well." He picked up a coconut. "Coconuts. You see, war isn't at all about who's still _right_ about the thing that started the rivalry to begin with."

"S'not?"

Repositioning the coconut in his hand, he split it open with a single crack against the spine of his book. "Of course not. What is? No, in the end, Homeschool, the only thing that really matters is who's still _left._ "


	4. This Just In

There were three times in his life that Ezekiel had been told he was good at making enemies, but he hadn't actually believed it himself until he laid eyes on the newest member of the Playa Des Losers quartet the next morning. Not even then, really, because the guy managed to make it all the way to lunch before showing his true colors as the island's resident jerk.

"You don't remember my name? You _seriously_ don't remember my name?"

Ezekiel picked up the ketchup bottle and offered the much taller, much tanner boy an apologetic shrug. "Sorry, homes. _The Zeke_ just ain't good with that kinda thing, eh. I can tell ya how to drain sap from a maple tree and I can show ya the diff 'tween a weed and a healthy stalk a' corn, but loggin' names just ain't too much my flambé after ya get to a certain point in time."

"Aye yi, yi."

"Hey, you gotta cut me a slick, dawg. I don't know e'erythin'."

"Isn't that the truth? _Le sigh."_ The newcomer rested his elbow on the buffet table and his forehead on his fist. "Well then, shortstuff, I suppose I'll take _un hamburger_ topped with _la fromage , le lait_ , and _la moutarde_. Bring it over to me in five, all right?"

"Huh? But ya just-"

Too late. The guy had already trotted off, presumably in search of a nice place to tan his tan tanner, and then give that tan a tan. Honestly, what was it with his fellow teenagers and tans anyway? Ezekiel himself was already developing dark lines across his shoulders, much to his alarm. Marcia had claimed that they would make him 'a hit with the ladies', but Ezekiel had a difficult time seeing his bicolored arms as anything other than sunburns. He kept them hidden under his hoody sleeves now, and with any luck they would disappear before long. It had been a long time since he'd gotten enough sun that it painted him _that_ shade of peach.

Ezekiel stared at his hands for another puzzled moment, then gave a shrug and went to work. Fixing sandwiches at the buffet may not be his job, but he'd been born and bred a cooking boy, and he was not going to turn down the request, no matter how odd it may be. Really though, there was no accounting for the tastes of some people.

"And by now means'd y'ever catch me eatin' it," he muttered under his breath, and started searching the area for his customer.

"Homeschool! Get down!"

" _Uff!"_ As the object connected with his left temple, Ezekiel hit the slippery tiles with his eyes squeezed shut and his fingers sunk tightly into the paper plate he was holding. And miraculously, he made it without spilling a speck.

"That wasn't meant to be taken literally!"

Once he came to the conclusion that he wasn't dead, or even remotely injured, Ezekiel slowly sat up. "Yo! Did'ya just throw your _shoe_ at my head?"

Eva crouched by his side, but not for long, and she hardly spared him a glance once her fingers touched what she was looking for. "Close enough. I just threw Fruitcake's shoe at your head."

"Dude, why'd ya throw his shoe at my head? It really hurt, eh. And y'almost broke these sweet new shades that my dad just sent me from home."

"Why did _you_ just walk right into my toss? Watch where you're going in the future."

He bit his lip. "Aw, shoot. Aw darn, aw darn. I can't… I can't feel my ear. I can't feel my ear, dawg! Is it bleedin'? Am I gonna go deaf?"

"Oh, for the love of- I'm sure you'll be perfectly fine, Homeschool. So long as it never happens again. See that it doesn't."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Now, get out of my way. Hey! Heads up, Fruitcake!"

 _T_ _hwap!_

"Ow! What the-?"

"That wasn't meant to be taken literally! Geez…"

"Watch where you're hurling those things, Iron Woman."

"Hey, if the dumb things are anything like their master, they can't hurt that much. Aw, c'mon, Fruitcake- You can throw better than that! I saw you with the tennis ball!"

Ezekiel scrambled up to his feet and darted off before Eva could come up with some other way to torment him, like steal his hat or shove him into the water or something. He'd already put the silly sandwich together once, and his plans for the day did not include making it again. Nope, not him, nuh-uh. And after he ate his _own_ food, which was going to be a juicy burger that tasted twice as good as it looked, that diving board was all his. It already had his name on it, in fact. He'd marked it with a pen his first full day here. Right… about… Yes, there it was.

"Oh, hey! There you are, homeschool boy! I almost thought I'd lost you. Over here!"

He was reclined far back in the pool chair, his hair curled neatly behind his ears, his teeth a dangerous glare of white. Ezekiel didn't know much about the guy, but from what he'd heard so far, he happened to be some sort of star in the outside world, or something. It was only when he looked at him just then, like a lightning shock to the brain, that Ezekiel remembered what the guy's name actually was.

"I brought ya your, uh… burger, homie."

"Muchas gracias." Justin accepted the plate happily, and Ezekiel made it a good five steps away before he heard his sickening nickname twanged in the air like a banjo string again.

"Homeschool?"

He scuffed his bare heel against the tile. "Yeah?"

"Come here, Homeschool."

"'Kay."

The hamburger was cupped Justin's hands now rather than the plate. He looked mad (Justin, that was- the plate probably didn't feel much of anything, being a plate and all).

"Homeschool, I hate to be picky - it strains the facial muscles, you know - but would you care to tell me what is wrong with this picture?" He picked apart the bun so that Ezekiel could get a good look inside, but he didn't see anything wrong with it. Besides the fact that Ezekiel wouldn't have particularly liked to eat the sandwich himself, everything seemed to be in order.

"Uh. . .no?"

Justin smiled his dazzling smile a second time, but something about the way his teeth were set unnerved Ezekiel. He shifted a pace away as Justin said, "Well, let's take a look at it together then, shall we?"

"S'okay by me, eh. I didn't do anythin' bad to it."

A tan hand walked its way up his arm. Ezekiel watched it, nibbling his lip, forcing himself to stay still because Noah might be watching, and Noah might be disappointed in him if yet again he reacted like a runner instead of a pusher-througher. The hand paused on his cheek. One finger tapped the narrow scrap of plastic that bridged his nose.

"You think you're real funny, don't you, Homeschool?"

"Huh? Sure, I'm… I'm funny. I'm plenty funny. Once my cousin Annette-"

" _Tu es un-"_ Justin shook his head, then winced and pressed the hand that had been on Ezekiel's neck against his neck (Ezekiel didn't quite suppress his shudder). Then the teen – er, star or model or whatever he was – anyway, so his features smoothed over, and he smiled again. "Homeschool, when I asked you to make a sandwich for me, I distinctly remember telling you to add lettuce, cheese, and mustard to it. And what did I get?"

Ezekiel clenched his teeth. "But ya-"

"One soggy bun, some washed-out mustard, and no lettuce of any kind. Not to offend you, but that isn't exactly the sort of food that gets one's pores to be as smooth as mine."

"But I got ya the sandwich y'asked for."

Justin's eyes turned down sadly at the corners, and he reached out to pat Ezekiel on the head. "Oh, no worries about it, dude. You'll get it next time."

A finger twitched like a claw. Irritation bubbled like acid in the back of his throat. "Next… time?"

"There _will_ be a next time, won't there? Homeschool?"

"But _The Zeke_ -"

Justin started to point towards the buffet table, then caught himself. There was a slight pause before, clucking his tongue and shaking his head very gently now, he said, "Ezekiel, Ezekiel, I can see that you're upset. I feel for you, little dude."

"No, I doon't think you do. Ya never e'en-"

"Hey, everything is cool, man. I feel you. I do. Don't get so worked up. Your accent gets thicker when you do, y'know? Not to mention you put wrinkles in your nose."

Ezekiel rubbed his upper lip. "Yeah, it does."

"We're all still adjusting to this place. And I want to be your friend, Zeke. So how about… we talk… about _you_ for a minute or two, shall we? Take a seat. Tell me what's on your mind."

"Huh." Ezekiel flopped down into the chair and folded his arms tightly across his chest. "Yeah, well, sometimes I just feel like nobody 'round here e'en cares what I've got a' say, eh?"

"Uh-huh… scoot over just a little to the left, would you? Yes, right there- That's total perfection, or as much as you're going to get with a face like that. Don't move a muscle."

"Yeah, so like, 'tis like I can hardly e'en get out a complete sentence without somebody comin' and cuttin' me off. It's been goin' on for days now. I'm really gettin' tired of it all, y'know? It all just kinda… It really gets ta ya, like kinda up inside ya so it's boilin' and twistin', and ya really just wanna let it out in some kinda roar or snarl like you're part animal, y'know?"

"Oh, I understand that feeling perfectly. It's funny… We may not seem that alike on the outside, so it's really surprising that you and I would have so much in common on the inside."

"Yeah? Like what else we got, dawg?"

He didn't miss Justin's brief freeze-up, even though it passed a second later. "Like… our feelings for your hat, of course. We're both _very_ fond of your hat, aren't we?"

"Aw, what, ya mean my toque? Yeah, I like it."

"That's the one. The floppiness gives it a certain… characteristic charm. And I love the color, by the way - brings out the shine of your eyes, you know. What's so special about it anyway? I don't believe I've ever seen you take it off."

Ezekiel first glanced up at the sky, then down at his bare feet. "Well, see, back home on my farm-"

"Zeke? I do so hate to interrupt you, but please, if you could just make eye-contact with me here? For the sake of… conversation. That's it. Look at you, learning so much already. Perfect. Go on."

"Soorry. So, uh, back on my farm - I live on a farm, y'know, when I was little, there… was this… sheep I… kinda made… friends with… named… Terrel… Yo, dawg, you're kinda, sorta startin' to wreck me out a little bit here, eh. Can ya lean away some and gimme room ya breathe?"

"Oh- Of course. My apologies, Zeke." Justin scooted his chair another few inches back. "Go on. I'm listening to you. I _feel_ for you, little buddy. Remember?"

Ezekiel removed his sunglasses, causing Justin to flinch visibly, and crossed his arms again. Staring. And scowling. After a few short breaths of silence, Justin groaned and placed the back of a dramatic hand to his forehead.

"All right, all right, little buddy, easy there. Easy. So you caught me gazing at my reflection. I'll admit that was a bit awkward but… Really, with a face like this one, can you blame me for it?"

"No," he admitted.

"I know. I'm quite the masterpiece, aren't I? Test tube baby, you know. And such handsomeness comes at an equally handsome price. _C'est a la mode. Très magnifique. Navet. Affreux. Tru-_ What? What are you. . . _chortling_ about, Zeke? Have I got something on my face? Oh, it's- it's- there's something horrible on my face, isn't there? A bruise? Some sort of insect with pinchers? I can feel it wriggling!"

When Ezekiel did not immediately stop his snorting, Justin's hands flashed out for his wrists, shackled them in his fierce grip, and pulled the smaller boy closer to him.

"You think you're oh so funny with all your 'yo, yo' this and your 'homie' that. But you know what? You know _what_?"

"Yo! Yo, dog, calm down. It's not-"

"Well? Out with it already! What is it? My perfect teeth? My beautiful face? No- it's my lips! All along, it was my lips! I can feel them! They've turned all itchy and swollen and- Stop _laughing_ at me already!" Justin shook Ezekiel hard, then let him fall to the ground as limply as a spaghetti noodle. Ezekiel sat there for a brief moment to curb his laughter and catch his breath as the model flapped his hands at his face and blew out puffs of air.

Then, "I speak French here, homie. And ya… ya really don't, yo."

" _Quoi?"_

"Yeah, ya heard _The Zeke_. I said that ya don't speak French, 'cuz if ya did, then maybe ya a'ready would' a' realized that ya'd asked me to put some milk on top a' your burger 'stead a' lettuce, eh." Still snickering, he lifted his shoulders to shrug. "And, well, ya can't really blame me for just doin' what ya asked me to, homie, 'cuz _The Zeke_ is always true to his word. And that stuff ya were sayin' just now 'bout turnips and how frightnin' your face was-"

Justin's arm came swinging at him from the right. Ezekiel dropped flat to his stomach, but it turned out that he didn't really need to. The blow never came. Or, that _particular_ blow never came.

"Ah- oh- my arm. My arm. It's strained. The pain. In my arm. Help! Oh, ow! I think I popped a muscle. Can that happen? Beatrice? Am I ruined for good? Beatrice?"

Ezekiel uncovered his head and sat up only once he was absolutely certain that his attacker was not faking his injury and would not be slinging back like a boomerang any time within the next minute. "Eh? Yeah, all right, daawg! I hope that now you've learned your lesson! Now that's whatya get for tryin' to mess with _The Zeke_ , yo."

That was the moment when he looked around and saw that everyone was staring at him. The interns were all staring at him. Eva was staring at him. Even Noah looked mildly interested in the conflict now.

They were staring at him, at him, and it wasn't because he'd just won the local rodeo contest, and for once it probably wasn't because of Justin's looks either. The crowd could only stare, numb with shock, at the big guy as he attempted to nurse his injured arm.

Ezekiel quickly stepped back from the chairs. He managed to flusterdly say something along the lines of, "Uh… s-so someone kinda did that," before tearing off for the hotel like a hoard of wasps were right on his heels. A voice behind him called for a medic, but Ezekiel didn't wait around to find out who it was.

His first hiding place was on top of the refrigerator, but Eva whipped in with her face twisted red, demanding to know where Tara and Samantha were hiding "The weasel who dare lay a finger on Justin's abs", and he was forced to hit the ground while her back was turned and take off flying.

His second hiding place was a nicer one, tucked safely between the striped lobby couch and an indoor palm tree. He'd grown rather fond of that couch when Eva burst into her rampages or when Noah was looking for someone to carry a message to Eva when she'd burst into her rampages. Sure, a bit of fancy maneuvering was required to squeeze by, but it weren't nothing _The Zeke_ couldn't handle if he put his mind to it. And he knew that as long as he stayed very quiet and very still, they would never, ever find him.


	5. Get Over Yourself

"Uh- _huh_ ," he said, crossing his arms as he leaned back against the fake palm tree. "And so then how did you and, uh, Sadie get away from the bear then, eh?"

"Oh, we ran." Katie crouched down, intent on a leaf, her pink shorts wriggling in the air like a kitten's tail behind her. "We ran _so_ fast and _so_ hard that I like, almost died. Down the hill, around the bend, through the gully, along the creek. We ran and ran and ran, and _then_!" With a tremendous roar, she reared up on her legs and smashed her arms around his shoulders and squeezed. "It jumped out of us like that!"

Ezekiel squirmed as the taller girl brought her lips down closer, closer to his ear. "And do you know what we did then?"

"Wh-what did'ya do then, homie?"

"Sadie _grabbed_ me by the waist" - on 'grabbed', Katie acted out the motion - "and she _heaved_ me into the air and she _tossed_ me up into the tree branches-"

"You're not gonna-"

"Pssh, ha ha, no, I'm not really going to toss you, Zeke."

"Then you'll put me down, right?"

"And then I grabbed that branch," she continued, planting his feet back on solid ground with a drop that made his teeth jar, "and I whipped off my shoe, and I stabbed him in the eye!"

"No!"

"Oh, yes I did. And when that bear squealed and drew back, I went for the throat! Like _this_!"

In the brain of Ezekiel, which had long been sweating just like his outsides, it finally clicked. With a shriek, he ducked behind the palm tree and took off for the unguarded buffet table. Katie pursued like an arrow. A brown arrow dressed in pink and zebra print and embedded with homing capabilities. Round and around the buffet table they went, until Ezekiel finally dove over it, missed, and Katie slapped her hand on the back of his neck and held him pinned. The other hand went for his armpits.

"No, no- Stop! _The Zeke_ ain't - pfft, haha! - I ain't ticklish!"

She got him all over without a hint of mercy, and then with a wicked grin she at last stepped back and allowed him to slide, panting and moaning, towards the ground. Ezekiel floundered for a grip on the tablecloth and pulled himself up.

" _Hff, hff, hff_ … Told you. I wasn't. Tickles. Ugh."

"So now you see how I took down the bear."

"Nuh-uh. The bear's way too big for someone like you t'ever…" He trailed off, jaw hanging all limp, when he saw what sat on the buffet table. Faster than Katie could catch him, he whipped out his arm, grabbed the milk carton, and stuffed it behind his back. And she didn't suspect a thing.

"Why'd you grab that milk carton and stuff it behind your back, Zeke?"

She'd caught him.

"Uh. So you don't drink it all up?"

Katie cocked her head. "I know that look. That's the look the anime characters make before they do their big sweatdrop. You're hiding something. Let me see."

"I'm not hidin' anything."

"Zeke. Let me see."

Ezekiel stared at her outstretched palm. "Okay. I'll show you. But you got a' get a cup first, eh?"

Katie shrugged and stared to walk away. She made it three steps before she turned and lunged at him. Ezekiel dropped the milk with a yelp, and she used her knee to knock him away while she scooped the carton up. So Ezekiel shoved her. Milk splattered down her zebra crop top and his green hoody.

And then. Then came the horrified sideways glance back at him, as he hovered there with all eight fingers squeezed between his teeth.

…

"I swear, the only time that girl ever stopped talking was when she was out on the dodgeball court."

"Please, homie! You gotta help me!" It was the first time Ezekiel had ever seen Noah out in the pool, and he couldn't help but feel at least a little awkward about badgering him when he was clearly trying to get over his fear of water, but this was an emergency.

Obviously "emergency" translated differently in Noah's book - something sort of along the lines of: _Emergency, verb, to drink a smoothie at a swim-up tiki bar while simultaneously staring blankly at the only other person within ten meters._

"Noah, I'm a buried man now! She _saw_ me with the carton."

"The carton? The milk carton? Would this possibly be the same milk carton that you were toting around with you like a teddy bear during dinner yesterday until one of the triplets pried it from your cold fingers?"

Ezekiel glanced down at his sweatshirt; if you looked at it very closely, you could still sort of see the flaky, dried-up splashes across its front. "Y-yeah, I guess that'd be the one, eh."

"Right. Just checking."

"And then she _saw_ it, homes! You just said so yourself that she ain't so good at keepin' her mouth shut! Yo, if someone 'cides a' turn me in or somethin'-"

"Hold on just a moment here, Homeschool. Run back a bit. You're freaked because Katie is going to spread the word that you were carrying around a milk carton?"

Ezekiel, wide-eyed, said nothing, and Noah finally clinked down his smoothie glass. "Okay, this is probably going to come out sounding pretty rude, but I'm not going to apologize for it. Dude, you don't look so great. Do you need some sort of medical attention?"

He looked himself over before carefully answering, "I think I'm fine, homes. Just some sweaty palms. Sweaty neck. Uh, sweaty hair. I had a bit of a bloody nose earlier when I was talkin' with Katie, but it's snuffed out now. S'all good, eh."

"Mmkay… Also, note the gash on your forehead, your bloodshot eyes, the nervous jittering of your hands…"

At this, Ezekiel stuffed his fists into the pockets of his hoody, set his jaw, and said again, "She _saw_ it."

"You keep begging me to help bail you out here, but I haven't a clue what you're rambling on about."

Ezekiel opened his mouth to speak, but sudden splashing followed by a cry of, "Zeke, Zeke!" made him swivel around on his stool.

"Katie," he greeted, teeth half clenched.

"Zeke. Hey there, Noah."

He bobbed a slight nod at her. "Homeschool tells me that's his milk carton you've got there."

Ezekiel vacuumed in his breath. "Katie, wait up just a-"

"What, this?" She hefted it. "Yeah, it totally is."

"Katie-"

"Hey, did Zeke-"

Clasped hands- "-please-"

"-already-"

"-don't-"

"-show you what we found this morning?" She slammed the carton on the bar and spun it around with her fingertip. "What a totally awesome coincidence, don't you think so?"

While Noah slowly took in the scene, Ezekiel flicked his eyes to the left, to the right, and then he simply let himself flop across the counter with a muffled groan.

"Whoa, not cool, Homeschool. My arm is a drool-free zone, all right? We went over this my second day here."

"Zeke? Are you, like, okay?" Katie propped the milk carton up in front of his face; Ezekiel stared into his own eyes for what seemed to be several long moments until she prompted him again with a softer, "Uh, Zeke?"

"Well, I still just can't believe she actually went through with it, eh. Ain't gonna take her long 'fore she figures out where I am now…"

Noah did his unintentional praying-mantis impression again with his eyes bugging, his arms pressed up against his chest, his fingers all splayed out. "Um… what?"

"Hey, hold on a second here, Zeke. Are you saying… Don't tell me that you actually…?"

"Did Homeschool run away from home school?"

Ezekiel heaved his shoulders in a shrug without actually raising his head from the counter. _"Yeeaahh_ … kinda."

"What do you mean by 'kinda'? How can you only 'kinda' run away from home?"

"Sorta a complicated story, yo. See, I'm Vitamin-D deficient, eh. The doc wanted me to come out here so as to get some more sun and e'erythin', 'cept my mom didn't really think that goin' on this show would be such a great idea, so… my dad kinda helped me sneak outta the house one night. And here I am now." He picked up the milk carton and stared sulkily at it as he finished up with, "Looks like _The Zeke_ is 'ficially missin' in action, eh. Huh. Wonder if my dad's e'en told her where I've gone yet…"

"Oh my gosh! That's, like, so terrible!"

"You were going to put up with psychopath cabinmates, life-risking challenges, and Chef's horrendous cooking for no other reason than to get some more sun? Dude, is your doctor a complete quack?"

Ezekiel shifted on his stool and coughed once or twice to clear his throat. _"The Zeke_ would not've turned down a hundred-thousand if it were offered to him. Just sayin', homie."

"And yet here we are, the first few campers to get eliminated." Noah raised his smoothie in the air and muttered, "Way to go, guys. Lucky us. Yippee."

"But we get the pool," he pointed out. "We get the hotel an' the board games an' the tennis court and food and stuff e'eryday. All we could want."

"But that's not money, is it?"

Katie drummed her nails. "What would you have spent the hundred-thousand dollars on anyway, Zeke?"

"Me? Uh… well… I… ergh…" Ezekiel took his left wrist in his right hand and began to massage it. "I, uh, hadn't really 'cided 'fore I got eliminated, y'know?"

Noah opened one brown eye so it squinted. "Yeah, and sharks can fly."

"You can totally share with me, Zeke. I won't tell another soul. Well, except maybe Sadie… but other than her, no one. Not ever! Swear by my pinky nail!"

Ezekiel slouched again over the counter, his mouth hidden among his sleeves, and at last he said, "Well, I just think it's more 'bout _havin'_ the cash than actually spendin' it. Then you could have fame 'n fortune and lots of fans n' friends too, eh?" When neither of the others replied he asked anxiously, "So, how 'bout you guys then?"

"Pfft." Noah straightened up, narrowing his eyes. "First off, I'd move as far away as possible from everyone that I know- the very instant after I graduated from college. After that I'd build myself a house with a big library and a huge room for playing video games, and that's where I'd live for the rest of my life."

"What, all by yourself? Tacky! Wouldn't you get all lonely and stuff?"

"Hmph. I would gladly accept loneliness over the alternative- Having people kiss-up to me just because I have money."

Ezekiel looked down at his fingers.

"Oh my gosh, guys, I just had a totally fantastic idea! You know what would be, like, _really_ fun?"

"Cattle drivin'?"

"Getting the heck out of here?"

"No, sillies! What if we started our _own_ crazy competish right here at the spa? So everyone who's here could still feel like they're playing in the games and have a lot of fun!"

"Fun?" Noah scoffed, but Ezekiel raised his head from his arms and started to rub his knuckles across his chin.

"Wicked idea, Katie. And no one could get 'liminate…"

"… because we've all been eliminated already! We just get to keep coming back for more! Oh my gosh, this is gonna be so much fun. I can't wait to get started! I wish Sadie were here with me! Quick, Zeke- what have you got on you in terms of prizes?"

"Lemme see here. Uh. Couple a' rubber bands. Few coins. Two candy wrappers. A dollar. My Vitamin D-deficiency medicine…"

"And I have eighty-five cents and a paperclip."

Noah only snorted, so Ezekiel offered Katie a high-five for her thinking skills.

"Hey, 'least it's a start, eh?"

"We should totally go and start planning, like, right now!"

And they did.

The rapid snipping of scissors filled the hotel lobby with life. Scraps of paper littered Katie's clothes and dangled from her hair and caught between the cushions of the striped couch. She looked up from her cutting as the door opened and then shut again behind him. "What's in the cute cardboard box, Zeke?"

"Dunno just yet, homes. It's… not exactly open yet, is it?" Ezekiel turned it around a few times before holding it up to one ear and giving it a shake. "Sounds like metal and packin' peanuts, eh? And it's from my dad."

"Can I, like, stay here while you open it, or is that kinda weird?"

A shrug. _"The Zeke_ isn't gonna try and make ya leave. But he'd like to borrow those scissors, eh. No, wait! Don't _throw!_ Gagh!"

"Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry, Zeke!"

He had caught the scissors by the bright orange handle, but he was trembling all over and he could feel the wildness in his own eyes.

"Hey Pigtails! Did you almost murder Homeschool over there?"

"Um, no! Nothing happened, Eva!"

"Then I'd better not hear you two picking on each other again."

"Don't… don't _do_ that, homie. You could a' stabbed my eye out or somethin'!"

"It totally won't happen ever again. Promise."

"Girls," Ezekiel muttered under his breath, and neatly sliced the cardboard open.

 _Ezekiel-_

 _Had to get this junk out of the house before your mother found out that you still had it under your bed. Hope you're enjoying yourself. Wish we were there._

And that was it. Ezekiel turned his gaze up to the ceiling and started to rock back and forth from toes to heels, toes to heels.

"Hey, um… Zeke? Scissors?"

"Eh? Oh- right. Thanks for that, homie."

"No problem." Katie took the scissors from him, but then sat back to survey her work. "You know, maybe we have already have enough cards."

"So what a' we do with 'em all now, eh?"

"Well… I guess I can start writing down ideas for challenges, and you can go and see if you can find a jar to stuff 'em all in. Then we can draw 'em out."

"Word. I can handle that." Once Katie had turned away, Ezekiel slipped his hand inside the package and out again, clutching the chain tightly in his fist as he left the room.

Then he was alone in the hallway.

The chain was fairly cheap, made of some material that Ezekiel couldn't identify through feel alone, but it was colored bright gold and even shimmered when the light hit it just right. For a brief moment more he stood there, holding the chain, before he slipped it over his neck and tucked the heavy 'Z' safely away below the neck of his hoody.

Eva was doing one-handed push-ups near the kitchen door, and when Ezekiel passed her with Katie's requested item in hand she called, "Stealing jars _again?"_ after him.

"'T's not exactly stealin' so long as we bring it back later, homes. Yo, Katie?"

"You're back already?" she asked him absently, drumming her fingers across the table. "That was fast."

"There ain't nothin' that _The Zeke_ can't do when he puts his mind to it, homie."

"Really? In that case, I could really use some more help coming up with more fun challenges for all of us to perform."

Ezekiel leaned against the side of the table, his hands twisted in such a way that the backs of his palms faced forward and his fingers hung off the back edge. "Yo, yo. How many've you got so far, eh?"

"Eight."

He picked up the nearest piece. 'Carve a block of wood to look like Justin's face'. The next said, 'Carve a coconut to look like Justin's face'. Another was 'Play capture the coconut with all of the coconuts that have been carved to look like Justin's face'.

"Uh, Katie?"

"Yah-huh?"

"Yo, about all these, uh, challenges that you're kinda thinkin' 'bout usin' for the competish we're gonna, er, host…"

"What's wrong with them?"

"It's just… y'know…"

Her eyes narrowed. "What?"

"They're all so… I'm not really sure that…"

"Um, _excuse_ me? Jealous much? Justin is just so totally _hot,_ okay? Like, oh my gosh. Can you not? Get over yourself, Zeke, or I'm so done with this whole competition thing, and you can, like, totally do all the work by yourself."

"Eight." Ezekiel looked again at the many scraps of paper that decorated the table, fluttering every time either of them so much as shifted their weight, and he gave a low sigh. "Hey," he said again, a little more weakly now, "'least it's a start, eh?"


	6. Capture the Flag

There were feathers everywhere.

Tyler was a complete wreck - that much was certain. Scratches criss-crossed his hands and his eyes had gone deer-in-the-flashlight-wide. No one could get more than two words out of him, and by the time they had decided through rock-paper-scissors that Noah and Ezekiel would be the ones to help the poor guy rinse off, he had actually mostly recovered on his own. Though he still whimpered under his breath, he had picked himself clean pretty well. Only a few stray feathers and wisps of chick down remained tangled in his dark hair.

"Yo, those were definitely chickens, homie," Ezekiel confirmed, tugging out another of the feathers. "When it comes to farm animals, _The Zeke_ is never wrong. Never! But yo, what was up with the chickens in the first place, eh?"

"Give the guy a little breathing room already, will you?" Noah grabbed hold of Tyler's sleeve and began to lead him away.

"Uh, you're _welcome,_ homes." When he still received no reply, Ezekiel cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, "Yo, the three-legged relay is gonna be startin' at eight sharp tomorrow mornin', and we ain't gonna be acceptin' any latecomers!"

The other ex-campers had already drifted back to the pool; he was alone on the dock, with the distant silhouettes of Noah and Tyler his only company in the darkness.

"Yeah, thanks for all the support, ya knobs," he grumbled, and slouch-walked his way back to his bedroom.

…

"Six names in the bowl, I've got six names in this here bowl, eh! Ladies and gentlemen, can I please get a, er, _warm round_ of applesauce for the moment we've all been waitin' for, the Tri-legged Tournament!"

A few people clapped tiredly, and Ezekiel lost all respect he'd had for them this morning. Holding the bowl in the crook of his left arm, he set his right hand on his hip- much the way Marcia liked to do just before she smacked his hat or fingers with her faithful washrag, which she just happened to be using to scrub the tiki bar in the water behind him. "Aw, c'mon guys, I know that you can all do better'n that, eh? Yo, I was up at five this mornin', finishin' up this-"

"Cut to the chase already, Homeschool, so we can get this over with already and go back to bed. Ow!"

Ezekiel nodded his thanks to Marcia and then raised the bowl over his head a second time. "Today's challenges are all about, uh, teamwork and stuff like that, so what we're gonna do here is take two people and, uh… We're gonna tie their legs together, so it's like…" He had a struggle of a time explaining what he meant with words, so he started trying hand signals instead. "Someone's left leg and someone else's right leg… like they're stuck together or somethin', so then each team has like, three legs between 'em, see, 'cuz-"

Noah called out to him again, and this time he managed to avoid Marcia's rag. But only just.

"Uh, right. Well, our first challenge is the race through the woods, eh. Katie and I got the interns to, uh, set up colored flags out there - crops for that, you guys. Everyone's gotta collect five flags a' their own color and then come back here to the pool, and the first ones to be back get a real great prize for it, or they might win somethin' to help 'em out in the next challenge, eh."

"Yeah, this sounds like a great game."

Justin raised his hand. "Excuse-moi - Will we be expected to actually touch moss and bugs and things while we're out there? Because those are really bad for the hair, you know."

"Oh, I'll totally help you out, Justin!" Katie proclaimed, reaching past Eva to take his arm. "Anything for you."

 _I'd rather go with Tyler,_ was written all over his pretty-boy face.

"Hey, I'm the one signin' out all the teams here, yo. Me and my trusty bowl a' names, and I say that we get this challenge started now, eh. Our first playa for the, uh, red team is gonna be… Noah."

Noah's gaze traveled from Justin to Eva to Katie to Tyler to Ezekiel, and he slowly sucked air in through his teeth as he waited to accept his fate.

"And joinin' him today is none other'n…" Ezekiel made a show of feeling around in the bowl before he chose one of the paper slips and called out Eva's name. Noah cautiously accepted her offer of a handshake, only to end up with partially crushed fingers after she finally let him go. He pinched his eyebrows together and made a comment that Ezekiel couldn't hear, but it made Eva snort.

"Sponsorin' the blue team we're gonna have Justin with…"

Ezekiel.

Three names in the bowl, and he'd selected his own. Honestly, what were the chances of that? He still hadn't forgotten the calculated smile, the pats on the head, or the horrific mangling of the French language, so Ezekiel didn't even bat an eye when he announced that Katie would be the blue team's final player.

Which meant that he was left with…

Tyler seemed to have perked up considerably now that he'd had a good night's rest and was no longer crowned in feathers. Even those nasty scratches were already starting to heal- a fact that Ezekiel first noticed while the interns tied his left leg to Tyler's right, and a fact that he noticed again after Tyler tripped on top of him immediately after Marcia had shouted, 'Go!'.

"Come on, homie! They're gettin' away from us!"

Eva and Noah had taken the lead, but Justin and Katie weren't doing so bad themselves. Tyler scrambled back up to his feet and took off, half-dragging Ezekiel behind him.

"Whoa- ufff- ack- homes- gagk- wait-"

"You know, you're lucky that you ended up on my team, Zeke. I've got wicked skills, man. Once, on this trip to the lake, this big angry moose charged out at me and my brother-"

A boulder. A bush. A log. A branch. By the time they reached their first green flag, Ezekiel had nearly as many scratches on his face as Tyler did, not to mention a gash in his pants, a bruise on his shoulder, and at least a dozen twigs and leaves sprinkled like in his hair like wedding cake toppers.

"-and ever since we killed it, she's refused to eat mashed potatoes at our family reunion. My _younger_ sister, on the other hand-"

"Look dawg," Ezekiel interjected, dusting off their tied ankles, "this ain't really workin' out too well, eh. E'eryone else is long gone by now. We've lost a lot of time with all that fallin' and trippin' over e'erythin', so here's what we're gonna do. On the count a' three, eh?"

It took some time to really get into the rhythm of walking at the same speed, and they still tripped over one another more than once, but things began to pick up after that. Tyler rescued their second flag from near the river, and a few minutes later they kicked up a great deal of dust while skidding down a steep ditch in search of their third, but didn't come close to slipping at all, and then they were on the move again.

"Watch your step there, dawg."

"Careful Zeke. That looks like a bit of a drop right there."

"Yeah, I see it, homes. _The Zeke_ is always alert when out in the- Whoa! Help! _Tyla!_ " The ground fell away beneath his boots; Ezekiel squeezed his eyes shut and wrapped his arms around Tyler's torso, awaiting the inevitable fall into the earth, but it never came. He opened his eyes very slowly, one after the other.

"… Whoa."

Empty space stretched out below him. Far, far below him. Light filtered in through the gap he had just put in the cave's roof. Scritches and scratches echoed from within the walls. Gophers, maybe, and the thought horrified him. They sounded big.

"Don't worry, Z-Man- you're safe with me."

"Y-yo! Ya've got some l-lightnin'-quick reflexes, dog. Ya holdin' onta the bushes and grass and stuff up there?"

"Yeah, I've got wicked strong fingers, man. Docs can't explain 'em, you know. Just a gift that kicked in early, I guess. When I was eight- Dude, stop squirming around so much, or you could make me slip."

Chunks of dirt began to fall into Ezekiel's eyes. He tightened his grip around Tyler and yelled, "S-stories later, eh! R-rescue first!"

It took several long, anxious minutes of kicking, heaving, and work, especially what with their legs tied together and all, but Tyler's strength pulled through for them in the end.

"Open your eyes, Z-Man. We've made it up to firm, solid ground now… Dude, I like _girls_. You can let go of my arm already. We're safe."

"Y-yeah, okay. Thanks for the save, homes. I owe ya one, eh."

"Well, 'tis not like I really had much of a choice, man, when our legs were-"

"Yo, d'ya _want_ me to take back the 'I owe ya one'? Huh?"

Their fall had cost them a lot of time; Ezekiel thought that they were done for. Until they reached the elm tree and stopped short.

"Put your back into it already, Fruitcake!"

"Yay, you can totally do this, Justin! Show that branch who's boss!"

"Would someone please explain to me why I'm even here again?"

"Ow! Ow, ow, ow! My hands! My _hands!"_

"Because you're a stuck-up, bigheaded, scrawny little fruitcake with an attitude issue, and if there is any sort of challenge that's to be won around here, I'm making sure that my team is the one winning it."

"Ooh, touchy. Don't strain your tongue, Iron Woman. Ow!"

"Justin, Justin, he's my man! If someone's gonna do this, bet you Justin can!"

"I have splinters in my perfect _eyebrows._ Would someone please tell me how it is even possible to get splinters in my perfect _eyebrows_?"

"Freakish… pretty boy… stupid… So help me, I will wring his neck! His strong… thick… tan… neck!"

"You know, we may be up in this tree, like, two hundred feet off the ground and everything, possibly going to fall to our deaths at any moment, but if I had to die in the arms of a really hot guy, I'm so totally glad that it's you, Justin."

"Katie, you are _not_ helping me here. Really, not helping!"

Eva was tackling the tree alone, shimmying up like she'd done it every day of her life, with Noah dangling at her side like an unwanted ragdoll. Justin and Katie were much higher, but moving more slowly. At the tree's crown, waving proudly in the breeze, perched the next three flags. Ezekiel looked at Tyler, who looked back at him with a grin.

"Dude, my fingers can handle this."

"You sure 'bout that, dawg? 'Cuz I just don't-"

"Woo-hoo! Come at me, man!"

"Whoa!"

"Perfect." Noah folded his arms- something he could actually do what with Eva hauling him upwards mainly on her own. "And there goes our lead."

"Oh, hi there Zeke! Hi Tyler! Isn't this, like, so much fun? Zeke, I'm _so_ glad we decided to go with-"

Ezekiel grabbed a handful of bark and tried to tune out Katie's mindless chatter. Tyler's strong fingers or not, he wasn't really sure he wanted to stake his life on them a second time. He could try taking some of the weight himself and hey, if he did end up dying, at least he would go to heaven knowing that he'd tried.

"We're gaining on 'em, man! Woo-hoo! And my mom told me all those rock-climbing lessons were a waste of money!"

"What, are you _kidding_ me? We've been here for five minutes already and _they're_ moving faster than panicked spiders in a vacuum cleaner?"

"Maybe if you had actually tried putting some effort into this contest, Fruitcake…"

"Oh, _excuse_ me for not wanting to run pell-mell through a forest maintained by a sadistic psycho who enjoys watching us all kill ourselves over money."

"My eyebrows! My hands! My knees! My _spine!_ I can't feel my spine!"

"Wow, this challenge is, like, really hard. It feels kinda like something Chris would have done to us back on the show. Oh my gosh! Like this one time, just after you guys all left-"

Tyler's fingers were holding up so far, and they were moving fast. Ezekiel did what he could, grabbing at lumps in the bark and crooks of branches, but Tyler was really the one doing most of the work.

"I can't go on… My pure body… can no longer… suffer this way…"

"Justin, no! You have to keep it up! Justin!"

They were at the point where Ezekiel could have reached out and touched Noah's shoe. Actually, this was what Noah ended up doing to him; as he and Tyler passed, Noah simply tore off Ezekiel's boot and dropped it to the ground.

"Yo, yo dog! Why're ya - No! St-stop that! Heh, heh… Stop it! That tickles!"

"Zeke!"

"H-he's got my a-ankle, homes. Heh. St-stop that already! Heh! 'Ts n-not funny! Heh, heh, heh!"

"That's it, Fruitcake. Keep it up."

"Dude, snap out of it! Get in the game! Pound his face in! Something!"

"Heh! Heh, heh! P-please, homes! St-stop that! Heh! I'm not t-ticklish! Heh, heh! Ya can g-give it up already, eh! 'Ts not gonna- heh- work on _The Zeke!_ "

"It's funny - Whenever I thought about how I would be spending my summer, it never crossed my mind that I would find myself thirty, forty feet off the ground, _tickling_ Homeschool here just so the girl that I'm tied to could grab herself a cute little flag."

Ezekiel tried to kick out at Noah. He really, really tried very hard. He slapped at Noah's fingers, but his blows were weak, and he couldn't quite muster up the energy he needed for another swat.

"Zeke! Stop thrashing around like that, man! I can't do this! I'm losing my- _Zeke!"_

It didn't seem like such a long fall, but it was a hard hit, even with Tyler cushioning the blow for him. The whole world seemed to shake. Leaves began to rain down on his face.

"Heh… heh, heh, heh- ouch! Hey! Ow! Ow!"

"Oh, you have _got_ to be _kidding_ me."

Ezekiel opened his eyes and sat up. "Wha-?"

Up in the tree, Justin and Katie were staring at him. Eva was glowering. Noah was impersonating a praying mantis again. When Ezekiel looked, he found three colored flags scattered around him on the ground.

"That is, like, so totally unfair!"

"Hey? Hey, Tyler. Wake up, dog."

Tyler cracked open one eye, then the other. "Lind… say?"

Ezekiel dragged them both to his feet, dusted himself off a bit, and then looked up at his treed competitors. "Yo, playas! _The Zeke_ is back in the game, eh. Check it out!"

As the four began to scramble downwards, Zeke stuffed the green flag under his arm, snatched up his fallen boot, gave Tyler another shake to wake him up again, and went stumbling off into the forest.

"Yeah, we're gonna win this competish, homes! Watch out, 'cuz _The Zeke_ and the T-Man are bringin' it home with 'em! Yo, yo, dawgs!"

"… Zeke… rope…"

"S'okay, dog. We'll get back to- _Whoa_!" Both of his feet were suddenly yanked out from under him. Ezekiel flew backwards and upwards, all four of the green flags spilling out from his arms. His head slammed against Tyler's, and the next thing he knew they were dangling off the ground by their tied ankles, the world spinning crazily before him like he'd just come off badly after a rodeo.

"Zeke? My head… Are we… under-over?"

Ezekiel twisted himself around so that the forest turned right-side-up again. There was a lot of shouting in the direction they had just come from- "Fruitcake!" and "Justin!" and "Hey!" and stuff like that, and then there were footsteps. Heavy, slamming, sliding footsteps that could only belong to one tough girl and her deadweight partner.

"When I get my hands on that- Argh!"

"Yo, yo, dog… _The Zeke_ is startin' a' get the feelin' that this is gonna be one long afternoon, eh? T-Man? Eh? Aw, what a buncha knobs."


	7. The Unforgiven and the Unforgotten

"Eva. . .I just wanted a' tell ya, uh, that… that…"

 _Think carefully before you finish that sentence, Homeschool,_ was scrawled across her drawn-together face. If her arms weren't already loaded down with sandwiches, mangos, watermelon, hot dogs, turkey, oranges, chips, mashed potatoes, papayas, cheese, steak, and marshmallows, she probably would have tried to strangle him by now.

"That I'm sorry… 'bout what I said back at camp. All that bad stuff 'bout how girls weren't good at sports or strong or-"

"Thanks for reminding me about that. I was just looking for another reason to brutally maim you today." She started to set down her food, one plate at a time, on her pool chair. It was slow going, so Ezekiel figured he had at least another thirty seconds left before she killed him.

"Uh…" He looked back down at his hand, squinting. "And… Oh, right. I'll try bein' nicer to girls from now on, and I'll try ne'er to judge a… book? Judge a book…by its cover e'er again? What does that e'en-? _Ow_! Hey! Leggo!"

Eva's grip was strong, as it usually was. She thrust Ezekiel against the nearest tree and twisted his arms prisoner-style behind his back. "I see you didn't wash your hands today, Homeschool. Very funny, having Fruitcake scrawl a speech across 'em like that. You very _nearly_ had me convinced of your sincerity."

"I'm…soorry…"

"What was that, Homeschool? I can't you hear you over the sound of my fist about to collide with your big, dumb head."

"No! No, wait! Stop! I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry 'bout e'erythin' I've e'er said to make ya mad at me, eh!"

"I'm not sorry that I strangled you. I think you deserved it. Might've taught you a lesson or two in humility, if your brain was actually big enough to remember stuff like that."

Noah was wearing his ' _Thanks for the entertainment, sucks to be you'_ smirk. Ezekiel felt his palms begin to sweat in Eva's grip.

"I'm soorry f-for all the insults that've e'er left my lips! I'm sorry th-that I said ya stuff your face like a p-pig whene'er ya eat! I'm s-soorry that I knocked y-your smoothie on the gr-ground and then I put the straw b-back in it without e'en washin' it off or anythin' first! I'm soorry that N-Noah and I put shavin' cream i-in-"

"You did _what_?"

He said something intelligent right about then. Something like "Gagk- breathe- stop!" She set him back on his feet and loosened her hands, though they were still looped around his neck.

"Anything else you want to tell me? Homeschool?"

"Y-yeah, uh, _The Zeke_ , uh… Eva… I just want'ya to f-foorgive me for all that stuff that I s-said to ya. I didn't mean anythin' by it. I don't want'ya bein' all mad at me anymore. 'Ts awfully bad for my health. D'ya think that maybe you and I could, uh, kinda sorta… start over and try bein' fr-fr-non-enemies?"

"I could wring your neck like a chicken."

Her eyes were so close that he could see his own white face reflected in them. He finally began to squirm in her grip and then, at last, she released him.

"Run along, Homeschool."

"So… that it then, eh? D'ya forgive me? Will ya stop grabbin' me by the neck and rubbin' your fist into my brains e'ery time I walk past ya?"

"We'll see."

Ezekiel left her to her buffet and joined Noah at the smoothie bar. He grumbled, "Thanks for all the support ya gave me back there, ya knob."

"Thanks for blaming the shaving cream incident on _me."_

"'Twasn't my fault, eh."

"Of course it wasn't, Homeschool. You don't have a filter in your brain, so nothing that pops out of your mouth could ever be your fault."

Ezekiel, rubbing his left sleeve, gaze on his bare feet, sat down on the neighboring stool. "Yeah, well, uh… thanks for tryin' a' help _The Zeke_ out anyway. 'Twas nice of ya, comin' up with the whole speech thing." His gaze turned back to Eva. "Though I gotta wonder, does she e'en actually treat her friends any different'n she treats her enemies?"

"I wouldn't know." Noah picked up a coconut, looked it over for a moment, and then brought it down hard on the counter. It cracked right open, sloshing a bit of its watery insides over Ezekiel's lap.

"Maybe stranglin' me and threatenin' a' drown me is just the way that she shows her feelin's," he mused, and pointedly ignored the sarcastic retching noises that Noah made behind his back. He straightened. "D'ya think I a'ready went and ruined my chances a' gettin' her to help me'n Katie set up the trivia challenge?"

"Trivia challenge? Oh, oh, me! Pick me!"

Both Noah and Ezekiel jumped when they heard the voice coming from not behind them, but from above them. Leaning back on his stool in order to see the tiki bar's thatched roof, Ezekiel found himself face to face with a pair of wild green eyes.

"What in the-?"

She jabbed him in the nose with her finger. Actually _in_ his nose too, much to his surprise. Grinning wolfishly she shouted, "I know you! You're Zeke! I remember, 'cuz there's a 'Z' in your name just like in mine! Ezzzekiel! 'Cept I have _two_ 'Z's and you only have one! Ha ha! Take that, you stupid guy!"

"… Izzy?" He'd always been better at recalling faces than names, but her puffy ginger hair and, uh, memorable personal charm seemed to have burned their way into his brain.

"That's me, you silly duck, duck, goose!" Izzy launched herself from the roof, flipped once, and then landed chest-deep in the water. This was then quickly followed by her raising her fists, throwing a mock punch in Noah's direction, and yelling, "Hi-ya!"

"Uh…"

"I'm glad that I finally decided to come out of hiding. I've been out in the woods for, like, days - the RCMP were after me, y'know, so I hid out with the beavers - but this place is so much cooler! I mean, hello! Just look at the size of that coconut!"

Ezekiel and Noah exchanged double blinks as she took a huge bite out of the water before she popped up, gasping, and they returned their attention to her.

"Uh, Izzy, so, the boat di'n't come here last night, eh? Are you s'posed to be out here?"

Giggling and snorting, she hugged herself. "Heh heh, probably not. Probably I should go back to the beavers. But they told me all about this cool place if I followed the stream and like cut through the bears' cave and rappelled down the gully and scaled the trees and flapped my arms and cawed like a crow, and then I met up with you guys! The RCMP were all over my butt. Did I say that already? Well, anyway, I gotta go undercover for a couple of weeks or maybe even the rest of my life, so if you don't squeal on me, that'd be fabulous. Oh, oh, I can bribe you. You guys wanna try my fishcakes?"

So saying, Izzy whipped out a tray of steaming… heaps, some of which looked like balls of rice and some of which looked like mashed-up fish sticks with the heads and eyeballs still attached. Noah gagged into his fist at the sight (or smell), but all Ezekiel could do was blink.

"Where… did ya pull that out from?"

Picking up one of the, er, cakes, she popped it into her mouth and bit down. It crunched like bones between her teeth. "Let's just say I took the road to Showtown, ha ha, okay?"

"Took the road to-? No. No, no, no." Noah rubbed his temples. "Izzy, we _all_ know the barrier's thin in that corner and we're not supposed to go there without special-"

Thunder crackled in the distance in a convenient sort of way. Ezekiel cocked his head. Noah shook his and turned his pleading gaze to the gray sky.

" _Oha larake_. Tell me you're not high on you-know-what right now."

Izzy batted her red eyelashes. "What do you mean? Silly Noah! How can I know what the you-know-what is if you don't tell me what the you-know-what is, y'know?"

"Rectanathre? You know." He scratched behind his neck. In a softer, reluctant voice, he mumbled, "CP drugs?"

Even _Ezekiel_ wasn't too homeschooled to know what those were, and it made his mouth gape. " _Ooh_ no, Izzy! Is'sat why the RCMP are gettin' so freaked at you? You're gonna be in _huge_ trouble if they catch ya with that stuff in your system, eh. Where d'ya e'en _get_ cartoon physics pills these days? They're s'posed to be under lockdown since, uh… What was it? 1928 or somethin'? 1908, maybe? S'like, the stuff that's s'posed to keep y'alive e'en if ya get shot in the head by a gun or like fall into a volcano, eh?"

"They _literally_ melt your insides into sauce and freeze your skin layers together. You wouldn't even bleed if we cut off your hand." Noah had lost his disinterested façade. Now, he looked furious. In fact, he even looked a little panicked. He grabbed Izzy by her shoulders and shook her, ignoring her babbled commentary about what a ladies' man he was. "Your body is running at triple speed. You'll use up your fat stores and shrivel up. Your brain will get addicted. Your heart will eventually explode. Why are you still making that Cheshire cat face? Izzy, this is _not_ a good thing. You think this is a cute joke?"

"You're _not s'posed to have 'em_."

Through an eruption of giggles, she choked out, "Yeah, well, it's a little late for warning to be careful, y'know? They really shouldn't make those things look like marshmallows. I popped a couple of 'em and here I am now. Found a _whole_ case in Chef's kitchen last night. Bet we could sue Chris for it if we wanted to. Or, we could take advantage of it and have a little fun. Hey Noah, isn't it funny that I lasted, like, so much longer on the island than you said you thought I was going to? And that goes ditto for you, Zeke- I heard what you said about how girls were really weak and stuff back in the main lodge that one time. Yeah, that was really not your smartest move. Wow, that must have really sucked for you, being the first one kicked off and stuff, especially before you got to participate in all the fun challenges like I did. Hey, did you ever cry about that? If I were you and you were me, I think I would have, like, balled my eyes out for three minutes straight or so before trying to sneak back into the competish."

"Okay, this conversation just got ninety percent more unbearable. If you'll excuse me, I have a few coconuts to eat. And then I have to wash my hands clean of your blood."

"You're excused, Noah," Izzy called after his retreating back, "but only for now- not like that one time when I, like, totally snuck up on you and was all like 'Rawr' and you were all like 'Yaaahh, don't kill me!' and I was all 'Kheh, heh, heh' and then you were 'Whatever' and ended up dumping that fish bucket on my head, so then I hid your book in Chef's kitchen and… Yeah, wow. You sure don't know when to just, like, let it go, do you?" She frog-leaped onto Noah's abandoned barstool and threw her arm around Ezekiel's shoulders. "So what've you been doing lately, Zekester?"

He fidgeted on his stool, trying to stimulate his brain again with the motion, and finally he said, "Oh, y'know. I've had a lot a' smoothies, eh."

"Really? Oh, speaking of smoothies- Didn't you say something about a trivia game a little while ago? Fun! I would so totally love to participate in that! Izzy is the best at finding dirt. Like, check out what I've got in my hair." She flipped her hair forward over her face and ruffled it up with claw-like fingers. Mud and dandruff flakes fluttered into the last of his smoothie.

"Izzy, you're gettin' all your gross-"

"Hold that thought, Zeke. Something really interesting and hot is going on over there with Justin. Izzy, away! Hi-ya!"

"… Huh?"

…

They were introduced to Cody later that night. _Much_ later that night, in fact. Izzy had encouraged them to all camp out at the dock so as to 'make their new buddy-pal feel welcome'. Funnily enough, she was the first to fall asleep, spread-eagle-like and snoring ("She even smiles in her sleep? Okay, that's just really creepy,"), and Noah didn't last much longer than she did. Justin's back was against a post, and Katie's head was in his lap. Tyler lay stomach-down on the dock with his arms trailing in the water. He kept splashing his own face, and eventually he even fell in, forcing Eva to fish him out. Actually, Eva was the only one of them who seemed to be going strong- Ezekiel lost track of the number of times he himself would nod off, only to end up jolting awake a dozen minutes later.

"Well, this sucks," Eva told him yet again. "How do we even know that the boat's coming tonight? Just because the crazy-bird said so? Shouldn't it have been here by now?"

He would always shrug, and she would stand.

"See ya, Homeschool. I have the option of sleeping in the lap of luxury, and I'm not gonna blow it just to 'play nice and make new dumb friends'."

That would make him spring up and protest with, "Yo, if you're goin' back, then _The Zeke's_ goin' back with ya."

"Well, someone's gotta stay here with the sissies in case they wake up and freak, and it isn't gonna be me."

"Yeah, me neither, eh. What a buncha knobs."

"Hey knob-head, leaving this junk heap was _my_ idea."

No matter how many times they argued, both of them would eventually agree to stay at the dock for just a little bit longer, just another hour at the most, and every time Ezekiel woke she was still there, sitting between Izzy and Noah, her typical scowl across her face.

Their persistence paid off, but only once both of them were close to nodding off for good. The _chug, chug, chugging_ was what woke Ezekiel; he blinked blearily for a minute and then heaved himself into a sitting position just as the Boat of Losers pulled into the dock.

"Huh? What the-?"

He was bandaged something awful, literally head to toe with the exception of his eyes, nose, one of his ears, and a few tufts of dusty-brown hair. Ezekiel was so busy trying to recognize the face behind the bandages that he didn't even realize where he had put his hand until the wheelchair ran over it.

"Youch! Hey, watch where you're rollin', homes!"

"Mmnuftumph amth neshta."

"Yo, yo, dawg, what happened a' ya back there?"

"… Cody?" Eva asked, hesitating over the name like she had to force it past a chicken bone in her throat. "You look like you got trampled by a dumb moose. A whole big, dumb herd of moose."

The blue eyes - the first blue eyes they'd gotten at Playa Des Losers - rolled upwards, down and around, and then one of his hands gave a slight twitch. "Thrum tchumim mumph-mum."

"Ya don't really talk too much, do ya, homes?"

"Oh, stop teasing him, Homeschool, and help me wake these sissy-girls up. We'll give him a night to sleep it off. About time we went back. I'm beat."

The word 'beat' prompted him to flinch out of instinct. "You're _what?"_

"Aw, forget it," Eva muttered back, and started shaking Noah awake.

So she hauled the rest of the group off to bed, and Ezekiel took charge of Cody's wheelchair. He took him on a tour around the Playa, from the beach to the tennis court, and then led him through the small lobby and the lower floor of the hotel.

"And this bedroom here? Uh… Well, I guess it's where you're gonna be stayin' for awhile, homes. I mean, 'tis on the bottom floor and 'tis close to the infirma-whatsit place, eh? Here, see this hook right by the light switch? This is where your key hangs up when you don't wanna hold it, an' you can use it for lockin' your door and that kinda thing."

"Shmurf-mifkish."

"You're welcome, eh, Coody? _The Zeke_ was happy ta lend you a hen, or however that sayin' goes." With one final wave, he turned towards the door.

"Mff-gff-mff-shmilli!"

"Hey, don't worry 'bout anythin', homes. This place is totally stella'. You'll prob'ly be up and out a' that silly chair 'fore ya know it, eh."

"Mnuftumph!"

"Ooh, that's right! I nearly forgot a' mention it!" Ezekiel leaned against the doorframe, counting off on his fingers as he spoke. "We're gonna be havin' a wicked trivia contest out by the pool tomorrow, and you're welcome ta come and participate if ya'd like to."

Cody's back was to the door, and he seemed to have given up on speaking. He twitched one of his hands and remained silent.

"All right, all right, Coody. I'm goin' already. Ya don't gotta grovel and snivel like a running type, eh."


	8. The More You Know

"… so after _that_ whole… incident… we got this intern guy here - thanks, Kev! - to go out there and, like, talk to him and stuff, and then Chris said that he really liked the whole idea and that the winner would get some sorta super-special reward within the next two weeks… or 'whenever the heck he felt like it', I think he said, Kevin? Yeah. Well, all right then! Enough of me babbling on- let's all give it up for Ezekiel! Woo-hoo! Go Zeke!"

"Give me what? Oh - I'm speakin' now? Uh… well, thanks for all that introducin' stuff, eh. So, uh… like Katie a'ready said, we're gonna be startin' the trivia challenge now. Yeah, well, Katie and I weren't plannin' to e'en give out any prizes to the winner, but after _Noah_ here said he was gonna refuse to participate 'fore e'en hearin' how great it was gonna be, we decided that the winner can have this here whole box a' donuts for 'emselves, dawgs."

A murmur swept over the crowd, though Tyler pointed out that they could simply go without the game and share the donuts between each other anyway.

"Yeah, but remember what Chris said, homie. He's gonna give the winner some sort a' special prize, eh."

"Pfft. 'Special'."

Justin sighed. "I can't believe this, but I do have to agree with Noah here. When has Chris's idea of a wonderful prize ever aligned with ours? Although… I wouldn't turn down mouthwash if he offered it. My supply is starting to run low, and my perfect teeth just aren't really cut out for tearing into hamburgers and such this way."

"Well, maybe the prize just won't turn out a' be all that wonderful, but maybe it will be, eh. And if you are all gonna pass out the opportunity to win somethin' great, then _The Zeke_ isn't gonna be the one to stop ya." Ezekiel made shooing motions with his hands.

He saw Noah hesitate.

"The donuts are all glazed and e'erythin', and they've got rainbow sprinkles on 'em," he coaxed.

Noah narrowed his eyes and slowly stood. "Fine. I'll play your game."

"Word. So this is how it's gonna work. Thanks to a bit a' help from Eva and Izzy, Katie and I were able a' set up this big platform board… thing across the water. Like so, eh." He waved in its direction just in case any of his co-competitors had somehow failed to notice it. They hadn't, of course; like he'd said, it spanned the entire length of the pool like the plank of a pirate ship. "Right. So, each playa will be standin' on a trapdoor square, and ya each get a nice buzzer. Our intern friend, uh, Kevin, right? Kevin will ask ya questions, and the first one that, uh, buzzes in, they get to answer it, eh. Followin' me so far?"

"Uh, hold up a sec there, Z-Man. These aren't buzzers. They're _staplers."_

"Well, I just don't know what I'm s'posed to say to that, dawg, 'cuz sometimes we've just gotta make good with what we've got, eh. 'Least Izzy was able a' wire 'em nice somehow, so they light up in really cool colors and e'erythin'." Let's not get into the reasons of how she managed those skills, he couldn't help but think.

Tyler started, "Dude, where'd you even find eight staplers?" but Ezekiel took great pleasure in cutting him off.

"Anyway, as I was tryin' a' say, ya each have to be standin' on your trapdoor square when ya buzz in, eh. If ya answer Kevin's question right then, uh, ya get a point, I guess. Whiche'er one of ya's got the most points in the end, they're the winner. And if ya answer his question wrong, then the trapdoor'll open and ya fall into the water. Which we happen a' have filled up with hungry sharks."

With the exception of Noah, everyone glanced nervously into the pool.

"Very funny, Homeschool."

Ezekiel threw his hands into the air. "Look, I'm tryin' my hardest here, homes. Chris said that we couldn't _really_ use any a' his sharks, so we're all just gonna have to pretend, eh."

"Whatever. Can we just get this started already?"

And with that, the trivia challenge began. Ezekiel chose the spot between mummified Cody and unenthusiastic Noah, took the green stapler in hand, and locked his gaze on Kevin's face. The intern stood there, scratching at his purple sweater, five feet tall and all of him dribbling with sweat.

"Okay. Question number one… Number one… Can I get a drink of water over here? This is really stressing me out."

"Kevin!"

"All right, all right, it can wait. Question number one: Who was the only Gopher to wear the dreaded chicken hat after the first challenge?"

Clicking sounds erupted on both sides of Ezekiel, but only the first stapler to be smashed - Eva's - lit up blue.

"It was… that geeky girl - the one with the dumb glasses and the dumb braces."

"All right, I think I can technically take that as an answer. One additional point for whoever can correctly tell me her real, actual name."

An orange flash from his left. "Ooh, ooh! Pick me, pick me! Izzy knows the answer! Ha ha ha!" She started to do a victory dance around on her trapdoor, then finally shouted out Beth's name.

"Nicely done, Izzy my friend." Kevin made a signal to Josh, who jotted a note down on a scrap of paper. "Question number two: Who was the first contestant to nod off during the Awake-a-Thon challenge?"

There was slight hesitation with this one, and Justin scored the point by mumbling, 'Owen'.

"Yo, hold on a moment here, dog. I think _The Zeke_ is at an unfair disadvantage here, eh. How many a' these questions are gonna involve stuff that happened after I left the show?"

"Number three: Who was the first camper to be elimin-?"

Okay, even he knew this one. Ezekiel smashed his stapler at the same time that Eva did, and almost strangled _her_ for a change when he saw that hers was the only one to light up.

"Aw, c'mon, dawg! You've gotta give me a fair chance here!"

"Four: During the Awake-a-Thon challenge, which camper ended up kissing-?"

 _Ping!_ "Me. Next question."

"And it looks like our little buddy Noah is now on the board. Something the matter there, Cody? You seem to be pretty quiet today."

"Mfshumthi," he snapped back through his bandages, which only made Kevin start to laugh.

"Moving on then. Question number five: Who is the only Gopher to have never received a marshmallow at the-?"

"Aw, that's an easy one, dog! 'Twas _The Zeke_! Word!"

Eight seconds later, when Ezekiel finally managed to haul himself out of the water and back onto the platform, he simply glared at each of his fellow contestants- Noah in particular. Of _course_ he hadn't paid much attention to whether he'd been assigned to the Bass or Gopher team; he'd been the first one thrown out, after all, and that had been a good two weeks ago already.

"Knobs," he muttered after Katie scored the point, resolving to think longer before he tried to answer the next question.

"Six: Who is the only camper confirmed to be allergic to goat saliva?"

Silence. Ezekiel stripped off his shoes, then his socks, and took advantage of the situation to start wringing out his soggy toque.

"Anyone?"

With an audible groan of effort, Cody pushed down on his stapler. It started to glow white in his lap.

"Yes, Cody?"

"Shklamara mrathath." After a brief moment of aimless groping, he finally managed to pat his own bandaged chest.

"And that's one point for the Codemeister!"

"You're allergic to _goat saliva_?" Noah wanted to know. The end of his mouth was starting to twitch up in a slight smile. "Even _I_ am not allergic to goat saliva."

"Murumph."

"Moving on. Number seven… Oh, this is too much. Is this a fact? Did this actually happen? Do we have it on camera, and if so, where can I find it? Okay, okay. Seven: When given the choice between wearing a dress or eating a crayfish, who-?"

"That was Fruitcake here. I mean… Noah."

"And Eva takes the lead with three points."

Katie, Justin, Tyler, and even Cody all shifted their eyes curiously to Noah, who stood with his arms folded and his ears turning a bit purple. Finally he snapped, "Whose job was it to even write all of those cue cards anyway? Homeschool?"

"T'wasn't me, homes! Honest!"

Kevin wiped at his eyes, smirked at Noah, and then looked down at his cards again. "Next question: "Who was the first camper to jump off the cliff during the first challenge?"

Think, he had to think. All right, he had been a member of the first team to jump, and he now knew that that'd been the Killer Bass team. The only possible answers could be among those people who had been present at his table during dinner, at his cabin, while pushing crates, or been there for his elimination ceremony.

It really was a shame that he was so horrible at remembering names.

Katie took a stab at it and was wrong, followed by Izzy, who voted for herself. At last Ezekiel slapped his own stapler, blurted out the first name to come to his head - Eva - and was plunged into the pool for a second time. It was Justin who finally earned the point. Who knew that Bridgette had had the courage to leap before anyone else?

"Question number nine: Upon arriving at the island, whose first words were: 'I think I see'-?"

Finally, finally, he was rewarded with a green light, buzzing in before Kevin had the chance to finish. Finally, finally, he had himself a point. Ezekiel thought he might start crying. But he didn't, because he was manly.

"Ten: What is the name of Noah's golden retriever?"

Noah had a felt day with that one. He stood there with the red stapler in his hand, moving as though to press it before pulling away at the last second while his fellow contestants threw out random guesses. "Spot!" "Fido!" "Tucker!" "Rocket!" "Biscuit!" "Dash!" "Rover!" "Izzy!" "Justin!" "Fruitcake!" Once each of them - Cody excluded - had been dunked a sufficient number of times, Noah finally gave in.

"Hildegard."

Ezekiel supposed there was no accounting for the tastes of some people.

"Question eleven: Since arriving here at Playa Des Losers, who has been running a _complete_ monopoly on the grape smoothies?"

"That would be Homeschool."

"Aw, c'mon! Again? Leave some for me, yo."

"And Eva racks up yet another point." Kevin shook his head sadly and turned to the next question. "I swear man, I must've refilled that canister eight times your first week alone."

" _The Zeke_ just really likes grape, eh."

"Right, right. Number twelve: Who once… kissed a wild weasel… on a dare… and spent a weekend in the hospital as a result? Seriously? Okay, this is just… Whatever, man. Good luck getting a date after this is all over."

Everyone was far too horror-struck to move. Ezekiel felt his palms begin to sweat. Should he confess now and claim his point, or should he stay silent? Surely none of those knobs would be able to pinpoint _him_ as the guilty party…

"Anybody?"

… but Kevin had the answer, didn't he? Would he read it out when no one replied?

"If no one answers, I'm going to have to dunk all of you."

That caused a round of buzzer slaps, light flashes, and the names of random campers. Duncan, Izzy, DJ, Tyler, Noah, Eva… no one was safe. Ezekiel heard his own name somewhere in the mess, but in the end Kevin simply threw the question out due to "extremely excessive side-chatter".

Thank goodness.

"Thirteen: Who does Izzy claim gave her the nickname 'Fishcakes'?"

They went on like this over the following hour, with Noah and Eva chin-and-chin while the rest of them scored an occasional point here or there. Eva was often faster than Noah was, but half of what she guessed she guessed wrong. Noah was more accurate - and he'd only been dunked once.

"Who was the first player to get hit in the dodge-?"

"Red. Harold!"

"Wrong."

Eva scrambled back onto her spot spluttering, "That… blondie girl! Technically."

"Game hadn't started. Wrong."

"Katie's friend?"

"Wasn't out on the court. Wrong."

"Tyler, then," and he earned the point.

"Shut up, Fruitcake."

"Who has a necklace with a blender on it?"

"Msdfs!"

"Gwen."

"Who was the last Bass to stay awake in-?"

"Mohawk. Er… Duncan."

"Who was eliminated after the paintball challenge?"

"Erm…"

"Huh…"

"Mmphsnrph."

 _Ping!_ "I vote for Bandages over there."

"Correct again, Eva. Now, who caught chickenpox simultaneously with her best friend?"

"Oh! I did! Sadie and I did, together! It was _so_ fabulous to have someone to scratch and scratch and-"

"Thank you, Katie. That's enough of that." Kevin slurped water from a coconut, wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and then straightened up again. "All right, we're down to the final few questions now, so this is how it's going to work. Since Eva and Noah left all the rest of you chumps in the dust with their respective thirty-one and thirty-two point scores, you're out."

"Aww…"

"My donuts…"

"Yo, yo, dawg!"

Kevin raised his arms in surrender, but only briefly. "Hey, them's the brakes, dudes. You wanted a trivia game, you got yourselves a trivia game. Now, Eva and Noah, I am going to ask each one of you a separate question with multiple answers. For each correct answer you give me, you earn an additional point. One slip up, and you're swimming with the sharks. To the victor go the spoils, after that."

Ezekiel started to wish that he wasn't one of the people who stood between Eva and Noah. They both looked awfully bloodthirsty right about now.

"Noah, since you're ahead by one, we'll start with you. Here's your challenge: Name every camper who is known to have a peanut allergy."

"What- Are you _kidding_ me? How am I supposed-?"

"I'd watch what I said if I were you. Fruitcake. You're on the clock."

"… Fine." Noah started to thread his fingers through his hair. "There's me. There's… Homeschool here?"

"That's two points. Keep going."

"And also… Cody?"

"Wrong!" Kevin announced as Noah's trapdoor dropped out from under him. "Have a nice swim, Noah."

"Take that, Fruitcake! You're going down!"

"All right then. Eva, in order to win this here… trivia… competition whatsit, you must tell us each contestant in alphabetical order."

"You want _me_ -"

"Oh, excuse me. In _reverse_ alphabetical order."

"But… but… Hey lunkhead, the twerps can count 'emselves lucky if I even remember their dumb names in the first place, let alone put them in some special freaking order!"

"And… start. You have sixty seconds."

When Ezekiel concentrated very hard, he could hear Eva mumbling rapid names under her breath. She counted on her fingers, shut her eyes, tapped her leg, shook her head- anything and everything in order to beat the names back into her mind.

"Your time… is almost… getting close… to being… halfway…"

"Hold up! There's _him_ , first of all. The feather freak. Yeah, Tyler. And after him comes, er… That boy who stayed up really late during that one dumb challenge. It was a 'T-R' name. Sort of like 'train'. Tr… Trent! Yeah, him, and the… 'O' kid. The heavy one that fell asleep - Owen something or other – and, erm, there was also… also…"

There she was, the roughest, toughest, meanest girl Ezekiel knew, standing helpless and almost frightened on the end of the platform, Noah bobbing gently in the water behind her, floating on his back and smirking like he didn't have the slightest care in the world. And perhaps, right then, he really didn't.

…

"Ya did up real great in that contest. Those were wicked skills, eh."

Eva grunted back at him and wrung water from her ponytail. "What do you want, Homeschool?"

"Well, I was just… I mean, since it was kinda my idea to host the contest in the first place… and since we're sorta non-enemies now that I've 'pologized to ya and all that, _The Zeke_ was just wonderin' if ya could…"

"Yes?" she asked, lifting one eyebrow. "Go ahead. Say it."

"If you'd maybe… kinda, sorta… let me…"

"Aw, whatever. Just 'cuz I'm feeling generous today. Here ya go, Homeschool. Catch." She tossed him a donut, and he caught it on his finger. "But don't come bothering me for 'em again, you hear?"

"Yes, ma'am! Thank you, ma'am! Word!"

"Yeah, yeah." Eva hefted the box a little from her lap. "Think I'll pass the rest off to Fruitcake. These things are more greasy than I'd really like 'em to be, and if anyone around here needs a little fattening up, that scrawny toothpick'd be the one. Might also owe him a bit of an apology for the crayfish thing anyway, seeing as he doesn't eat meat…"

"Yo, yo, dog, _The Zeke_ 'll be happy to deliver 'em for ya, homie."

"You only wish, Homeschool."

Ezekiel shrugged absently and flopped down on the neighboring chair. "So, euh, you and he seem to get along pretty all right, eh. I was just wonderin', d'ya think that ya consider him a friend, or is he just a non-enemy sorta guy?"

"Fruitcake? Huh. Haven't really thought about it much. He's better company than a couple jerks I could mention. I respect him for his brains, that's for sure, but he has a big head in more ways than one. Being stuck with him during that dumb three-legged relay was not fun. He's just lazy, selfish, and unmotivated. And he lacks almost any competitive drive whatsoever. He's such a dumb, big-headed fruitcake." Eva looked at the donut box in her lap and then stood. "Think I'll go and give these to him now."


	9. Sweet, Sweet Air

"All right, eh! That's six more points for _The Zeke!_ Word!"

"Aw man…"

"Woo-hoo! Izzy is rockin' this house! I am literally on fire!"

"Yes, you are."

"Mshfrump! Frshmish!"

"Keep it up, Justin. You'll beat 'em next time for sure."

"My thumbs… th-they have calluses! Real, actual calluses! I thought those were a myth. How do you treat calluses? Whipped cream and water is supposed to bring the swelling down to non-lethal levels again, right?"

"… This game's dumb."

"What are you all doing in here?"

They froze, hunching into their shoulders, fingers hovering over the buttons on their game controllers, eyes turning guilty and wide. Noah leaned against the doorframe with his typical eyebrow cocked up, watching them squirm. Half a donut was in his hand, and the other half was in his mouth.

"Hey C-Man, I thought we put you in charge of guarding the door out there!"

There were more mumblings from outside the room, which made Noah's mouth twitch into a slight smile. "Guarding the door? What, from me?"

"Yeah… see, homes…"

"For the record, this was all Zed's idea."

"Hey!"

Noah finished off his donut and then started licking leftover glaze from each one of his fingers. Waiting. Ezekiel set aside his controller.

"Well, I just thought that we pulled up the whole sneak-away thing pretty well. How did'ya find us in here, eh?"

"Probably didn't have anything to do with the fact that I've been the only one out by the pool for the past two hours."

"Eh?"

"Got a lot of reading done, for once. What's all this about, excluding me from the gaming party?"

"'Twas nothin' personal, homes. Didn't mean anythin' by it. Just, y'know… Hearin' ya go on and on 'bout how you're the best at any kinda video games all the time… We knew we wouldn't stand a chance 'gainst ya, homie. 'specially if 'tis the only thing y'ever try at, y'know? We're kinda. 'fraid a' seein' ya get competitive. Sometimes ya yell things ya prob'ly don't mean when you'n Izzy are having toothbrush races."

"Hm. So, the video game room was all kept a big secret from me for the last two and a half weeks, then. Up until now."

Ezekiel muttered, "Sorry 'bout that, eh."

"While I'm flattered that you consider me such a threat, I have to criticize your techniques. Those 'top times' you just scored on that last track? Weak. Tyler, your posture is appalling. Katie clearly wasn't trying. Izzy, you aren't even… that's… not… You realize you almost just set your hair on fire, right?"

"Hey, I actually _can_ fit the whole thing in my mouth! Who knew, right? Look at me- I'm a mutant chipmunk! Argh-snargle-rah!"

"… Yeah, okay then. Homeschool, hand over your controller."

"What? But-"

Noah snatched the remote up from its place beside the pretzel bowl, threw himself down onto the couch, and started clicking buttons. "Your car sucked, Homeschool. There's a reason no one ever uses the banana outside the grocery store. When you're running the storm course, the octopus cart has the best stats because it's heavily weighted, has great handling, and fairly decent speed, all of which put you at an advantage when you hit the puddles. Following me?"

"But I was in the middle of… Aw, whate'er. Go ahead and play, ya knob."

"You're too kind. Now, there's a shortcut here right at the midway point. The trick is to head straight between those big palm trees. Right… there. Yes, just like that. Then when you come around the corner to feed back into the main course, you can get great lift off the secret ramp."

"Y'ever wonder why we di'n't invite ya to come and play with us, homes?"

Noah allowed Ezekiel the chance to try the octopus for himself once he'd finished the race- taking first place, of course, like a privileged loser. Ezekiel swore that he himself only came in sixth because Noah's constant criticism was distracting. Despite the snacks they had piled up, they all took a break around lunch time once the smell of barbecue started wafting through the air conditioners.

"Mrumphshiflu!"

"Yeah, yeah, we'll help ya get your chair up the stairs, homes. Hey T-Man, mind helpin' me out here?"

"Yeah, sure. Heh, don't sweat it, Codes. Zeke and I here'll get you moving so fast, you'll think you were in that racing game."

"Like he was in the…"

Tyler dropped his end of Cody's chair on his foot, making both himself and Cody give a grunt of pain before he said, "Oh, no, dude. I've seen that look on your face before. Nuh-uh. No way."

"But don'tya see, T-Man? Noah thinks he's so great and so smart and so good at that racin' game-"

"No, Zeke-"

"-but if we had a couple a' real-life, full-size-"

"Dude! Let it go already, okay? Noah's unbeatable. Just back off and don't cause problems. That's what I always do."

Ezekiel fell silent for a few minutes while he helped Tyler lug Cody up the stairs and then out the back door to the poolside. Finally he said, "Chris'd prob'ly lend us some wheels if we asked him, eh? I'll talk to Kevin 'bout it later."

"Shmurphk nifshm. Mursh!"

"Here, Z-Man." Tyler shoved the wheelchair up against Ezekiel's foot. " _You_ can feed Cody."

"Why've I gotta do it? Aw, c'mon dog! 'Ts not fair! After I hauled him up all those stairs? Yo, _The Zeke_ 's served his time today already. Eh? Aw…"

"Mfrumph."

"You owe me one, ya hear? You're just lucky that _The Zeke_ is feelin' nice today." Ezekiel loaded up an extra paper plate at the buffet table and returned to Cody with plenty of food and plasticware. Once the sandwich had been chopped into cubes, he started to reluctantly undo the bandages over Cody's mouth.

"F-finally! Oh, sweet, sweet air! Deep breaths, Cody. Stay calm - Deep, even, breaths. Oh, Ezekiel man, you have no idea how _stuffy_ that was!"

Ezekiel was too dumbfounded to respond, and so he let Cody ramble on for a moment more before he interrupted with, "Yo, you could talk this whole time?"

"Yeah, no thanks to snake-face _Heather_ going and covering up my mouth. I guess she heard me ranting on and on about her in the confessional… Didn't want me to give the team any ideas about voting her off instead of me, heh. I say they should've kicked her out while she didn't have any sort of immunity, and then if we lost the next challenge because of my condition, they'd have an excuse to boot me, and then we both would've been gone- they could've been rid of her." Cody blinked twice, then moaned. "Man, am I starving. Haven't eaten for… must be at least twenty-four hours by now."

"Oh, euh, yeah. Guess we didn't exactly feed ya yesterday, did we, homes? Heh heh… Soorry, eh?"

"Yeah, yeah, apology accepted and you're forgiven- Just pass me some of that stuff now, will ya?"

The sandwich disappeared into Cody's mouth piece by piece, followed by additional slices of meat and cheese, followed by bits of apple, banana, and grapes, followed by a cup of yogurt, followed by marshmallows and a cherry smoothie. Ezekiel turned it into a game, throwing things at the guy and seeing what he could catch with such limited movement.

"Thanks for that, man. I owe ya one."

"I'll… keep that in mind, eh? So… how long are ya gonna be stuck in that chair, homes?"

"Hard to say. Shouldn't be long, though. I'm a quick healer. Kinda got a gift for it, if you know what I mean."

"Yeah. Yo, once you're outta the chair for good, d'ya think that I could have it?"

"Why would you- Oh. Right. The race thing. Y'know, I heard about what happened during the three-legged relay from Katie-"

"'Cluding the part 'bout Tyler and I hangin' from a tree by our ankles?"

Cody nodded. "Could've been worse though, right? At least you weren't stuck with Eva biting your head like Noah. The point is-"

Ezekiel crossed his arms with a snort. "Yeah, they don't plan t'ever let us live that down, eh. Eva and Noah taunted us and then left without e'en helpin' us out. The knobs! Some friends. Yo, if Katie and Justin hadn't come by-"

" _The point is_ , these games that you and she keep coming up with?"

"Yeah?"

"They're just… Erm, that is to say… I- I mean, isn't Playa Des Losers plenty fun enough without endangering our lives again as it is?"

"But-"

"I don't mean to be rude. I know that you were voted out early and all, but Chris has been picking on us for weeks. We deserve a break… Look, Zeke. The trivia contest was great. I really enjoyed it, Noah loved the video games, and I'm sure even Eva had fun during the whole three-legged relay thing, but maybe you and Katie should, you know… cut back a little on the action for awhile, all right?"

Ezekiel stared glumly at his half-eaten sandwich. "Yo, I get it already, homes. I ain't a lot a' fun and you guys don't really like playin' with me. Ya don't gotta sugar-coat it or nothin'."

"No, Zeke, it's not like that. It's just… only partly like that. See, I'm really looking forward to swimming in that pool, and I'd hate to end up in the infirmary again without even getting the chance to really enjoy being un-casted, y'know?"

"No more challenges for awhile. I hear ya, dog. Guess I wouldn't really mind playin' some board games for a change, eh."

He thought Cody was going to insult him again, or pretend to sympathize with him or something, but instead he said simply, "Pass the marshmallows, please."

"Yeah, sure, all right. Anythin' ya ask, homie. Y'know, I've been wonderin' - How'd ya e'en end up in those bandages in the first place?"

"Oh, that was just… there was this… silly deer-hunting challenge…"

"Deer-huntin'? _The Zeke_ woulda kicked that challenge outta the water! Like this!" He pulled up his feet and then shoved them out at the nearest pool chair, which skidded a few feet along the tiles and then toppled into the pool, and onto Noah's head.

"Ow. Watch it, Homeschool."

"It was paintball," Cody said.

"Eh?"

"The deer-hunting game thing. Half of us campers were deer, half were hunters. Paintball, see?"

"So ya didn't actually kill anythin'?"

Cody shook his head.

"Hmm. So… 'bout the chair…"

"Oh. Right. I, um, had a bag of chips with me, and this bear started following me around the forest, eating the crumbs and stuff that I'd left behind… Yeah. That really didn't… end so well. For me."

"You ain't kiddin' a scrap, homie. Now, if _The Zeke_ 'd been there, he would've blown out e'erythin' so fast, and all a' you guys would a' liked him, eh?" He mimed cocking a long rifle and firing it at a napkin on the yellow tiles. The napkin rolled away, unimpressed. Ezekiel let the imaginary gun plop back into his lap. "Yo, where d'ya think Chris would've stored those paintball guns?"

Cody's eyes went narrow. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason. Nope. Nuh-uh."

"Zeke…"

Ezekiel squirmed his hands between his knees. After almost a minute of eye contact, he couldn't take the silence any longer. He blurted, "Yo, yo, dog. If you'd been kickin' it here as long as _The Zeke_ , you'd be wantin' to be out there up in all the action too, eh."

"Why would anyone staying at a five-star resort want to go back to Camp Wawanakwa?"

"Yeah? Well, why would, uh… Er, hold on a moment, homie. I need to think a' somethin' smart to tell ya back…"

With a roll of his eyes, considerable effort, and some whimpering, Cody went back to holding his tongue out for marshmallows.

The next morning, the ex-campers found that half of Playa Des Losers had been mysteriously decorated in splattery blue paint. Ezekiel spent the day scrubbing it back to normal while his fellows threw taunts at him from the comfort of the pool. After four and a half hours of it, he started pegging them in the backs of their heads with another round of blue. Justin threw various gels at him. Noah confiscated the paintball gun. Eva tied his hands behind his back and forced him to finish the last few splotches with the rag in his mouth.

Totally worth it.


	10. What Duct Tape Can't Mend

"I will freaking _pulverize_ you, Ezekiel!"

As the scream echoed across the pool, Tyler, Katie, and Noah all put down their plastic forks and turned quizzically towards the tiki smoothie bar where Eva sat with Izzy (well, Izzy was upside-down spinning around on her head), as if they thought she had been the one to shout it. She actually looked offended that they had assumed it, Eva. Not that Ezekiel could blame her- it was a guy's voice. A _high-pitched_ guy's voice, but a guy's voice still.

"Honest to goodness, I will do it! Don't test me!"

"C'mon, Coody. Here comes the plane."

Seething, the injured boy opened his mouth and allowed Homeschool to slip the soup in. "Aw," he cooed, scooping up another spoonful, "you're bein' so good 'bout this, biscuit."

The boy tried to kick at him, but his knee twitched about two inches and that was all.

Ezekiel glanced over his shoulder a second time as Eva splashed through the water towards the two of them and the other three teenagers who sat with their feet dangling in the shallow pool. "That you who yelled, Feathers?" she asked, gesturing vaguely at his nose with her cherry smoothie. Instead of shaking his head like a sane person, he shrugged. "You sure? 'Cuz it sure sounded like it was you. Or Homeschool himself."

Noah muttered something into his sandwich that even Ezekiel didn't catch. Eva tugged her left earbud out again. "Repeat?"

"I said that's no surprise."

Tyler about choked on his porkchop, spitting bits all over his swim trunks. Eva tipped up a brow. "What's that s'posed to mean?"

"It's me, Eva," Cody snapped, making a second and slightly less pathetic attempt to kick the spoon from Ezekiel's hand. "The first thing that's going to happen when I get out of these bandages, is I'm going to tackle Ezekiel onto the couch and then I'm going to sit on his head, and then I'm going to make him stay there while I drawl on about Freud and Schrödinger."

She blinked. "You talk. With all those scars on your throat, I guess I kinda thought you lost the ability."

Ezekiel hesitated with the spoon as Cody's eyes flickered down towards his chest. Then they came back up again, bright and blue. "They're bad, aren't they?"

Shrug. "Worst I've ever seen. What happened, anyway? We've heard rumors, but I didn't catch the whole story. They hurt?"

"Why do you care?" Katie asked, leaning back on her elbows.

"I don't care about his dumb feelings, I just wanted to know. Yeesh! And you. What are _you_ doing, pussycat?"

Swallowing a couple of lumps, Ezekiel batted his innocent lashes at her as he clinked the spoon back in the soup bowl. "Feedin' Coody."

"Well, hit the road already." Eva flicked a thumb over her shoulder. "I'm taking over."

Ezekiel stared up at her, his brows crossed. He glanced around for a road, and, finding none, looked to her again and shrugged.

"Take off, Homeschool." Eva waved her hands at him for emphasis. "Get lost! Scoot! Scram! Toss the food. You've been lollygagging around over here long enough. You're Vitamin-D deficient. I want your butt out from under this thatched overhang thing and running laps out there in the sun. Or do I gotta snap your wrist?"

"No thank you," he whispered. He dropped the bowl on the tray and scooted off to join Noah, Tyler, and Katie where they sat with their plates (Tyler didn't have a paper bag handy, but something about that joke Noah had made had clearly upset him, because he'd yanked down his red headband and was breathing into that instead- Didn't his family believe in the wall thing?)

Eva watched this, hands on her hips. She clapped her hands. "Scrawny! Laps!"

"You didn't have to be so rude," Cody mumbled. "He was just trying to help."

"I thought you wanted to pulverize him."

"Well." The boy looked at his bandaged feet. "Not really."

Eva snorted a second time. "Trust me, new kid- stick around here long enough and you'll want to. We all do. Hey! Homeschool!"

So Ezekiel broke into a trot. He hadn't gone far before Eva hollered, "On the grass, you dipstick! No running around the pool unless you wanna break open your dumb skull like a freakin' coconut!"

"You know, that is scientifically proven to be a metaphor," Noah was saying when Ezekiel, puffing through his cheeks, came around for his second pass. "It's not literally going to break just because I said that Tyler and Homeschool have the same-"

The sky lit up with lightning. Noah yelped to rival the thunder, and in an instant he'd scrambled into Katie's lap, forcing Ezekiel to nearly slip and scramble around them as she overbalanced. Somewhere in the forest behind them, a tall pine groaned and toppled over with a thud. Without further warning, it began to rain. Ezekiel adjusted his toque and paused beneath one of the rubber palm trees.

"That… that was almost certainly a coincidence," Noah assured himself, not letting go of her shoulders. Katie sighed and patted his hair.

"I'd be worried in your place." Eva tossed over her shoulder. "Your big fat head is a tough target to miss."

"Oh, well then it's lucky I won't have to worry about being struck first, considering that you're dripping wet and your skull is filled with iron." He slithered away from Katie, rubbing down his arms. "I'm going inside."

Eva snapped her fingers above her head. "Hey pussycats, listen up! Fruitcake's got the right idea here. No one swims for thirty minutes after lightning. We're moving in. Everyone hustle. Chop, chop, chop."

As Katie and Tyler scrambled off, Noah spun around to scowl at her. He clutched his book and towel to his chest and seemed to be having a heavy inner debate on whether or not he wanted to stay out in the storm just to spite her. Ezekiel hoped he would. Then maybe _all_ of Eva's focus would switch to him, and she wouldn't notice if 'Homeschool' slipped away for the remaining six weeks.

"Dare you," she snorted at him, and taking Cody's wheelchair by the handles, she started for the hotel. "Let's make sure you of anybody gets in. You're broken enough without having your metal chair zapped by lightning too."

"I can take it," he protested, trying to squirm around and peer over his shoulder at her. "Electricity's nothing new to me, seriously. I'm practically immune to shocks."

"C'mon, Noah," Ezekiel said, waving for him to follow as he bounded after her.

The others had grouped in the lobby to towel off. Wet patches covered the striped sofa, and every other step landed Ezekiel's foot in a puddle. Mess, mess, mess. Eva knocked her knuckles on each skull as she counted them off, and then she stopped. "Wait. We're missing one."

Tyler pointed down the hall on the right. "I j-just watched Izzy take off for the basement closet to throw together a storm cellar. The other day she brought all the blankets up to the card room though, so-"

"Iz- Oh, you mean the Loony Bird. Yeah, I'm not worried about her. I should be, but I'm not." Eva looked around the lobby again. "Where's Pretty-Boy?"

Katie's hand shot up. "I'll go look for him!"

So she turned and plowed back through the double doors. The rain had already started to pick up speed, shifting from a drizzle to a tentative downpour, sloshing across plastic pool chairs. Wheels squeaked on carpet. Eva asked Cody if he "actually liked any of this crud", and when he admitted that the fruits and soup Ezekiel had brought him were not his preferred snack, even if "it was heaven after Chef's cooking", she dragged him down to the kitchen. Tara and Samantha darted out fast, and the door slammed behind them.

Ezekiel glanced at Noah. Noah wrinkled his nose. He glanced at Tyler. Tyler set his jaw and nodded. Together, the two of them crept down the hall and placed their ears against the door.

"… Yeesh, tough wheelchair," Eva was saying. "I'm just messin' with ya, scruffy. You mean Feathers. But if you're gonna stay here, you gotta pick up on a few rules like the rest of the guys."

"Like…?"

"First one, I've given everyone here a stupid nickname. You will learn all of said stupid nicknames, and if you talk to me, you will refer to each one by aforementioned stupid nickname."

"That will take awhile. I have a hard enough time remembering their real names on a daily basis. You'll have to take it easy on me."

She chuckled. "Fat chance, Mummy Boy. Now, we gotta get you a real nickname too, and fast."

"I thought my name was Bandages."

"It is. For now. But eventually you're gettin' out of those, and I can't keep calling you 'Bandages' when that happens. That doesn't make any sense."

"Eva," he said, "You just called Noah 'Fruitcake' and Tyler 'Feathers'. _That_ doesn't make any sense."

"He was coated in feathers when we dragged him off the boat. What do you expect?"

"Was he? Huh. That's weird." Something clattered to the floor. "Y'know what? I want to play this game Cody's way. I like nicknames, so I'm going to give you a one too."

"You want to give _me_ a nickname?"

"Hey, you branded me with Bandages. Just for that, I'm giving you the most stupid, most grating, most irritating nickname of all time… You don't have a problem with that, do you, Albert?"

Tyler covered his mouth. "He's dead as cats," he whispered. As softly as Tyler could whisper, anyway.

"Did you just call me Albert?"

"Do you hate it?" Cody sounded positively delighted. "I just thought I'd call you that. Y'know, after Albert Bandura- the guy who did the Bobo doll experiment and basically pointed out the flaws in the idea of catharsis, AKA the belief that redirecting one's anger on an unaffiliated target reduces levels of internal turmoil. Brilliant choice, Codemeister. You've really outdone yourself this time."

Eva groaned. "Great. I just befriended another freakin' nerd. What's _your_ department of expertise?"

"Oh, I actually have an art gift. But my mom's a psychologist. It's rubbed off. A little."

"Huh. Just don't get annoying with it. I think those bandages have lulled you into a false sense of security. Don't push me, new kid. Paralyzed or not, I _will_ mash you to a pulp if you get me angry. Right now, I'm not angry. Who beat you up?"

"Oh. I got mauled by a bear."

"You got mauled by a bear." A plate clinked down on a hard surface. "Hang on," Eva said, and Ezekiel could pick up a trail of jumbled lyrics as she popped out her earbuds. "You got mauled by a bear. You got mauled by a beat and that's how you lost half your face."

"Heh heh. I kinda did, didn't I? You think this is bad? You should've seen how _he_ came off after that fight.

"Nuh-uh. Shut up."

"Okay. I was just messin' with ya, dude. Yeah, I got wrecked."

A fork scraped across glass. "But you did get mauled, at least? Don't tell me you were lying about that part. I hate liars."

"I guess I did."

"What's that s'posed to mean?"

"Well. That's what everyone says happened, at least. I don't actually remember it myself. Not a fleck."

"Here. Oreos. Open wide."

Their conversation trailed into chewing and mutters from there. Ezekiel waited a little longer, but at last pulled his ear away when, up the hall, Katie bounded back in dragging Justin after her. He scrunched his eyebrows at Tyler. Tyler understood the question before it was asked and simply shrugged. "Huh," Ezekiel muttered and, scratching behind his neck, went off to dump his soaked towel in the laundry.


	11. Pretty in Pink

His first words to Tabitha Amber Collins were exchanged over the breakfast buffet table, and they were, in all their entirety, "Yo, yo, dawg! Watch where you're flingin' that jam, eh?"

"Sorry," she muttered back, her eyes cast downwards. Her cheeks turned about as pink as the swimsuit dress she was wearing. She finished preparing her toast, scraped a bit of corn on her plate beside the mashed potatoes, and scampered off somewhere out of his line of sight.

Then, not much later, when he was seated in one of the pool chairs eating croissants, Beth came by again. She tripped over the stray boots he had kicked off and ended up tumbling right into his lap, spilling juice and fruit and bread crumbs all over him.

"Yo! 'Tis not cool, homie!"

"S-sorry. My bad. Um… Zeke, is it? I'll… clean it up." She blinked at him a few times before saying, "Does anyone around here see my glasses?"

"Yeah, here ya go, homes."

She even tripped while coming back with the paper towels, right over her own feet on a smooth surface. That sent the towels unrolling; what was left of them came to a stop at the foot of Ezekiel's chair. He watched as she crawled over to them, ripped off a single square, and went to work scrubbing the yellow tiles.

"I don't mean a' be pokin' fun or nothin', but you're sorta a clumsy one, eh?"

"A little," Beth replied without raising her head. "But if you think I trip a lot now, you should've seen me back on the island."

"T'was that bad, eh?"

"The absolutely, positively worst." Finally she smiled up at him, revealing a mouthful of heavy braces. "This one time back at camp, Chris made us perform in this talent competition, see, and so I took my fire baton and started spinning it, you know, like you do, and then I threw it high into the air… It landed pretty hard." She chuckled. "I almost whacked Heather on the head. As far as I know, there's still a big, singed hole back where I was standing at the time."

Ezekiel squinted. "Yo dawg, uh, what's a baton?"

The train-track smile grew wider. "I am so glad you asked. Stay here for a second."

She only tripped one time between Ezekiel and the hotel door, and not at all when she came back with a long stick in one hand and a gallon of lighter fluid in the other.

"Uh… you ain't gonna try the whole fire thing again out here, are ya? Not after ya just told _The Zeke_ that story 'bout you and the singed hole?"

"Relax- I've been practicing. I got this. And besides, this time I'm only using one baton." Beth started twirling. Ezekiel started looking for somewhere to hide. "Twirling is easy once you get the hang of it. I'll teach you, if you like. First, you hold it vertically, like this."

"Yeah?"

"Then you turn your wrist back, like this, in this direction."

"Yeah?"

"Then you tilt it this way, and sort of catch it as it comes around your wrist, like this. A simple circle, see?"

"Y-yeah?"

"Now, watch what happens when I light it up!"

He swallowed thickly. "Are ya, uh, sure 'bout this?"

"I wouldn't set fire to it if I weren't, would I?"

Ezekiel traced his pointer finger along the gold chain 'Z' his father had mailed him. "Well, uh…"

"Don't answer that. Here we go!" The baton caught, and Beth began to twirl. Faster and faster, around and around, until both lit ends were a blur- a full flaming circle. Ezekiel began to clap, praying that when she saw his approval she would stop before she tripped again and caught them both on fire or something.

But Tabitha Amber Collins was not the type to take a hint. No, Tabitha Amber Collins only grinned and began to twirl the baton even faster. She crouched down, still spinning, and then sprang up and tossed the baton high into the air above her head.

Ezekiel did not miss the fact that Katie, Tyler, and Justin all went diving for cover at this point.

"I've got it, I've… Oh, golly. Zeke, look out!" Beth lunged for him, tackling him from the chair. They went rolling head-over-heels across the slippery yellow tiles. When Ezekiel looked up again, grunting from Beth's hands pressed into his stomach, he saw that the palm tree above his chair had caught fire.

"Yo!"

Beth began chewing on her fingernails. "Um… That one was just for practice."

"No prob, BB! I got this!"

So saying, Tyler promptly ran to the pool and slipped heroically in, headfirst.

Once Justin and Katie had taken care of the fire, Beth brought her singed baton over to Ezekiel, wringing his hat after Katie's misadventure with the hose had led to 'accidentally' dousing him, and glumly said, "I don't suppose you'd like to try, would you?"

"Nuh-uh! No way, homes."

Beth shrugged, undaunted, and walked past him, spinning as she went. "Yeah, I thought so. That's okay. Maybe it's for the best. You probably wouldn't be able to do it anyway, huh? I guess it's more of a girl thing."

" _What_ did ya just say?"

"Um… baton-twirling is a girl thing?"

"No, right before that- Didya just say that us guys _can't_ twirl those silly baton thingybib-bobs?"

Beth looked at him in surprise, then shrugged again, almost smiling. "Well, sure. I mean, it takes a lot of practice, skill, and patience to be a good twirler, and in my experience, most boys don't-"

" _The Zeke_ can do anythin' that he puts his mind to! Word!"

Pause. Beth frowned. "Okay, then here. All you had to do was ask. Hold it in your hand just like this, with your fingers-"

He snorted. " _The Zeke_ does not require your assistance."

"Oh, um… Well, if you're sure about that." She released his wrist. "I'll be happy to teach you if you change your mind."

Ezekiel stalked off with the baton in hand, spinning it through his fingers. He dropped it more than once, but after an hour of straight practice he started to get the hang of it, and actually had it going pretty fast. Katie clapped politely for him, but Eva was less impressed.

"You look like a girl."

Ditto for Noah: "I really expected you to go farther in life, Homeschool. Actually… no. No, I suppose I didn't. What now, are you planning to join a marching band? Not sure the circus will take you back since you clearly already ran away from it."

Some friends.

Once Ezekiel was mostly catching and not mostly dropping, he returned to where Beth lay on her back in the sun, with shriveled cucumber slices spread across her eyes. "A'right. I've got this. Go ahead, homie. Light me up, eh."

Beth lifted one of the cucumbers away, then sat up fast and raised her hands in surrender. Or warning. "Hey, wait. The fire is for experienced twirlers only."

"Yeah, and, uh, _The Zeke_ 's got plenty of experience with this twirlin' stuff now. I've played with fire afore. I can handle a bit on the ends a' this stick."

"Sorry, Zeke. I can't do that for you." She took hold of her baton and started trying to tug it from his grip. "But it was cool watching you spin anyway. You're a natural. I was so wrong. Boys really can do this kind of thing."

"No, wait a moment, homes!"

Scowling now- scowling hard- "Enough's enough. It's mine, so give it _back._ "

"Just one li'l spark?"

"No!"

"But I was doin' so good, eh!"

"Stop it! Leggo!"

"Just another minute? Aw, please?"

" _Mine_!"

Ezekiel would have won the tug o' war for sure (He was a guy and therefore stronger, after all), but Eva took control of the situation by snatching the baton from both of them and holding it high above her head. Beth jumped up and down for it, while Eva kept the taller Ezekiel at bay with a well-muscled hand shoved in his face.

"You're like a buncha dumb little kids."

"But-"

"Yo-"

She flicked the baton to her other hand. Ezekiel could hear lyrics from some song he didn't recognize - something about a girl worth fighting for - trickling from her earbuds. Eva drew her single thick brow down. "And after that whole incident with the flaming tree, I don't think either of you girls should be allowed to play with this."

"E-Eva, that's my-"

"Is there a problem? New girl?"

Beth starting wringing her hands. Her eyes darted back and forth between Eva and Ezekiel as Ezekiel continued to whine and flail with his hands, and Eva continued to keep him at arm's length with her palm. "N-no. Never mind, Eva."

"Good. You can have your dumb toy back tomorrow, _if_ you and Homeschool can prove that you can play nice together. Go! Scram! Go have fun! That's an order!"

Which was why, a full five minutes later, the two of them were still sitting together with their feet in the pool, kicking gently at the water with bare feet, saying nothing, not even looking at one another lest the other think himself - or herself - the victor of some unspoken battle of wills.

" _Huuuhh…_ " Beth said. It was not a word, only a long sigh, and she propped her elbows on her knees and let her chin drop into her hands.

Another minute passed in silence. A long minute.

"Uh…" Ezekiel started rubbing at his left shoulder with his other hand. "So, euh… Um. Beth, eh?"

"Yeah, that's me. Tabitha Amber Collins. And your full name is Ezekiel?"

"Uh-huh. Ezekiel Foster. With an 'Adam' in the middle. Yep. That's what my name is."

"Cool."

"Yeah."

The pause was a little shorter this time, because Beth looked over at him and offered a timid smile. "It's a nice name. I like it. Kinda rolls off the tongue, huh?"

"Yours is good too, homes. All soft soundin' and… stuff. The 'Beth' part, I mean. I like it alone, more'n I like the 'Tabitha' part. If that's not mean."

"Thanks. I do to. 'Tabitha' is an old lady's name."

Pause.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you since your name is kind of like that to. Not the lady part. Just the old part. Since you don't meet a lot of Ezekiels out in the world. I'm going to stop talking now."

Across the pool, Izzy flung Tyler from the diving board, then flip-cannonballed after him. Ezekiel scratched a small scar across his knuckles.

"Uh… ya look really… nice in pink, eh?"

"Oh. Well, thanks. Um… I think that green really suits you. But aren't you hot?"

"Huh?"

Beth straightened, taking one hand from her face to half-shrug an apology at him. "I'm _boiling_ right now, and you're wearing double layers. Plus," she added, wrinkling her small nose, "you smell all sweaty. It's actually pretty gross. In a so-not-rude way."

"Oh, uh… Y-yeah, I guess _The Zeke_ 's a little bit hot today, yeah."

She slid into the pool, submerged herself fully, and bobbed back up to the surface again, spewing faintly and clutching at her thick glasses. "Well, the water'll cool you right off. It's great! Come on in!"

He stood to do so, then stopped. Then moved again.

"Zeke?"

"I, uh…" He swallowed nothing.

"What's the matter? Can't you swim?"

"Eh? Yo, yo, dog! I can swim just fine. I just don't want a' get my hoody wet, is all."

She removed her glasses and blinked at him through squinty eyes. "Why don't you just take it off then?"

"Uh. . ."

"I mean, that's what you did back at the cliff during the first challenge, right? You don't have a medical disease. I think I saw you in the water."

"No, 'tis just… just a stupid thing."

For another moment Beth stared at him. Then she shrugged. "Suit yourself, Zeke. I'm going swimming."

And she did.

He watched.

In silence.

For ten minutes.

It was very boring.

Then he groaned without loosening his jaw. "A'right, this is just stupid. _The Zeke_ is comin' in."

Beth looked up when he stood and offered him a smile. "Oh? You are? Well… cool. I'm glad."

"Eh?"

"You seemed really lonely there all by yourself. I was worried I would have to come and sit with you again. So you're really coming in?"

"Yeah, yeah… I'm comin'." Ezekiel wriggled from his hoody and tore off his undershirt, then dropped into the pool beside Beth, who watched him smugly.

"See? See? I _told_ you the water was really great today. Why'd you hesitate so long, all hovering like a dragonfly?"

"Well, uh, ya see…" He scratched at the back of his neck and his eyes roved around for a moment. Eva was dunking Noah on the far side of the pool. Justin was showing off for Katie. Izzy and Tyler were still slapping at each other. Cody sat alone in his wheelchair, apparently asleep. " _The Zeke_ has a little… it's more of a kind a'… Well, j-just look at my arms, homes." He held them out so Beth could see, and she peered at them uncertainly.

"What's wrong with them?"

"They're getting' all… red. And burned and stuff, eh."

"Looks like a farmer's tan to me."

The phrase made him frown. "Farmer's tan?"

"Yeah, you know. It's not a sunburn or anything like that- it's a tan. Everyone gets them. Are you sure you've never had one before? I really thought you had one when you jumped from the cliff. Not that I was looking."

His frown tugged a little deeper. "I just… ne'er noticed it 'fore I got here. I, uh… Vitamin-D deficient… not so much time in the sun, eh."

"Oh. I see. Um… Well, it's not like having a tan is anything to be ashamed of. Not like tripping over your own feet on television as many times as I have." Beth smiled, showing each one of her shining silver braces. "Actually, I think it's kinda cute."

" _Cute_ ," he repeated, half-disgusted.

"I used to spend all my time outside back home on my farm. Chasing the chickens, riding the horses, watering the sheep-"

The world could have ended then. Ezekiel placed one jittering hand on the cement wall of the pool and just… gawked at her.

"Hold up, homes. Didya just say 'Back on my _farm_ '? Are ya tellin' me that ya slopped pigs? In the mud? And ya cared for horses? And the chickens? And the sheep? Yourself? Even if ya got dirty?"

The questions caught her off guard. She slipped beneath the water, coughed once, then looked back up at him. "Yeah, why?"

"Well, I've just ne'er met a farm _girl_ afore. Just, y'know, other guys, like _The Zeke_. And sometimes not e'en them, eh."

"Heh. Me, I was practically _raised_ by the pigs themselves!"

"Huh!"

"Sure. Like this one time when my dad told me to go out and fetch the biggest hog so we could get him ready for the county carnival, and I went out there and the gate was wide open, swinging and bumping against the side of the barn, and I had to rush to my trusty sheepdog and saddle up on of the smaller horses all by myself for the first time…"

They went on and on like this, swapping farm stories, until the cows would have come home. Beth loved to chatter, and even if she was just some silly, clumsy girl with thick glasses and heavy braces, Ezekiel found that he didn't mind listening to her. Not really, anyway.


	12. Little Prince of the Gophers

"And so then I told her I didn't want to be in her stupid alliance anymore."

Ezekiel hardly noticed that his glass had filled up and the grape smoothie was starting to overflow from the machine across his hand. "Nuh-uh. Ya di'n't!"

"Ooh, yes I did."

"And she didn't _kill_ ya?"

"She tried all right, but just about then Leshawna showed up with her paintball gun and blasted Heather with it. Heather got really mad about it and it looked like fun, so I shot her in the leg while her back was turned. Close range and everything."

"Didn't happen, eh."

"It did too! It so did! You weren't even there, so how would you know anyway?"

He folded his arms and tilted his chin up, nostrils flared. "Well, I just I don't think ya'd go and do somethin' so stupid, eh? Not after Heatha said all that stuff 'bout how badly she'd hurt ya, and not after y'already put up with her for so long."

Beth flushed a deep tint of cherry. "Well, I did, so there."

"I ain't buyin' it."

"It's true."

"Ne'er happened, dawg."

"Why would I lie to you?"

"'Cuz ya don't wanna admit a' bein' a chicken. Like when ya wouldn't jump off the cliff, and ya had a' wear that ugly chicken hat. Chicken, chicken, bawk, bawk, bawk, eh." With each of those last words, Ezekiel jabbed her in the shoulder with his pointer finger. Beth's face turned white, then pink, then red, and then purple.

"You know what, Zeke? You know what? You think that you're _so_ cool and all, but you're really just a big, fat, _jerk_ , and I don't know why I even bothered to share all these stories with you if all you're going to do is criticize me."

"Well, 'least I don't e'er lie to all my friends just so they'll think I'm brave or somethin'."

"Lie to your friends? What friends? You don't have _any_ friends. And who said I even wanted to be friends with you in the first place? _I_ sure didn't. Forget it, Zeke. This 'friendship' is over." Beth folded her arms, spun around on her stool, and gave a loud "Hmph."

"And now you're yellin' at me? Yo, yo, dawg! Ya girls are just so… so… Aw, _The Zeke_ ne'er wanted a' be your friend anyway, ya knob." Ezekiel copied her posture, and they sat like that in silence, watching their fellow ex-campers splash one another in the pool or read or snack on carrots and apple slices.

"… Katie seems a' be real happy now that her friend, uh, Sadie's come and joined us here."

"Tch."

"Well, fine. Be that way, ya knob."

"… It looks like Cody and Eva have sort of become friends now. I mean, she won't let Izzy anywhere near him, in case she breaks him even more."

"Hmm."

"You're such a jerk, Zeke. I can't believe that I've wasted all my time here talking to _you_ when I could've been making friends with Katie or Justin or swimming or _something_."

Tyler smacked Izzy in the head with his frisbee. Noah slammed his book down on top of a particularly fat bumblebee.

Sniffled sort of sigh.

"… When ya blasted Heatha with that paintball gun… was her face really funny?"

"Heh. The best! I wish you would've been there!"

"Me too, dawg." They shared a smile, but it was brief. Ezekiel started to scratch the back of his neck. Beth played with the straw of her smoothie.

"When Leshawna locked Heather in the freezer, though… now _that_ was funny."

He said, "So… ya really went and stood up to her like that, after all she put ya through?"

"Of course I did. Just ask Cody. He saw. Well, he saw part of it. Actually I don't know how much he really remembers. That bear got him pretty hard just after that."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Whate'er ya say, homes. I believe ya. 'Ts not really worth fightin' o'er, eh."

"Guess not… Sorry, Zeke."

"S'okay. S'all good, s'all good. So, uh… friends again, eh?"

She punched him very lightly in the shoulder (It was more of a tap, but in Beth language, that translated to a decent sock, or whatever that word was). _"Best_ friends. I can't even remember what we were fighting about anyway. Something stupid, right?"

"Oh, it was 'cuz-"

He cut off when Beth glared at him. Maybe he didn't know much about girls, or social situations, or girls _in_ social situations, but spending two, three weeks with Eva had mostly taught him when it was time to stop talking.

"Uh, right. Yeah, that was it. Somethin' stupid. Uh… yo, y'wanna help me out with the next challenge I'm gonna set up?"

"But Cody told me-"

"Yo, _The Zeke_ promised Cody he would stop with the challenges for _awhile_ , homes, and it's been two days now. Deal's off, eh."

"Um… well…"

"It's gonna involve a pig," he wheedled, and a slight smile came over her face.

"All right, _best friend_. You talked me into it. Deal."

Which was why they were slogging through the mud that lined the base of the gully ten minutes later, swatting flies and occasionally hissing for the other's attention so they might point out a russet fox before its tail swished and it bounded off. The forest smelled like freshly-overturned grass and slightly wet dirt. Ezekiel thought it was nice to be out here among the trees with someone else for company, but as they moved further from Playa Des Losers, Beth's darting eyes and knocking knees didn't seem to agree with him.

"Zeke, I think we should head back."

"Back?" Hammer in one hand, he launched himself over yet another slanted tree trunk. "We've only been out here for, uh, 'bout twelve minutes, homes."

"Yeah, but it's a cloudy day. Kinda dark. It's making me a little nervous."

Ezekiel pinned another mongoose poster to the nearest tree. "S'all right if ya wanna go back, homie. _The Zeke_ ain't gonna stop ya."

"But you'll stay out here all by yourself?"

"Sure. These pictures won't get hanged up 'emselves, and t'wouldn't be fair if Katie and Sadie did their half a' these and I skimped out on mine. Pass me another a' those pigs, eh."

"When you said there was going to be a pig in this challenge, I thought you were talking about a _real_ pig."

Ezekiel positioned the nail against the tree and started slamming it into place with his hammer. "Nah. Kevin said that Chris wasn't gonna let us use any a' his precious animals for our little game. Insurance stuff or somethin'."

The other photos dropped from Beth's hands, scattering among the undergrowth. "Um… Zeke?"

"Huh?"

Soft-voiced, "Turn around."

His hand to the tree bark, he did. Very cautious. Very gentle.

A small, brown fluff of a creature stared up at him from the soft grass and long-dead leaves. It just sat out in the open. Brave as something like a cheetah or a red-tailed hawk or the like. Two identical creatures flanked it as it placed one paw forward. A second. A third.

"It's a gopher," Ezekiel realized. Their ears twitched as they heard their name, but none of them skittered off. Crouching, with slow movements, Ezekiel put out his hand for them to sniff. The gophers exchanged glances like, _Who does this moron think he is?_ He could have sworn one of them actually upturned its tiny black hands and shrugged.

"Maybe they think I'm their king." He moved to pet the nearest on its head, but one of the gophers snapped at his finger, bit in deep, drew blood, and then all three of them scattered. Yelping, Ezekiel stuck his knuckle in his mouth.

"Oh," breathed Beth. She adjusted her glasses and plucked up the scattered papers from the dirt. "That was so neat!"

"Yeah, well, easy for you to say when you weren't the one who got bitten, eh?" Sucking louder, Ezekiel pushed himself back up to his feet. "Let's finish with those posters. This scavenger hunt's gonna be so much fun. I'll bet e'erybody's gonna be so happy!"

…

"Oh, great. What does Chris's little pet want us to drag ourselves through now?"

"Shush. Just like, let him have his little fantasy, 'kay Noah?"

"The rules to this next challenge are real simple, dogs. Katie and _The Zeke_ 've assigned each of ya an animal that we thought represents ya in some way. Out there in the forest are ten pictures a' each animal. The first one that collects all ten a' their posters and brings 'em all back to Kevin at the smoothie bar wins, uh…" He rubbed his nose with the still-stinging knuckle of his left hand. "Hold on- what was that prize you wanted again, Katie?"

"Huh? Oh, oh yeah! Izzy found this _beautiful_ dress down in the basement with all the plushies, and she said it would be okay for the winner to have it for keeps! Eeee! Seriously, it's like, so fab. Isn't it fab, Sadie?"

"Of course! So _yummy_."

"… Ya've gotta be kiddin' me."

"I'm with Homeschool here on this one."

"That sounds dumb."

"Aw, can't we just have another box of donuts?"

"I wonder if my Lindsay'd like that dress…"

"Yeah, uh… we'll try comin' up with a better prize later," Ezekiel promised, glancing from Justin to Noah to Eva and back again. "Like chocolate or somethin', but in the meantime, we should get started here, eh. Beth?"

She stood beside a stack of cardboard boxes, and when Ezekiel called to her she picked up the one that had a crudely-drawn boar scrawled across it. This was then presented to Noah, who accepted it unenthusiastically.

"So… why am I the pig?"

"Well, remember when ya called yourself the runt a' the litter, homes? Yeah, that got me thinkin', so we decided a' make your travelin' companion a pig."

"Traveling companion? There's a _pig_ inside this box?"

"Yeah, but just a small one, eh. It's stuffed. What, s'not _real_! Chris wouldn't let us have a real pig. I won't e'en make ya hug it or snuggle with it at night. Ya've gotta keep it with ya as you collect your posters or it won't count, eh?"

"Forget this." Noah set the crate, albeit carefully, in the grass and began to walk away. "I have a book to read and a buffet to enjoy, so if you'll excuse me…"

"I'll remind ya that ya said that when the winner gets a tray a' cookies all to 'emself, dog! And a box a' donuts! And a cake!"

Noah kept walking. Ezekiel huffed through his nostrils.

"A'right, fine. We don't need him anyway. Eva, you get the mongoose-"

"Ya done somethin' right for once, Homeschool."

"-Coody's got a chipmunk…"

Cody, his cheeks stuffed full of marshmallows, looked up in surprise. "Mm? But my chair! I can't get through the forest like this!"

"So don't play then, homes. Noah ain't. That'll be his loss, though, eh. Sadie gets the squirrel. Justin has this tabby cat… I think we gave Tyler the goat and Beth the beaver. Yo, did we _wanna_ give Izzy the snake?"

"Snake? Where? Oh, you mean _that_ snake. So cute! Come to mommy, little snakie. Aw, just look at the little baby girl. She's precious. Ow! Hey, hey! No biting! Bad snake! Bad!"

"Fishcakes realizes that's a stuffed toy, right?" Justin muttered to Sadie, who replied with an absent, "Probably not."

"So then that'd leave _The Zeke_ with…"

"The raccoon, of course," Katie told him triumphantly, and a giggling Sadie added, "A majority vote decided that it suited you, Zeke."

Well, you couldn't argue with the majority vote, now could you?

Two hours later, Ezekiel was fully prepared to argue with the majority vote.

It had started off innocently and fine. He hugged the raccoon between his right arm and his chest as he used his left to hold branches and slide bushes aside. Katie had done a fair job with hiding his posters. He'd come across most of the other animals, but only four raccoons. He'd been out here a lot longer than he'd wanted to, and was beginning to regret his decision not to bring any water along.

He'd been wandering awhile, and probably in circles. Ten minutes ago he'd rediscovered the creek where he'd hunted the crayfish. Not that he'd been looking for it. Which wasn't good. A few of them still drifted about, and he made a mental note to ask Beth if she'd like to accompany him on a little excursion tomorrow.

Then he heard a chittering noise. Pause.

The gophers had come back. Five of them- maybe six. They squinted up at him from beneath a raspberry bush. Even though he'd been nipped, Ezekiel found his heart melt some as he gazed down at them. He lowered himself onto one knee.

"Aw, hi again. Yo, I don't s'pose any of you playas can point me to where I can find any more a' those raccoon posters my friend Katie was settin' out, eh? Tall, thin, dark-skinned, black hair, pink shorts, kinda pretty…"

The gophers studied the raccoon he held. And, evidently, they thought it was the real thing, he'd killed it like a trophy, and he'd come to show them as a threat. As one, they launched themselves at his face. They swiped at his unprotected cheeks and bit into his uncovered throat. One even dove down his hoody and nipped at his belly button.

"Yo, yo, dawg! Stop doin' that! I happen a' like my hair _attached_ to my head! Ow! Ow!" Stumbling, spitting, he abandoned the stuffed raccoon and floundered away from the furious gophers. "Whate'er happened a' me bein' your king? I'd be a great king for ya, homies! Ow! You'll see! I'll prove it! But ne'er again will I - youch! - any more animals - hey! - in any more a' my- Will ya quit that already? This was s'posed to be a fun challenge, eh. Uh… ya have been tested for rabies, right! Youch! Youch!"

He broke into a spring, flinging gophers in all directions and pressing his trembling palm to his neck. He could smell the salty blood, and feel it dribbling through his fingers. The sharks would be out circling by the beach tonight, probably. There went his afternoon swimming plans. Over his shoulder, he tossed the short-tempered gophers a sour look. One day, he'd put them in their place. That was a promise. And he wasn't much for breaking promises.

The first ex-camper Ezekiel saw upon returning to Playa Des Losers was Cody, who had apparently been feeding the seagulls leftovers from the buffet table for the past two hours.

"Zeke? That you?"

"Yo, yo, dawg! _The Zeke_ is in the house! Er… at the pool! Word!"

"You look pretty scratched up."

"What, this? Nah, it don't hurt a bit. Youch! Ya flea-ridden little…"

Cody watched Ezekiel and the final gopher go at it again, blinking a few slow times to convey how unimpressed he was with the whole situation.

"A'right, a'right, homes… C-Dog, Codemeister, whoe'er… Ya win." At last shaking loose the gopher by lying on his back and prying it off with both shoes, Ezekiel rolled over onto his stomach again. He blew upwards, fluttering his hair. " _The Zeke_ 'll stop with the whole challenge thing, as I promised ya. No more a' these kindsa games for a good long while, eh. 'Least while my scratches are healin' up. _Youch_! Aw, you're back, eh?"

"You didn't win the scavenger hunt, in case you were wondering."

"Huh?"

"Over there." Cody flicked his eyes in the general direction of the smoothie bar. When Ezekiel glanced that way he saw Izzy defending her innocent snake from Eva's unblinking mongoose while Noah watched, bored. Eva herself stood nearby with her prize-winning dress at arms' length, a look of pure disgust on her face.

Unfortunately, that was when she happened to notice him standing there.

"Y'know Homeschool, I've been thinking 'bout what you and I put Fruitcake through with the whole crayfish deal, and we decided that it would only be fair if _you_ …"

Ezekiel decided to make a break for the hotel while he still had the chance. Six gophers slammed into the glass when he heaved the double doors shut behind him.


	13. Quote-Unquote Picked On

There wasn't even any question about it: If Noah woke up, then Ezekiel was going to die.

He stood there in the center of the room, rubbing at his left shoulder and feeling extremely self-conspicuous, or whatever. Noah was curled up in a nest among his blankets, seemingly sound asleep, but maybe he wasn't. Maybe he would wake any second. Maybe even the slightest noise would set him off. And if that happened, _The Zeke_ would simply be no more.

And to think- He was doing all this for _Eva?_

Right. Because he'd _completely_ had a choice in the matter. What an over-push.

Ezekiel took a step closer to the dresser. The floor shifted slightly underfoot; Noah grunted in his sleep and murmured the word, "Sniper," about six or seven times, but then went back to snoring.

"Tch… Keep dreamin' there, homes… Don't mind _The Zeke_ …" He reached the dresser without any further incident and, after searching the top, began pawing through the various drawers. Clothes, about twelve pounds of books, a collection of various batteries, more clothes, a hairbrush, a screwdriver, a secret stash of candy corn, and that was it.

"Man, ya can say a lotta things 'bout Noah here, but he sure is organized, eh. Look at all his shirts and-"

There was a soft _thump_ from behind him. Ezekiel's heart leapt into his throat, but a glance over his shoulder proved that Noah's hand had merely knocked against his headboard in his dreams. Since Noah's dresser was clean, Ezekiel moved a little bit closer towards the bed, patting down the side table. Nothing, but it had a single drawer. Maybe…

But no. The drawer was filled to bursting with pens and notebooks. Nothing more, and only a pair of shoes tucked away under the bed.

Well, shoot.

One last place to check, but it was the most dangerous - and surely the most unlikely, but Eva would probably murder him if he didn't at least give it a look. Ezekiel waited a few tense minutes, just in case Noah chose to make a move, but when nothing happened he carefully slid his hand beneath Noah's pillow. His hand touched something cool, smooth, and hard.

Jackpot.

Noah slept on. Very slowly, very carefully, breathing through his teeth, Ezekiel extracted his hand, his prize clenched tightly in his fist.

"Word…"

Another snort from Noah, who curled up even more tightly beneath his blankets. Ezekiel stepped away from the bed and a little bit to the left, towards the window. Enough light filtered in from outside for him to make out what he held, and he was disappointed.

"Yo, yo, dog. You've been holdin' out on us. But who keeps _chocolate_ under their pillow while they're sleepin', eh? This ain't e'en-"

He froze when Noah tensed, snoring forgotten, and it was all he could do to stay slow and quiet as he replaced the chocolate beneath Noah's pillow and made a break for the door. He stepped outside just as Eva did the same thing down the hall.

"Well? Any luck, Homeschool?"

"Nuh-uh. You?"

"If I'd have found it already, I would not have asked you in the first place, now would I? And here I thought Birdie was guaranteed- You wouldn't _believe_ half of what she's got in her room. Pigtails is clean, and so is Creampuff."

"Didja check Beth yet?"

"The new girl? She'll be next. Who've you searched so far?"

"Uh, Tyler and Justin… and Noah. Yeah."

"What about Mummy Boy?"

"Eh? No, I haven't gotten 'round to him yet."

"Aw, don't even bother- he wouldn't have gotten far as injured as he is. Plus, I personally know he wouldn't dare."

"Huh. So then if ya don't find it with either Beth or, uh, Coody, that's gonna leave the only one who it could be…"

They reached the conclusion at the exact same time. Before Ezekiel had the chance to duck away, Eva grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the nearest wall.

"Oh, you had better _pray_ that one of them took my MP3 player, because if I can't find it on either of 'em, well then… You don't even want to _know_ what I'll do to you, Homeschool."

" _Gagk!_ That's h-hardly fair of ya, eh? To p-pin the blame on _Th-The Zeke_ when he d-didn't e'en take your st-stupid 3P-whatsit in the f-first place! I d-don't e'en want it! I don't e'en know h-how it works, eh!"

"First, I will pluck out each one of your eyelashes and then tear off each one of your fingernails. Then I will break each of your limbs. And your spine. After that I will wring your little neck and stuff your remains into a woodchipper."

"A-ain't that a little t-too much fuss to be m-makin' over some silly PM3 thingie? Yeah, h-homie? Y-you wouldn't really d-do that to, uh, your f-friend _The Zeke_ , e-eh? Your non-enemy, _The Zeke_?"

"Unless you want to find out, you'd better hope that I get my music back. Either that or you'd better start looking for a good place to hide." Eva throttled him once more by the collar and then released his shirt. She made that _I'm watching you_ hand sign at him and stomped away down the hall, growling insults under her breath as she headed for the next floor in search of Beth's room. Once she had disappeared, Ezekiel slumped back against the wall and slowly slid down to the ground.

"Yo, yo, dawg. This ain't right, eh."

A door on his right opened up and a round, sleepy face blinked owlishly out at him. "Zeke? I heard noises. What's going on?"

"Well, I was just… havin' a nightmare. Sorry, homes. Didn't mean a' bother ya. It's 'bout three in the mornin'. Go back to sleep."

It was Katie's friend- that pale, plump one whose name he'd forgotten twelve times just since she'd shown up at the Playa. In the back of his mind Ezekiel realized that it was the first time he had ever seen her with her pigtails down. Dark hair framed her face, bringing out the curious look in her eyes. Sadie- that was it. Katie and Sadie. Yeah, that was s'posed to be easy to remember. Tch. He must be getting tired.

"Was the scary girl picking on you again?"

"Hold up, homie- Guys do _not_ get 'picked on' by girls. Eva was just, uh… persuadin' me into helpin' her out. Yeah. Y'know, friend-a'-friend things, eh?"

Sadie stepped fully into the hallway, shutting the door behind her, and took a seat on the floor beside Ezekiel. "What's so bad about us girls anyway?"

"Huh?"

"I've been meaning to ask ever since you, like, made all those sexist comments your first day. What was it? Oh yeah. Guys are so much better at sports than girls are, right?"

"And stronger," he reminded her. "Ya e'er seen a girl carryin' a couple bales a' hay all at the same time?"

"I guess I can't argue with that…"

"But, uh, well… uh… Girls can be strong too, eh? I mean, just look at Eva."

Sadie stared at him for all of three seconds. Then she began to laugh, and Ezekiel started to laugh with her. He didn't know why - he hadn't meant to say anything particularly funny - but soon they were both cracking out in heaps of giggles.

"Seriously though," Sadie finally managed, "she sounded, like, _really_ angry. What'd you do to her?"

"Nothin', dog! I swear! _The Zeke_ didn't e'en _touch_ her stupid P3-whatsit!"

Her face melted. "You mean someone stole Eva's MP3 player _again_? Ohmygosh. No. Way."

"Yeah, way."

"Are you sure she didn't just like, misplace it somewhere? That's what happened last time."

Ezekiel shrugged and stared off down the hallway in the direction Eva had gone. "Yeah, well, e'en if that's true, she just ain't gonna listen a' _The Zeke_ , eh. And considerin' how attached to that thing she is, d'ya really think she would a' gone and left it lyin' around somewhere?"

"So when she couldn't find it, she decided to take her anger out on you?" He nodded, and her expression turned thoughtful. "Well… I still sometimes think of you as, like, just another greedy pig, and you're still really rude to girls, but… Katie said that you were pretty nice to her when she showed up here and all, and I guess not even you deserve to be stuffed in a woodchipper, so… I'll help you out."

"Huh? You mean-?"

"Hey, we can, like, totally find Eva's MP3 player if we work together, right?" Sadie offered him her hand, but he climbed up to his feet by himself. "Well, let's go."

Her words made him eye her suspiciously. "Just like that? Y'aren't e'en gonna go and wake up Katie first?"

"Nah. Katie, like, caught a cold or ate some bad food or got bitten by weird bugs or _something_ , because she's been sick for _hours_. I really don't wanna wake her up again."

"Huh." Ezekiel shook his head. "A'right then. _The Zeke_ 'll help ya find Eva's MP-whatsit."

"Don't you mean _I'll_ help _you_ find Eva's MP-whatsit?"

Tch. He felt the wrinkle above his nose. As if he needed help from a girl.

…

Their first stop was the freezer in the kitchen. Sadie tossed him the chocolate ice cream while she searched the mint for clues. Nothing.

Next they crept up on the sink, readying their spoons like weapons. Nothing, even when they switched on the water.

Abandoning the spoons, they searched potted plants, the game room, the beach, double-checked the freezer, then examined the golf cart, scoured the tennis court, and even peeked in on the basement, which contained little besides the boiler. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Ezekiel could hear the whirr of the woodchipper rattling in his ears, and he tried to avoid looking at his hands, or touching Sadie with them. The sweat was too thick. He could smell it. At last they meandered back to the pool, where they massaged their chins and paced.

"… so then we, like, went on and on about how everything you'd said was so mean and so not true and so disrespectful, and I think Katie said that you'd never get a girlfriend… or was that me?"

"Sounds like somethin' Katie'd say, if I know her at all," he muttered, kneeling down near the water's edge.

"Anyway, it was actually, like, this _really_ long conversation, and it was really funny since you weren't even there at the time. I guess you would've been here at this place, having a blast, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, word." Ezekiel removed the cover from the pool filter and peered into it. He could hear the water sloshing around, but his eyes couldn't make out anything beyond blackness. "Yo, pass _The Zeke_ that flashlight, eh."

Her chatter trailed off as she joined him by the hole. "Woo… That's, like, really deep, isn't it? Do you really think we'll find Eva's MP3 player down there?"

"No," he told her truthfully, squinting as his flashlight beam reflected off the surface of the water, "but, uh, if it did fall in the water, this is where it'd prob'ly end up, eh? Uh… I think so."

"Creepy."

Ezekiel flattened himself to the ground and reached his arm down into hole. Sadie was right - it really was deep. Much too deep, in fact. His hand touched water, then slick piping, and his forehead creased with puzzlement.

"Yo, who 'signed this stupid…"

"Did you find it yet?"

"No, but-"

"Ooh, one time my sister, like, accidentally dropped her wedding ring down this grate, and her husband was kinda, like, doing what you're doing, lying on the ground and reaching like that into the sewers or something… He was so sweet."

Ezekiel splashed around a bit more in the water and, finding nothing, sighed hard through his teeth. "Ya girls talk too much. Can ya not keep any thoughts in your heads, and so it all comes babblin' out a' ya?"

"Zeke!" cried Sadie, shocked enough that her hair was beginning to stand on end, "That is, like, so _rude_! And to think that Katie said you were nice!"

"Well, I just think that if ya girls wouldn't go 'round yabberin' on… so… much… Uh…" He gave his arm another wriggle, but it was stuck fast. "Hey. Hey, homie? L-lend _The Zeke_ a hand here?"

Sadie's hair settled back into place; her face smoothed over a bit. She glanced from Ezekiel's face to his caught arm and back again. Then she picked up the flashlight from where it lay between the filter cover and Ezekiel's shoe.

"S-Sadie? Homie?"

"I'm sorry," she told him rather syrupy-sweetly, even offering him half a curtsy, "but I don't think that us girls are, like, strong enough to help out you guys."

"But… but…"

She was smiling. "Well… there might be _one_ girl who can help you out."

"One? Who- Oh! No, no! Please! Ya don't mean that, homes! The woodchipper, eh."

The flashlight beam began to roam around the poolside, and Sadie placed one hand on her hip. "Like, how much of a reward do you think Eva'd offer someone who found her MP3 player anyway?"

"S-Sadie! Homie! Dog!" Now he was sweating.

"Yeesh, stop shouting so much. You'll wake everybody up and it's only, like, four in the morning or something. This one time Katie and I stayed up all night… Oops. Sorry, Zeke- I'll stop now. You look pretty stuck in there. I guess I'll go and find someone to help you out now."

"Th-thanks, homes."

A sudden burst of light in his face made him rapidly blink. "Hey. . .are you, like, crying?"

"Huh? _The Zeke_? Don't be stupid, homes."

So Sadie left him behind. Ezekiel lay there in the quiet, listening to the pool burble to itself and knowing that he was a buried man if Eva caught him out here, stuck and unable to escape any of those tortures she had planned for him.

"Well, I just think that I prefer my eyelashes and fingernails the way that they are, eh."

Sadie didn't come back, and since it was late and dark and quiet he eventually drifted off, but when he woke again it was because Izzy and Beth were tugging at his arm. Mainly Beth - Izzy actually seemed to be more occupied with pawing through his hair. Sadie stood about a foot away. When she saw that he was awake she stretched out her hand; a small music device sat in her palm, and she looked awfully smug.

"Yo-"

Sadie merely pointed towards the smoothie bar. Needless to say, Eva kindly allowed Ezekiel to keep his eyelashes and his fingernails for a little while longer.


	14. This Is War

"Hold on, there are like… five, six, seven… nine queens in this deck!"

"Heh heh heh."

Justin lowered his soda and scowled at her over the top of his cards. "Izzy…"

"Yo, playas! Look who's up and out a' his ol' chair now, eh."

There were a few cheers at this, but most of them were half-hearted, and neither Eva nor Noah even bothered to raise their heads. Ezekiel stood Cody up a bit straighter so that he could receive a high-five from Tyler.

"Lookin' good, Codemeister."

"Looking good? Huh. Bandages looks a little more like a spaghetti noodle, if you ask me."

"Which, of course, we all did. Ow!"

"Aw, shut it, Fruitcake."

Cody's head slumped a bit to one side, and Ezekiel paused to reposition it again. "C'mon, y'ave gotta cut him a slick, dogs. He hasn't e'en tried standin' for, like, a week." Partially to prove his point, he released Cody's shoulders. This, of course, resulted in Cody slamming face-first into the concrete.

"Ooh…"

"That's gonna leave a nasty couple of skid marks."

"Sorry 'bout that, homes."

"No worries, heh heh… I'm a quick healer. Help me up again, will you?"

Cody turned out to be like a living scarecrow- he was about as limp as one, anyway. Ezekiel dragged him around the pool for quite awhile, reintroducing him to all his fellow ex-contestants, before he started to get bored of it all. When that happened he turned to food for comfort, but Cody even managed to ruin lunch with all his whimpering and pleading.

"No, I _won't_ share my cookies with ya, dog."

"Just one?"

"Yeah, but thanks to Izzy, these are the only three left, and I spent all mornin' workin' on 'em myself, eh."

"But _chocolate chips_ , man! Chocolate!"

"Yo, _The Zeke_ had enough a' feedin' ya back when ya were wearin' all those bandages. If you're so hungry, there are sandwiches and fruit and e'erythin' o'er there at the table."

"But Zeke, the food is across the entire pool and being guarded by _Izzy_. And I can't even walk."

Ezekiel shrugged, unconcerned, and slipped his sunglasses over his eyes.

"You know I'd share with you if they were _mine_!"

"Tch…" More to shut him up than because he actually pitied the guy, Ezekiel broke one of his cookies into slightly unequal halves. "A'right, a'right, here ya go, homes."

The drool was pooling on Cody's shirt. "Oh, sweet, sweet chocolate… After all these weeks, we meet again."

"But don't 'spect this a' become a habit or nothin'."

Cody tickled his cookie beneath its imaginary chin. "What's that? You want me to _eat_ you now? Well, if you insist. You. Me. My place. Right now." He crunched. His eyes rolled back in his head before the lids and lashes fluttered closed. "Mmm… Such gooey sweetness. Perfect. Oh yeah, right there, mmm… That's the spot."

He rubbed his knuckles his hoody and then paused to admire them- the way he'd once seen Noah do. "Yeah, well, I've just had a lot of practice with bakin' 'em, eh."

"Wait." That made Cody wrinkle his brow. "Hold on. Did you say that _you_ made these cookies? You? The Z-Man? Baking? Heh… Heh heh…" A long smile cracked across his face like splitting ice over a stream.

"What?"

"It's just - _pfft!_ \- isn't cooking usually considered a _girly_ talent?"

"Huh?" Now Ezekiel was utterly perplexed. "Cookin' is a man's job, homes. Where'd ya e'er get an idea like that?"

Cody's head lolled to one side, nearly tipping him from his chair, but once he sat up again his face was perfectly straight. Not for long- one look at Ezekiel's puzzled expression was enough to set him into a heap of giggles, and this time he really did fall to the ground.

"Yo dawg, can ya cut that off? E'eryone is startin' a' look o'er at ya like you're crazy, eh."

"But - heh, heh - you of all people - heh - I can't _help_ it!"

"What kinda farm did _ya_ grow up on, homie? I ain't ne'er seen a _girl_ wrestle a pig to the ground and start makin' bacon out a' it, and I ain't ne'er seen a girl carry a couple hundred boxes a' corn and shuck 'em for all a' six hours. Actually… Thinkin' on it, I ain't ne'er seen a girl shuck more'n six _ears_ 'fore sayin' that she broke a nail or somethin', eh."

"Heh, heh heh… heh heh…"

Ezekiel rolled his eyes like Eva. "I don't know 'bout you, homes, but _The Zeke_ 's cousins turned out a' be city slicka's- and girls. Wouldn't hunt for crayfish, wouldn't ride a tractor, wouldn't shoot a bow and arrow, wouldn't stop complainin' 'bout some smell, wouldn't touch mud or straw or properly care for any a' the horses or cows, and wouldn't e'en go near any a' the _chickens_ , eh. Though," he murmured to his next cookie, almost as an afterthought, "turns out that Beth girl lets her pig sleep up in her room with her and her sheepdog, and she actually _can_ ride a horse proper-like, so maybe there is _some_ hope for 'em girls after all, eh." Louder, "Yeah, she told me this story once 'bout… Aw, ne'er mind, homie. Ya look like you're gonna be needin' a little help gettin' back into your chair."

"Ha ha- Oh, don't bother, Zeke. I'll just – heh heh – fall right off it again."

The Boat of Losers pulled up surprisingly early that night, and before they reached the dock, half the ex-contestants already knew who had been voted off purely by her screaming.

"You can't do this to me! This isn't fair! The vote was rigged! I demand a recount- Ow, hey! Quit shoving! I _will_ return!"

"Huh. That's the bossy chicken girl, eh?" Ezekiel made a motion to symbolize the rubber chicken hat Chris had stuffed over her head his first day, when he'd jumped off the cliff for his team and she'd refused to.

Eva folded her arms and sneered down the dock. "Chicken is right."

None of them made a move to help Courtney up when she was tossed from the boat. Well, Katie actually took a step forward, but a warning touch on her shoulder courtesy of Eva held her in place. So they stood and watched as Courtney picked herself up.

"Like I said, again and again, I will return! This is not the end of me! You can't leave me here! You can't! I was a C.I.T.!"

It was about then that she realized she was being watched. Her eyes flashed from one face to the other, pausing the longest on her former Killer Bassmates; Tyler, Ezekiel, Katie, Sadie, and Eva.

"Oh. You're all… here. Um… Hello."

A few blinks, but that was it. Katie opened her mouth again, and another nudge from Eva kept her silent.

"Okay… awkward… All right, you know what? I have had it up to _here_ with all of Chris's stupid games today. I was _just_ unfairly kicked off the island, so if you'll ex _cuse_ me." Here she shoved her way between Ezekiel and Tyler, causing both of them to fall to the ground.

"Hey!"

"Yo, yo, dawg!"

Courtney flounced away without looking back even once.

"That Courtney," muttered Sadie, dragging Tyler back up to his feet, "I swear she is, like, so totally…"

"Ugh," Katie finished.

"Exactly. She's very 'Ugh'."

zekiel watched Courtney fling open the door to the Playa Des Losers hotel and stomp inside. He'd once heard Cody confess to Izzy that he thought Courtney's freckles were 'sweet' (which Ezekiel couldn't deny himself), but when he saw her then, all he could think of was the bossy, black-eyed, chicken-hat-wearing girl who hadn't jumped from the cliff, who had hardly pushed her crate along the beach, and who would have been eliminated instead of him. Would that have been him arriving at the dock today, if they'd been near-equals that night, and even she hadn't been able to wriggle her way through?

She even invaded his dreams that night. They were all there, in fact. It was the first time he'd ever dreamed about his fellow ex-contestants, and it would probably be the last. At least, Ezekiel hoped it would be the last. He had enough of Eva tormenting him in the daytime, let alone when he was asleep too.

She, Courtney, and Sadie trussed him up tight, strapped a rock to his chest, and tossed him into the pool. He'd screamed for Beth, Noah, Cody, Tyler, Katie - anyone - to help him, but they only stood there at the poolside waving good-bye and smiling like he was off to a wedding or something. He'd never drowned, but he didn't doubt that he had come close.

So Ezekiel was not in the best of moods the next morning. And, to no one's great surprise, neither was Courtney. She practically strangled him the instant he stepped outside. Honestly, not even _Eva_ did that to him.

"Harold is a stupid, two-bit, smelly- _Argh_! After all that I did for him, he turns on me like this? Oh, he is so going down!"

" _Gagkrakl-_ "

"He's a _traitor_ , Zeke, and don't you forget it! A traitor! And take off that tacky necklace and put your don't eat ice cream for breakfast, you weirdo." Courtney shoved him to the side and disappeared into the hotel lobby, leaving a dumbfounded Ezekiel sitting on the ground, rubbing at his throat, with his paper bowl overturned on the yellow tiles beside him.

"Yo, yo, dawg…"

Something - a fist? - smacked into the back of his head. A green-and-ginger blur back-flipped over him, hit the ground in a roll, leaped to her feet, and then took off running. "Tag, ha ha! You're dead now, Zeke! That's ten more points for Izzy! Woo-hoo!"

"… Huh?"

A hand snaked out from beneath the nearest bush and grabbed hold of his boot. "Get down, Zeke. Quick, before she comes back."

Not really knowing how else to react, Ezekiel scrambled to join her. "Yo, what's goin' on out here, eh?"

"Izzy's in, uh, ninja mode again or something." Beth coughed twice, then removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes. "She keeps going on about, uh, killing people… and regenerating… and points and all sorts of Izzy stuff. She's already tagged Tyler out, like, four times."

Ezekiel peeked out among the leaves, but there was no sign of Izzy. In fact, there was no sign of anyone. The pool rippled softly to itself, and that was it. "Where'd they all go then, eh? Uh… She didn't _really_ kill any of 'em, did she? 'Cuz knowin' her, s'not actually a ridicul-"

Beth clapped a hand over his mouth. "Shh! Or she'll hear you."

Once he nodded and after she coughed again, she pointed to another bush some distance off; on cue there was a burst of giggles. "Katie and Sadie are hiding out over there… Justin, uh, wanted to look for some place where he could, uh, get a tan in peace… and I think Tyler and Cody are pigging out under the buffet table."

Ezekiel counted them off on his fingers, then paused. "So, uh… those dawgs Eva and Noah?"

"Around the front. I think I might've heard them say something, like, about water balloons?"

He squinted. " _Noah_? With water balloons? Doin' somethin' sports-like and stuff? That can't be right. Yo… The world is comin' to an end."

"Uh-huh. At least, I think that's what they said they were doing up there. Really, those two are the silliest-"

"-oddest-"

"-sweetest-"

"Huh? _Strangest_ is more like it, homes."

" _Achoo_! Most perfect-"

"-most unlikely-"

"-best friends I think I've ever-"

"Aw, shoot- she's back." He and Beth ducked back into place just as Izzy came running out from around the corner of the hotel, cackling like a madwoman. Which Ezekiel supposed she was. Her hair was dripping wet and she was cradling at least six water balloons in her arms. She started towards Katie and Sadie's bush, which sent them squealing and scrambling. Izzy let them both escape unharmed since they had such a large lead on her, but the same couldn't be said for Tyler and Cody- she made a beeline for them.

"Ha ha ha! That was funny! Take that, you stupid guys! You're dead, deader, and deadest! Twenty more points for Izzy!"

"Ack! What _is_ this stuff? Blood?"

Ezekiel cringed. Beside him, Beth rubbed snot on the collar of her pink swimsuit dress and muttered something dark and thick under her breath.

"Tomato sauce? Ew, Izzy! Gross, man!"

"Hey! Dead men tell no tales, and neither do you. And you don't regenerate for sixty more seconds, so if you'll excuse me, _I_ have a couple of fellow girls to chase down. Oh, Sadie! Katie!"

"Just stay low, Zeke. Just. Stay. Low." Beth stifled another cough in the crook of her arm, and Ezekiel kept his voice down when he spoke to her.

"Beth? Are you feelin' all right? Your ponytail is all tremblin' like you're in a stampede or somethin'."

"I don't… I don't feel so good. That's what I get for having so much ice cream for breakfast every day." She started to stand; he grabbed her arm and tried to pull her back down, but a slew of spittle - and her whole retainer itself - in his face was enough to make him let go.

"A'right, a'right, homes. Uh… ya gonna need any help gettin' to the infirma-whatsit place?"

"N-no, thanks, but I think I-"

"Aha! _There_ you are, you silly glasses-wearing duckie!"

Beth didn't stand a chance in the face of Izzy's throwing arm. The water balloon caught her in the cheek and sent her sprawling across the tiles, in absolutely slow motion. She connected. Thudded. Almost bounced. Her glasses skidded. Her small dark eyes blinked. She sneezed and groaned. Ezekiel's sharp intake of breath was drowned out by Izzy's victorious screech.

"I am the queen of the massacre! Nothing can stand in my way now! Ha ha! Who's the winner now, huh?"

Ezekiel watched Beth reposition her glasses and make an attempt to sit up. Izzy placed a foot on the back of her neck and forced her down again. It sent a tremor down his spine, a faint fire in his gut, a growl between his teeth. No, no.

The thing about girls was, they _loved_ it when guys swept in to save the day. And Ezekiel liked Beth well enough since she was, after all, the only other contestant who had been farm-born and farm-bred. Despite their occasional fights, he thought a sort of kinship had formed between them. They'd actually become friends. Real friends.

He set his jaw. So, of course, this meant war.


	15. Water World

"No, sausage fingers: It's like this. The flap goes _around_ your hand, and then you pull it through this loop here."

"You're awfully good at this, Fruitcake. Are you sure you've never been in a water balloon fight before?"

"Hey, I'm the runt of the litter. If I'd ever pulled a trick like this on any of my sisters, I would've been smashed flat and soaked in seconds."

"What, the Fruitcake can't stand up for himself?"

He raised the water balloon over his head, eyes slitted. "You sound like you want to find out."

"No, no," Eva replied, chuckling. She was actually chuckling. "Let's work on taking Loony-Birdie out 'fore we start going at each other's throats here, yeah Fruitcake?"

Ezekiel chose that moment to make his move; he scrambled out from the plant cover, shaking leaves from his hair and palms, and said, "Yo, yo, dawgs."

This, of course, immediately put Noah and Eva on the defensive. Not that this was anything new to him. Not really, much. He scratched the hairs along his chin, wilting, as they made the attempt to stare them down.

"Well, uh, I just heard that there was some kinda wicked water balloon plannin' goin' on back here, eh. And since the three a' us were the first ones licked out a' the competish and now we're all friends and-"

"Forget it, Homeschool. Birdie is _our_ target."

"Aw, c'mon! Noah? Homie? Give me up for my back here?"

"Yeah, sorry, Homeschool. No can do. What Iron Woman said- These balloons are ours." He nodded his head towards one of the side hotel doors, the one that led straight into the kitchen. "But hey, if you're lucky, you might be able to snag one of your leftover biscuits or something. Assuming you have a strong arm, they should be hard enough to bruise someone pretty badly by now."

Ezekiel flared his nostrils. For good measure, he swiped one hand down his bare chest. "Well, _fine_ then. Good luck winnin' this silly competish a' yours without _The Zeke_ helpin' ya out, ya knobs." With that, he began to walk away, but in the reflection of the nearest window he saw Noah nudge Eva with his elbow.

"There's forty-seven cents in it if you can knock his hat clean off first try."

"Heh. You're on, Fruitcake." And she raised her thumb to help her aim. Ezekiel scrambled inside, cursing slightly beneath his breath, and flung the side door shut behind him just in time to hear the wet _smack_ of a bursting balloon against the wood.

"Aw, c'mon now, homes," he muttered, adjusting the gold 'Z' around his neck, "that ain't a cold thing to do to a guy, eh. That ain't cold at all."

"What the- Who- Ezekiel?"

He jumped at the voice, slamming his shoulder blades against the doorknob as he spun partway around. "Yo, _The Zeke_ … Hold up, ya… ya aren't really s'posed to be here in the kitchen, homes. Whatcha doin' in here, eh?"

"Oh, like _you're_ above the rules," Courtney retorted, setting her hand on her hip. She wrinkled her nose so her freckles blazed on her tan cheeks. " _I_ was a C.I.T. What's your excuse?"

He was about to tell her about Eva and Noah, but the words that came out of his mouth were, "Yo, yo, dawg- Are ya hoardin' more water balloons back there?"

"My name is Courtney Ross, and… What?"

Ezekiel came forward, gesturing towards the sink. "Noah and Eva were tryin' a' smack me out with balloons, eh. But now we've got the higher hand and-"

"Excuse me? _We_? There's no _we_ about this!"

"But-"

"I am _not_ sharing my ammo with you. I don't even _like_ you."

"Eva-"

"I don't care about your stupid rivalry with…" Her brow wrinkled. "With whoever you have a stupid rivalry with. _These_ are for hitting Sadie, because until traitorous Harold gets his traitorous butt kicked out of that stupid camp and off that stupid island, she's the one who needs to be punished the most. Thinks she's so great with her 'Oh, I, like, love Justin!' and her crab apples and her twin and all that… _Ugh!"_

Girls were so weird. Couldn't she put their petty differences aside and team up against the bigger threat of Izzy on a power trip?

Courtney, still muttering under her breath, actually seemed to forget that he was there. She plunged her hands into the dirty sink water and dishes, felt around for a brief moment, and then went back to filling up water balloons from the tap. Ezekiel watched her, considering hard, for a good three minutes before he spoke again.

"Y'know, Coourtney…"

"You're _still_ here? Ugh, you're such a creeper."

"Uh… yeah, okay, well… I was just thinkin' that you and _The Zeke_ could make a pretty wicked team here, eh."

Her ears pricked. She turned her head. "Team? What are you talking about?"

Ezekiel leaned his back against the sink counter, crossing his ankles in the way he'd often seen Katie do when she was about to tunnel into Tyler in a great big rant. "Izzy's out there by the pool goin' 'round and declarin' war on e'eryone who e'en steps outside. She's a'ready gone and hit Tyla and Cody with, uh, tomato sauce, and poor Beth too e'en though she was coughin' and sick and all that stuff, eh. And she wouldn't stop botherin' Noah and Eva, which I think might be why they 'cided to go and start makin' more balloons. And," he finished, scowling firmly, "I keep findin' her starin' in through my window in the mornin's, and e'en though she says she does that to e'eryone, it's really startin' to wreck me out, eh."

Courtney stared at him like she didn't understand what he was getting at. A limp water balloon like an eggplant lay in her palm.

"So, uh, here's what I'm thinkin', homie. Izzy ain't gonna let out on this ninja-whatsit thingie for 'bout anotha thirty-two hours 'less we beat her at her own game, eh. 'Least, that's what Noah and Eva are thinkin'. Now, _The Zeke_ wants Izzy a' get hit by some a' those water balloons. And trust me, homes- After hangin' 'round with her for a couple a' hours, you're gonna want a' hit her with a couple a' balloons too."

She had already turned her back to him and started filling up more balloons, but Ezekiel sensed that he was getting through to her now. After all, she hadn't yet told him to shut up. He leaned a little closer.

"Now, _The Zeke_ 'd also like to take revenge on a couple a' backstabbin' homies a' his, and I'm gettin' the feelin' that ya know _all_ about backstabbin' homies, eh. So if ya share your balloons with _The Zeke_ and help him take out Eva and Noah and Izzy, then _The Zeke_ 'd be very eager to help you get Sadie and do somethin' a' that traitorous Harold when he shows up here too, eh?"

"You'll help me hurt Harold? But why? I mean, he was one of the only Bass to not vote you out that first day."

This made Ezekiel frown. "He was?"

"Oh, no- Forget I said that." Courtney flashed a smile at him over her shoulder, her eyes narrow and dancing. Then she put out her hand. "I accept your offer."

Ezekiel studied the outstretched hand, and scratched behind his toque. Courtney's smirk faded into a thin line. She brought her hand closer, and it made him stumble half a step back.

"Um, hello? You going to leave me hanging or what?"

"I woon't hang you, Coourtney," he protested, frowning. "But you, uh… You ain't gonna flip me backwards over your shooulder like Eva, are ya, homie? Or squeeze hard like Sadie? Or zap me with a buzzy thing like Justin? Your hand looks empty. You just want me ta shake it, eh?"

"That's what you do when you make a deal." The irritation flashed hot in her voice. Ezekiel bit his lip and didn't meet her gaze as he reached out with his own hand.

"Ooh… Why?"

"Because that's just what normal people _do_." She dropped his hand and made a show of wiping it on her thigh. "It's how you say 'Hello', it's how you say 'I'm not going to hurt you', it's how you say 'You can trust me', and it's how you say, 'I'm a fully aware person and not some kind of freakish semi-human weirdo'."

He tilted his head. "Huh."

" _Yes_. Literally everybody knows this. Now help me fill up the rest of these balloons already, will you?"

…

"Now just calm down, stay low, and follow my lead. Remember, _I_ was a C.I.T."

"Yeah, okay. Word."

She was halfway up the roof before she bothered to pause and look back at him. She bit her lip. "Are you going to need a boost?"

" _Eugh_ \- No, no, _The Zeke_ \- _uff_ \- does this kinda thing all the - _euff_ \- time, eh."

With an exaggerated sigh and a roll of her eyes, Courtney slid back down, grabbed him by the wrists and, against his protests, hauled him up to join her. "Just don't slip, all right? It'll be hard enough for me to carry this bucket without having to save your scrawny little neck every few seconds too." She didn't bother waiting for him to answer. The bucket handle over one shoulder, she spider-crawled back up the shingles like she'd done it every day of her life. Ezekiel too had climbed on more than one roof before, but he still found himself following much more slowly.

"Yo-"

"Shush." He shushed, she straddled the roof more carefully and then pointed down the other side. There was Izzy, skittering around on all fours, head low to the ground, apparently tracking some sort of scent. Noah and Eva were hunkered down behind a pair of nearby pool chairs, watching her through slitted eyes.

"Aw, this is gonna be good fun ta watch from up here, eh?"

"Shush."

He shushed. Eva made a signal to Noah and both of them leaped up, screaming, and charged Izzy. Most of Noah's throws were misses, but he did clip her on the ear as she ducked and spun to avoid one of Eva's more killer blows.

"Ya've gotta get her now, Coourtney, or she'll make a break for it."

"Why don't _you_ try to hit her then, if you're so worried?"

Izzy hollered, "I _knew_ it was a conspiracy! But this is war, and _nobody_ bests Izzy at war! You'll never take me alive!" With that final yell she ran straight for the tree cover.

"Hurry up, Fruitcake! She's getting away!"

Noah stumbled after her, panting, clutching his remaining water balloons to his thin chest. "Sports," he grunted, "not my forté, remember?"

At that, Eva stuffed her own balloons into his arms, picked him up, and held him over her head like a surfboard as she chased after Izzy.

"Oh, wonderful." Courtney sat back and puffed upwards. "Now we have to sit here and wait for them to come back."

Ezekiel only looked at her.

"What?"

"Nothin', homes." He started scanning the poolside and then pointed at a bush that was wiggling slightly despite the lack of wind. "That's the place Katie and Sadie were hidin' out this mornin', eh."

"Well, it looks like _they're_ still here, at least." Courtney fished a slingshot from her bucket and set a balloon into the pocket. "Here goes three years of camp counselor practice, I guess."

Katie and Sadie popped out from behind the bush just in time for the latter to get hit directly in the face. She went down spluttering, Katie screamed, and Courtney began to laugh like a maniac.

" _That_ was for the crab apples! Ha ha ha! Oh, revenge feels _so_ good!"

"Yo, that was for leavin' me with my arm stuck in the pool filter, eh!"

Courtney launched another balloon towards Sadie, though it fell short, and the next one smacked Justin in the back of his head. He didn't seem to know where it had come from, however, and accused Tyler of throwing it. It was Ezekiel's balloon that crashed onto Justin's shoulder, overbalancing him and sending him into the pool.

"And _that_ was for the sandwich, homie," he murmured, and flattened himself to the roof alongside Courtney when their fellow ex-campers looked up.

"Ha ha. Oh, I am _feeling_ this now, ha. Who's laughing now, huh? And now for that distracted, clumsy, chicken-hating loser Tyler."

"Uh, Tyla's kinda like my homie, homie. Maybe ya shouldn't-"

Too late. With four more balloon launches, only two of them smacking their intended targets, Tyler and Cody joined Justin in the water. Ezekiel cringed with each hit.

"Tch… Hope that Coody's got 'nough a' his strength back to swim, eh?"

"Oh, who cares about him? This is _fun_! I've been wanting to do this for years!"

It was then that Izzy came running back into view, Eva hard behind, and for some reason the former was the one now holding Noah above her head. Every time Eva launched a balloon her way, Izzy used Noah as a human shield. Which, of course, was something he did not seem to be particularly pleased with, but his fumbled slaps to her face weren't having much effect on the wild girl.

"That was the third time you've run me into a branch. Put me _down_! Hey! Watch where you're hurling those murder weapons, Iron Woman! Oh, this is so not my day."

"Heh heh heh heh heh! Catch me if you can, football fists! Izzy has mad skills!"

"Fruitcake was _my_ meat shield, Loonie-Birdie! Give 'im back!"

Ezekiel and Courtney shared a smirk and readied their throwing arms. Noah ended up taking the brunt of the attack, but Courtney did manage to nail Izzy in the face. Neither of them was sure who had actually hit Eva, but when the muscle-bound girl looked up at them with a face of fury, fists clenched, they didn't bat an eye; they both pointed to each other.

"Homeschool! Chicken! Get your butts down here and fight like men!"

"Chicken?" Courtney looked horrified. "She called me _Chicken_. Me! I was a C.I.T.!"

Ezekiel launched another water balloon in Izzy's general direction. It would have missed its mark entirely if she hadn't deliberately run forward and batted at it with her Noah shield. "Yo, what's that e'en stand for anyway?" he asked absently. "The Coourtney girl Is Tyrannical?"

Even when she was shaking and seething, he couldn't help but be a little impressed by how fast her face could turn purple. "You scrawny, sexist little-"

He very nearly didn't say it, but the words sprang almost unbidden from his tongue. "'Tis Chicken In Trainin', eh?"

"Oh, I swear if we weren't on camera right now… I don't know why I even let you talk me into this stupid alliance in the first place!"

"R-revenge on Harold, 'member? _The Zeke_ always keeps his word, homes."

Courtney's eye gave a twitch. She lowered one of her hands but she was still fuming, and she jabbed Ezekiel's chest with a single finger.

"You had _better_ do everything that I say when the time comes. You got that?"

"Y-yes, ma'am!"

"Woo-hoo! Izzy's ready to join the roof party, hoo-yeah! Hey, I can see my house from here! Well, not my actual house, of course, but I did live in that cave over there once with a few of my grizzly friends back when the RCMP were trying to hunt me down and all- Hey, you two are up here all alone on the roof. Well, not anymore 'cuz I'm here now, heh heh, but hey, did you guys kiss yet? You totally should've kissed by now. I mean, you're both like a pair of evil, socially-challenged, emotionally-withdrawn, scheming-"

Ezekiel looked at Courtney, who looked back at him. As one they took hold of their bucket and dumped what water was inside over Izzy's head.

"And that," Courtney said, smiling with great satisfaction, "was for the aardvark."

After that she didn't seem to really mind helping Ezekiel pelt Izzy, Noah, Sadie, and very occasionally Eva with the last of their ammo. Even when Ezekiel accidentally-on-purpose hit her with one of the water balloons, her only reply was to hit him back. She actually let him live through the day. Though they spent two hot, dusty, claustrophobic hours hiding from Eva beneath the basement stairs, and though Courtney spent all of it complaining about his sweaty hair and bad breath, she let him live through the day. Perhaps she wasn't quite as bad as the others had made her out to be?

"Get your filthy, sweaty elbow off of my shoulder, you scrawny little creep, or I am going to hurt you so badly you'll start wishing Eva had gotten to you instead."

Or… maybe not. But he lay down his head on his folded arms and half-closed his eyes and listened to her mutter threats and twirl her hair around her pointer fingers nonetheless.


	16. Constructive Venting

"Here." Courtney tossed the weapon into his lap and then smacked a fist into her palm. "Take this. We're going hunting."

"Huntin'?" Ezekiel couldn't think of any creature that could be killed with a water gun. "Huntin' what?"

"What else? Harold, of course. You _did_ promise me, remember." She stated that last part as a fact rather than a question. He examined the gun from all angles, scowling thoughtfully at the trigger.

"Well, I just don't get what a little bit a' water's really gonna do to him, eh."

"Who said anything about water?"

Her question brought him pause; Ezekiel flipped open the gun's top and gave the inside a cautious sniff. "… Papaya juice?"

Hearing this, Noah shot a glare at him. "Don't you dare even _touch_ me with that stuff. I get hives like you wouldn't believe."

Courtney gave a sniff. "As if I'd waste any of it on you. _So_ not worth it."

"Gee, Freckles. For an alligator in human skin, you're much too kind." He paused again, lowered his book, and began to rapidly shift his gaze between Ezekiel and Courtney. "Oh," he said first, and then again, "Oh, that is _low_ even for you."

"Up on your feet, Zeke. We have a Harold to track down."

"Yeah… yeah, okay, homes."

"I asked you to call me Courtney."

"Whoa." Noah swung his feet over the side of his chair and started to stand. "Okay, play time's over, you two. Just hand me the-"

Courtney pointed her own juice gun at Noah's face, causing him to freeze. "Back off, Bookworm. Harold is _mine_."

"Um… Sure, but allergies are no laughing matter. Believe me, I have to carry an EpiPen-"

"I said _back off_." Courtney squeezed the trigger of her gun lightly, causing a thin spurt of juice to dribble out by Noah's feet; he sucked in a breath of air and shifted away. "Don't even tempt me. Harold is a traitor and a cheater, and he _deserves_ what's coming to him. Isn't that right, Ezekiel?"

"Yes, Coourtney."

"Come on now, Homeschool. Don't get mixed up in all this. You're better than that."

Ezekiel looked from Courtney to Noah, then drooped his head slightly and shrugged. "Sorry, homes. _The Zeke_ ne'er goes back on his word. Ne'er."

"You can't be serious." Here Noah jabbed a finger in Courtney's direction, albeit from a safe distance. "Dude, you have a peanut allergy. You mean to let _her_ do to Harold what that stuff can do to you?"

"I, uh, well…"

Courtney lowered her gun, scoffing, and said, "So he'll be a little itchy for a few hours. What's the big deal? I already checked with the interns, and they said it isn't serious. It's not like I'm going to kill him or anything. Please. I'm not Heather. I do have morals- After all, I was a C.I.T." She smirked when Noah opened his mouth again. "What, are you going to go and cry to tough, scary Eva and tell her that Courtney is being such a big, bad meanie?" Still pointing the gun at his chest, she reached out to tousle Noah's hair. "Aw, poor little baby."

He slapped her hand away, staring hard in Ezekiel's direction. "Fine then, Freckles. You two go and enjoy your little play-date together. I hope your conscience catches up to you. And Homeschool, I hope you're satisfied with who you've decided to become friends with." Noah scooped up his book, tossed his hair just slightly as he spun around, and marched off in the general direction of Tyler and Eva.

Ezekiel scratched behind his neck. That wasn't very fair, for Noah to assume he'd _chosen_ to befriend Courtney. He'd tried to befriend Noah, and now here Noah was acting like he'd have been his friend had he only asked. Tch.

"Huh. What a sore loser. Hurry up, Ezekiel. We have a traitor to catch, and when I get my hands around his awkward little neck… Well? Are you coming, or are you just going to stand there looking about as intelligent as Lindsay with a dodge ball?"

"Uh, I… I'm comin', homie." The juice gun dangling at his side, Ezekiel slouch-walked after her. They moved through the Playa Des Losers hotel without speaking, almost without breathing, even. Once, when they heard noise around a corner, Courtney put a finger to her lips, he nodded, and they both flattened themselves against the nearest wall.

"Two. Three. And… _now!"_

She sprang out, Ezekiel a quarter of a step behind, and doused the two ex-campers in papaya juice. Katie threw her hands up to cover her face with a cry of alarm, and a screaming Sadie fainted dead away. Or played opossum, anyway.

"… Whoops." Courtney bit her thumbnail, then motioned to Ezekiel. "Quick, let's move out."

"Yeah, whate'er ya say, homes."

The next one to be accidentally squirted was Eva, who charged after them both waving her fists and shouting, "Chicken, you are _dead_ , you hear?" while Noah leaned against a doorframe further up the hall, arms folded, smirking.

"Aw, is the big, bad meanie being chased by tough and scary Eva?" he called as they sprinted past.

"Ooh, I sure hope you like papaya, Bookworm, 'cuz I might be gunning for you next! At least, uh, it wasn't my idea to have you thrown out of the competition, Eva! That was, uh, Bridgette!"

" _What?"_

"Oh, snap- Zeke, _run!"_

"I am runnin', eh!"

Courtney grabbed his wrist and dragged him around the corner and into the nearest open room, which was then double-locked and barred with a chair. Eva pounded on it briefly, yelling something about cliffs and crates and chickens and failed alliances and backstabbing traitors before she finally let them alone.

They leaned against the door, cheeks puffed, laughing anxiously together every time they met eyes, averting gazes, brushing their hair behind their ears, and at last agreed officially to stop jumping around corners after that.

"Come on, come on, Zeke. You're so slow, you know that? Stop dragging your feet- you'll give away our position."

"And all a' your yellin' won't, eh?" he retorted, but softly enough that she couldn't hear him.

After two more hours of 'sneaking' around the hotel, including frequent checks to the poolside, Ezekiel was fully ready to give up. His slouch kept going lower and lower, his gun constantly dragged on the ground, and he had to rub at his eyes and snort occasionally in order to keep himself awake.

"A'right," he said finally, "this just ain't workin' out here, yo." He leaned against a wall, resigning himself to slide down and fall asleep on the floor, but Courtney grabbed hold of his shoulders and shook him hard.

"Oh no you don't. Listen, you scrawny little mongoose- You agreed to help me hunt down Harold, and you aren't getting out of this that easily!"

"Well, I just feel like I was up all night hidin' out from Eva, eh. Hidin' out with ya too, if mem'ry serves right."

"That's beside the point. And anyway, that was only until one in the morning. There were six, seven hours for you to sleep it off."

"Yeah, not for a born-and-bred-farmboy, homes," he muttered, but once again so quiet that he could hardly even hear his own words.

"Chi… Coourtney, homie, I'm _tired. The Zeke's_ been at this for 'bout three hours now, and we ain't caught any sight a' that traitorous Harold. I've a'ready gone and shot Katie and Sadie and been chased by Eva, and I'm gettin' sick a' all this walkin', eh."

"You're a disgrace, you know that? Come on, don't be such a wimp. He's close. I can… I can smell his nerdy shampoo. The hairs on my neck are tingling. Now come on." Eyes dancing (Was it the first time he ever noticed they were brown?), Courtney leaned closer to him, effectively pinning him up against the wall. "And if you don't, then I suppose our little papaya-themed Harold hunt will have to become a little peanut-themed Ezekiel hunt, won't it? Get the picture?"

He swallowed as her nose nearly bumped up against his own. "Y-yeah, homes. I do."

"Courtney."

"Coourtney." With a resigned sigh, Ezekiel shouldered his juice gun and followed her, but they didn't get far. The next hall took them past six bedrooms for campers, and Courtney paused outside her own door. Her face twisted with mild embarrassment.

"I… really need to use the restroom. Wait here, Zeke. And don't even _think_ about going anywhere. I know all about your silly little hiding spots behind the couch and under the stairs and on top of the fridge."

"Yes, ma'am. I'll watch your, uh… back?"

No sooner had Courtney shut the door behind her then a vaguely familiar voice hissed, " _Psst_ , hey. Hey, Zeke."

It couldn't possibly be Noah, but Ezekiel brandished the juice gun anyway. "Yo, _The Zeke_ 's got himself a loaded weapon here, eh, and he ain't 'fraid a' usin' it."

" _Gosh_ Zeke, it's me."

"… Harold?"

"Remember back on the island, first day, you and I pushing crates side by side, making jokes like good friends? And how I let you borrow my favorite hairbrush? And use my toothpaste? And eat the other half of my chocolate bar?"

Ezekiel glanced from left to right, not seeing anything, not trusting anything, then lowered his gun. "Where are ya, homes? You turn invisible or somethin'?"

"Up here. On top of the grate thing."

There he was- Ezekiel could see him now. Harold's thin face and green-glassed eyes peered back from behind the mesh-like vent cover.

"Heh. That's funny. How'd ya get up there in the celin', homie?"

"What can I say? I've got mad skills." Harold twirled a screwdriver in his fingers, beaming proudly.

"Huh. 'Tis like you're wearin' a dusty tuxedo, and your hair's all kinda messed up too, eh. How long've ya been hidin' up there?"

"Since I overheard Courtney saying she wanted to strangle me, but that doesn't matter right now, Zeke. The point is, I fell down this chute thing and now I can't get out the same way I got in. All the vent covers are screwed in from the outside, so I'm locked in here for good until someone comes to my rescue. You're a nice guy, Zeke. Help a fellow out?"

Ezekiel eyed him suspiciously, rubbing his thumb along the gun's handle. "I dunno 'bout that, homes. You're a traitor, eh."

" _Gosh_! Has Courtney brainwashed you already? She's only been here for, what, a day now? A day and a half? Going on two? Please, man. I'm _starving_ up here. I know you're a good guy."

" _The Zeke_ 's kinda s'posed a' shoot you down, homie. Nothin' personal, 'course." Ezekiel hefted the juice pistol. He cocked it. Aimed.

Hesitated. As Noah's earlier words echoed in his head, he lowered the weapon again. Harold folded his arms, watching.

"Can't quite bring yourself to hurt a poor honest guy in trouble, huh?"

"Well, I just… I sorta… I mean, that Coourtney girl… I'm kinda s'posed… _The Zeke_ can't go back on his word and… Oh… oh, a'right, homes. Ya got me." He pointed down the hall. "I think I might've seen another vent cover down somewhere that way and, uh, maybe to the left, eh. I'll see if I can shake the Coourtney girl, take out those screws, and getcha outta there."

"You sure you won't rat me out? I mean, I only have the one screwdriver, and I'm not really sure I want to be giving it to someone who could go and backstab me."

Ezekiel heaved his shoulders in an awkward shrug. "Y'know, thinkin' back on it… _The Zeke_ promised that he'd, uh, 'do somethin' a' that traitorous Harold', but I don't think I e'er said that I'd hurt ya, homes. Technically, gettin' ya outta those vents counts as doin' somethin' a' ya, eh?"

"Heh. Thanks, Z-Man. You're the best."

" _The Zeke_ 's still thinkin' that ya might be a kinda traitor, but… Yeah, okay, he can share a hand with ya, homes." Ezekiel heard the sound of water running in the room behind him and held out his hands towards Harold for the screwdriver; he grimaced as it bounced sharp-edge down against his palm. As the door opened and Courtney stepped out, he stuffed the screwdriver up his left sleeve.

"Well, I'm glad to see that _you're_ still here, at least. I can't find that sneaky traitor anywhere. Oh, he's good all right. Good at making me _furious_!"

"Think we should try splittin' up? Might be able a' cover s'more ground that way, eh."

She wanted to protest- he could see it in her eyes. Her drooping, heavily-lidded, tired eyes. Then she shook herself, straightened a bit, and muttered, "Oh, all right then. But remember, _I_ am a C.I.T."

"Yes, ma'am," he answered, giving her a thumbs up. "Word."

"If you find Harold then shoot him into submission and yell for me so I can finish him off. I'll be there in a flash."

"Uh… and by finish him off, ya don't mean-"

"Hello? I have morals, remember. Of course I'm not going to murder that scrawny jerk, but a bit of pushing around is fair game." With that, Courtney stormed off up the hallway. She took a right around the corner rather than going left the way they had come, and she was gone.

"That was a close one there, homes," Ezekiel muttered to no one in particular. "Nearly would a' had a' give her my word again there, eh." He dabbed at his forehead with the end of his sleeve and scurried off in the other direction.

"Vent, vent, vent… Still lookin' for that vent… Aw, _The Zeke_ is so gonna be a buried man if she catches him doin' this. Oh, there 'tis, right where I thought'd be, eh." After double checking to be sure the hallway was empty, Ezekiel knelt beside the low wall vent. "Yo, Harold dawg? Ya in there still?"

There was a loud thump, then a metallic crash, and Harold slammed into the ground on the other side of the grate. " _Idiot_. Zeke, you'd better be able to get that cover off, 'cuz I won't be going back that way any time soon. Oh, my arm…"

A door opened somewhere down another hall; Ezekiel glanced nervously over his shoulder, then wedged the flat end of the screwdriver into place and began twisting. "Aw, ya owe me one for all this, ya knob. If Coourtney shows up and finds me doin' this, well… We gotta make sure she don't find me doin' this."

Harold's stomach gurgled. He groaned softly and began to furiously rub at his auburn hair. "Gosh, I itch like you wouldn't believe, man. All cobwebs and dust and grimy smears that looked suspiciously like oil… the fans were the worst though, and if it weren't for my ninja skills I would've fallen down a chute and landed on one. Bam! One Harold burrito. Or maybe one Harold banana. Or one Harold rice dish. Gosh, what foods are there that would be sliced up like that? Now my metaphor is a swimming pigeon, dang it- it doesn't even make sense anymore."

The second screw was out. It _ping_ ed slightly against the floor, and Ezekiel started on the third.

"She's been bossing you around since she got here, huh, Zeke?"

"Tch. Bossy is right, homes. 'Least with Eva I know what a' 'spect, but that Coourtney girl confuses me to ends, eh. First it's all plannin' somethin' with water balloons, next thing ya know she wants a' blast ya in the face with papaya juice."

"Papaya? _Idiot!_ " Harold sneezed once, wrapped his arms around his knees, and curled up even tighter in his cramped prison. "Geez, the juice alone gives me hives."

"'Tis what Noah said too," Ezekiel told him absently. "Oh, and Coourtney did say papaya weren't near so serious as some a' the allergies she could a' come after ya with, eh." He popped out the third screw and wrenched at the cover of the grate. It screeched and twisted but held firm, so he resigned himself to working on the last screw.

"I suppose that's true. I mean, among others there's cauliflower, almonds, red pepper sauce, watermelon, that silly string stuff that comes in a can, coffee beans, walnuts, and probably worst of all, _Gummi-Slugs_."

"Hold up, homes- Didja just say Gummi-Slugs?"

Harold shivered. "Yeah, you heard me plain and clear. Gummi-Bears I can handle in small doses, and Gummi-Worms are fair game too, but Gummi-Slugs? Forget it. I tried them once when I was twelve and the docs told me I would never walk again. It got better, of course- I'm a survivor. There's some real crazy stuff out in this world, huh?"

The final screw popped out of place. Ezekiel tore the cover from the vent and Harold scrambled through it, leaving grimy tracks on the carpet and coughing up a storm.

"Thanks for that, man," he wheezed out, "and I hate to ask so soon after you just risked your neck for me and all, but… d'ya think that you could whip me up a sandwich? I'm _starved."_

Ezekiel rubbed behind his hat and sighed through his nose.


	17. To Stab the Messenger

He'd been awake when the boat pulled into the dock that morning, but she was not- and for that matter, neither was anyone else. This had turned out to be quite unfortunate for him, because it meant that he had been assigned to wake-up duty automatically.

Ezekiel valued his life, and so he started off with light taps on her door. "Er… Wake up in there, homie. 'Tis long past six, eh. Whatcha still sleepin' in there for?" He pressed his ear to the wood, crossing his fingers and silently willing her to grunt in response. Nothing.

"Y'know, you're really s'posed a' be down there at the dock in ten minutes or so, eh. Ya don't wanna be late. Please, homes." Ezekiel flashed back to his farm days when his four-year-old cousin Miriam had once sought him out for comfort after she'd heard scary noises outside her window and had nightmares. It had been the wind and leaves, but they had woken her. Now here he was, facing his own nightmare, while he'd give anything for _this_ girl to be a light sleeper. He turned to pounding.

"Yo! Wake up in there a'ready, eh! Don't make me come in there and drag ya outta bed!"

An idle threat, of course. Two rooms down a muffled voice called, "Keep it down out there, Zed!" and someone from across the hall added, "Yeah, Homeschool- shut up already or I'll tear out your tongue."

Ezekiel listened again and heard only snores from the other side of the door. He kicked the baseboards once, twice, and then a final and third time. She slept on.

"Aw man, this ain't right. _The Zeke_ ain't goin' in there. She's a _girl_ , and she'll _kill_ me, eh. She's sure a' kill anyone who steps in there, 'cept maybe that crazy Izzy girl."

So now he had to decide which was the lesser of two evils.

"Well, _The Zeke_ ain't wakin' up that crazy Izzy girl neither, so… Aw, _shoot_. Knobs." Ezekiel hesitated, then opened the door very, very carefully and poked his head inside. "Yo, yo, dog. Homie?"

He received no response, but she did turn over slightly in her sleep, so maybe he was getting through to her.

"Homie? Homes? C'mon dog, wake up 'fore I end up doin' somethin' we're both gonna end up regrettin'. Like throwin' my boots at ya from this side a' the room so I'll have me the chance to bolt when ya start snarlin' like a coyote or somethin', eh?"

Still nothing. Ezekiel squished his sticky palms together and turned his eyes skyward. "Ooh please, ooh please, ooh please. I swear I'll ne'er say anythin' bad 'bout Aunt Lily's tofu patties again. I'll ne'er tease Noah 'bout crayfish or dresses. I won't fight with Justin anymore, e'en if _does_ try starin' at his 'flection in my shades, eh? I swear I'll 'pologize to Katie 'bout dumpin' milk on her head when she and I were fightin' o'er that carton a couple a' weeks ago and I'll e'en share some a' my cookies with Coody. I swear I won't tease Tyla 'bout his fear a' chickens. I'll tell Beth that girls can twirl batons better'n us guys can and I'll forgive Sadie for leavin' me stuck in the pool filter, eh. I'll e'en be nice a' Coourtney and keep callin' Harold a traitor in order a' make her happy. I'll ne'er, e'er go back on my word, e'er, and I'll e'en stop sayin' that guys are so much stronger than girls, e'en if they are. Anythin', anythin'- Just _please_ don't let Eva murder me, eh?"

He'd done his best. Drawing in a deep breath, Ezekiel pushed the door open and flicked on the lights. Eva grunted in response and shifted among her blankets again, but she still seemed to be asleep.

"I'm real sorry 'bout this, homes. Whate'er ya do, _please_ just don't stab the messe'ger, eh?" Eva's many, many socks littered the floor; Ezekiel scooped up a few of them and began launching them at her from across the room. It took seventeen socks to the face before she finally woke up. She was angry, of course, though she seemed to be mostly confused. After she'd tackled him to the ground and then pinned him up against the wall, and once he'd stammered out the reason for his intrusion, Eva finally showed her softer side: She forgave him.

"But don't you _ever_ do it again, you hear?"

"Y-yes ma'am! Word!"

Now Ezekiel loped down the dock after her, a bag of Eva's favorite barbells thrown over one shoulder. A burlap sack of clothes filled her own arms, and as they reached the unfamiliar ship she tossed it over the side.

"It's funny, but I never thought I'd actually be glad to be boarding one of Chris's dumb tugboats," she remarked to Ezekiel over her shoulder, and then stopped short. "… What?"

"Nothin', homes, it's just… You're smilin'."

"Guess so," she said, smiling just a little bit more. "'Course, under the circumstances, t'would be stranger not to."

Ezekiel passed her the barbells, then lifted up on his toes and craned his neck in the hopes of getting a slightly better view of the boat's insides. "Y'know dog, ya can say a whole lotta stuff 'bout Chris and all, but he seems a' be real good at keepin' his word, eh. When he said he was gonna reward the winner a' that trivia contest with a wonderful prize, well… _The Zeke_ 's gotta give him two thumbs up for all a' that, yo."

"Yeah, you've got that right, Homeschool, so _maybe_ I won't punch that pretty-boy face of his the very instant I get back. But no promises."

"And, uh, speakin' a' promises, homie, ya gotta promise _The Zeke_ that you'll win that whole competish. We'll all be rootin' for ya, eh."

Eva seemed to be rather taken aback by this. She asked, "You will?" and then more suspiciously, "Why?"

Tugging on his toque, he shrugged. "Well, I just think that ya deserve it s'all. 'Side from the fact that you're kinda our friend, or 'least our non-enemy, you're also the strongest, bravest, toughest, meanest girl that I've e'er met, and if _The Zeke_ was gonna bet money on the winner a' the show, he'd pick ya palms out, eh."

"Did you just call me mean right to my face?" she asked him, dipping into a snarl of scowl.

"Uh, well…"

Eva folded her arms and cocked up one brow, nearly smiling again. Not quite, but nearly. "So ya've got some guts in ya after all, Homeschool. I've been wondering. Sure, they're kinda deep down in there, but ya've got 'em none the less. That's good. That's good. Well, I suppose I can respect a guy who insults me, _especially_ considering how many times I've come close to tearing him limb from limb."

"Well, ya _are_ kinda mean, homes," he replied, chuckling, and cut off abruptly as her eyes went narrow and her fists began to tremble.

"I'll… let that one slide."

Josh poked his head from one of the windows. "Hey! Eva! We're on a bit of a schedule here. You gonna be boarding or not?"

"I'll board the dumb ship when I freaking _feel_ like it, pussycat!" she shouted back, and chortled softly when she saw his face blanch. "Ya see that, Homeschool? The strongest, bravest, toughest, meanest girl you know just shut up one of Chris's crew. Again. Aw man, I cannot _wait_ to be back at that camp. Not only will I win this, I'm going to be taking revenge on some of those backstabbing, low-life teammates of ours who voted me off."

Ezekiel smiled and nodded, not daring to say anything else. For a moment Eva stared at him. Then she suddenly reached out and ruffled his toque. "Yeah, you take care now, Homeschool. Don't let yourself get beaten up or nothing, 'cuz if you do then I'm gonna pluck out your eyelashes, tear off your fingernails-"

"-break my limbs and stuff my remains in a woodchippa, eh," he finished, smiling, and took a few cautious steps away as she raised her eyebrow a second time. "I remember, homie."

"Good. And if either Fruitcake or Chicken start picking on ya, just tell 'em that I'll kick their butts after I win. I swear, as soon as I leave this place everyone here is gonna start tearing at each other's throats like a pack of starving hyenas." Eva paused and took a moment to tap her chin. "And to keep it fair, if _you_ start pickin' on the new girl or Red Herring or Fruitcake or anyone else, then I'll just kick _your_ butt."

"Nope, nope, ya won't need a' kick my butt, or anyone else's butt eitha, 'cuz _The Zeke_ is gonna be keepin' e'eryone under control here, yo. Word."

"Oh really? And how exactly do you plan to manage that?"

"Yeah, well… _The Zeke_ 's still kinda workin' on that part," he admitted, scratching the back of his neck, "but there ain't gonna be any butt kickin' or nothin'. Think I'll get Katie a' help me out with some more a' those challenges, eh."

"You do realize that no one likes those dumb games of yours, right?"

" _I_ like 'em," he told her saltily.

"Oh, whatever. They aren't gonna be my problem anymore." Suddenly Eva was grinning broadly. "Heh. Now that I'm going back, _nothing_ in this dumb junkyard is gonna be my problem anymore!"

Josh poked his head out again and started to clear his throat, though he beat a hasty retreat when Eva shot him a look that seemed rather harsh to Ezekiel despite the fact that she was still smiling.

"Well, uh, good luck out there, homie."

"You too, Homeschool. Take care of yourself."

He smiled, thin and grim. "Yeah, okay. And I meant what I said 'afore, eh. We're all gonna be rootin' for ya. 'Least _The Zeke_ 's gonna be rootin' for ya."

"You know, Homeschool… you're a good guy. Maybe when I'm rich I'll invite you, the new girl, Feathers, Fruitcake, Pretty Boy, and Red all up to my mansion for the occasional pool party or something."

"To tell ya the truth, homes, I think I'm gettin' kinda sick a' pools, eh."

"Yeah," Eva agreed, starting to crack out, "so am I." She gave him one final punch in the shoulder, a friendly punch that still sent him stumbling, and then leaped over the side of the small white ship. "Catch ya later, Homeschool. I got a hundred thousand dollars to win and a couple of backstabbing low-life traitors to get even with."

"Good luck, homie!" He waved at her until the ship chugged out of sight around the island, and then he waved a little bit more. He was up on his toes, tick-tocking his left arm back and forth above him, when a voice behind him suddenly said, "Okay… What exactly are you doing out here at seven in the morning?"

Ezekiel started and whirled around, not surprised that Noah was the one to make such a comment but rather surprised that Noah was up and about so 'early' in the day. "Oh, uh… nothin' much, yo. Just seein' off Eva as she heads back into the competish and all." Noah blinked, so he hastened to explain himself. "'Member back when we had that trivia contest-"

"The one that I should have won? Yeah, I remember, and Chris said the winner would receive a wonderful prize. Are you telling me that Chris just showed up now to bring her back into the game? Seriously?"

"Well, that's what the interns were all sayin', eh. And they seemed pretty serious 'bout it all-"

"And they took Eva with them? So she won't be throwing things at my head or calling me Fruitcake or… any of that?"

"Guess not, eh. Ah. No more threats a' rip out my eyelashes or my fingernails when I so much as stand too close a' her."

Noah seemed satisfied, but then he looked out over the waves and his expression turned more distant. After a moment he shrugged. "Well, whatever then. It's not like I would've wanted to go back to that camp filled with psychos anyway, _and_ I still got a box of donuts out of it, so I win."

"Yo, _The Zeke_ 's been kickin' it here for three, four weeks now, dawg. T'would a' been nice a' be able a' skip all those other challenges, then jump in partway through the game and win it all, eh."

"You'd be the first one booted off again. Everyone will have made friends with each other by now; they wouldn't throw out someone they know and love when they could get rid of you. Or her, for that matter." Sighing slightly and shaking his head, Noah started walking back along the dock. "Mark my words, Homeschool. Eva will be back here before we know it, and when she does come back she's going to be seriously _ticked_. I think I'm going to raid the kitchen for a few more cans to stock my bomb shelter with, so if you'll excuse me…"

Ezekiel shared the story with his fellow ex-campers over the course of the day, including Katie twice on accident. It was when he was starting on his third telling of it that Tyler put a hand on his shoulder and made him jump.

"Izzy's gone."

"Huh?"

Murmurs broke out around the pool, and even Noah looked slightly disturbed by this news. He put down his cinnamon roll and said, "What entirely do you mean by 'Izzy's gone'?"

"Just what I said, man." Tyler shrugged helplessly, knocking Sadie's soda into her lap as he did. "When she wasn't staring in through our windows this morning or throwing pretzels and jellybeans by noon, Harold and I started to get a little worried, y'know? We searched the inside of the hotel for awhile and then when we came out Harold found tracks leading off into the forest. _Izzy_ tracks."

"They're nearly eleven hours old," Harold chimed in, "As someone who's earned his tracking badge in Muskrat Boys six times, I can assure you-"

"You mean Izzy's out there in the woods on her own?" Katie drew her legs up close and looked around uneasily. "What if she, like, is walking around and then she gets mauled by a bear just like Cody was, and no one ever finds out and then she dies all alone?"

Everyone was silent. Then they all began to laugh.

"Honestly," Tyler admitted, wiping at his eyes, "I'm more worried 'bout what she might be doing to Chris so that he'll let her back in the competition than the fact that she went running into the woods alone at night. Izzy can take care of herself."

"Who really cares?" Noah gave a shrug to imply that he didn't. "Chris won't allow _her_ back into the game, and she isn't our problem anymore."

Sadie began to giggle. "You make her sound like she isn't even human."

That got all of them laughing again, and once they had finally calmed down they started swapping Izzy stories, each one of them trying to top the last. Beth won with her tale about how she'd caught Izzy, Justin, Noah, Ezekiel, and Eva engaged in a deadly free-for-all food-fight by the pool in the middle of the night, but only because there had been plenty of witnesses to the event and no one else's story could actually be proved.

No Eva and no Izzy. Ezekiel spent a very relaxing day out by the pool, and though most of the others turned in early that night he, Tyler, Beth, and Cody stayed up to watch the Boat of Losers pull into the dock.

"Oh… oh dear." Beth began chewing on her thumbnail. "Well, um… that's a pretty nice hat she brought with her, I guess?"

"Holy cow! They've got her in a straitjacket, dude!"

Ezekiel cringed a bit as he listened to her rant. "Aw man, Noah was right, the knob."

For a few more seconds they stood there far up the dock, hidden among the shadows, watching the interns on the tugboat argue over when and where they should remove Eva's straitjacket, while she thrashed around on the ground spitting like a rabid dog. Cody summed the scene up in two little words.

"Oh snap," and then he added, "Guys, _run_!"


	18. Heads Up, One-Up

"Ya really don't look so good, homie."

"Oh, you think? I'm trapped in a cage with a raging psycho whose main goal for the day is to smash my head in. I have a bruise on my cheek, two more on my shoulder, five on my legs, I sliced up my hand when I fell against the fence, so now I'm also bleeding, and I 'Don't look so good'?"

"It's just tennis, yo."

Maybe sports weren't Noah's flambé, but years of playing video games had obviously blessed him with lightning-fast reflexes. He spun away from one tennis ball and then sprang left to avoid another, slamming his shoulder against the chain-link fence as he did so. Ezekiel rubbed his own arm in silent sympathy.

"I thought that maybe I could get her to calm down a bit if I tried talking to her while she was doing something that she liked," Noah confessed. His racquet came slicing upward, narrowly saving his face from another brutal impact, and the ball went bouncing towards the corner. "Admittedly not one of the ideas I want scribbled in the record book."

"You're tellin' me, homes."

A ragged ball clipped him over the ear. Noah winced and muttered something insulting about sports under his breath, then threw a pleading look to Ezekiel over his shoulder. "Back me up here, Homeschool. We can tag-team this."

Ezekiel watched Eva launch another flurry of tennis balls at Noah. He clasped his hands behind his back and began to rock back and forth on his feet. "I dunno, homie. Ya look like you're havin' so much fun, eh."

A high-pitched squeal escaped Noah's lips as he threw himself to the ground with his hands over his ears. His fingers were clutched on the racquet so tightly that his knuckles had started to turn white. Ezekiel flinched hard as the ball ricocheted off the fence just in front of his face. "Tch…"

"Second floor, left-hand side, Room 2H. Under my pillow you'll find a chocolate bar and a bag of Gummi-Worms. They're yours if you'll just get me out of this deathtrap and play nice with Eva for awhile- just until she cools off."

She stood barefoot on the hot court ground, breathing in an unnecessarily-heavy way. There was a strange hat on her head- something that was furry and purple and that Ezekiel had caught her wearing with a matching pair of suspiciously-realistic boots.

"Until she cools off? Ya mean, until she calms down? Yo, ya know as well as I do that I could be waitin' here for days, eh."

A tennis ball caught Noah in the mouth as he started to sit up. His eyes went wide, he gagged a few times, and in the time it took him to recover, Eva pummeled him with more. When he finally crawled back to the fence there were legitimate tears starting to spark in the corners of his eyes. "Will you take an 'I owe you a box of donuts when this is all over'?"

"Make it two and we've got a deal, homes." Ezekiel pushed open the gate to the tennis court, ducked a ball that Eva had aimed deliberately at his head, and took hold of the racquet as Noah shoved it into his chest; the bookworm was gone a split-second later.

" _The Zeke_ ain't really one for beatin' up a bush now, so if ya-"

She knocked off his hat with her first try. She actually hit it dead center.

Suddenly Ezekiel was a lot more worried.

"Uh… Uh… Aw, shoot!" He sprang away, swatting at the tennis ball, but even after a long morning of tormenting Noah, Eva's basket was still relatively full. She simply snatched up another ball, launched it into the air, and smashed it with her racquet as hard as she possibly could. Which, being Eva, was quite a lot.

"Backstabbing-"

 _Smack!_

"Youch!"

"-low-life-"

 _Smack!_

"Hey!"

"-traitors!"

 _Smack!_

"Eva, stop! It's me! _The Zeke!_ "

It was pure luck rather than skill that deflected that last ball, which soared over the net and knocked off Eva's own hat. That got her attention real fast.

"Hey!"

"Uh- No, wait- I mean-"

 _Smack!_

He raised his racquet to defend himself a second too late. The ball struck his cheek and sent him to the ground sprawling and dizzy.

"Uh… W-we can talk this out o'er crayfish or somethin', eh?"

" _Shut up_ , Homeschool! No one likes you!"

"This ain't worth only two boxes a' donuts, yo," Ezekiel muttered. But despite the fact that Eva had a way of terrifying him like no one else could, she was his friend (Kinda), and he did like her well enough, in a sort of siblingish way, and so he drew himself back up to his full, unimpressive height and held the tennis racquet out in front of his face. "C'mon now. Where's the Eva that said she couldn't wait a' be headin' back into the competish, eh?"

"I believe you're talking" - _Smack!_ \- "about the Eva that just put up with" - _Smack!_ \- "the most ridiculous ideas of torture, if you could even call it that, an ape with an attitude problem" - _Smack!_ \- "psychotic Izzy (who, might I add, did not even win a dumb trivia contest)" - _Smack!_ \- "Chris's dumb pretty-boy face, a few backstabbing, low-life traitors who don't deserve to get so far in the competition" - _Smack!_ \- "while I was stuck in this place with you and Fruitcake and all the other dumb… dumb…" She had run out of tennis balls. Momentarily distracted from her rant, she started to pick them up again. Finally she muttered, "Aw, forget this," and simply sat on the ground in a huff.

"So… uh…" Ezekiel flicked his gaze at her racquet, then sat down beside her. Not _beside_ her, technically, since the tennis net was dividing them, but close enough for them to have a simple conversation with one another without giving her a real opportunity to strangle him- always a welcome bonus, that. "Maybe ya should tell _The Zeke_ 'bout what happened back there, eh? C'mon. Tell me what you're feelin' all mixed up inside ya.

Eva's shoulders slumped. She traced a triangle on the ground. "Just… a buncha dumb tortures. Another of Chris's dumb ideas."

He started to relax. So long as he could keep her talking she would probably forget about murdering him with tennis balls. "Yo, what kinda tortures?"

"Just dumb ones. Snakes and music and birds and ice cream and turtles and bees and all sorts of _dumb_ tortures." Eva threw her hands into the air. "Sure, I dared Sister Thunder Thighs to take that last challenge, but I was unfairly kicked out! And then they eliminated me! Me!" In her rage she snatched up the nearest tennis ball and launched it into the air. Ezekiel craned his head back to watch it, and it came down directly on his eye.

" _Oww!"_

Since he was covering his injured eye he did not see Eva's reaction, but he did hear her draw in a quick breath through her teeth.

"Well, uh… That's prob'ly gonna give you a black eye. Or at least a shiny bruise."

"Thank you," he grumbled back, and for a long moment there was quiet. Then, "So, uh, was this kinda thing one a' Chris's dumb tortures?"

"Nah, but it probably should've been." When he finally looked at her she cocked a brow. "You look worse than most of those dumb losers did even _after_ they went through with their dumb tortures. Not Birdie though- she's a loony. Beat herself up real bad and all, but that blondie girl, yeesh… Guess I'll have to call her Goldilocks or something. Anyway, she actually refused to shave her dumb head. Can ya believe that, Homeschool? Dumb Goldilocks refused to chop off a bit of her dumb hair for a hundred thousand dollars."

"Well, I just think that girls are real sensitive when it comes down a' their hair, eh."

"What?" she asked, narrowing her eyes, and he narrowed his back at her. Well, the uninjured one, at least- the slightly swelling one was still covered by his other hand.

" _The Zeke_ likes his hair too, homes, but he wouldn't a' hesitated when there was that much money on the line."

"And here we go again- guys are _so_ much stronger than the girls are, aren't they?"

"'Least when it comes down a' our skin and hair, yo!" They were jabbing fingers into the tennis net at each other now.

" _Excuse me_ , Homeschool? You don't think _Fruitcake_ would hesitate? Or Bandages? Red? _Pretty Boy_? You cannot honestly tell me dumb _Pretty Boy_ wouldn't hesitate to snip off that hair of his. Guys are just as dumb as girls when it comes down to their dumb hair too, and I really shouldn't have to remind you that dumb Pretty Boy is one of the _guys_."

"Tch- Well, I just think ya should be glad a' that, homie, 'cuz ya'd be heartbroken if ya couldn't be makin' goo-ga eyes at him all day, eh."

Eva lunged over the tennis net, Ezekiel screamed, and they didn't stop arguing the entire time she carried him back to Playa Des Losers over her shoulder. Upon arrival she threw him on the ground, placed a foot on top of his stomach, and pointed down at his slightly swollen face.

"Homeschool here has challenged me to a vicious contest," she announced.

"Yo, I ne'er said anythin' 'bout any- _Oww!_ "

"And since I just got unfairly kicked out of one over on the other half of this dumb island, we will be participating in a game of dares." Her finger started moving from one startled ex-camper to the next. "Each of you pussycats will take turns daring me and Homeschool here to do dumb torture stuff like what dumb Chris tried to get us to do, and the first one to refuse a dumb torture will lose." Here she pointed to a very unimpressed Noah. "And, as the third one to be eliminated, Fruitcake can go first."

Noah continued to look unimpressed for about four more seconds. Then, very suddenly, he put down his book and smiled.

" _Excellent_ ," was the first word, and after he dropped his right fist into his left palm, "Revenge," was the second.

…

"No, no, and no again! I would rather be hit by a dumb bus, I would rather fall into a pit of dumb fire ants, I would rather have my dumb fingernails torn out one by one, I would rather coat myself in honey and smash a dumb beehive than put on _that_!"

Ezekiel, who had been rubbing his eye with an ice pack, was feeling much the same way once Sadie showed him the puffy, satin, ribboned, ruffled, sequined monstrosity they expected him to wear. He cringed away from it, holding up his hands in slight surrender and whining, "Aw, c'mon dog! _The Zeke_ don't care 'bout losin' some contest! Honest!"

"Yes!" Sadie high-fived Katie with her free hand, grinning wildly. "Girls, like, so totally rule!"

"Totally!"

Ezekiel glanced to his right. Noah's arms were crossed and he was shaking his head, _tut-tutting_ in disapproval while behind him Tyler, Cody, Harold, and even Justin cringed in silent sympathy. He then looked to his left, where Courtney and Eva were engaged in a vicious shouting match that involved comments such as, "You can't just declare something like that, give up before the challenge even begins, and let a scrawny, sexist _guy_ beat you! For shame, Eva!" and "Shut up, Chicken!" and "I was a C.I.T.!"

Girls were so weird.

"Tch. Fine," he muttered, and held out his arms. " _The Zeke_ 'll wear the dumb dress, but he ain't gonna like it or nothin', eh." Sadie handed it to him, he held it at arms' length, and then with a groan he pulled it over his head. He made an odd sight with the sleeves of his hoody, jeans, and boots showing, not to mention his toque too. Both Katie and Sadie clasped their hands and began to coo.

"Aw, he's such a sweetheart, taking one for the guy's team like that."

"He's like a total push-over. But in a really, really sweet way."

Ezekiel hunched his shoulders and glanced again at Noah, unintentionally copying the other boy's posture by folding his arms defensively across his chest. Yo, yo, dawg- If _The Zeke_ weren't such a mature, 'strained, nicey-nice gentleguy, he'd be thinkin' bout shovin' ya into the pool right now, eh."

"Nonsense," Noah chortled, "You look quite pretty in pink."

He shivered and picked at one of the sequins on his side. " _The Zeke_ was afraid ya'd say somethin' like that. Well, I just don't think we'll be sayin' the same for Eva anytime soon."

Beth tugged at her shirttail. "She does seem to be pretty against it- I don't know why. I think she'd look really nice in that dress. Do you think she's even going to put it on at all?"

Ezekiel nodded, and ten minutes later he was proved right. Eva's hair was out of place, her face was flushed, and she had already thrown Courtney in the pool, but she _was_ actually wearing the dress. When Ezekiel opened his mouth to comment on it, she glared him into submission.

"I feel dumb," she muttered, "and feminine."

"Yeah, me too, homes."

"I hope you're happy."

"When _The Zeke_ wins himself this contest, he will be, eh."

She thrust her fist into his face, causing him to flinch on instinct. "Don't start with me, Homeschool. I'd hate to smear blood and guts all over your dumb dress. Never used it, but dry cleanin's prob'ly expensive."

"Y-yes, ma'am."

Neither one of them was happy when Noah told them that they would have to wear their dresses for the remainder of the challenge. Eva nearly smacked him, but when Ezekiel pointed out how he himself was still being a "mature, 'strained, nicey-nice gentleguy", she decided to smack him instead.

Justin, having been the fourth one eliminated, chose the next challenge to be a pepper-eating contest. Ezekiel lost that one, but since he had accepted the dare and lasted for several minutes, the others decided that he was technically still in the contest. They were having too much fun to let him off the hook.

The same was true for Katie's suggestion: eating an entire snow-cone in under three minutes. Since both Eva and Ezekiel got massive brain-freezes for it, it was safe to say that neither of them had really won.

Tyler had them cooking spaghetti and Cody made them climb trees in their heavy dresses (Ezekiel beat Eva in those last two). Beth's challenge turned out to be surprisingly cruel, but even five minutes into it Ezekiel still refused to back out.

"Heh heh heh, s-stop that! Heh, heh… _The Zeke_ ain't ticklish, eh! Stop it! Heh heh! A-ain't funny! Heh! P-please, homes! Heh, heh, heh! S-stop that! Heh!"

"Come on!" Courtney shouted, balling her fists, "Just eliminate him already! We all know that he lost!"

But Eva wouldn't let them do that; she was grinning as she tickled his kicking feet. "Nah, Homeschool's been takin' all this like a real man. I wanna see how far he'll go 'fore he finally breaks."

"Heh heh! Give it up a'ready, homes! S-stop it! Heh heh!"

So Sadie pitched them against one another in a full-on tomato fight and Courtney had them arm wrestle. The latter's first idea had been for them to crawl through the ventilation shafts in the hotel, but for some reason unknown to anyone besides Ezekiel, Harold was vehemently opposed to this. He then took off running when Courtney realized who she was talking to; she pursued him for quite awhile screaming "Traitor!" at the top of her lungs.

The contest wore well on into the night. Ezekiel was thoroughly coated in sweat, mud, butter, pencil shavings, tomato sauce, grass clippings, vinegar, wisps of cotton, and chicken soup. Eva had pine sap, spaghetti noodles, and bits of poppy-seed muffin stuck in her hair as well as a streak of soot across her front and a heavy dusting of flour on her cheeks. Both their dresses had become rather torn at the hems. It was Tyler who challenged them to greet their newest arrival like this. Needless to say, Trent was quite taken aback when the pair of them showed up and offered to carry his backpack and guitar.

"Oh man. First Heather tricks me into kissing her, then I'm betrayed by all my friends, and now _this_? Am I trapped in some sort of freakish nightmare? I must have hit my head harder than I thought." He put a hand to his forehead and squinted. "… Ezekiel? That you under there?"

"Don't ask, homes," was his vague reply, and Eva grunted, "Shut up already and hand me the dumb instrument."

Trent shook his head in bewilderment and let her take his guitar, then passed his backpack off to Ezekiel; the smaller boy gave a yelp as it hit him in the chest, and then his toes when the pack turned out to be heavier than he'd expected.

"Yo, whatcha got stashed in here, eh? Cement?"

The musician scratched the back of his neck, then shrugged. "Could be. It was feeling a little heavier than normal, and I wouldn't really be surprised if either Heather or Leshawna stuffed a few bricks in there."

Ezekiel needed no further encouragement to search the pack, and fifteen seconds later he came up with a shiny silver toaster. He held it out towards Trent, silently asking the question with his quirked eyebrows, though he did not receive a verbal response. It was, however, the first time he'd ever seen anyone tear up and then hug a toaster.

"Hey Homeschool! We've got a contest to finish! You comin' or what?"

"Yeah, yeah, okay homes! Prepare to lose to _The Zeke_! This game's mine, eh!"

"Just grab your dumb pillow already so I can smash your face in with mine."

"And ya've got the feather one, right? 'Cuz that last win with the turkey and the golf balls earned _The Zeke_ the right a' use the one that's got the sand in it! Word!"

"Yeah, but you've gotta keep your eyes closed the whole time, Homeschool, 'cuz I did beat ya at Creampuff's muffin-sculptin' challenge!"

Trent, still clutching his toaster, wisely decided not to ask.


	19. Rolling in the Dough

"Pass me that power strip plug thing, Z-Man. Where's the extension cord? And how did this even happen anyway?"

"Yeah, uh, Eva kinda broke it when she was watchin' ya guys all play dodgeball. She just picked it up, which sorta ripped out all the cords and things, and she threw it right 'cross the room. Not e'en the intern peeps could figure out how it went back in the wall, eh."

"Huh. Well, the good news is that the screen seems to be fine, except a gash right here and another one right here, but the bad news is that I have no idea what to do with all of these." Trent looked at the cords in his fist and sighed. "Aw man, I don't know. Improving things is a gift of mine, but I'm not really a wiring kind of guy. Noah might be more suited to this than I am."

Ezekiel shot a glare towards the card table, where Noah, Tyler, Katie, Sadie, and Beth were engaged in a deadly game of Bananagrams. "I asked, homes. He said no."

"Okay… I hate to ask, knowing him as I do, but what about Cody?"

"He's a'ready gone and broke three clocks, his 'lectric toothbrush, the stove timer, and the golf cart, and that's just in the past couple a' days. Don't really know how much worse the tellie can get, but _The Zeke_ didn't really wanna find out the tough way, eh?"

"… Harold?"

"The traitor? I think he's hidin' from the crazy Coourtney girl."

"And I suppose she's too busy chasing him to fix it either." Trent scratched his neck. "Did you happen to ask Katie or Sadie?"

Ezekiel shook his head.

"What, just because they're girls? Dude, you can't-"

"Yeah, well, I just think they'd have a hard time keepin' their big mouths shut, eh. And like I a'ready said, I really didn't want that Coody to know the screen was broken, yo. He ain't usually in the card room, so t'was pretty easy to 'stract him, actually…"

Trent looked at Ezekiel for another minute, then sighed and went back to plugging in random wires. "Seriously man, if yellow goes to yellow, red goes to red, and white goes to white, then what the heck does purple go with?"

"So ya've still got a purple cord tip and an orange hole? I'm guessin' they pair up, eh."

"The orange hole, as you put it, says 'Coaxial Out' next to it."

"Uh, what's that s'posed a' mean, homes?"

"I really have no idea."

The two boys sat, stumped, for a few more minutes. Finally, for lack of any better ideas, Ezekiel grabbed a plug and shoved it into the nearest outlet. There was a slight hissing sound, a spark, and both he and Trent cried out and fell back. Both of them had frizzed hair when they sat up again. For some reason Noah found the whole scene to be hilariously funny and about fell out of his chair.

"Ohmygosh! Are you two okay?"

"Katie, I think they're hurt."

"Oh, poor Trent!"

"Zeke!"

And yet none of them got up from their game to check them over.

"Aw man! My hair's all messed up now. Thanks a lot for that Z-Man."

"Tch." Ezekiel inspected his finger tips and started rubbing his scalp. "Yeah, well, 'lectronics ain't really _The Zeke_ 's flambé, eh?"

"… I guess I'm not one to talk either. Sorry, dude."

"S'okay, homes." They were about to shake on it, but they hesitated at the last second, worried for any lingering traces of electricity, and settled for a pair of thumbs up. "'Tis a real shame though," Ezekiel sighed, looking forlornly at the plasma screen, "'cuz when it's workin' right then this thing is really cold. Shows livin' stuff from the cameras and all, and ya can choose which cameras ya wanna be watchin' from, or ya can watch a bunch at a time and-"

"-and I could probably find Gwen on there right now." Trent looked equally dejected, but not for long. After a moment's thought he got up, waited until this round of Bananagrams had ended, and then tapped Noah on the shoulder.

"No."

"Dude, I didn't even-"

Noah started counting out his next set of tiles, and Ezekiel picked up a handful of cords as he listened to the bookworm rant. "I don't care. I am not fixing the TV so that you and Tyler and Harold can goggle your girlfriends all day. I am not fixing the TV so that Cody will watch you and Tyler and Harold goggle your girlfriends all day and I become the cause of a vicious love triangle between some of the people here who are actually sensible. I am not fixing the TV so that Katie and Homeschool can come up with more ideas that will only end up in some or all of us getting injured. I am not fixing the TV so that I can waste hour after hour wondering how I would have faired in this or that challenge had I not been eliminated so early, and I most certainly am not fixing the TV so that Eva can watch live feed of the silly contest, become rather jealous and rageful, and decide to bash in my head because she thinks I won't care. No thanks, I'm good."

"Yo, yo, dogs! Check it out! _The Zeke_ fixed the tellie!"

There was a heavy _thump_ as Noah slammed his head against the table. Beth winced, Katie and Sadie clapped politely, and Trent punched the air.

"Way to go, Zed!"

"You're the man!"

"T'was easier once _The Zeke_ found the purple and green holes 'round the side, eh?" He frowned. "'Least, I think it's workin' now." He pressed one button on the TV remote at random, and the screen flipped to show a black-haired girl accidentally-on-purpose bump the shoulder of a blond, causing the startled latter to drop her nail file in the mud.

"Yeah," Beth groaned, "it's working all right. Heather picking on poor Lindsay. What a big surprise."

Ezekiel pressed a few more buttons, finally settling on Camera A12 in the mess hall, where many of the campers could be seen eating. Or rather, not eating. Some were picking at their food a bit, a few had actually tried tasting the sloppy oatmeal they had been served, but most sat silently in front of their bowls, looking uncomfortable.

"Lunch," Trent noted, eyeing a girl at the end of the Screaming Gophers table; she nibbled on the end of her spoon, one hand on her face and her elbow on the table. "Not something I'm really going to miss."

"Aside from the hundred thousand dollars," Noah mumbled into the table, "is there anything you're really going to miss?"

"Not much," Trent admitted, but he gave the Gopher girl a one-sided wave before turning to Ezekiel. "Heh. After all that slop at camp, I could really go for a pizza right now."

"Ne'er had real pizza 'fore, homes. What's it taste like, eh?"

"You've never had pizza before?"

Ezekiel cocked his head slightly and scratched at the back of his neck. "Not any a' the stuff that my cousins say comes in boxes, eh. Just the kind we'd make back home, yo. Our own flour and tomatoes and milk and cheese… Mmm…"

"That's it, man." Trent said, clapping Ezekiel on the back; the other boy started and yelped, grabbing at his toque. "You're definitely going to have to show me how to make that kind of stuff." He winced then and glanced away. "I hope you're good, Zed. The last pizza I ate, grasshoppers and… _Urgh_. No thanks."

"Tch. Sure thing, homie. Not like _The Zeke_ just fixed the tellie or nothin'."

"Aw c'mon, Z-Man. And plus, you did kinda get me electrocuted there, dude, so…"

"Well… a'right then, homes. But you've gotta be listenin' a' e'erythin' I say, eh?"

…

"No! Out, homie! Out!"

Cody flinched like he'd been struck, slamming into Trent and nearly knocking the Parmesan cheese from his hands. "Hey, chill out, man. I just came to get some chips. I'll stay out of your way. After all, I do like pizza, heh heh."

"Nuh-uh. _The Zeke_ wants you out!"

Cody saw Trent frowning at him. He said, "What?" with his mouth full and shrugged; Ezekiel slapped away his arm.

"Watch where you're pointin' that thing, homes. Ya could kill somebody."

"With a sandwich?" Cody stared at his right hand, then blinked. "Oh. Right. Peanut butter. You, Noah, and Tyler. Heh heh… heh…"

Ezekiel pointed again at the kitchen door, and Cody slouch-walked towards it. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob and glanced back. "Can I still have my chips?"

"Out! 'Afore ya infect the whole place or somethin'!"

"Fine, fine," Cody whined, "I'm going already!" He left.

"Crazy Coody," Ezekiel muttered. He clutched his own shoulders and gave a shiver. "Still, 'least _The Zeke_ 's only got himself a minor sensitivity, eh. Not like poor ol' Noah."

There was a sudden "Hey!" and a thump from the other side of the kitchen door, quickly followed by an indignant, "Cody, keep your sandwich away from me!" from Noah.

"Sorry, dude! If Courtney hadn't been crawling around on the floor-"

"Hey, I'm looking for that cheater Harold. What have _you_ done lately that's productive, huh?"

"Uh… tried not to kill Noah, Ezekiel, and Tyler?"

"Yeah, considering that your murder weapon just landed only six inches away from my hand, maybe you should start trying harder. Because, you know, I'm not real fond of dying with so many video game high scores still left unbeaten."

Trent started dusting cheese from his hands into the trash can. "Slide me some chips, Zed, and I'll toss 'em out to the dogs. That should keep them from tearing each other apart, don't you think?"

Ezekiel opened the pantry door. "Let's see what we've got in here, eh. Barbecue, Ruffles, Fritos…" He froze when he saw Harold curled up on the floor among heaps of chips and marshmallows. "Uh…"

Apparently Trent had been too distracted listening to Courtney, Noah, and Cody fight on the other side of the kitchen door, because his only reply was an anxious, "Zed? Chips?"

Ezekiel grabbed the nearest three bags, stared at the sleeping Harold for a few seconds more, and then slowly shut the pantry door.

"Uh… Here ya go, homes. Catch."

The noise of the fight trickled in through the doorway after Trent opened it: "So? You deserved to get voted off! At least I _tried_ to help my team! I was a team player! I was a C.I.T.! Have _you_ ever been a C.I.T., Noah?"

"Thankfully, no."

"What? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Hey, you guys, the pizza will be done in ten. Until then, here's a little something to hold you over."

"Sweet! I love Barbecue! Thanks, man!"

"Yeah, uh… Play nice, all."

As Courtney shifted gears and began fighting over chips with Cody, Trent looked at Ezekiel, shrugged helplessly, and then dropped his forehead into his palm. "Man, so much for that idea. I can't believe she's still yapping on about… Oh, let's just hope they're all still alive when we bring out the pizza."

…

"Oh, _finally_! Sweet relief!" Noah pushed aside his remaining Bananagrams tiles and accepted his pizza from Trent. "I swear, listening to Chicken and Bandages fight for ten minutes is almost worse than hearing Pretty-Boy go on about his dumb modeling career. Still, not nearly as bad as Pigtails and Creampuff trying to read over my shoulders and chatter over my head like I'm not there."

Katie and Sadie glanced at each other, then at Justin and Tyler, then Beth, then Ezekiel, and all six of them started snickering. Noah stared blankly at them over the top of his pizza. "What?"

"'Tis nothin' homes," Ezekiel managed, and tried to stifle his laughter with his own slice. Tyler's face was in his hands; his shoulders shook with silent chuckles. Justin was perfectly content to laugh aloud at his longtime rival, even pointing in Noah's direction and slapping his knee.

"Whatever," he muttered, and went back to eating.

"Aw," cooed Beth, fluttering her lashes behind her glasses, "I think it's so sweet that Eva's nicknames are starting to rub off on you, Noah."

He blinked, they laughed, and for the second time that day Noah's head slammed against the table with a heavy _thump_.

"Could be worse," Ezekiel reminded him cheerfully. "Ya could've started talkin' the way Katie and Sadie do, eh, Fruitcake?"

"Oh stuff it, Homeschool."

Raising his pizza to his mouth, Ezekiel happily did.


	20. Rescue Dudes

"Yeah," Noah scoffed, " _this_ is gonna work just peachy."

"Is that a freakin' Fruitcake joke?"

"Will I live if I say yes, and that I've been trying to use it for a week?"

They didn't seem like much of a rescue party to Ezekiel, but then again, what did he know about this sort of thing? After all, Eva and Noah seemed to have full confidence in what they were doing. That was pretty much good enough for him. They were like siblings to him - maybe even friends? - and he trusted their judgement far above his own.

"Come on, you two pussycats. Stop acting like a buncha dumb girls." Eva leaned dangerously far over the roof's edge, and when she sat back up Ezekiel and Noah were still pushing at each other. "Even if you fall, which you won't, it's not a long way to the ground."

"'Tis Noah's idea, eh." Ezekiel pointed out.

"We brought you up here for a reason," Noah countered.

"It doesn't really matter who does it, but one of you has to put it on." Eva tossed the rope to Noah. "Here, Fruitcake- strap yourself in. Homeschool has more upper body strength than you do, and you'll need him to help pull you both up."

"He's shorter and lighter." Noah threw the rope to Ezekiel, who let it drop to his feet without making a move to catch it. "He'll be easier to hoist up, and we'll need his upper body strength to carry Red Herring. I mean. Harold."

"Aw c'mon, homes! This was all your idea! You should be the one a' do it."

"Fruitcake does make a good point though. I haven't seen him lift anything heavier'n his book since he got here. You've got scrawny arms too, but you're a farm kid, right? If ya can haul bales of hay around, ya should be able to hold onto Red, right? Just for a few seconds. Now we don't have much more time. Hurry it up, Homeschool."

So it was settled. One end of the rope was looped around his chest, just beneath his arms, and the other was done near his waist.

"Yo dog, we had a' wake ya up. _The Zeke_ just hopes that you ain't too sleepy a' tie good knots, eh."

"Stop shaking so much, Homeschool," Noah muttered, jerking on the rope ends in an attempt to still him, "or I won't tie _any_ knots. I really can't work under these conditions, and if that happens then you'll be the only one to blame if you fall."

He stopped shaking.

But finally they got him all tied up. Ezekiel crept to the edge of the hotel roof and peered over. It was dark and he couldn't clearly make out the ground. He felt as though he were crouching on the lip of a volcano. "Tch… this is pro'lly one a' the most dangerous things _The Zeke_ has e'er done, e'er."

"Stop whining already, pussycat. It's only, what, a twelve-foot fall? Fifteen? And anyway, I've gotcha." She held up a fist full of rope and cocked a brow. "Are you saying that ya don't think I'm strong enough to hold you up? You'd _better_ not be saying you don't think I'm strong enough to hold you up."

Ezekiel shook his head and sat down on the edge of the roof. It was unnerving to have his legs dangling, being unable to see how far away-

Three hands shoved him over, and he let out a scream as he fell. It was not a long fall, cut short by the ropes around him; they sank into his armpits and stomach. He dangled, they held, and for a brief moment everything was silent.

"Thanks for the push, ya knobs!"

"Keep it down a little, Homeschool. Now, if Fruitcake calculated correctly, you should be right beside Red's window."

Footsteps from below, and a black-on-black shape darted around the corner of the hotel, waving impatiently for others to follow her. "Come on, come on! I heard voices. He's gotta be close."

"Heh- Leave it to me. It's Tyler Time!" He of course went sprawling immediately after he said that. Ezekiel couldn't really see the wipeout, but he could hear it just the same as two, three, four more bodies tripped over their fallen comrade.

"On your feet. Come on, all of you. We can't give up now. Everyone, start searching the bushes and trees."

Ezekiel glanced up. Eva's shadowed face was slightly silhouetted against the dark sky, and he wasn't sure if Courtney would be able to pick her out. If that happened, he was probably beyond dead.

The search party scouted out the area for a few minutes, but when the calls of, "Nothing here," and "I can't find anything," and "Did anyone hear movement over there?" became too much, Courtney led them off again. Ezekiel counted to five and then exhaled.

"Yo, I don't get paid enough a' do this. I don't get paid at all, eh."

"Ya still kickin' down there, Homeschool?"

"Word," was his muttered reply. He tugged at the rope that had been digging into his stomach, then tried to rock back and forth, back and forth. Each swing brought him a little closer to the wall, and he finally caught a hold on Harold's window sill. "What now, homes?"

"Knock on the window," Noah offered. "That should wake him up. Geek mentioned yesterday that he thought himself a light sleeper."

Ezekiel shifted and squirmed against the ropes until he finally had his left elbow on the window sill and felt secure enough to remove his right hand. He knocked twice on the glass, but at first there was no response. When he knocked again, however, Harold bolted upright in his bed. He looked wildly around the room, caught sight of Ezekiel dangling outside his window, and screamed, "Ninjas!"

Well, yes. That was probably the response to be expected.

"Shh, shh, it's just _The Zeke_ , homes." He knew Harold couldn't much hear him through the window, but he did seem to see the shushing gestures, and once he found his glasses he visibly relaxed. He said something and laughed, but Ezekiel couldn't hear what it was, so he knocked on the glass again.

"Taking a leaf from Izzy's book, are we now?" Harold asked, sliding the window upward.

"Uh, don't really know what ya mean by that, and, uh, _The Zeke_ still kinda thinks ya might be a traitor or somethin', but we've come a' rescue ya, eh."

"Rescue me? Hey, I'm no damsel in distress. Gosh!"

"That Coourtney girl is runnin' 'round out there right now, double-checkin' that ya ain't hidin' out there 'fore she plans a' come and getcha in your sleep, yo." Ezekiel gasped suddenly and lunged forward, holding tightly onto the other side of Harold's window sill as Eva tugged the rope into his armpits. "She's got Tyla, Trent, Beth, Coody, and Justin workin' with her, and they've a'ready almost caught us once, so ya've gotta hurry, homes."

"Hmm… A vicious manhunt, huh? Awesome. What are our assets?"

"Assets? Uh… Ya've got me and Noah and Eva, these ropes, and the el'ment a' surprise, eh."

"What's our strategy?"

"I don't know, homes! Why don'tya just come on a'ready, and ya can ask Noah once we get up on the roof."

"The roof?" Harold squeezed out onto his windowsill, avoiding Ezekiel's fingers with deliberate percision. "Why the heck didn't you just come through my door?"

Ezekiel rolled his eyes and nodded his head towards the other side of the room. "Ya double-locked it and barred it with a chair, homie, and Eva didn't wanna break it down 'case Coourtney heard the noise, eh."

"You could've knocked."

"Ya wouldn't a' let us in if ya thought we were with Coourntey."

"Ah, true, true. Now, as someone who received their rock-climbing patch in Musk-"

Fed up with him, Ezekiel grabbed Harold around the middle, letting go of the window in the process, and both of them swung out into open air. Harold yelped, Courtney shouted some way's off, and Eva rapidly began heaving them upwards, muttering dark words.

"Nice pajamas," Noah greeted, grabbing Harold's wrists while Eva did the same to Ezekiel.

"You're one to talk. Gosh."

"Red sweaters, plaid green flannel- I look good in anything. And anyway, you really shouldn't be trying to make me angry considering how I'm pretty much the only thing keeping you from falling off the roof."

"Thanks, homes," Ezekiel muttered, shrugging out of his ropes.

Courtney chose that moment to make her reappearance, with Cody and Beth hard behind her and Tyler, Trent, and Justin trailing some way's back, but they were gone around the other side of the hotel a moment later. Harold, squinting against the night, watched them disappear.

"Okay, okay, I'm grateful to you all for saving me from the wrath of Courtney and all that, but why'd you do it? I mean, Zeke here is still brainwashed into thinking I'm the bad guy."

Noah said, "Yeah, well, rescuing you was _my_ idea, so now we're even."

"Even? With what?"

"Uh, I think he feels guilty 'cuz he didn't really try so hard a' stop Coourtney when she was huntin' ya down with papaya juice, e'en though he knew you were 'llergic to it too, homes."

Harold glared, Noah tapped his fingers together and said something like, "Wow, this is… awkward…" and Courtney ran past them for a third time with a cry of, "I know you're there, Harold! You're going down, you're going down!"

"Yeesh," Eva muttered, watching them go. "And people say _I_ have a temper."

"Idiots." Harold slammed a fist into his open palm. "I thought some of those guys were my friends. Why would those backstabbers team up with Courtney over me?"

"It's not really their fault. She's blackmailing all of them. Homeschool here was almost one of 'em too," Eva said, hooking a thumb at Ezekiel. "Chicken seems to think the two of you are scheming behind her back, and we heard her say she planned to bring him along on her expedition, 'cept Fruitcake and I got him outta there just in time. Anyway, apparently our friendly neighborhood farm boy is the resident expert on hiding places, so-"

"I di'n't spill a word to her, homes!"

"And I should believe you? You still think I'm a traitor- and you don't even know what I did, do you? Do you?"

"Get over yourself, Red." Eva slapped his cheek with the back of her hand. "Homeschool's innocent- in this regard, at least. Find someone else to blame for your popularity crisis."

Harold stared at Eva for a few seconds, then punched his hand a second time. "Of course! There's some devious scheme going on around here. A sneaky someone had the power to turn Trent, Beth, Tyler, and Cody against me, and we're going to find out who."

Noah's arms had been folded, but he lifted one hand when he said, "Right, couldn't have been Courtney herself, could it?"

"Nah, too obvious. That's rule number one of sci-fi novels: The main antagonist is always working for someone higher up who has actually been there the whole time. Duh. Clearly someone here finds my mad skills threatening. Whoever it is decided to send Courtney to take me down since she would be the prime suspect in case something went wrong with his master plan, due to her having the motivation and stuff."

Ezekiel shared a glance with Noah, then looked back at Harold. "Uh, I think I'm gonna have to agree with Noah here, eh. The Coourtney girl's still just angry at ya for what happened back on the island s'all."

There was a crash from below them, and they could hear Courtney's gasp even from their places on the roof. "His window is open! That scrawny creep escaped! Quick everyone, this way! Double time!"

Harold spent a long moment tapping his chin before he answered. "No, no, her rage has been blown completely out of proportion. Rageful psychos always head the armies of their calm, mastermind leaders." He smiled a little dazedly as he continued with, "I've always wanted to have my own major rival and stuff."

"If you don't shut your trap and start making sense right now I'll-"

"Look," Noah said, calmly catching Eva's fist, "my brilliant thinking, Eva's strength, and Homeschool's… help just saved your rear from Chicken there-"

"Coourtney, homes."

"-so if you think I'm going to spend the rest of my night going on some silly wild goose chase, no. Just no. Homeschool alone gives us quite enough of that. So now that we're even, _I'm_ going back to- _Graak_!"

Noah went down in a blast of orange, knocking into Harold. With one rather high-pitched screech and one cry of, "Gosh! Idiot!", both of them tipped backwards over the edge of the roof and were gone.

"Haha, yes! Take that, traitors! I knew it was a conspiracy!"

"Fruitcake! Red Herring!" Eva stared at the edge of the roof, then at Ezekiel, and then both of them stared at Courtney, who abruptly broke off from her cheering when she saw their glares.

"What? It's just a paintball gun. It's not like I killed them or anything."

"Ya shot 'em clean off the roof! They could a' landed on their heads, eh!"

Courtney narrowed her eyes. "And _you_. You were in on it too, weren't you? All this time you were calling Harold a traitor in front of my face, only to join up with him as soon as my back was turned?"

"I, uh, _The Zeke_ -"

He was saved (almost ironically) by Eva, who snarled out, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't pick you up and pitch you after Fruitcake and Red, Chicken!"

The rest of Courtney's group fanned out behind her, but they all hovered and twitched anxious shoulders at the prospect of a face-off between their blackmailer and Eva. Well, all except for Justin, who had collapsed in a fit of laughter after watching Noah get shot; he was saying something along the lines of, "Bet ya wish you didn't have such a big head now, huh?"

Ezekiel took a careful step to the right, effectively placing Eva between himself and Courtney as the latter lowered her paintball gun. "Eva, look, we're allies, right? I mean, you and I were the strong, smart, level-headed females that headed the Bass team. I certainly don't want us to be enemies, and there's no need for you to get upset. This is poetic justice, that's all. Really, this whole fight is just between me and that traitor Harold, and believe me, that cheater is getting exactly what he deserves."

" _Cheater_ ," Eva spluttered, scowling even more fiercely now. "I hate cheaters, and I seem to remember _you_ being the one who shot Fruitcake in the back of the head. And that's not even including the fact that you _lied_ to me about who really got me voted off! And after we made a freakin' alliance!" Trent, Beth, Cody, and Tyler all began slowly backing up, while Courtney's face turned more and more pink as Eva stomped towards her. "I hate cheaters, and I hate traitors- especially low-life, cheating, backstabbing traitors from the Bass cabin!"

What happened next Ezekiel wasn't really sure, because it was still dark and at first he didn't have a clear view from his position on the roof. Eva seemed to grab hold of Courtney's paintball gun, but Courtney didn't want to let it go, and she had a grip like a starved piranha. Eva wrenched the gun upwards and Courtney went with it. Head over heels, gun forgotten, Courtney flew over Ezekiel's head and off the side of the roof. There were screams from those on the roof who weren't in shock over the whole thing, and then there was a heavy rustling crash.

"Is she okay?" Trent came up on Ezekiel's left and Cody came up on the right. "Oh man… we are so dead. I knew we should've stopped her when she first broke out the paintball guns, but I was hoping it would all blow over if we just tried to… Ooh, man, she looks angry."

"And people say I have a temper," Eva murmured again, but she chewing on the inside of her cheek and furrowed her brow (in this case, her only brow) as she considered Courtney's predicament.

Even though his eyes had mostly adjusted to the dark at this point, it still took a moment for Ezekiel to take in the scene below. Noah and Harold sat on the ground, rubbing at their heads and staring up into the leaves of the neighboring palm tree. Caught in the palm tree, apparently unharmed but unable to climb down or even move lest she fall, Courtney sat amongst the leaves. She was pointing and yelling, "You hear me down there, Harold? This isn't over! I will destroy you! And you-" she added, jabbing a finger towards the roof, "No soda machines in the cafeteria!"

"What's she talkin' 'bout, homes?" Ezekiel murmured to Cody, who shrugged and stuffed a handful of chips into his mouth.

"Well, one thing I've learned about her so far is that it's best to just sit back and let her rant herself out for awhile. She'll get down from that tree by herself when she's done." He laughed nervously and added, "She'll probably come straight for us since we didn't blast you guys with any paintballs after she hit Noah, but… That's the way girls are, right? Heh heh…"

Girls were so weird.


	21. That Went Well

"Yeah! Aw, this is gonna be so much better'n usin' Coody's ol' wheelchair for a race car, eh. It's real great that Chris agreed ta let us use 'em!"

"What?" Kevin asked like this was news to him, shoving the third jet ski out into the lake. "Oh, oh. Yeah. That's right, man. He said that."

Ezekiel paused from buckling his life jacket and looked up at the intern. "Uh… Chris _did_ say we could use 'em, di'n't he?"

"Heh. So what if he didn't?" Courtney cannonballed into the water and came up spluttering, but she caught her breath quickly and announced, "So I'm going to enjoy this whole race twice as much. And my team is going to _win_!"

Noah elbowed Ezekiel in the ribs. "Courtney chasing us 'traitors' down with a paintball gun on a jet ski. Nice work, Homeschool. You couldn't have given her a better set-up if you tried."

"It… sounded like it might be fun at the time, homes. Y'know, three days ago, 'fore I saw her shoot ya off the roof and all."

Noah merely shook his head.

There were footsteps on the dock behind them. Cody called out, "I finally found the rest of the guys! Can we start the race now?"

"Race?" Beth took a step away from the edge of the dock. "Oh… I changed my mind. That doesn't sound very safe at all. We don't even know these waters. Not all of the sharks seem to like us."

"Take that up with the Z-Man," Tyler grumbled, waving his hand in Ezekiel's direction. "Ever since Noah beat us all at that silly video game, he's been wanting to get back at him for ages."

"That's right. Prepare to lose to _The Zeke_!"

"Because he's in it to win it, word," Justin finished, strapping his own life jacket on. "We _know_ already. Don't you ever get tired of saying that?"

Beth nibbled on her lip and twisted her hands, and so Ezekiel offered her a few hesitant but reassuring pats on the shoulder. "S'okay, homes. Kevin a'ready paired e'erone up so that each team'd have someone on it who could drive the boat thing, eh. S'long as ya wear your floating vest, you'll be perfectly fine."

"So I guess I'll be on paintball duty then, huh? You'd better watch out, Zeke, 'cuz I'm the sharpest shooter in the wild west."

Ezekiel didn't really understand that last part, but he got the implication. He gave Beth a few more pats before she ran off to get her gear from Kevin. Once he'd helped her in, the intern removed a sticky note from his back pocket and began directing the ex-campers to their jet skis.

"Cody, you're with Courtney. Eva, Beth. Trent and Tyler, Ezekiel and Bridgette, Katie and Sadie, and Harold and Justin. Noah dude, that means you're going to be flying solo."

"What, are you _kidding_ me?"

"We have an uneven amount of people, man, and according to our little buddy Zeke, your mad video game skills render you enough of a threat on your own. So unless someone else wants to drop out…"

No one did. The jet-skis had been off-limits ever since they'd arrived, and they were all itching to have a go on them. With a mutter of annoyance, Noah strapped on his life jacket and took a running start along the dock before reaching the water. Apparently his plan had been to splash as many people as possible, but due to his small size and the distance his leap had put between him and everybody else, the only thing that did get splattered was his jet ski.

"So… Erm, Ezekiel, wasn't it?"

"Th-that's me, homes. Oh."

It was her. He hadn't seen her since Camp Wawanakwa, but he recognized her instantly. Aside from Eva, she was the other girl who had wanted to strangle him. He scratched at the back of his neck, and after she finished the last bite of her sandwich she started rubbing at the sleeve of her wetsuit. Apparently she felt just as awkward with the whole situation.

"I don't suppose you know how to drive a jet ski, do you?"

"Uh, well… Yeah, I sp got this, yo. I've driven the tractor 'round back on my farm loads a' times, and this can't be much different'n that, eh. You'll be safe with _The Zeke_. Word."

"Reassuring," she said, and now she was smiling. "but I've been driving these things practically half my life. You'd better take this."

"Uh… Yeah. Okay, homes."

Bridgette dropped the paintball gun into his arms and went for the jet ski much in the same way Noah had. Ezekiel joined her a moment later, and she helped pull him out of the water and onto their little craft.

"You do know how to use the paintball gun though, right?"

He nodded. "Been usin' these kinds a' things practically half my life, eh."

She nodded back, revved the engine of their jet ski a bit, then raised one hand to her face. "Nothing personal, Court, but Zeke and I are going to wipe you out!"

"Ha! Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Bridge! After all, I was a C.I.T.!"

"Chicken is right," Eva muttered from their other side. Ezekiel glanced over to see her hunched over the front of her jet ski, Beth clinging one-handedly to her from behind. A quick survey showed that Tyler was in charge of his team's gun, so he and Trent wouldn't be much of a threat, and hopefully the same could be said of Harold. Ezekiel was more concerned about Sadie- she was grinning deviously at him, miming shooting him from two jet skis away. Directly in the middle of them all sat Noah, alone, anxiously examining his steering controls.

"This," Ezekiel murmured, "is gonna be for the dresses, homie."

"Did you say something, Zeke?" Bridgette asked, casting a glance back over her shoulder.

"I said, uh, 'Let's lick their butts, eh'!"

"You mean _kick_ … right?"

"Racer dudes, listen up!" Kevin stood at the end of the dock, hands cupped around his mouth. "The area you cover won't be a very large one. What you're gonna do is take your jet skis and drive right around the main island. Continue past it and you'll reach Boney Island- it's on a pretty straight course, so you shouldn't miss it. Right on the shore you'll find seven flags, one for each team. Take one flag and then drive back here. The first team to drop their flag into this bucket is the winner."

"Heh- Is that all?" Tyler teased, hefting his gun.

"Oh yeah. As you have all noticed, each team has one driver and one sniper- except for our buddy Noah. So sad for him. Snipers can shoot at other snipers and other drivers, but please try to avoid hitting each other's goggles, 'cuz then you could crash and Chris will pro'lly kill me. And you guys too."

"Then, um… Like, what's the point of the guns?" Katie asked, severely disappointed.

"Distractions. And pelting the sharks, if Chris left any of them around. Faces are still fair game, technically, and no one likes being shot in the cheek or ear, am I right? Same goes for hands. Hit your opponent's hands or nail the 'Off' button on their jet ski and you could slow them down considerably. Just remember what I said about crashing, all right? Eva?"

Eva made a scoffing noise and Beth's eyes widened in fear behind her goggles.

"That's about it. I'd make a really great host for the show, wouldn't I? Comes from so much time around Chris, I guess. Okay, okay, dudes. On my mark… Now get set… And _go_!"

Ezekiel cried out as the jet ski hurtled forward beneath him. The paintball gun lifted from his hands at the momentum, and only a quick fumble for it kept it from tumbling into the waves.

"Woo-hoo!" Bridgette cheered, gunning their ride even more. They pulled out in front of Katie and Sadie and then Courtney and Cody. A few seconds more and they passed Noah so close that his jet ski nearly capsized in their wake.

"Not so tough are ya now, eh homes?"

"Shut it, Homeschool! Ow! Ow, hey! No fair!" Sadie had just plugged him on the arm with a round of blue paint. She exchanged an air-five with Cody, who had blasted Noah's other side at the same time.

"All right Zeke, we're coming up on Harold and Justin now. Show them what for!"

"With much of a pleasure doin' business, eh." Ezekiel had hunted deer in the woods before and once or twice a moose, sort of, but sniping from the cover of tree branches or undergrowth was completely different than trying to aim in, well, this kind of situation. His first two shots missed entirely. The third hit Harold in a splatter of orange.

"Traitor!" Harold shouted back, firing his own gun. He hit their jet ski twice, and then Bridgette pulled ahead of them. Ezekiel twisted awkwardly, aimed, and shot Justin right in the crook of his elbow. He jerked their ride to the side, wailing and shaking out his injured limb while behind him Harold shouted, "Correct, correct! You have to correct before we tip! Gosh!"

"Tyler next. See if you can blind him in the goggles before he shoots back."

"On it. I'll just need a closer shot first, yo."

Bridgette adjusted their course, leaning forward and practically standing as they hit the wake of Trent's jet ski; Ezekiel was nearly thrown from the seat in the process. "Hey Trent!" Bridgette shouted. She twisted out of the wake as they turned the corner of the island, flinging a spray of water over both boys as she continued with, "You drive a jet ski like a _guy_!"

"Oh-ho! I don't think so!" Tyler unleashed rapid and random fire upon them. Even from this distance most missed completely, and Ezekiel took advantage of the close range to decorate Trent's hands and dashboard in orange patches. His next shot took Tyler between the eyes. The jock lurched backwards, tipping their jet ski dangerously, and though Trent's quick reflexes kept them from capsizing, Bridgette and Ezekiel managed to pass them by.

"You're really good at this, homes!" he gasped out to her.

"What can I say? I practically grew up out on the water. You're not a bad shot yourself. Now let's catch up with Eva."

They were coming up on the front of Camp Wawanakwa now. Two girls lay on the main dock apparently sunning themselves, and as the jet ski ripped past one of them cried, "What the heck was _that_?" Then they were in the open water again.

"I think we might be gainin' on 'em, homes!"

"We'd better be! I'm drafting!"

Ezekiel wasn't sure what that meant, but he readied himself to shoot anyway. He liked Beth, but Eva was, well, Eva, and he also liked living. But a race was a race, and really, everyone was fair game in a free-for-all. They couldn't hold that against him.

"Almost… there…"

A sudden engine roar behind them made Bridgette gasp and flinch. Ezekiel twisted, paintball gun held high, just in time to get smacked in the face with a wall of water. "Wha-?"

"Noah! _Argh!_ I thought we lost you! Darn single-riders. Zeke, take him down like he's hot!"

Both of Noah's arms were coated in blue and orange paint, but most of his face had gone unscathed. He risked one quick glance back over his shoulder, then gasped and swerved as Ezekiel opened fire on him.

"Pick on the loner, why don't you!"

"Boney Island is just ahead now. Come on, Zeke! We can do this!"

Beth sprang onto the sand, ran across the shore, tripped once, then snatched up a flag and scurried back to Eva. Noah was gaining speed fast despite his swerving; he'd reach it in a moment more. Ezekiel clutched Bridgette's shoulder tightly with his left hand, holding and shooting the paintball gun with only his right. He was standing too, standing a bit and leaning forward, aiming, giving all he had to get his chance at plugging Noah…

"Zeke! Get down!"

"I got this, eh!" But he lowered himself slightly. Pointing the barrel carefully…

Eva and Beth shot by them, heading the other way, and the force of their passing sent Bridgette and Ezekiel jerking to the right, crashing hard into the wake of Noah's jet ski with a great _whoosh!_ Ezekiel toppled into the lake. His life vest kept him floating, but he was coughing water when he surfaced.

"Bri'gette! Yo, Bri'gette! Where are ya, homes? I can't… I can't swim, eh! Bri'gette?"

"Zeke, look out!"

Something unreasonably heavy crashed into the back of the head, and the world turned black. The next thing he knew he was lying face-up in the warm sand. Bridgette was crouched over him and his lips were tingling something fierce.

"Ezekiel?"

He blinked once, then screwed up his eyes against the sunlight. It filtered through her hair, turning it a shimmery gold, and little blonde locks fell past her face.

"… Bri'gette?"

"Oh, thank goodness," she murmured, sitting back on her heels. "For a moment there I was really worried for you. But none of your limbs are broken and now you're awake, so… so yeah. Everything's fine. Thank goodness for that."

Ezekiel sat up slowly and pressed his fingers to his lips. "Yo, didya… didya just _kiss_ me?"

Her cheeks turned a slight shade of pink at the accusation. "You remember that? I thought you were- I mean… No, it wasn't a kiss. It was just CPR. For your breathing." She glanced away, folded her arms, and blew strands of wet hair from her eyes. "It's a surfer thing. We all know how to do it."

"I've ne'er kissed a girl afore. It feels pretty funny, eh. Not really like I thought it'd be."

"Again, it was not a-" Bridgette's eyes were Granny-Smith-green, and they suddenly widened as she turned back to him and broke off mid-protest. "Zeke? Are you okay? You look a little…"

Ezekiel frowned, his gaze locked on distant puffy clouds. "Peanut butter."

"What?"

He ran his fingers beneath his dripping hair, rubbing at his scalp, closing his eyes. "Yo, dawg, _The Zeke_ … _The Zeke_ don't feel so great anymore." When he glanced up again a moment later he weakly added, "Y'know, Bri'gette… ya look just like Noah when ya get scared. He does that same thing with his arms and his eyes and… but when you do it ya make it look really… pretty."

"Hold on- peanut butter? You don't mean- that sandwich I ate- CPR- Oh, please don't tell me that you're allergic to- _Argh!_ Ezekiel!" Bridgette locked her arms beneath his own and proceeded to drag him along the beach, slipping in the sand as they went along. "Stupid, stupid, stupid! We have to get you back to camp right _now_! Noah! Tyler! Trent! We're leaving!"

Ezekiel glanced to his right to see Noah, dripping wet, spring up from the ground with Ezekiel's hoody and life jacket in his arms. Ezekiel didn't have much memory of the trip back to Playa Des Losers, only that his fellow ex-campers were already there and that someone - Kevin? - had some sort of thing to treat him with. Tylenol? An EpiPen? He couldn't even remember, only that sometime later he fell asleep, and when he woke again he heard Noah and Bridgette talking in soft voices.

"… They're not exactly waterproof," Noah was protesting, "and besides, my swim trunks don't have pockets. Of course I didn't have one on me."

"He could have _died_. I almost killed him!" Into the blankets she mumbled, "I am a horrible person."

"Okay, first of all, if anyone here is a horrible person, it would be Courtney. I hate to say so to your face, but you saw her back there. Seriously, she hardly spared him a glance. She literally dragged Cody back to their jet-ski and took off. Second of all, Homeschool didn't come anywhere close to dying. He's got a sensitivity and that's it. I'm the one with the life-threatening peanut allergy."

"Which I suppose is why you haven't come within three feet of me."

"That would be the reason, yes."

"I still can't believe I actually almost- Oh, I think he's awake now."

At her words, Ezekiel lifted his arms and pushed down his fluffy sheets. Once Mount Comforter had been obliterated he was able to see Noah and a very anxious Bridgette staring back at him.

"Zeke? How you feeling?"

"Mm… pretty good, eh. 'Course _The Zeke_ 's been better afore, but…"

Bridgette embraced him with warm arms before he could finish, still in her wetsuit. "Oh Zeke, I am _so_ sorry about what happened back there on the island. I can't even imagine what you must have been thinking."

"'I should brain myself with jet skis more often if it means the pretty girl will kiss me again'," Noah offered; Bridgette only chuckled and released Ezekiel's neck.

"Seriously, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you…"

He smiled, his eyes wandering down her arms. "Ya a'ready brought me back to the infirma-whatsit, homes. You saved me."

"Anyone would have done the same," she replied, and elbowed Noah harshly in the stomach when he started false-coughing Courtney's name. "But seriously, if you come up with something, let me know, okay? I so owe you big time."

Ezekiel finally nodded, knowing that it was better to simply go along with what she said than try to argue with her, and she picked up a bundle from the foot of his bed.

"You got tossed on the rocks after you went unconscious. Your arm got scratched - thank goodness that intern was wrong about the sharks - and the sleeve of your jacket got a little torn. I, um… I sewed up the hole while we were waiting for you to wake up here, so if you were wondering about that… It was the least I could do after the allergy issue."

"Ya fixed it?"

Her face turned pink around her ears and neck. "Is that weird?"

"Nope, nope." Ezekiel refolded his hoody and set it down on his lap before giving her his best smile. "Thanks a lot, Bri'gette. For e'erythin'."

She smiled back, then stood. "I really am glad that you're okay, you know, and I've bothered you enough for one day. Get a little more rest, Zeke, and I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tonight," he promised. " _The Zeke_ 'll be up again by then, eh. Word!"

"Oh, all right. Tonight. See you then, Zeke. Come on, Noah. Say good-bye to him."

"Good-bye, Homeschool."

Bridgette gave one last wave before she turned out the lights and softly shut the door. After she had gone, Ezekiel slowly leaned back into his pillow and spent several long moments staring up at the faint swirl patterns that decorated the ceiling.

"Wow…"


	22. Pigs of New Guinea

"Aw, just look at him lying there. Isn't he just so precious all curled up like that? He looks just like my little puppy dog. Hey, his hair even feels just like my little puppy dog!"

Ezekiel bolted upright at her touch, twisting and gasping like a landed fish. "Wha-? Where-?"

"Huh. Well, you certainly don't _sound_ like my little puppy dog."

It was dark, but dawn was just breaking, and so Ezekiel had enough light to make out the face beside him. It was one he vaguely recognized but was not familiar with. Long blonde hair (but not quite Bridgette-blonde, so pretty when it had dangled over him during their not-kiss two days before) a blue head bandana, blue eyes… blue… eyes…

She was tapping at her cheek. "Um, I… I don't know who you are. You weren't at all in the competition."

"Wha?" he asked distractedly, finally shifting his gaze from her eyes to the surrounding area. He was out at the poolside, and he wasn't sure why. He could have sworn he had fallen asleep behind the lobby couch after he'd gone running from the card room during the stampede scene in "Lion King".

"Oh, I get it now. You work for Chip, right? Is that why you locked our hands together?"

"What?" he said again, though he'd heard her words clearly this time. He lifted his left hand, and her right went upwards with it. "Handcuffs?"

The girl put out a pouting lower lip. "I don't get it. Why did you lock our hands together? If you wanted to hold my hand, you could have just asked."

There was a moan from the bushes some way's off. She gasped and grabbed Ezekiel around the neck, squeezing him tightly enough to make him choke. "What is that? Oh, Chip, I wish you hadn't locked our hands together! Now if that thing catches you, I won't be able to run away! We're doomed!"

He tore her arms away from his neck, gasping for air and squinting into the shadows. "Hold on, homes. That sounds like…"

And then it was.

"… What? Wait, where are my… Okay, no blankets, no books, no candy corn… I'm out in the bushes all alone… Homeschool! Homeschool, I know this was your doing, and it's not funny! And this after I waited for you to recover from the whole peanut-butter incident two days ago? I know you can hear me, Homeschool!"

Ezekiel flinched each time he heard his nickname called, but he knew he had to answer. Tugging on their handcuffs to get her attention, he crawled alongside the blonde girl towards the frantic voice.

"What the-? Handcuffs? This day just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? Okay, okay… Bridgette? Hey… Hey, wake up, you. Wake up, Bridgette." When they parted the bushes, Ezekiel and his partner found an anxious Noah apparently testing whether or not Bridgette was conscious by dropping her own hand on her face.

"Huh," the first blonde girl remarked, "he doesn't really look like my little puppy dog either."

Noah jumped slightly at the voice and glanced over his shoulder. "Lindsay-" he said first, and then narrowed his eyes. "Oh. There you are, Homeschool."

"T'wasn't me who did it, homes." He raised his and Lindsay's cuffed hands for Noah to see and continued with, " _The Zeke_ just woke up out here a second ago, eh. Without any idea how he got there or nothin'."

"Do I sleep walk?" Lindsay wondered, looking herself over. "My sisters say I sleep walk sometimes, because once I had this dream about the mall, and it was like I was sleep shopping."

Noah rubbed his temples with his thumbs. "I have no idea what's going on here. The last thing I remember was sitting in the card room, I think we were attacked or something, and the next thing I know I'm here, it's morning, and I'm handcuffed to someone I hardly know who also happens to be unconscious. It's like Halloween all over again."

Ezekiel didn't really know how to reply with that, so there was a slight but awkward pause, which Lindsay did not seem to particularly like. She said, "Wouldn't that be, like, so cool if you could sleep shop? Then you would never even have to leave the mall!"

"Good morning, ex-campers!"

The sudden voice was quite cheerful. Alarmingly so, perhaps. Ezekiel hadn't heard it much before, and not in a long while, but he recognized it instantly. And judging from the look of pure horror on Noah's face, he did too. Even Lindsay cocked her head, listening intently.

"Oh, I think that's… the other Chip! Is he your twin? Well, whatever. The important point is, he's come looking for us! Chip, over here!"

Ezekiel (and Lindsay) helped Noah drag Bridgette out from the bushes to the poolside, where most of their fellows had already gathered, many awake, but a few, like Noah, attached to sleeping partners. Tyler, out for the count, leaned against an exhausted Courtney, and Eva had Harold thrown awkwardly over one shoulder. Chris McClean, MC himself, stood in the midst of them, hands clasped behind his back, looking occasionally from one side to the other and beaming the whole while.

"Well, it's definitely nice to see all of your smiling faces again."

"What's your evil plan here?" Courtney snapped, giving Tyler's body a shake. "We've been kicked off that stupid island already. You can't do this to us anymore!"

"That's a funny thing about fine print, really. See, we had to punish a couple of interns who stole my jet skis couple days ago" - Ezekiel flinched at that - "and so we're a little short on hands today. Heh heh. _Hand_ cuffs. Anyway, I've had this idea for the final-six challenge, and since we've lost some interns, you guys and gals are going to be helping me test it out to be sure it's possible and survivable and those sorts of legal-type things."

"You can't do this," Courtney protested again.

"Did you have to pair me with Red?" Eva wanted to know, slapping Harold on the back.

"Yeah… I had one of our few remaining interns cuff you up in a way he thought would be 'interesting', so if you don't like your new friend then you should really try taking that up with him."

Thanks, Kevin.

"Did you drug us?" Noah asked, staring down at Bridgette's face. He poked at her cheek, then her ear, and she finally started to stir.

"Knock-out gas. We had some left over from, well, one of our previous challenges, more or less, and I really hate to be wasteful." Chris was still smirking. "Should wear off within a few more minutes. Are there any other questions?"

Voices broke out all around the pool, but the only words Ezekiel could make out were Courtney's, "You can't force us to do this! It's… against our contracts!"

"Okay, okay, fine." Chris brushed a smidgen of sand from the front of his shirt. "I'll tell you what- You people do this for me and I'll forget that you all stole my jet skis. Anyone who drops out will be forced to take responsibility for it, but they won't have to participate in this little challenge. There, now it's optional. Happy?"

Courtney growled under her breath and pulled the unconscious Tyler closer to her. "Let's get this over with, then."

"What plans do I have for all of you? I am so glad you asked." Chris bowed and pointed to the buffet table. In place of fruit and sandwich platters were seven bowls of pudding and trays of…

"Raw cookie dough?" Ezekiel asked hopefully.

"Your first task is the eating challenge. Each team will be made up of a feeder and an eater. Eaters must put both hands behind their back, which will, of course, make things more difficult for the feeders. Feeders will spoon pudding into the eaters' mouths, followed by the entire tray of, yes, Zeke, raw sugar cookie dough, one at a time. Winner is the first team to finish."

"That doesn't sound bad at all," Sadie gushed, and Cody nodded so enthusiastically that he sent their cuffs jingling like bells on a reindeer harness.

"Oh, don't worry. Your friends back at base camp will be served something a lot less pleasing to the taste buds, but hey, rotten chickens don't just grow on trees, know what I'm saying?"

Courtney began waving her hand. "Chris- Bridgette and Harold have already woken up, but my partner is unable to participate. I refuse to be put at an unfair disadvantage."

Chris merely shrugged. "Well, you've got a few more minutes to get him up and running as the other teams decide who will feed and who will eat, but hey, ain't my fault."

"Wha-" she started, but she was drowned out by a chattering of, " _You_ be the feeder," "No, _you_ be the feeder."

Ezekiel looked at Lindsay, who was staring distractedly at the pudding bowls and twirling a strand of hair around her finger. "I'm not so sure about this," she murmured. "We once had this eating contest back on the island and it was, like, full of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten in my life. This might be just another one of Kyle's mean tricks."

"S'okay, homes. _The Zeke_ is willin' a' take that chance for ya, eh."

"Aw, you are so sweet." She hugged his face, but released him just as quickly, still smiling. "You're almost as sweet as that boy Terry that I like."

"Ex-campers, to your places!"

Lindsay and Ezekiel approached the buffet table, and Ezekiel put his hands behind his back. This of course jerked Lindsay a bit by her cuffed wrist; she stepped on his foot and quickly apologized by stammering out, "Sorry, uh… Zach, was it?"

"It's Ze-"

"And… begin!"

Lindsay stabbed the pudding with her spoon. Ezekiel accepted the bite happily, and she scooped up more. A glance to his right showed that Courtney was stuffing sleeping Tyler's face ("C'mon Tyler! C'mon! Stop fighting me already! Suck it up! We are going to win this!") and Eva and the now-conscious Harold weren't doing much better.

"Can't breathe! Too much!"

"Shut up, Red."

To Lindsay, Ezekiel said, "This chocolate puddin' is really good, eh."

"Keep it up. You can do it, Xander," was her reply. She started shoveling more and more of it into his face, faster and faster. He could hardly get out a word between bites.

"I've just ne'er had puddin' like this kind afore, eh. Sweet and cool, maybe e'en some a' the best food I've e'er tasted. Heh. Guess ya were wrong when ya said this was just another a' Chris's tricks. Leave it to a girl a' make some silly mistake like that, eh. Mmm, ya really don't know what you're missin' here, homes. Sweet, cool puddin'…"

Lindsay's brows grew more and more furrowed as he rambled on, and finally she said, "Okay, Zippy, if it's so good, then eat it already!" and splattered a large spoonful onto his face without even trying. He coughed, but her only response was to stuff a ball of cookie dough into his mouth, quickly followed by the second the moment he got the first down. Even through his choking Ezekiel could hear her muttering, "No more camp, silly worrying, fresh desserts, leftovers, good for the skin, play along," under her breath, but by the time Harold and Eva were declared the winners, she seemed to have cheered up considerably. She even hugged him again.

"That was really fun, right? Even if we didn't win, I think that you might be like, the _best_ eater ever, Zeke!"

"Th-thanks, homes," he managed, struggling to remove her arms from around his neck so that he could breathe.

The next challenge turned out to be a canoe trip to Boney Island, much to the horror of many of the campers. Courtney in particular.

"That will take forever! We're on the opposite side of the island, and - hello - in case anyone has forgotten, I'm still stuck with a deadweight over here!"

"Sweet, I'm really good with canoes," Bridgette told Noah, and the two of them exchanged high-fives.

"Did he say island?" Lindsay asked, clinging to Ezekiel's arm with both hands. "The last time I was on an island, I almost drowned in quicksand. It was so scary. If Brody hadn't been there, Tristan and I would have died."

Courtney let out a groan. "Lindsay, we are on an island right _now_."

"Oh. Right." She looked mistrustfully at the ground, prodding it with the toe of her boot at every other step as Ezekiel led her over to the canoes.

"I've never rowed a canoe while wearing handcuffs. Is it really hard?"

"I dunno, homes. I ain't ne'er tried that either. Betcha lots a' people haven't." When she stopped to poke at the sand again he added, "'Sides, _The Zeke_ 'll protect ya from any quicksand, eh."

"Oh, okay. Um… What's 'The Zeke'? Is that a new kind of sunscreen?"

Ezekiel very nearly got her into the canoe right then, but Lindsay was easily distracted when Noah and Bridgette came by, and after rubbing their hair she confessed to Ezekiel that neither of them felt much like her puppy dog either. Upon hearing this, he did something he had seen Courtney and Trent do before, but had never done himself: He slapped himself in the eye. Unfortunately, he did this with the hand that was chained to Lindsay's, jerking her forward in the process; she knocked into him and he ended up falling back into their canoe, pulling her after him. They bonked heads.

"Oops," she giggled, sitting up. "Sorry, Xander."

He took his hand out of her stomach and groped for the side of the boat. "It's _Zeke_ , yo."

"Oh, I so get it now. You mean like the sunscreen, right? Can I have some too?"

Ezekiel thrust his oar into the lake, pushing their canoe out into open water. It turned out to be a lot more difficult than he'd expected. He'd never rowed a canoe before, and it dipped and swayed when he so much as shifted his weight. He had to constantly hold his left hand out behind him too, and on top of all that, Lindsay wasn't much of a paddler.

"Yo, are ya _braidin'_ my _hair_?"

"It's actually, like, a lot harder than it looks, you know. I mean, I did Noah's and Jasper's and I think Ted's back at camp once - they were easy - but some of the other boys, like, uh Tristan-"

"Stop touchin' my hair, homes," he retorted, and pushed her hand away.

"Why do you keep calling me that? That's not my name, you know. I'm Lindsay. It says so on my bandana - wanna see? Right here on this corner. L-I-N-D-S-A-Y, that's me."

"Oh, so ya _can_ spell your name."

For one split-second, the expression that crossed her face was absolute murder.

Wait, what?

Katie and Trent passed them by, then Courtney and Tyler, who was finally starting to stir. Lindsay waved to them with her bandana and called out, "Hi, Carrie! Hi, Taylor!" Ezekiel kept paddling, staring back at her over his shoulder.

"Lindsay, homie," he finally started.

"Yeah, what's up, Zeke?"

He was so distracted with glancing at the sky that it took him a moment to realize that she'd finally called him by his name again. He was about to congratulate her, and her hand flew to her mouth.

"Oh my gosh! I just called you by the name of the sunscreen! It won't happen again."

"No, no, Lindsay- I am _The Zeke_ , eh."

She hesitated. "Are you sure? Because you look more like Zach than sunscreen. Or maybe Xander." With a sigh she stared down at the oar across her lap. "I'm so bad with faces."

"You're tellin' me, dawg," he muttered under his breath, and tried pushing the canoe forward again.

"Heather used to tease me about how I wasn't good with names, but the names aren't really the problem. I'm really good at remembering names. Back home I have, like, _hundreds_ of friends. Do you have hundreds of friends, Zach? It gets really, really hard to remember all of them. One of them is even named Zeke, almost like you, and there's a Ted and a Taylor and a Terry…" Lindsay shook her head, looking up now. "But I'm really bad with faces. Daddy says that some people are, like, born with brains and some people are born with prettiness, which is kind of silly because everyone has a brain. I'm really lucky to have a brain _and_ prettiness, you know?" She didn't give him the chance to answer, but she finally did start paddling. "I think the last time I was in a canoe, I lay down on my boyfriend Terry's lap… and then it turned out later that it was actually _Tristan's_ lap I was on. It was _so_ embarrassing…" A sniffle escaped her lips.

"Uh… Lindsay, dawg," Ezekiel tried again. He stretched out their cuffed hands and tried giving her a pat on the knee.

"I mean, some of you guys are easy to remember. Like, before I got here, I'd never had a friend named Beth before, or Noah, or Heather, so I can usually remember them. But some of the others, well… it gets really, really hard to remember them all after a while." She hesitated, paddling almost aimlessly, and then added with a slight giggle, "Sometimes I mess up their names on purpose even when I remember them, because that makes it fair to everybody else, right?"

Ezekiel briefly glanced over his shoulder at her, only half-listening to her now as he tried to work up the speed of their canoe.

"I don't want the others to feel bad that I can remember some people's names all the time and theirs only sometimes. But I think everything would be so much easier if you weren't allowed to, like, share names, you know? Heather told me once that she thought I was dumb just because I can't always match names and faces, but that's not really fair, right? I mean, I'm smart in other ways. I can build things, and I'm really, really good at cheerleading and sports and that kind of stuff. I'm still smart even if I don't remember faces. You know… I actually think that maybe everyone can be smart and dumb in different ways, like how all the animals in the world are different too."

That last part caught his attention. "Yo, that… that's a real smart thing to say, Lindsay."

"Aw, you really are the sweetest. Almost as sweet as that boy I like. And- and I'm sorry for all the times that I messed up your name earlier. But now that I know your name sounds like sunscreen, maybe I'll be able to remember it."

"S'okay, homie. And y'know, I guess ya can call me Zach if ya really want to, eh?"

That made her pause and scratch her head. "Wait. I thought your name _was_ Zach. Okay, I am like, so confused right now…"


	23. Ahead in Navigating

He thrust the wooden head into her hands without even bothering to look at her. "Here ya go, homes. Eva was next."

"Are you sure? I thought she came back into the competition. How do we know she even counts?"

The question brought him actual pause, but not for long. He took the carving back from Lindsay and stacked it himself. "We've got two or three a' e'ery camper here, eh? We'll just put her head on twice."

"Oh look! It's me!" Lindsay hugged her own carved face, squealing with pure pleasure. After a few seconds she drew back and frowned. "Is my nose really that big?"

"We ain't there just yet, Lindsay dog. Help me find Noah first. Huh. Chris really had a lot a time on his hands. There must be 'least a hundred of 'em just on our table, eh?"

"Um… Jackson came next, right?" Lindsay put Harold's head atop Noah's. It fell off immediately and she said, "I guess not." She went to grab someone else, but Ezekiel jerked her back by their handcuffs and passed her Justin's face.

"How go the Totem Poles of Shame?" Chris wanted to know, weaving between tables. He paused by Courtney and Tyler's, chuckled once at their pitiful stack, then moved on to Katie and Trent. "You have twenty minutes remaining. Winner is whoever has the most poles finished by then."

"If he doesn't stop saying that," Eva muttered, slamming Sadie's head onto their second statue, "I might just have to punch him."

"I'll second you on that," Harold told her, but she told him to shut up.

The going went more smoothly as they neared the end of their pole and Lindsay actually started to remember the eliminations. She still made comments like, "Oh, I think he's the one that didn't want me to paint his nails," and "She was, like, so good in that challenge", but at least she was working now.

"Aw," she cooed, "I look so cute on the top. It's like I'm the queen."

Ezekiel searched one-handedly through the heap of wooden heads until he found his own. "And _The Zeke_ looks cold right at the bottom there, eh," and Lindsay nodded in agreement.

"You're like the king! We can be king and queen sandwich together." She hugged him, and for the umpteenth time that day Ezekiel found himself being choked by her surprisingly strong embrace. Except this time a certain someone was at last awake enough to watch them.

"Tyler," Courtney snapped, jerking at their chains, "focus on the totem already."

"Y-yeah… right. Heh heh. Let's see here… Oh, I'm up next. It's Tyler Time again, yeah!"

"Lindsay-dawg. Leggo. Choking. Heads."

"Oh yeah. I remember now. Second was Ava, then Noah, then Jasper-"

"Uh, that's _my_ head, homie."

"-then Kelly…" She proved a gifted balancer once she got the hang of it, and now that she had their previous totem for reference. And she was taller than him too, if just by a little bit. She had longer arms, at least, if nothing else. So he passed her the heads one by one and she stacked them up.

"Then, um, Herman… then Eva again… then Trevor…"

Ezekiel hesitated before passing her the next head. "Lindsay-dawg, you're a girl, and _The Zeke_ was wonderin' if ya could maybe kinda sorta… give him some advice, eh?"

She stopped what she was doing and abruptly grabbed hold of his cheeks. After staring into his face for a few long seconds she said, "Sparkly silver nail polish would _really_ bring out the blue-gray glint of your eyes."

He pushed her away, which was rather difficult considering that their hands were chained together. "'Tis not anythin' down like that, homes. There's just this… girl that I met, see-"

"Oh, is this a love story? Let me guess, let me guess." Lindsay lifted up one of heads. "Is it Cassie?"

"That's _Coourtney_ , homie."

"Oh, so you _do_ like her?"

He rolled his eyes and shrugged, predicting that she wouldn't stop badgering him until he agreed- all girls were like that, after all. "Not really, homes, but… she's pretty 'nough, I guess, so long as she ain't wearin' a silly chicken hat and has herself two good eyes, eh? Real smart too, but she's got a nasty temper and she's so haughty-"

Lindsay's uncuffed hand flew to her mouth. "Oh my gosh! I was right! Zach thinks that Courtney is hot!"

Curious gazes flicked their way. Courtney's look was a look of pure disgust. She snatched up the nearest head (Izzy's) and chucked it in his direction. It caught him directly between the eyes despite his flinch away; he gave a slight, "Youch!"

"Scrawny little creep! Gross! The only way I'd ever take you is if you were somehow even more desperate and pathetic than you are now, and that's so I could mold you into exactly the kind of boyfriend I want!"

Ezekiel pulled his toque down over his eyes. To Lindsay he grumbled, "Fine time to 'member her name, homes."

"Aw, thank you, Xander. You always know the right things to say."

" _Gagk!"_

Needless to say, it was a long rest of a totem-pole-building contest.

"Yes! We won! We won!" In her excitement Bridgette lifted up a startled Noah and twirled him around. "Heh! If this were the real competition, you and I would probably make one heck of a team!"

"We had fun though, right?" Lindsay asked Ezekiel, hugging him again. He was acutely aware of Tyler's eyes on him, and he was quick to wriggle away from Lindsay's grasp, nodding enthusiastically and stammering something like, "Yeah, yeah, homie. Word."

Chris began shooing them away with, "All right, all right people, that's enough. Back to your canoes already. One of the interns will unlock your handcuffs when you get back to the mainland. You're all off duty now. Except for you," he added, pointing at Cody and Sadie. "Since your team didn't finish even one totem - For shame - you two get to stay here until you're finished cleaning up all these… head… things."

Since he was half-expecting Lindsay to volunteer to help them, Ezekiel wasted no time in dragging her to the shore. Several of the other teams were there already. Eva smacked Harold with her paddle as he tried to tell her some fascinating fact about wood carvings. Courtney was chewing up Tyler for all the time he had spent unconscious rather than helping their team. Noah, already standing in their rickety canoe, was offering Bridgette his hand; she took it with a chuckle and a "Don't worry, I haven't touched peanut butter since that whole incident with Zeke."

Apparently Ezekiel wasn't the only one to notice this last exchange, because Lindsay murmured, "Aw, that's so sweet of him," under her breath, and as they pushed their canoe into the water she nodded to the boat on their opposite side. "Huh. Jason over there isn't being nearly as nice to Beth. Instead of helping her in, he's acting like she isn't even there. He's like… the _Anti-Noah_."

"Tch. Ya got that right, homes. One's all 'bout his brains, the other's all 'bout his looks. Ya should a' seen 'em goin' at each other o'er cards and with the paintball guns, eh." Their canoe now safely out in open water, Ezekiel scrambled over its side. He made a polite point of helping Lindsay in, and after another lung-crushing hug they were off again.

"Zach… you told me that you liked Cassie, so is it okay if I, like, tell you something about the boy that I like too? Something that's sorta secret?"

"Uh… Yeah, okay. Go for it, homie."

She played with her hair for several minutes, then with his hair, and with a nervous laugh she finally said, "I, um… I don't exactly remember what my Terry looks like."

"… You're rippin' off an arm and a leg a' mine here. Ya what? But Tyla's courtin' ya or somethin', ain't he? How can ya forget what your own courter looks like?"

"I'm, like, _so_ much better at recognizing people by their shape and height than by their face or voice. That's why Owen and Dexter and Jasper are so easy to recognize, because they're really big and strong. Beth is small and Heather has really long and pretty black hair. Then I guess you have your hat, and I can remember that, uh, (Harvey, wasn't it?) has red hair. Other than that he's also like, really scrawny and small and he looks a lot like you, you know?"

That explained why Courtney had once gotten them confused in the dark, he supposed. No, that hadn't been a fun evening.

"And Noah, well… He's pretty much the only other face I can remember, because his name is Noah and I've never met a Noah before. But I just know that someday I'm going to mix him and Taylor up, because they both have longish dark hair and I guess are kinda shortish and… You know, now that Terry's been gone for so long, all I can think about is my old friend Terry from back home, and they look _totally_ different. It gets really confusing sometimes."

Ezekiel wondered how Lindsay could remember the face of an old friend better than she could remember someone she had seen only a few weeks ago. Then there was Noah, who had been eliminated _before_ Tyler, wasn't courting Lindsay, was hardly even her friend, and yet she'd still recognized _him_?

"Tyla wears a red shirt, Lindsay-dawg," he told her, and her jaw dropped.

"Oh my gosh! Really? All this time I thought… Oh, this is so embarrassing! I can't believe it! How can I make this up to him?"

They rowed their canoe in silence until they reached the Playa Des Loser shore. They had hardly hit solid ground before Lindsay scrambled out, dragging Ezekiel after her. Noah and Bridgette were just getting their hands uncuffed when Lindsay suddenly tackled them from behind. The fumble was a brief one, and then she had Noah's face in her hands. He gave a slight gasp and tried to shove her away, but she was faster. She planted a huge kiss right on his lips; when she finally stopped, she hugged him so hard that he started to choke.

"I'm so sorry, Teddy! All this time I thought you were _Noah_!"

Bridgette and Ezekiel worked together to drag her off, much to her confusion, and once they'd wrestled the handcuffs from her wrist, Bridgette led Lindsay back to the beached canoes so they could wait for her real courter to row in. Ezekiel stayed back on the dock with the puzzled Noah.

"Yo, are ya feelin' all right, homes? You're lookin' a little… green, eh?"

He grimaced. "My first kiss, and it's from some… talkative, brainless, hyperactive, memory-challenged girl that I don't even know." With a moan, Noah began rubbing his palms into his eye sockets. "Please… don't tell Tyler. I've had enough humiliation for one week."

Ezekiel touched his throat and shivered at the thought of facing another of Lindsay's crushing hugs. " _The Zeke_ 's got no problem with that idea, eh."

They stood there as Trent and Katie's canoe pulled in, and then Noah gave a sudden mirthless laugh. "The Anti-Me would've loved all that, I'm sure. That'd be just like him." To Ezekiel's surprise, Noah crossed his eyes and turned his voice up into a high falsetto, mimicking Justin with one hand sock-puppet style. 'That's right, Lindsay, _I_ am Tyler. Go ahead and smooch me all you want, why don't you? I have no moral shame and don't care about taking advantage of your brains, or lack thereof'."

Lindsay looked over at them, thoroughly confused, and Ezekiel was half-expecting her to run up and kiss Noah's fingers, but Trent and Katie passed by her then, and they had to get their hair rubbed in case they felt at all like her little puppy-dog. She seemed to have forgotten all about Noah by the time she was done, and that was just fine with him. Ezekiel helped him take advantage of her distraction by sneaking Noah back into the hotel where he could brush his teeth.

…

"You. Are. Sick." She jabbed him in the chest with each word, then yanked his toque down over his eyes for good measure. "If you think I would _ever_ want to be with _you_ -"

"N-nope! 'Tis all just a misunderstandin', homie!"

"Scrawny, sexist little creep! I swear, if you think you can try anything - anything - on me, then you've got another thing coming to you!" As he peeked out from beneath his hat, she held up one of his wooden heads from Boney Island. In her other hand she clutched a rather vicious-looking kitchen knife.

"C-Coourtney, homes-"

She stabbed him in the ear with her knife. The ear of his carved face, at least. "You boys are all the same," she growled, shredding off long curls of wood. They rained around her, decorating the toes of his boots as they fell like snowflakes. "You're all such primal _animals_. It's disgusting." He'd lost his ears already, so his nose was the next thing to go. Courtney sawed halfway through it before she suddenly yanked the knife away and pointed it at his actual face. She was standing a few steps away, but she still made a terrifying sight. "You're never going to get anywhere in life if you don't drop the whole sexist act."

"Well, I just-"

"Seriously Ezekiel, it isn't cute and it isn't funny. It just makes you look like an idiot." A deft swipe severed the rest of his nose. "Someday you're going to have to stop playing dumb and just grow up."

He flinched back when she began gouging out one of his wooden eyes. "Uh…"

Courtney tapped him on the nose - his real nose - with the tip of her knife's handle. "Don't toy with me. You aren't my type. You could never _be_ my type. In one hundred million years, I will never go out on a single date with you. Never. Never. Never. No matter how much grovel and snivel, or how pathetic you look. There's nothing you could ever do in this life or the next to convince me that you are worth my time to drag you from your sorry state into the perfect guy I'm searching for. Drop the dream and move on."

"Y-ya didn't use that knife for spreadin' peanut butter… didya?"

"Just remember what I said and we'll be able to continue getting along _just_ fine." She shoved the head into his stomach, hissed, "And don't you ever call me 'hot' again," and stalked away down the hall.

"Oh, and P.S.," she threw back over her shoulder, "You don't stand a chance with Bridgette either, and unless you get your act together, you don't stand a chance with anyone. Not even that _Beth_ girl would _ever_ want to go out with a scrawny, sexist little creep like you, and she was _raised_ alongside pigs."

He screwed his eyelids up tight. "… Coourtney? Dawg? Tch. Well… I just think that girls shout too much, eh?"

No sooner had she gone then Tyler appeared around the corner, stumbling as though Courtney had just shoved him from behind. He gave a grunt as he hit the wall, then another as he tripped over his own feet and went sprawling across the floor.

"Here, homes. _The Zeke_ 'll help ya up."

"Heh, thanks. Zed, bud, we gotta have a talk."

"Yo, yo, dawg, havin' Lindsay huggin' me was not my idea. She wouldn't stop doin' it after e'erythin' I said, eh? Made it hard for _The Zeke_ to e'en breathe."

"She does that," Tyler said fondly, looking away down the hall. "No one is safe from my Lindsay's hugs, heh. That's one of the things I like about her. But it can make things awkward. Like, I don't even wanna tell ya what happened with Harold." Tyler placed a hand on Ezekiel's shoulder. "Well Zed, I just came looking for you to say that there are no hard feelings 'bout her hugging ya, man. My Lindsay sees nothing wrong with hugging all the other dudes on the island, but so long as ya don't try to kiss her or anything, we're all good here."

"Sure, homes," Ezekiel said weakly, thinking of Noah. "I'd ne'er let that happen. Ne'er!"

With one last pat good-bye, Tyler left. Ezekiel, who did not want to stick around this particular hallway lest someone _else_ come by to chew him up, quickly followed suit.


	24. Moose Tracks

Chris came back for them only two days later, but this time he actually had them gather of their own volition rather than resorting to knock-out gas, which was always nice. But he _did_ come for them, and they _were_ required to attend, and no one was really happy about that. Even Lindsay wore a scowl and murmured about how her nails were only half-painted.

"Tonight's challenge is a horror-movie theme back at camp, and you lucky ex-campers are gonna get to return to your old stomping grounds and participate in the scare factor."

"That might not suck," Eva said, elbowing Ezekiel hard in the ribs and giving him her best _I-Will-Rip-You-Apart_ face, complete with clawed fingers. His imitation of her must have been good, because she let out a scoff and shoved him to the ground.

"Yeah. Here's the dealio. In six hours your buddies back at base camp will start watching a horror movie. Something about an escaped psycho killer in the woods with a chainsaw and a hook. Their task is to survive a real-life horror movie, and _your_ task will be to help Psycho-Killer Chef either scare them into our main forest tent or into wetting themselves. Whichever comes first."

"But you can't make us do this," Courtney protested. "We're no interns!"

"The new recruits won't arrive here until tomorrow," Chris told her cheerfully, and before she could leap into her usual speech about contracts and lawyers he added, "Hey, if you people do this for me, I'll forget that you crashed two of my jet skis. Whadaya say now, huh?"

Noah narrowed his eyes. "You told us you would forget about that if we guinea-pigged your silly handcuff challenge."

"I said that I would forgive you for stealin' 'em. Now I'll forgive you for crashin' 'em. There _is_ a world of difference."

There were also many groans.

"I know. Nasty, aren't I? Heh heh. Here's the catch: Your buds at camp, as well as millions of TV-viewers, aren't supposed to know that you're still here on the island. We can't show you guys and gals on camera, so every time you do get picked up, our producers have to cut the scene. And if we have to cut right at the _kill_ , so to speak… Well, let's just say that reenacting doesn't make for good reality TV, and digital editing don't come cheap, so… Just keep that in mind, 'kay? Or else the escaped psycho killer with a chain saw and a hook might get really, royally ticked off."

"But-" Courtney started.

"We have to stay _away_ from the cameras?" Lindsay wailed. "That's so hard and completely unfair!"

Chris had brought a large cardboard box with him, and he started tossing out random equipment as he assigned the ex-campers into groups. "Mauled by a Bear, Skunk Scent, Thing One and Thing Two? You guys are Team A. Then Lover Boy, Beauty Queen, Tiki Doll, and Harold-Hunter, Team B. Dodgeball Dodger, Homeschool, and Courtney-Bait, you guys are the main Sound Squad, so you'll probably want this. Then last, but still not quite least, we have Tracksuit, Iron Woman, and Flirtaholic. Join forces, butt heads, whatever you want if it'll make you work harder- just make it good and don't let the campers catch you in the act."

"But what are we supposed to do with this?" Courtney demanded, holding up the item Chris had tossed her. "This is just a pack of fudge mix."

"And _The Zeke_ ain't got any idea how to work this sound thing, eh."

Chris shrugged and climbed back onto his ATV. "For awhile I was convinced that most of you have brains. Get creative here. Wouldn't be much of challenge if I told you all what to do, now would it?" Without waiting for a reply he roared off in a cloud of dust. By the time the ex-campers had recovered from their coughing fit, he was gone.

"Oh, he is so going down someday!" For a moment more Courtney glared into the trees, then grabbed hold of Beth, Trent, and Lindsay and dragged them away with a grumble of, "I was a C.I.T."

Harold took the sound box from Ezekiel and inspected it from all angles. "This appears it might be a rather complex system, and Chris said that the movie starts in only six hours. I vote that we start setting up right away if we want to try making it play all over the woods and stuff. If we can even get it to do that, gosh. All these little pieces inside this little casing…"

"I vote we just get it over with as soon as possible." Noah seconded. Ezekiel merely shrugged and the three of them set off into the forest. Their silence did not last long.

"Don't worry about a thing, Zeke. I know all about wiring and special effects and stuff. I once spent an entire summer at Director Steve's Filming Camp, after all. Although," he added with a slight frown, "I'm not sure I've ever tried using… this… thing before."

"There's somethin' on the side right there, homie. That's sure a' make some sorta sounds, eh?"

Harold twisted the dial and for a moment they listened to the noise of a revving engine as they continued through the trees.

"Yeah, now I'm terrified."

"Gosh."

"Could be 'staken for a chainsaw or somethin'," Ezekiel pointed out. He turned the dial himself and the cry of a moose filled the air.

"A male's mating call," Harold predicted. "Awesome. If we could lure a female moose right into the camp…"

"Actually 'tis a female's call, homes. Male's grunt, female's sorta wail. Like this: _Mahhhh!_ "

"Really? Awesome."

"Grunting in a pathetic attempt to attract a girl? Gee, sounds like a few certain someones I happen to know."

Ezekiel rifled through the remaining sounds as they walked, coming up with heavy breathing, accordion music, crackling branches, a toilet flush, a crowd of sports fans, a car crash, and an ice cream truck. Finally he shrugged and passed the speaker back to Harold. "Yo, we should start lookin' for a good place a' hide it or somethin', eh?"

"Just stash it in the bushes by the cabins and be done with it."

"Lame," Harold snapped at them both, hugging the speaker to his chest. "Your insensitivity of art and creativity is glaring obvious. Gosh."

"Well, what do you suggest then, O-Harold-Who-Once-Spent-A-Summer-At-Film-Camp?"

Ezekiel touched Harold's shoulder with the ends of his fingers. "Yo, don't let him get a' ya, dog. He's still just a little upset 'bout the fact that he had a' ask Eva to open his water bottle for him this mornin', eh?"

Noah didn't react, much to Ezekiel's disappointment, and at last Harold said, "Fine. We'll put it up in that tree there, gosh. Here, Noah."

"What, you want me to climb up there? I said we should stuff it in the bushes."

"We can't get too close to camp while it's still so light. They'll see us. And besides, if they find a speaker in the bushes, we could get in, like, a whole lot of trouble. They'd know it's all a trick and Chris would be mad and stuff. At least the trees offer more cover."

Huffing, Noah rubbed his forehead with his knuckles. "Fine. Just hook it up now and then we can come back and play gaffers when it gets dark. Here."

"Why are you giving it to me? I may have mad skills, but I'm not really much of a climber."

"We'll rock-paper-scissors for it then."

"A'right, a'right, dawgs! _The Zeke_ 'll do it for ya. If for no other reason than quietin' ya both up, eh?" Ezekiel stuffed the speaker into his shirt and then tucked the hem of his hoody into the waistband of his jeans. Perhaps not the best way to go about it, but it would have to do. He'd need both hands for shimmying up the tree. "No worries, homes. I used a' do this back home in the woods all the time."

For a moment they watched, and then to Noah Harold said, "Dang. That's going to be really hard to climb in the dark. Maybe we should've just chosen a tree with lower branches and stuff."

"Maybe we should've just hidden the speaker in the bushes like I suggested."

"Maybe we should've just climbed onto one of the cabins instead."

"Maybe you should listen to what I have to say for once."

"Gosh, maybe you should stop being so negative all the time."

"Maybe you should just shut up."

At the same time the two of them broke out into a slight slap fight, the speaker slipped out from Ezekiel's shirt. It bounced off the nearest branch, switching its dial onto moose-call setting as it did. He gave a strangled, "No!" but it turned out that he didn't need to worry. The speaker caught between a fork in the branches and held.

"S'okay," he called down to Noah and Harold; they briefly stopped their fight to watch him scramble among the branches. " _The Zeke_ 's got this under control. Word!"

"You know, the world's tallest living tree is named Hyperion. It's located in northern California, and most people think it should be illegal to even touch it, let alone climb it and stuff."

"At this point I'm starting to think it should be illegal to even talk to you."

"In Alaska, it's illegal to talk to someone while they moose hunt," Harold offered.

It was then that the moose made its appearance. It charged out from the forest and slammed straight into Harold's chest, effectively pinning him against the tree with its heavy antlers. Both Noah and Harold were too startled by this to even cry out, but Ezekiel did it for them.

"Moose! Angry, angry moose, eh! Kill it, homes! Kill it!"

"Kill it? I think it just _kill_ ed Harold!"

The moose snorted and tossed its head. Its antler caught Harold as it suddenly turned, sending him flying into Noah. They crashed to the ground in a heap of arms and legs; Noah yelped, a woozy Harold lifted his head, and Ezekiel shouted, "Zombies!"

It was two more minutes before the moose call was finally switched off, four more before the creature actually left them, and perhaps six more after that before any of them even moved- and then that was only because Justin, Tyler, and Eva had come by, their arms loaded down with pineapple, potato chips, and cans of bug spray, and started to give them strange looks.

Unanimously, they decided not to use the moose call or the tree again after that.

…

"Put that flashlight away already, _gosh_. They'll see us up here."

"They're too busy watching the bloodbath. They won't even notice, and right now I'm using it."

"You're reading a book."

"Yes, I believe that's usually the sort of thing that people my age read."

"Tch. Well, I just think that if he wants to take the blame for crashin' Chris's jet skis, then _The Zeke_ isn't gonna be the one to stop him, eh?"

"That was you, Bridgette, Tyler, and Trent, and Trent even got the concussion to prove it."

"We're on a mission here, gosh!" Harold snatched away the flashlight, but other than a slight flinch Noah didn't even react. Ezekiel saw him narrow his eyes, but they were still darting back and forth across the page.

"Ya can still see… can't ya, homes?"

"More or less. There's a full moon out and I have excellent night vision. Comes from a lot of nights spent reading under my covers and in dark closets and locked basements. It's a gift."

"Dang. Your siblings actually did that to you? Aside from verbal teasing, the worst thing my brother does to me is shove me down the stairs. After a few years of that I developed mad reflex and balancing skills."

"You'll ruin your eyes, eh."

Noah was about to reply, but Harold cut him off. "Shh. I hear noises and stuff."

Crunching. Soft, like dead grass or pine needles, or maybe fallen leaves on particularly dry dirt. Even Noah put aside his book and flattened himself to the roof of the Gopher cabin. Four shapes moved from the forest and crept across the open common area, black-on-black.

"Ouch. That was my foot, man."

"Tyler?"

"Um… the camp sure looks so much scarier when it's this dark out. And when we're trying to mess with our old friends."

"Shut up. You don't want them to hear us."

"Beth, Lindsay, Courtney, and Trent," Noah reported. "They've got something with them. It looks like… a plate of brownies."

"Certainly smells like brownies, eh," murmured Ezekiel, feeling saliva suddenly rush over his tongue.

"I thought Courtney said they were fudge."

"It don't make much of a difference either way, homie."

"Technically-"

Noah and Ezekiel both clamped their hands over Harold's mouth as the lead silhouette (and it was Courtney, Ezekiel was quite sure) abruptly stopped walking. She faced the Gopher cabin, staring for a moment, then shook her head and motioned to the rest of her group to follow her. They slipped into the main lodge, brownies and all.

"Gosh," Harold muttered, peeling their hands away from his face. "That was uncalled for. I might have passed out, but I once spent two weeks at Scuba Steve's Underwater Camp."

Harold went on like this for quite awhile as the campers finished their movie and broke into an argument over whether or not Chris was trying to fool them with all this horror nonsense. At last Ezekiel simply bopped him on the head and Noah pinched Harold's lips shut a second time. In silence they watched another shape, this one a legitimate camper (Harold had called her Heather earlier), enter the cabin below them. At a nod from Noah, Ezekiel leaned over the edge of the roof, the speaker clutched tightly in the crook of one arm, and held it just above the open side window. He switched the dial first to crackling branches and then to heavy breathing.

"I'm not falling for any of your stupid tricks, Chris!" Heather called from the inside. "You can't fool me!"

"Huh. Guess she might actually be smarter'n she looks, yo."

"Shh, Zeke. She might hear you."

"Someone should go down there and knock on the door. Red Herring, Double-Daring, you're up."

"Me? Why me? Why can't you get Zeke to do it?"

"Well, I'm kinda danglin' off the roof with the speaker here, homes."

"And I'm kind of the only thing keeping him from falling on his head."

"My love lives are at stake here. Leshawna will be furious if she catches me knocking on the door of the girls' cabin when Heather is changing in there, and Heather will be furious if she finds out that I'm helping Chris and stuff."

"And _I_ will be furious if you stay here on the roof. The least you could do is help me hold Homeschool up. His ankles are slipping."

The decision was made for them as Heather flung open the door and marched off in the direction of the communal bathrooms, her arms loaded down with towels and shampoos and other beauty products Ezekiel couldn't quite make out in the dark and didn't care for anyway. Harold urged them to follow her, and after several long minutes spent arguing about it, they finally dropped down from the cabin roof.

"But I swear, if you try to open the door or peek through a window, I will smack you. There is no way I'm going to let her catch us and have Chris make _me_ take the blame for the jet-ski-crashing incident."

"Okay, _go-osh!_ "

They tried the toilet-flushing sound effect and then the revving engine that could possibly be mistaken for a chainsaw, but never heard Heather respond, even when they all started throwing pebbles at the window.

"She's too smart for us," Harold said at last. "We'll never be able to defeat a non-believer."

"Shh… D'ya hear that, homie?"

Harold cocked his head. "I'm definitely picking up footsteps and voices here. It sounds like… Geoff and DJ." He drew in a quick breath, then grabbed Noah's arm with one hand and Ezekiel's with the other. "Quick, into the trees! If they're out here, then Duncan's gotta be with them!"

"Um, okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to remember Chris saying that we're supposed to be out here scaring the remaining contestants, not the other way around."

"No time for that now, Noah. This is survival of the fittest we're talking about, gosh. Come on." So into the trees they went to watch and wait.

"Okay, no matter what," DJ was saying, "you do _not_ leave. Not if you _hear_ a psycho, not if you _see_ a psycho. Not if the psycho is slashing you to bits."

"Dude, no worries- I got your back," was Geoff's calm reply, and a nervous DJ stepped into the restroom. Noah gave a snort of disapproval.

"Yeah, way too easy. All we have to do is lure Cowboy away and scaring Mama's Boy will be a cinch. That'll be two down and only a few more to go. Maybe then Chris will finally give us a break from all this interning biz."

The answer came to Ezekiel as he was scratching the back of his neck, staring in the general direction of the main lodge where Courtney had gone with the brownies. He twisted the dial of the speaker, and Geoff immediately perked up as happy music began to trickle into the air.

"Ice cream? No way!"

Ezekiel moved deeper into the forest, waving for Noah and Harold to follow. Geoff tagged after them at a distance like a faithful sheepdog, and they went on like this for perhaps half an hour before any of them even spoke.

"This is just getting pathetic. How long do you think we have to keep it up?"

Harold merely shrugged. "Like, until Psycho-Killer Chef comes by to get him, I suppose, or until we find Chris's command tent and stuff." He started softly humming along with the ice cream truck music and, apparently to Noah's disgust, Ezekiel joined in.

"Okay, I'll bite. I would hate to be eliminated at the end of a horror challenge, but this might actually be worse. You two are almost as bad as all my tone-deaf nieces and nephews put together."

They shared many jokes at Noah's expense while he had his hands tightly folded over his ears.


	25. Tie the Not

"Yo, if it were Coody or Katie or Eva or Noah or anyone else's birthday, 'cept maybe Justin or Coourtney's, then _The Zeke_ 'd help out with makin' a cake for them too, but 'tis not, eh. Give it a break a'ready."

DJ stated matter-of-factly, "You like her."

He cracked the egg perfectly and tossed the shells into the garbage, not even turning around or pausing from his work when he answered. "Yo, yo, dawg, there ain't nothin' wrong with that. Bri'gette… Bri'gette's real special, eh. She's pretty and funny and smart… Oh, and she e'en saved me back on Boney Island, eh."

"After causing you to have an allergic reaction in the first place is what I heard."

"She 'pologized and e'erythin'. And she fixed the hole in my hoody too. Right here, eh." Ezekiel traced the stitches on his sleeve with a flour-dusted finger and smiled. "Aw, she's the one that's meant for me, homes."

"But she's sort of involved… I mean…"

"Yeah?"

DJ scratched his neck, then sighed. "Bridgette is… Well, she's a pretty likable girl. Say that there's maybe someone back at camp who really likes her too, and maybe she kinda likes him back. What would you do then?"

"Who d'ya mean, homie?"

"Oh… you know, man… Just theoretically. Just say that she did."

Ezekiel picked up a whisk and tapped it against his hand. "Well, I just think that if it's only hypothetical, there really ain't nothin' a' be worryin' about then, eh. Here ya go, homes. Use this a' stir up the batter."

"Okay, say that you and Bridgette did hook up after the show is all over. Girl's a vegetarian. You feeling me, man? She'd probably flip out if she ever saw you even look at a hamburger."

"… So?"

"And you live out on the prairie, don't you? Think about it. A surfer out on the plains, no water as far as the eye can see… Would that really make her happy?"

"Bri'gette… could get used a' the farm," he protested, voice cracking. "And maybe she could teach _The Zeke_ how to swim proper-like too, eh. No more fear a' drownin' out in the ocean or nothin'. See? All better."

DJ lifted the whisk from the mixing bowl, counting off all the reasons why Ezekiel was wrong and causing batter to fly in small splashes. "Out in the middle of nowhere. Far apart from one another. Can't just hop a ride on a bus. Gas prices are spiking something awful. Little too far out of the way for biking. Come on, Foster. Work with me."

"We could make it work, dawg…"

"Yeah? And how so?"

Ezekiel had no reply, though he scratched his head quite a bit trying to think of one. Finally he sighed. "I dunno, homie. _The Zeke_ 's just not really sure how this whole courtin' thing is e'en supposed a' really go, eh. I keep tryin' a' talk to her, but it seems like she's always tryin' a surf or she's chattin' with Lindsay or Trent. She can e'en get _Noah_ to stop readin' and talk with her- She's just that good, eh."

DJ poured the batter into the cake pan and then set it in the oven. Once, if Marcia had caught them doing such a thing, she would have smacked their hands with her dishrag until they turned black and blue. Tara and Samantha never would have let them get this far. But ever since Chris had started losing his interns…

"Well, I don't know, man. Maybe Bridgette just isn't interested in you. Did you ever think about that?"

"But… She fixed up my sleeve, dawg. She waited for _The Zeke_ to wake so she could deliver it personally. And she said that if there was e'er anythin' she could do to make up for the whole peanut incident, I should just let her know, eh. Ya can't say she ain't at least a little interested in _The Zeke_ after all that." He paused, picking at a thread at the end of his sleeve, then let out a sigh. "Yo, yo, homie… Girl's are so weird and complicated, eh?"

DJ looked like he wanted to say something, something in protest, but he seemed to hesitate when he saw Ezekiel's crestfallen face, and then he too sighed. "Okay, Zeke, you're my buddy, and I'm real grateful to you for keeping an eye on Bunny for me yesterday, so I'm gonna be fair and not play favorites so heavy." The big guy crouched down and placed one flour-dusted hand on Ezekiel's shoulder. "Be the hyena."

"Be the hyena?"

"Exactly. Close your eyes. Go on- I'm not gonna hurt you, man. There we go. Now, imagine that Bridgette is a beautiful and sweet but very hungry lioness who has finally managed to take down a gazelle, and now she's eating it. You arrive, as the hyena, and you want to get in on the action. Move with confidence, but skirt the edges. Drop hints that you're interested, but respect her boundaries. Understand that patience is the greatest virtue. If you charge down for the kill while the lions are still eating…"

"Then the hyena gets his neck snapped and he don't get the food?" Ezekiel asked, sighing. "'Tis not really what Coody said. He said it was more like tryin' a break a horse. Ya just gotta keep comin' back no matter how many times ya get 'jected, and that some girls just like playin' hard a' get is all, eh?" He tapped his fingernails on the counter top, then said, "Yo, Coody… Coody doesn't actually have a girl, does he?"

DJ shook his head, and Ezekiel slumped back against the counter. "Aw, shoot…"

…

"Uh, happy birthday, Bri'gette! We, uh… we don't have any candles, but this is for you, yo."

"Oh, really?" She accepted the platter with only slight hesitation. "That's so… thoughtful of you. How'd you know?"

"Lindsay mentioned it a' me s'all. _The Zeke_ thought that since Chris pro'lly wasn't gonna celebrate your birthday, he'd go ahead and make the cake for ya, eh?"

Bridgette swiped the frosting with her thumbnail and winced slightly when she tasted it. She caught herself at once. But he had seen. "Wow. Did you make it yourself?"

"Uh, not… really. I mean, DJ and _The Zeke_ worked on bakin' the cake itself, but Noah and Trent and Coody did the frostin' stuff. And Katie and Sadie and Lindsay and Eva did the decoratin'." They looked at the cake together. There was a slight elbow print on one side from when Trent had shoved Noah backwards. 'Hapy Happy 17ndst Brigit' was scrawled in three contrasting colors courtesy of Lindsay. Katie and Sadie had gotten into a fight when the latter's butterfly decorations had obscured the former's flowers, and spurts of frosting had been flung about at random. Cody had snuck a handful of cake from one side, and Trent's second coat of frosting hadn't been quite enough to cover the lopsidedness of the dent. Ironically, Eva seemed to be the only one who hadn't damaged it in any way. True, candy bones and tombstones had been her chosen decorations, and Noah now had more frosting on him than their dessert did, but technically she hadn't damaged the cake itself.

Ezekiel covered his face with his hands.

"No, Zeke, I'm grateful for the cake. I really am. I think it's really, uh…" Bridgette tasted the frosting on her thumbnail again, then dipped another finger into it and smeared a quick streak across Ezekiel's cheek. "… sweet."

He glanced away, rubbing his shoulder with one hand and touching his face with the other. "Ya don't gotta sugarcoat it or nothin'. I know the cake, uh, stinks, eh?"

That made her laugh. "Okay, the cake _does_ stink. I'm not going to deny that, but still, it was a nice gesture, and I _so_ appreciate it. Hey, it's better than another bowl of sloppy oatmeal back at camp, am I right?"

"I, uh… I wouldn't really know," he mumbled, shifting his feet. "Oh, but yeah! Yeah, you're _totally_ right, Bri'gette! Sloppy oatmeal. Heh. That's funny."

Bridgette paused, the cake slicer in her hand hovering above an empty plate, just looking at him for a few long seconds. Then she nodded, gave a slight, strained smile, and went back to slicing. As soon as her back was turned, Ezekiel smacked his forehead with his palm.

"Tch…"

He delivered the cake to each of his fellow ex-campers one by one, and making a point of doing it one by one as it meant he could constantly travel back to the buffet table where Bridgette was still slicing her birthday cake. Katie and Sadie accepted their servings quite happily, as did Cody, but Trent and Tyler were a bit harder to convince. They nodded and smiled, but Ezekiel knew that most of their food had gone to feeding DJ's pet rabbit. Or perhaps to Harold- Even after all this time, Tyler refused to see that sneaky redhead as a traitor.

"Yo, yo, homeslices," he greeted, joining Lindsay and Beth at the smoothie bar. Bridgette had squeezed between Courtney and Noah, and Ezekiel wasn't exactly on favorable terms with the two of them right now. "Wicked job with the frostin' on the cake, Lindsay."

"I know, right? My pencilship came out, like, _so_ much better than I thought it would."

"And your cursive 'B's are real pretty, Linds."

"Aw, thanks, my Beth-Friend-Forever." Lindsay embraced her, nearly pulling them both from their stools and into the water, but Beth managed to push away Lindsay's arms before such a thing could happen.

"So, uh, Zeke, have they already sung 'Happy Birthday' to Bridgette yet?"

He shook his head, opening his mouth to reply, but Lindsay beat him to it.

"It's Bridgette's birthday? Was I supposed to bring presents?" She looked frantically around, then lunged across the tiki bar counter, snatched up half of a coconut that someone had left behind, and quickly filled it with a cherry-flavored smoothie. "Well, that's one down. What next?"

Ezekiel shared shrugs with Beth, then tasted his food. As he had expected, the underside that he and DJ had made was fine, but Noah, Cody, and Trent had completely ruined Bridgette's cake with their frosting. He would definitely have to bring that up with them.

"Oh. My. Gosh." Something had shocked Lindsay; a bite of cake fell from her fork and into her lap. "Erica and Teddy just got _married_? Now I need to get presents for _them_ too?"

"Huh?" Ezekiel had spent weeks alongside Eva and Noah and many days with Lindsay. He had nicknames pretty pat-down at this point, and when he glanced past her shoulder he wasn't surprised to see that she had been referring to Eva and Noah. "Yo, what are ya talkin' 'bout, homie?"

"Well, they're smashing cake into each other's faces. That's what people do after they get married. Duh." She grabbed one of Ezekiel's hands and one of Beth's, and this time she actually did pull them from their seats. "Come on! Let's go and congratulate them!"

"Uh, no, Lindsay dawg-"

"No, Linds, please don't-"

"Don't-"

Apparently you could say a lot of things about Lindsay, but she had a grip to rival Eva's. Ezekiel and Beth both whined and squirmed, but she held on anyway.

"Beth," he hissed to her, jerking on his own wrist, "this is gonna go real badly now, yo. 'Tis gonna be a big ol' explosion or somethin', eh. If they kill me in the, uh, all the fire-cross, I want ya to give my 'Z' to Katie and my hat to Bri'gette, and ya can have my hoody."

"And if you live but I die, then I want you to have my batons, okay? And half my nail polish collection too, because even if she kills us, I already did kinda promise Lindsay the other half."

"Yeah, okay, homes."

Lindsay dragged them away from the smoothie bar and only released them to tackle-hug Noah from behind. "Oh my gosh, like, congratulations! I'm _so_ happy for you both!"

He gave a surprisingly pig-like squeal of outrage, but not exactly from the hug itself. He tried to push her away, but he wasn't quite fast enough, and with Lindsay holding him in place he wasn't able to dodge the bowl of peaches and pineapple and strawberries that Eva then dumped over his head. For a moment they all sat there quietly, just watching as Noah looked down at his frosting-coated, food-splattered self, and other than Lindsay's whimpered, "Eww…", Eva was the first one to break the silence.

"Heh. And now you really are a fruitcake, Fruitcake!"

Noah blinked once. He blinked again. The giggling started up around him.

Ezekiel and Beth had scurried in opposite directions, respectively searching for safe places to hide. He looked over at her when he heard Eva's words, and she looked back at him. Ezekiel mouthed, "He's finally gonna kill her now, eh," and she put a hand to her ear and mouthed back what looked like, "I can't hear you, Zeke."

Either way, Ezekiel knew he was right. He had spent perhaps five or six weeks with Noah now, and in that time he and Eva had both done some pretty nasty things to him. They had teased and taunted, they had pushed and pulled, they had prodded and poked. They had thrown him and dragged him and carried him all over Playa Des Losers. Now, sitting there alone, dripping wet, while everyone, his friends Eva and Cody and Bridgette included, laughed at him, all because of Lindsay, whom he had yet to forgive for what had happened after the handcuff challenge, he was finally going to break.

Noah picked a frosting-smeared strawberry from near his elbow and popped it into his mouth. Ezekiel sucked in a breath, as did several of the others, as he waited for the inevitable explosion of rage to occur. He hovered there and hovered there, watching and hiding, but it did not come. Instead, Noah looked up at Eva, wrapped his arms around himself, and began to laugh.

"Okay," he gasped out between his chuckles, "you win."

"Aw," Lindsay gushed, taking one of Eva's hands and one of Noah's in her own, "you two fight and make up again like you're already old, or something like that."

Ezekiel mouthed, "A'right, so now he'll just kill _her_ , eh," in Beth's general direction, but because she wasn't watching him, she didn't notice.

"Okay, so, um… Did I, like, miss the wedding kiss already? I mean does it come _before_ the cake smashing, or is it after?"

"… What?" That was Eva, who actually seemed speechless. At first Ezekiel wasn't sure if Noah had even heard them, as he had gone back to picking fruit off himself, but he finally did speak, and when he did he didn't even look up.

"Yeah, right. Iron Woman and I got married, her fat lips injured me more than her fists ever have, she nearly suffocated me with all of those cake crumbs and that terrible frosting, and you missed all of it."

"Aw, really?" Lindsay wrapped her arms around Noah, causing him to choke. She didn't seem to notice, as she continued with, "Well, you'll just have to do it all again so that I can see, right? Oh my gosh, I _really_ love weddings. _Eee_!"

Noah started frantically waving to Eva, pointing to his neck, but she made no move to stop Lindsay from strangling him. Instead she stood there, arms folded, and said simply, "I would never, ever kiss Fruitcake. Pretty Boy, no questions, but never Fruitcake."

Ezekiel finally decided to take pity on Noah, and as he started helping Bridgette try to pull Lindsay's arms away he heard her say to Eva, "Aw, why not? Like, even _I_ kissed him once when I thought he was Taylor. Oh my gosh, that was totally embarrassing…"

Bridgette and Ezekiel both cringed at the memory, and Noah probably would have as well were he not so close to passing out. A frantic glance around the pool reassured Ezekiel that Tyler was nowhere in sight, so if Lindsay didn't kill Noah first, hopefully Tyler wouldn't see the need to either.

Eva only chortled. "Nice," she told Noah, patting him on his frosting-covered head. "Real nice, Fruitcake."

He threw a peach at her.

"He is really nice, isn't he?" Lindsay asked, smiling brightly up at Eva. "I mean, he didn't even yell at me for the kiss. He's kinda like the Anti-Jason, you know, except _so_ much less cool and hunky and stylish, but he is _really_ smart… Mmm, and his hair smells just like pineapple. Aw, after me and Terry, you two are going to be, like, the cutest couple at the whole spa!"

Ezekiel and Bridgette finally got Lindsay's arms from around Noah, and one look at her face told him everything: _Most. Awkward. Birthday. Ever._ And none of it would have happened if he hadn't tried baking her the cake in the first place. A cake that she hadn't even seemed to like.

Well, shoot.


	26. Eva Teaches Flirting 101

She laughed when he fell off the treadmill, but she made him get back on, saying something along the lines of, "We've gotta get ya back into shape, Homeschool. You've really let yourself go. And what happened to Red and Fruitcake? I thought I had them on the other…" She stopped abruptly and put her hands on her hips, just watching him for a moment. Finally she said, "You run like a girl."

He slipped then, falling backwards and sliding right off the end; he sat there on the floor and looked back at her. "Aw, c' _mon_ , homes," he protested.

"Up on your feet now, Homeschool. You've got ten minutes to go. Chop, chop."

He dragged himself back up, muttering, "Yo, _The Zeke_ does not run like a girl."

"No," Eva said, starting to grin, "he runs like a lady. An elderly lady in a big, dumb dress. Now back onto the treadmill. C'mon, Homeschool."

Ezekiel glared at her, folded his arms, then slumped against the wall. That made her tip up the right side of her brow.

"Are you throwing a temper tantrum on me?"

"Well, I just don't get why this is really fair, eh? I mean, e'erytime I say somethin' like that, you go and try stranglin' me, but it's okay when _you_ 're the one sayin' bad stuff 'bout girls?"

She stared at him with a look he knew well: The look that said _Holy freaking cow, Homeschool, you're less intelligent than that dumb Goldilocks girl._

"You really don't know anything about the real world, do you, Homeschool? It's like this: It's okay for a guy to insult another guy, and it's okay for a girl to insult another girl. It's okay for a _girl_ to insult a guy, but if a guy insults a girl, then that'd make him a sexist. That's the way it works."

"But that ain't fair, homie," he protested, shrinking further against the wall as she took a slight step closer to him.

"Tough break. I didn't make the rules. I just follow 'em 'cuz they favor me. Now are you gonna get back on the treadmill or not?"

"I-"

"I'll give you a hint- you don't have a choice, ya tubby pussycat. And from now on, no more ice cream for breakfast."

At the 'pussycat' part, Ezekiel flung his arms out in front of him, palms upturned, shoulders lifted high, imitating something he had once seen Noah do in a sort of _See, that's exactly what I mean_ kind of way. But he wasn't about to back out now and so he did what he was told.

The whirr of the treadmill and the thumping of his frantic feet filled his ears. Beneath the noise he heard Eva say, "Why are you such a little misogynist anyway, Homeschool?"

" _What?"_ He went spilling a third time, slamming face-first into the belt. He scrambled up quickly, spluttering, _"What'd_ ya just call me?"

"I just asked why you hate girls so much. Yeesh."

Ezekiel stared at her a moment more, fingers trembling, then scoffed and turned his head away. "I don't hate girls. I just… doon't like 'em very much is all, eh."

"I can see that for myself, Homeschool. Just thought I'd bother asking why. No need to bite my head off over it. Your accent's slipping again."

"Well… just think that you're one to talk, seein' as you-"

"I would suggest you stop that sentence right there."

"Tch… Well, _The Zeke_ is done with this… running machinery gadget thing now, eh. He's goin' back out to the pool."

"To fail at flirting with that backstabbing Bass girl."

Ezekiel didn't know much about slang, but he did know what flirting was, and hearing Eva say that to his face almost kind of sort of… hurt. Was he that obvious? And yet Bridgette still hadn't caught on, either to encourage him or to chase him off? He put his hand on the doorknob, but Eva leaned against the wood then, holding it firmly shut while she stared at him, arms folded. He held her gaze for about six seconds before her lips began to twitch. She snorted once, then started cracking out in laughter.

"Aw, don't bother denying it, Homeschool. We've all seen you. Our scrawny little sexist pining after a girl. Who would a' thought?"

"I ne'er tried denyin' it. Not like Coourtney and that one Dustin guy she keeps goin' on about." Ezekiel put his forehead to the door and sighed. "Bri'gette is real special. She's the kinda girl who'd try savin' ya from a stampede a' horses, eh?"

"Huh. After what happened yesterday, I thought we already established that she isn't into you." She put a hand on his shoulder and shoved him backwards. "Get over yourself, Homeschool."

"Eva, homie," he said, turning to her and clasping his hands together, "you're a girl."

"Really? What was your first clue?"

"Ya've gotta help me out, homes. What should _The Zeke_ do to get her a' like him?"

"You're asking _me_ for romantic advice? In case you haven't noticed, Homeschool, aside from my" - here she made airquotes - " _husband_ Fruitcake, I'm not exactly on friendly terms with any of the guys here at this dump."

Well, beggers couldn't be choosers.

…

It turned out that working chocolate into casual conversation was a lot harder than Ezekiel would have guessed.

"Are you sure 'bout this, homes?"

"Come on, Homeschool. Everyone loves candy. Even _I_ am a fan of Three Musketeers. Even snarky, hard-headed, black-hearted, sarcastic Fruitcake melts at the sight of candy corn- you saw him. All _you've_ gotta do is figure out what she likes, and then get it for her. Easy. Now hurry up, before you lose your chance and make me try to bail you out again."

He sighed. "Well, uh… How does _The Zeke_ look now, eh?"

"Dumb. Like usual." She slapped his hands when he tried to readjust his toque for the third time in two minutes. "Just go out there and talk to her already, Homeschool. Turn on the charm, wait for the signal, and if it's good then go for it and if it's bad then bail. I'll be over here to watch. Now, get hustling. I don't have all day. And look, Pigtails and Creampuff are over there next to her. They'll be able to back you up. And if all else fails, act like Fruitcake. She seems to get along with him well enough. Just don't screw up. That's the most important part."

Ezekiel took the chair beside Katie and Sadie, waiting for a break in their conversation with Bridgette. He started by asking her what she liked most about Playa Des Losers, and as expected she answered 'The great food'. But before he could convince her to elaborate on that, she moved on, talking about how she'd also missed all her old friends who had been voted off, and that it was great to get to spend time with them again, especially Courtney, who was a great and understanding friend, and Harold, whom she'd never had a chance to thank for saving her from plunging into a pool of eels, and DJ, whom she compared to a marshmallow, and even Noah, for being so cool about her accidentally smacking him in the face with a dodgeball when he wasn't even on the court.

Then he tried leaving, and he came back a few minutes later with a paper plate loaded down with fruit, chips, and half a sandwich, and told Bridgette that sandwiches reminded him of how they'd become friends. She agreed, and even teased him about how she hoped his food was peanut-free. With a bit of quick-thinking and some help on Katie's part, Ezekiel carefully guided the conversation towards peanut-free candy, but Sadie - and he could have sworn she did it intentionally just to spite him - started rambling on about how her sister Cindy had a peanut allergy, which had first been discovered when she and Katie had made cookies for her.

"Oh my gosh, I _totally_ remember that! That was like, so sad… And you know what else was so sad? When Cindy dropped her wedding ring down that grate and-"

"Oh yeah! And that reminds me of that time that Zeke here got his arm stuck in the pool filter-"

"Oh my gosh, you told me about that! I wish I could have been there to see that!"

"Yeah, but you were sick, remember? Just like that one time on that camping trip to that mountain place-"

"I totally threw up everywhere, didn't I? I'm still so mad that you stayed behind to babysit me instead of going out sledding."

This was going nowhere.

Ezekiel waved Cody over to their little group, as the other boy's face was smeared in chocolate and his arms were heavily loaded down with candy bars. While Katie and Sadie were gushing on, he tried convincing Cody to share his candy with the three of them. A bit of a slapping fight broke out when Cody refused, and Bridgette did not seem impressed as she watched them. Not good.

But eventually he did managed to wheedle her favorite candy out her: Peanut Butter Cups.

And, well… now he was in trouble.

…

"Aw man, _The Zeke_ really ain't so sure 'bout this. I mean, thanks a' that Coody eatin' nearly all the candy we had. And then Trent says Owen is prob'ly likely a' still have some stuffed 'neath his bed back at the cabins… walkin' through the dangerous forest… And on top a' all that, _The Zeke_ has a peanut allergy!"

"You do realize that if you say that again I'm going to have to consider killing you, right, Zeke?" Justin didn't even glance up from his mirror as he said it, only tilted it back and forth in his hands, catching the sunlight as they walked through the trees. "Have you ever listened to someone repeat themself for the fourth time in, what's it been now, ten minutes? It can make you get very angry very fast, and anger is really killer on the face. Ouch."

"Tch. You're only helpin' me with this 'cuz ya wanna get away from Katie'n Sadie, eh? Ya've always got girls fallin' over ya. You don't get what it's like for the rest a' us."

"It was either help pathetic homeschooled kid succeed with deadly stealth mission or spend yet another few hours with those two picking through my hair. It shouldn't be that hard to figure out, Zeke."

He twitched his nose. "Well, I just think that we should've tried harder at gettin' Eva to come along with us too, yo. She and Noah were real good with the ropes when we were on the roof, and tryin' a' rescue Harold shouldn't be so different'n rescuin' some candy, eh? 'Least I wouldn't be worryin' 'bout runnin' into anotha big ol' angry moose, and watchin' her make goo-ga eyes at ya and tryin' a' pretend like she wasn't might've e'en been helpful too." Justin said nothing, and a moment later Ezekiel gave a groan. "Aw man, _The Zeke_ really ain't so sure 'bout this."

" _Cinq_ , Zeke. Don't make this the _cinqeth_ time you've repeated yourself since we've been out here, okay?"

Ezekiel slouch-walked after Justin, and when he couldn't take the silence anymore he finally said, "How d'ya do it, eh? Get all the girls a' like ya? Will ya teach me?"

Justin chuckled. "What can I say? I'm naturally this good-looking. It's almost ridiculous, really. Check out these muscles. Huh, see? See me flex? Now watch when I flex this way."

"Yeah… okay, homes."

"Y'know, maybe if you tried acting a little more like _moi_ , you could actually become more than just another one of these sad rejects." Justin swung his arm around Ezekiel's shoulders, showing Ezekiel his mirror so that he could see the two of them. "You and I could even form a bit of an… alliance, if you would."

"But, uh, the competish is kinda o'er now, homie. Y'know, _The Zeke_ was the first one out, and all…"

"Zeke, come on, work with me here. You're my little buddy, remember? I'll tell you what. _I_ help _you_ win over your girl, _you_ pay _me_ back someday with a teensy, weensy little favor. What do you say to that, huh?"

Ezekiel never had the chance to respond, because as he was watching Justin rubbing his cheek and admiring his reflection in the mirror, a certain someone ninja-rolled out from behind a tree and came up on her knees. She shot Justin in the shoulder with her tranquilizer gun before he could react, and he went down with a gasp and a moan of pain.

"… Whoops," she said, pressing a hand to her mouth.

Ezekiel instantly threw his hands into the air to cover his face, yelling, "Izzy, don't shoot _The Zeke_ , eh!"

"Zeke?" She lit up. "Hey, Zeke! Wow, funny meeting _you_ out here! What are the odds of that, am I right? Hey, are you really Zeke, or just, like, an alien clone of him? How cool would that be, right? Oh, oh, this one time I got abducted by aliens-" Izzy grabbed him by the neck, put him in a headlock, yanked off his hat, took a fistful of his hair, and gave it a few careful sniffs before she finally let him go. "Nope, nope! You're the real thing all right."

"Uh, Iz-"

"Hey, if you're the real Zeke, what are you doing out here, like, in the forest and stuff? 'Cuz this is still the same foresty island, isn't it? Of course it is! I couldn't have just, like, _walked_ right off the edge of the island or something without even noticing, heh heh…" She had her elbow on his shoulder, and she was laughing and slapping her leg. Her closeness was now making him feel very uncomfortable. "Imagine _walking_ right off the edge of an island and, like, falling into a bottomless pit of nothingness… Oh, that would be great, I would _so_ pay to see that, heh heh, that would be so great. Hey, shouldn't you be back at the You-Know-Where that I'm not supposed to mention to the others and stuff, Chris's gag orders and all?"

He pushed her arm away, mainly her hand as it was pointing the tranquilizer gun dangerously close to his face. "Uh… right. Well, uh, _The Zeke_ was just- Yo, shouldn't ya be tryin' a' do somethin' with Justin now? Like, I dunno…check and be sure he ain't _dead?_ "

"Aw, him," Izzy said, blowing a raspberry and rolling her eyes. "I am _so_ over that guy, no matter how hot he is. I even hooked up with Owen! Well, sort of. I'm kinda considering breaking up with him after the whole Owen-shoves-Izzy-into-the-psycho-killer thing, but, y'know, who can really stay mad at that big boy, huh? Plus, today alone I've already shot, like, Chef and Heather with this here baby too, and they're both gonna be just fine. You know, once their… paralysis wears off and everything."

They both looked down at the unconscious Justin.

"Uh, right. Izzy, homes, _The Zeke_ 's gotta go now, so…"

"Go? But you just got here! You can't go right now- I haven't finished catching you up on all the cool things that've happened to me since I came back here! I'd take you back to camp with me and, like, show you around, but Chris'd pro'lly _freak_ if he caught you there. What was that thing he said that one time when I, like, tried bringing back Trent so he could see Gwen after that whole awkward kissing-Heather thing? Too bad that didn't really work out, 'cuz I'm sure her reaction would've been _so_ awesome. Oh yeah." Laughing and snorting, Izzy raised her arms above her head and growled out, "'The campers and audience aren't supposed to know that you rejects are still hanging around on the other side of the island, so even though watching you take down that bear to save Trent was wicked cool, we have to leave it out in the final cuts'."

"O… kay?"

"Yeah, so even if something, like, totally awesome happened, like if aliens suddenly showed up and turned Justin here into a giant cheeseburger and then we ate him, no one would ever know, and I guess this whole conversation we're having right now won't make it in either. Sad, huh?" Izzy sighed happily and rested one hand against her face, staring up at the sky. "Yeah…"

"So, uh…" He scratched his elbow. "D'ya have a challenge ya need a' get back to or somethin'? 'Cuz _The Zeke_ could use a favor if you doon't. See, he really needs ta get some Reese's Peanut Butter cups, and he's allergic, so-"

Izzy flung her arms around him, yanked him close, and kissed him for a soft five or so seconds, lips snuggling together like the pages of a book; Ezekiel was much too stunned to react even after she let him go. She snatched up her tranquilizer gun and ran off into the trees cackling, "How d'ya like that, Chris? Izzy just made out with a guy who wasn't Owen, and you can't show it in your final cuts, so now no one will ever know, ha ha ha ha ha! Sit tight, Zekey! I'll be right back with those Peanut Cups you want!"

"… Aw, shoot."

After four hours of anxious pacing and watching for predators and scattering angry gophers and rejecting everything that Izzy brought him, Ezekiel at last trudged back into Playa Des Losers, dragging a half-paralyzed but conscious Justin behind him. After delivering his companion safely to the infirmary, Ezekiel searched out Bridgette near the hot tub and tossed the plastic-bag-wrapped Peanut Butter Cups at her feet. Izzy had, at last, managed to bring him some, and she hinted that an ATV and a snake were involved. He didn't ask. He'd had enough.

"Here ya go, Bri'gette," he said, collapsing face-down into the nearest pool chair. "You've got no idea what _The Zeke_ had a' go through to get these for ya, eh?"


	27. Pony Express

He was smiling.

And not only was he smiling, but he was wearing his swim trunks, and for once he hadn't brought his book outside with him. He had his feet in the pool, and was good-naturedly splashing water back at Eva after she'd splashed him while he was eating his candy. He hadn't even complained to Lindsay when she'd called him Tyler ("Well, at least she got his name right this time - that's worth something.") and when DJ had made a joke about Owen at the buffet table, he'd even laughed at it.

It was official. Noah was three times scarier when he was happy. Ezekiel mentioned this to Beth, and she snickered and snorted before chastising him for his rude comment. Through her giggles, of course.

And, as if to make matters worse, he had DJ's bunny on his lap and was absently patting him now and again like the villain in some old spy movie. Even from his distant seat at the tiki bar, it made Ezekiel uneasy to even look at him too long, let alone try talking to him. Clearly he was up to something.

It was the candy corn. Noah had received it just this morning during the sudden package-from-home delivery… influx thing. Now it was noon and already the bag was more than halfway gone. Eva had told him that he would give himself a stomachache if kept up the snacking, and he had agreed with her rather happily, merely saying that such a thing would be "Worth it".

"Tch," Ezekiel muttered to Beth. "Lucky, euh, skunk. Least he's enjoin' himself, eh. All _The Zeke_ got in his box was more a' his Vitamin-D deficiency medicine."

"I'd offer to let you borrow some of these new hair elastics I got whenever you wanted to use them if it would make you feel better, but…"

"No thanks, homes."

"Didn't think so. Friendship necklace? It _was_ a friendship bracelet, until it got a little… stretched. Then I ran out of the thread that Bridgette let me borrow when I was working on Lindsay, Katie, and Sadie's bracelets, so I made yours out of macaroni, feathers, and those packing peanuts from all the boxes." She hesitated, her hand hovering over his outstretched palm. "We are friends, aren't we, Zeke?"

"Yeah, word. Why shouldn't we be, eh?"

"You said my braces made me look like a beaver that had been chewing iron bars," she stated, flat as roadkill, and he winced.

"Well, uh… That doesn't mean you're not still pretty, homie."

Beth blinked. She blinked again. "You think I'm pretty?"

"All girls are pretty. 'Tis one a' the requirements a' bein' a girl, eh?"

"That's so… sweet, I guess." Beth dropped the necklace into his hand and closed his fingers over it. "Well, even if you're a guy, I guess you're sort of pretty too. In a guyish kind of way."

"Thanks…?"

Beth helped him tie the necklace behind his head, and so neither of them were watching the side of the hotel; they both jumped and yelped when a loud, strangled whinny sounded over the area.

"Wha-?"

But then suddenly Beth was bouncing up and down in her seat and clapping like mad. "Oh, I _love_ horses!"

And there was Izzy, charging out from around the side of the building, riding bare-backed across a great yellow stallion, not even side-saddle as a lady should. She gave a great whoop as she and her horse leapt over the heads of Bridgette and DJ in their lawn chairs, nearly slammed into Tyler and Justin by the buffet table, and caused Katie and Sadie to simultaneously try jumping into one another's arms. She had a thick rope stuck through its mouth like a bit, and she pulled back on the "reins" with a cry of, "Whoa there, pretty boy, _whoa_!"

The horse snorted and snarled as she dragged it from full gallop to a slight trot, and its hooves crashed into the water as Izzy guided it towards the smoothie bar where Beth and Ezekiel sat, and she dismounted, reins in hand. Her lasso splashed beside her.

"Aw," Beth cooed, stroking the horse's nose, "aren't you just the cutest?"

"Get away from me, eh!" was Ezekiel's shout when the beast started snuffling at his face. He scrambled back onto the counter shouting, "Call it off, Izzy-dawg! He's gonna try and eat me!"

"Aw, my Fluffykins wouldn't do that. Would he? Would he, little Fluffykins? Ow! Hey, hey! No biting! Ha ha! Nearly got me that time, huh? Really, he's quite tame. We're good friends now that he's over that whole Izzy-shoots-him-with-a-tranquilizer-gun incident yesterday, right, my little Fluffykins?"

This interaction did not exactly reassure Ezekiel. "Yo, dawg- _The Zeke_ 's been 'round horses _real_ up close and personal, but he ain't ne'er seen one like this afore. 'Tis huge, eh."

"He's big all right, but he wouldn't hurt a fly. Ouch! Hey, I thought I told you to stop biting, you silly duck, duck, goose." Izzy, still clutching the vine-like reins, leaped onto Fluffykins' back once again. With a final wave to Beth and Ezekiel and a "Hi-yah, mush! Mush!", she trotted off in search of someone else to torment for a while.

"Tch. Thought that crazy girl was gonna try and run me o'er. She'll get us all killed one a' these days, yo."

Beth followed his gaze to where Izzy was lassoing Lindsay with another of her ropes. "I think that you might be right."

"Ooh, ooh, now that the princess is mine, let's play a game! Yeah, this will be a great idea! I'll be the evil queen that kidnaps Lindsay and then Tyler can try to, like, chase me down and come and rescue her and stuff, like in the fairy tales! I love fairies- I'm, like, one two-hundredth pixie or something, you know? That's why I have such great hearing, but it would've been cooler if I had, like, pointed ears and stuff. Wouldn't that have been cool?"

"I get to be the princess?" Lindsay asked as Izzy yanked her up onto the horse beside her, still bound by the lasso of rope. "Oh my gosh, _eeek_! I always got to be the princess back home, because I'm the prettiest."

"Okay now! Ready, set, go!" Izzy kicked her heels into Fluffykins' sides, and as they sprinted away Izzy cackled back over her shoulder, "Better come and catch me fast, Tyler, before I feed her to the sharks!"

"Sh-sharks? Lindsay? Lindsay! I'm coming for ya, Linds! It's Tyler Time!" Tyler struck a heroic pose and then ran off in the direction Izzy and Lindsay had gone. He made it maybe four yards be before he tripped over his own feet.

"Calm down there, Feathers," Eva said, picking him up by the back of his tracksuit. "Loony-Birdie won't actually kill her. They'll come back here on their dumb horse in just a minute."

"Oh, heh… Right. It's probably silly of me to assume they wouldn't."

There were two loud screeches then: A drawn out, " _Eeeeekkkkk_!" and a cheerful, "Oh, cool! Izzy _loves_ bears, ha ha!"

Eva looked first at a startled Noah, then a horrified DJ, then in the general direction of the forest where the two girls had gone.

"Then again," she commented as Tyler took off running, "I have been proven wrong before!"

Then Izzy shouted again, and all of them were moving.

"When _The Zeke_ ran 'cross Izzy in the forest yesterday-" Ezekiel gasped out, trying to keep up with Noah (the other boy was a surprisingly fast runner despite how many times he'd insisted that sports weren't his flambé) "-she kept goin' on 'bout how Chris'd have to cut out the conversation she was havin' with me 'cuz the audience wasn't s'posed a' know we were still here on the island, eh. Ya don't think she'd really try feedin' Lindsay to the bears or sharks thinkin' that she could get away with it or somethin', would she?"

Noah shrugged and stuffed another handful of candy corn into his mouth. "I have no idea. but run faster. If Lindsay dies, we're _all_ going to be in trouble, and I can't afford to have that I was a noninterfering bystander on my permanent record."

…

"Haha! So we meet again, Pretty-Boy, and I see that you've brought all your friends with you too. Well, except for Tyler over here, who's a little - heh - tied up at the moment with Lindsay. But hey, you probably already know that, 'cuz even though you're not nearly as smart as Izzy Atalanta Garcia, it's not like you're blind or something, am I right?"

"Fishcakes," Justin said, making hand motions like sock puppets, "I'm going to walk up there slowly, okay? You're going to let me untie Tyler and Lindsay, and then I'm going to walk away."

"Slim chance, Pretty-Boy! Come and get me!"

Noah snorted- clearly unhappy that he had to agree with his self-proclaimed rival. "Nobody make any sudden movements or loud noises that could possibly startle her in any way."

She stood there, far, far away up the hill, sitting like a proud princess with Tyler, bound with rope, propped up against a tree on one side, and Lindsay up against another, apparently making absent comments about this or that. As far as Izzy was, however, she almost seemed to hear Noah's words, as she cupped her hands to her mouth and shouted back, "Haha, Izzy walks on the wild side! Check this out! Hi-yah! Onward, noble steed!"

Ezekiel felt his limbs lock.

She spurred Fluffykins forward, pumping her fist in air and shouting, "Woo-hoo, Izzy is the man! Woman! Whatever! Get out of the way, guys! You'll never take me alive!"

She was far, but quickly gaining speed. Ex-campers dove for cover all around Ezekiel as Izzy charged down the slope towards them, laughing like a madwoman, times ten. Only a few of them stood where they were, numb with shock, wide gazes locked on the whinnying Fuzzykins and his maniacal rider.

"No, no, the fishcake girl wouldn't trample me," Justin protested. "She's just a little feisty, that's what it is-"

"Shut up and move already, Pretty-Boy!" Eva shouted back, shoving him away. She then grabbed the frozen Beth by the shoulders and started to rattle her- Ezekiel could see them out of the corner of his eye, but that was all. He fell to his hands and knees, gasping like a suckling piglet.

"Oh, come on, Zeke! Move out of her way!"

He started to shake his head, very slightly and rapidly, eyes wide and round, utterly stiff for a few more seconds. Izzy was only waving and laughing, calling out, "Hey Zeke, Izzy's gonna run you over if you don't get out of the way, haha! Ooh, ooh, maybe we'll get lucky and be able to jump his head! What do you think, Fluffykins?"

"Get up! Homeschool, get up!"

"Aw, forget this," Eva snarled from somewhere to his right. Would she come for him? Did he hear her footsteps? Or were those only the hooves of Izzy's crazed horse? He tried to crawl, but the world trembled beneath his hands. Ezekiel threw himself to one side, screaming and covering his head, his ears ringing with Izzy's taunts of, "Come on, Fluffykins, close as you can get and then a leap! Okay, okay, just another ten or so seconds…"

Ezekiel wrapped his arms around his head. Time froze.

Then he heard something that sounded suspiciously like, "Justin! Take off your shirt, man!"

"What? At a time like _this_?"

"Just do it already, okay, dude?"

Perhaps he fainted somewhere around then, because Ezekiel could have sworn he saw stars.

…

"What the heck was that, I ask you? Some rescue. Now Zeke and Izzy both need medical attention. Everything would have been fine if we hadn't gone chasing after Lindsay. That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. Better not have gotten on camera. You hear that, Chris? Better not have gotten that on camera!"

…

"Well, this sucks."

"Ooh, that's going to bruise nicely. If it's not broken. I almost feel bad for the thing's hooves."

"Nah, I think Birdie did more damage to him than the dumb horse did. Red and that Bridgette girl went to take it away, didn't they? Have they come back yet?"

…

"This is all your fault, you know."

"Heh heh, wow… Okay, so I know I like, might have gotten a little carried away, but I swear, I've had _tons_ of experience with horses since I've spent so long living with my animal friends, and I totally knew what I was doing, uh-huh. I would have cleared him by a meter. Izzy is an experienced rider. If he hadn't sat up right when my Fuzzykins, like, swerved and I fell off his back…"

"Technically, if Trent hadn't yelled for Justin to take his shirt off-"

"Shut up, Harold."

…

"Aw man, Linds… I did this to him. My own friend the Z-Man."

"But Izzy was the one that fell on him, right?"

"Yeah, but y'know… Getting everyone to help chase after you and her and the horse was all my idea."

"Do you think he'd wake up if we got someone to kiss him? You know, like true love's kiss? That always works in the movies. Maybe Erica will kiss him."

…

"Equinophobia, the fear of horses, also known as hippophobia, can, like many other fears, generally cause panic, trembling, shortness of breath-"

"Shut up, Harold."

…

"Ooh, ooh, did he lose any teeth when I, like, crashed into him? If he did, then can I have them? I swear I'd, like, put them to so much better use than Noah would. He has false teeth, did you know that? That's why he isn't afraid that all those candy corn-"

"I do not. My teeth are real."

"Oh yeah? Then prove it."

"Izzy, get your unhygienic fingers out of my mouth! I'm serious! Ugh, aren't any of you going to try and stop her?"

"Give me half your remaining candy corn and I will."

"Nevah mind. Let her shtay."

…

"Haha, so like, I wasn't sure what kind of flowers he'd want us to use for his funeral, so I just picked a whole bunch! I, like, had to fight a few piranhas for this orange one here-"

"Shut up, Izzy."

…

"… Zeke?"

He rubbed his fists into his eye sockets. "My head… Wow, eh?"

Katie and Sadie were there by his bedside, staring at him and whispering to one another behind their hands, and Trent stood close by. He appeared extremely guilty about something or other, as he was scratching at the back of his neck and couldn't hold eye contact for more than a few seconds.

"Trent, dawg-"

"I'm sorry, man," he interrupted, "it was a completely stupid idea. I should have just run out there and pulled you to safety- there would have been more than enough time for that. Ah, stupid, stupid. What was I thinking?"

Ezekiel tried looking at him, occasionally giving long two- or three-second blinks. "S'okay," he finally mumbled. "Izzy nearly ran me o'er with the horse… Least ya kept that from happenin', eh? Gettin' hit by her s'not so bad as gettin' hit by the horse…" He attempted a feeble smile. "Ya kinda saved me, homes. Heh. If you were a girl, _The Zeke_ 'd pro'bly try kissin' ya, eh?"

Grimace. "Yeah, that's okay. There's really no need for any of that."

"A'right, homes. Heh. Whate'er ya say."

Trent sighed and began rubbing his temples. "That was completely stupid of me. Aw man, Zeke. I hope you can forgive me."

"What?"

"Well, I mean… your head is probably going to hurt for awhile, and Izzy's horse sort of smashed up one of your hands, so it'll have to be kept bandaged for a few days…"

Ezekiel hadn't noticed the hand. His right fingers didn't move very well, even when he slid his eyes down to it and threw all his energy into twitching them.

"Huh. That's it?"

"Uh… Well, I guess so. I mean, Izzy fell off the horse at about eighty kilometers an hour when she slammed into your head, and then the horse hit your hand pretty hard, but… I guess other than that you should probably be fine." When Ezekiel said nothing Trent hesitated, then said, "Is there any chance that… I mean, you seemed pretty paralyzed back there. Are you afraid of… horses?"

Ezekiel broke into a yawn. Then, still smiling and blinking, he nestled back into his pillow, curling his injured hand up close to his chest. "Yeah, only when they're tryin' a run me o'er, homes. Only… when they're tryin'… a' run me… o'er… Yeah…"


	28. His Royal Highness

"A'right, so havin' a clunky ol' plaster cast 'round my hand mostly stinks, but 'tis only s'posed a' be for a day or two 'fore it comes off, and there's at least one good thing 'bout havin' it, eh."

Beth cocked her head. "What's that, Zeke?"

Grinning triumphantly, he held up a chocolate bar in his uninjured left hand. "Gettin' all a' these wicked, euh, 'Get Well Soon' gifts from all a' ya guys. Word. Hey, Noah homie!" Ezekiel removed his fingers from the small bucket they'd been resting in. "Ice's all melted now, yo. Mind bringin' _The Zeke_ out a fresh supply?"

The two of them were sitting in the hot tub, and Noah was nearby on one of the pool chairs. He looked up, scowling furiously when Ezekiel called his name. Then he slammed his book shut, stood, marched over, and snatched up the bucket so fast that it nearly smacked Ezekiel in the side of the head.

"It would be my royal pleasure, your majesty," he said stiffly, and walked away.

"And that," Ezekiel told Beth, "is th'other best part a' havin' my hand all smashed up. Now _The Zeke_ 's the one who gets a' boss Coourtney and Eva and Noah 'round here."

She started tapping her fingers together as she watched Noah go. "Um, well… Maybe you shouldn't do that so much, Zeke. It's… not very nice, you know?"

"Tch. Well, I just think it's only fair, eh. They're the ones that were always doin' that a' _me_."

"And that's just what I mean." Beth shrugged at him. "You're better than that, right? So you shouldn't sink down to their level. I mean, just 'cuz they used to pick on you before you injured your hand doesn't mean that you should pick on them now that the tables are sorta turned. It's one of the rules of niceness."

He took off his sunglasses. "Yo, yo, dawg. _The Zeke_ tried bein' nice once. He ended up havin' Izzy run him o'er with a horse, and none a' his ' _friends_ ' tried savin' him."

"Trent and Justin helped you," Beth offered, her face blushing pink.

"And they were the only ones who did, eh. 'Tis like I keep sayin'." Ezekiel folded his arms, which was surprisingly difficult to do when his right arm weighed so much more than usual. "Girls are just too worried 'bout their hair and clothes and nails to e'er try savin' someone from death or serious injury, yo."

Beth sat there in the water, growing redder and redder and even a little bit purple, and then Noah came back with the bucket of ice. He set it on the ground with a grumble of, "Will that be all, your majesty?"

"Yeah, uh, thanks homes. You're excused now, eh?" To Beth he added, "See, Noah's my homie. He's e'en treatin' _The Zeke_ like a king, which is more than Katie or Sadie or Izzy or you've e'er done for him."

"All right, you know _what_?" Beth stood up so fast that she almost fell over. "This is going too far, Zeke. I am not going to just sit here and let myself be insulted like this by someone that I thought was supposed to be my friend! If I'd wanted that, I would have just stayed back at camp as Heather's slave! You two are both such jerks that you're practically twins, but at least with her I was offered a free ticket into the final three! She respected me more as her _servant_ than you do as your friend!"

He watched with a half-lidded gaze as Beth stalked off in search of Lindsay, then twisted around to look at Noah. "Yo, ya aren't gonna make some sarcastic comment 'bout how _The Zeke_ 's not as smart as he looks or nothin'?"

"I didn't think it was necessary, seeing as you just proved that point yourself."

"Huh?"

"Yeah, you just offended the only person who was willing to fawn after you all day and put jam on your toast and open all your chocolate and soda and chips and water bottles and do all those other sorts of things that'll be hard to do now that you only have one working hand."

Ezekiel widened his eyes and looked at the unopened candy bar he was still holding. Then he smacked himself in the forehead. That was when he discovered that getting hit with a heavy plaster cast was a good way to develop a serious bruise.

Things only got worse after that, because as much as Ezekiel hated to admit it, Noah was right. His right hand and wrist may be wrapped in plaster and win him pitying glances and bits of chocolate, but his sore fingers stuck out of his little cast like weeds, and were about as useful. More than once Ezekiel caught himself reaching out to pick a biscuit or fruit or crispy piece of bacon from off the buffet table, only to immediately drop it when his limp fingers refused to cooperate with his brain. He also learned that it was one thing to try tearing open a bag of chips with your teeth when you were Izzy, but when you were _The Zeke_ , you just got a lot of strange looks.

On top of all that, his royal subjects Courtney and Eva had decided to revolt against him. Ezekiel couldn't help but wonder what DJ and Tyler thought when they saw him run past, dripping wet, both hands wrapped around his head, screaming, "No more bubbles, eh!" while the two girls chased after him, shaking unopened sodas in each hand and cackling almost as much as Izzy, who ran behind them "Oh, for no reason really, it just looked like a lot of fun!".

By the time evening arrived, Cody seemed to be the only one who pitied him enough to sit with him for more than a few minutes at a time. Ezekiel had originally recruited him for 'Get-Well-Soon'-candy-unwrapping duty, and by this point he was beginning to suspect that Cody was eating just as much of it as he was.

He sighed at the paper plate in his lap for the third time. "Y'ever tried usin' silverware with only your left hand afore, homes? 'Tis not nearly as easy as it looks."

"Have you ever tried being in a full body cast at a five-star resort, surrounded by wonderful food after weeks of eating that slop at camp, completely unable to move either one of your arms, forced to rely on your fellow ex-campers to feed you when you get hungry?"

"… Can't say that I have, eh." Ezekiel set aside his fork and picked up a banana instead.

"Here, let me help. Heh. Heh heh."

"Yo, what's so funny, dog?"

"Oh, nothing, heh heh. Just reflecting back to my wheelchair days. Now you're the one who's bandaged up, and I'm the one that's feeding you." Cody traded Ezekiel the banana for his soup bowl. Then he held up the spoon, let his voice rise into a mocking falsetto, and said, "Here comes the plane~"

"If ya weren't sittin' on my right side right now, I'd try pushin' ya into the pool, homes."

"Oh come on, man! You thought it was funny when you were doing it to me!"

"Give me that! Yo, _The Zeke_ don't need any a' your spoonfeedin'. He can do it himself, eh."

"Heh heh. Now I feel bad for snapping at you. It is pretty funny when it's you."

It had been awhile since they had seen the Boat of Losers pull up, as Izzy had joined them from the forest, and that had been days ago. The teenager who stepped off of it was wearing what looked to be a cowboy hat. He was also whooping and cheering when he saw them all waiting for him ("Dudes! Long time and no party!"). And when he saw the hotel ("Sweet! Rock on!"). And when he saw Bridgette. ("Bridgey-bear!")

Bridgey-bear?

Ezekiel had sent Noah for more ice, and when he came back just in time to see this scene, he simply said "Tch," and dumped the ice bucket over Ezekiel's head.

…

"So it turns out that the girl you've been chasing after has had a boyfriend all this time, huh? You must feel pretty pathetic right now. And this after everything you did for her. The cake, the candy… Among other things, of course."

Ezekiel did not reply, only stood to throw away his unfinished Jell-o and a few napkins. Justin followed him all the way to the trash can.

"Oh, I agree with you all the way, Zeke. Bridgette could do so much better than that mindless party animal. Say, that paper plate you're holding. Or perhaps a certain prairie boy you and I both happen to know very well."

"Leave me alone, dawg."

"Little buddy, Zeke, come on. There's no need to be like that."

No reply.

"You know, my offer still stands."

"Offer?" Ezekiel couldn't even grasp at what Justin was referring to, even when the larger teenager swung an arm around his shoulder and pulled him close.

"Come on now, Zeke. Don't fool yourself. You _deserve_ her. So let me remind you how this whole thing works. I teach you how to win over a girl, then you agree to form a bit of a side-alliance with _moi._ "

He shoved Justin's arm and stumbled a few paces away before spinning back around to face him. "Why are you always tryin' a' get me to join some 'lliance with ya, homes? The competish is o'er. Complete. _Fin_ , eh."

Justin made a show of glancing around, then lowered his voice. "It's Courtney. She's trying to sue Chris and the producers into a second season." When Ezekiel's eyes widened a bit he continued with, "I'm hoping to align myself with other strong, capable, intelligent people, and I chose you to be one of them."

"Wow, eh," he said softly. "A second season? You mean _The Zeke_ might have a chance at competin' again?"

"As long as he sticks with me. That's the beauty of it, really. See, this way, when the second season starts, you and I are already at an advantage. If you help me, I can protect you from being voted off at least until the teams merge. Trust me, Zeke. I won't treat you the way Heather treated Beth."

"So… you try teachin' me 'teenspeak' and how to make girls like me… and I just gotta follow through on some favor that I owe ya? Like maybe teamin' up with ya next season or somethin'?"

"Exactly. You're in?"

Ezekiel looked at his good hand, then made it into a fist and bumped it against Justin's knuckles. "Word."

"I knew you'd make the right decision." Justin swung his arm around Ezekiel's shoulders once more, pulling him away from the trash can and back towards the pool. "Shall we begin your lessons right now?" When Ezekiel nodded, Justin pointed to the girl who sat beside Noah at the smoothie bar, looking bored out of her mind as she watched him reading his book. "For this first experiment, we'll use Beth as an example."

"Uh…"

"She is your friend, isn't she, Zeke?"

He tugged at his toque with his left hand, carefully keeping himself from looking at his right. "Yeah, yeah, but… She's real mad at me. _The Zeke_ sorta… 'ffended her this mornin'."

"Another reason why we're starting with her. Now, the first lesson I'm going to teach you is called 'How to Make Small Talk'."

…

"So, uh… Yo, yo, Beth. Uh, fancy runnin' into you here. What are you doin', um, at the smoothie bar?"

"Drinking… smoothies?"

"Yeah?"

"Um. Yeah."

"Wicked." He tapped his good fingertips to the ones on his bad hand. "So, uh… What flavor?"

She was eying him uneasily now. "Apple?"

There were a few seconds of silence. Ezekiel glanced towards the hot tub, where Justin was running his hand mirror across his throat, making a _Cut! Cut!_ sign. Katie and Sadie were behind him, rubbing his shoulders and giggling, which was irritating. Ezekiel was, after all, the one with the hand wrapped in plaster and therefore should be the one getting attention.

Plaster. Hand. Right. He sucked in his breath.

"Uh… _The Zeke_ just wanted a' say that he's sorry 'bout what happened this mornin'. He didn't mean a' make ya mad or nothin', eh. He felt real bad when he saw ya walk away. It won't happen again."

"I hope not. No one likes being told that they're useless."

"I ne'er said-"

" _And whatever you do, don't argue with her. Just agree and move on."_

Ezekiel stopped and took a breath. "You're right, Beth. _The Zeke_ was comin' off a little mean. And he's soorry."

"Well… I'll agree with you on that. I mean, I was hoping that you were over the whole guys-are-better-than-girls thing since you've been hanging around with me and Lindsay and Eva and Bridgette and Katie and everyone, but, well, I guess I was wrong yet again."

"No, no," he burst in, "you weren't wrong, Beth. I ne'er said I wasn't sexist, eh?"

She cringed, Noah gave a snort, and Ezekiel slapped his forehead with his uninjured hand. There was another few-seconds pause.

"Well," Beth said at last, forcing a smile, "at least you admitted it. That's kinda the first step to recovery. Right, Noah?"

"Please leave me out of the flirt-fest. You know it's beneath me."

Ezekiel and Beth both looked at him uncomfortably, then away. Not at each other, and after a minute or two of it, Ezekiel finally sighed.

"So, um, d'ya forgive me?"

"Well, yes…"

He thought she was going to continue with a "but only on one condition", but she didn't. She was too pure that way. Instead she twirled the straw of her smoothie with a finger, then finally looked up at him. "You know, no one said you had to stop liking Bridgette just because she has a boyfriend."

"Huh?"

"Just stay being her friend. A guy friend. Be yourself. You don't have to try changing yourself just to get her attention. And who knows," Beth added, smiling and shrugging now. "It's obvious that Bridgette and Geoff really like each other, but maybe one day their relationship will stop. And when that happens, you don't want her to be all alone, right? Just stay being her friend, because you do want her to be happy, right?"

He stared at her, and it took him a moment to find words. "Yo, that's… that's a real good idea, homes. Then maybe she'd finally start likin' _The Zeke_."

"Um, well, that's not exactly what I said, but sure! Why not?" Her smile broadened by a kilometer, revealing her silver braces again. "Anything could happen, right?"

"Huh. You're real smart, Beth. I _knew_ Justin was wrong when he said that ya only had the brains of a coconut, eh!"

"… What?"


	29. Lovesick Laments

Ezekiel wasn't sure who was more shocked when Noah shoved Eva into the pool: Eva, who now stood waist-deep and soaking, gaping and wide-eyed; Noah, who quickly backed away towards the hotel, arms raised in surrender when she looked up at him; or Katie, Sadie, Beth, and himself, who sat frozen at the tiki bar with their jaws dangling like snagged fish with hooks embedded in their upper lips.

"Yeesh, what's with him?" muttered Eva, casting a glance over her shoulder as she waded over to them, wringing water from her ponytail. "He's been in a fix ever since Cowboy showed up at this junkheap."

Sadie shrugged and sipped at her smoothie. "He's probably just mad because he was like, totally crushing on Bridgette, and then he found out that she and Geoff are together."

That caused all of them to turn their stares her way.

"What?" she asked, looking towards Katie for support. "I thought it was obvious."

"Noah?" Ezekiel repeated, and gave his head a shake of disbelief. " _Noah_ , who is 'Above the petty human nature and all the sins therein'?"

"I guess he _has_ been kinda jealous and mean for a couple days," Beth admitted.

"Yeah," Katie said, folding her arms, "almost more mean than usual. Did you know that he snapped at me when I told him that people might actually like him if he tried being more like Justin? He snapped at me!"

Sadie choked on her drink. "Oh my gosh, no. He didn't!"

"Yeah, he totally _did_. That's why Zeke is, like, _so_ much more of a better friend. He doesn't get mad, like, ever, even when Courtney and Eva are bullying him."

Sadie slammed one hand down on the counter, pointing at Katie with the other. "He does _too_ get mad sometimes! And then he starts insulting girls and that is, like, so totally not okay!"

"Well, at least he's willing to actually try and have, like, conversations! When was the last time Noah actually put away his book and talked to _you_?"

"At least he doesn't see the need to, like, smash his hand for attention!"

Katie grabbed Ezekiel's injured right arm and waved it about in the air as she shouted, "He totally did not smash his hand for attention, and you know it! Izzy tried to run him over with a horse!"

"At least Noah was smart enough to, like, get out of her way! Zeke just sat there on the ground and totally let himself get hit! He would have, like, died if Justin hadn't saved him!"

"Oh yeah? Well… Noah doesn't even _like_ Justin! And anyway, Justin is, like, so much more hot than he is!"

"Oh my gosh, that is like, so true! Justin is totally the cutest, don't you think so?"

"Oh, I know, right? _So_ fab!"

Ezekiel wrinkled his nose as he watched Katie and Sadie high-five and then hug, still chattering on about Justin's apparent beauty. "Tch. They fight like girls, eh."

He was offended to receive no reply. He slipped his straw from his mouth and turned around. She stood there, rubbing her hands up and down her shoulders, her MP3 at her hip. But there was no music twirling out from the earbuds that hung limp and dead in her left hand.

"Eva? Are ya feelin' all right, homie?"

She finally tore her gaze away from the hotel doors and gazed through him, dull-eyed. "Fruitcake can be a jerk," she muttered, "but he's never tried being a jerk to _me_ before."

…

"Hey there, dude! What's up?" Ezekiel glanced towards the sky out of habit, but Geoff continued before he had the chance to respond. "This place is wicked awesome, huh? Party city, man! And you've been rockin' it here for weeks now while we were chillin' back on that island riskin' life and limb and, woo-hoo!"

"Yo, yo, dawg! Stop splashin' so much, eh?" Scowling, Ezekiel held up his bandaged hand. " _The Zeke_ really ain't s'posed a' get this wet."

"Sorry man," Geoff said, still grinning. He pushed his drooping hat back from his eyes and added, "Sweet injury. Sock a few eyes with that puppy?"

"… What?"

"I should've seen the other guy, huh?"

"Uh …"

"Who'd ya get into a fight with, dude?"

"Oh. Um." Ezekiel rubbed the scruffs of brown hair behind his head. "Izzy's big yellow horse."

"Huh. Cool, bro."

"Yeah… bro. Word."

"Since you've been kickin' it here the longest, you're sure to know about all the sweet digs this resort has to offer, am I right? Maybe you could show me 'round on a tour sometime. Or not," he said quickly (Ezekiel hadn't meant to glare at him- honest!). "It's cool, man!"

He sighed and started rubbing his arm. "Yeah, maybe later, homie. So, uh… That first day back on the island, _The Zeke_ ne'er got the chance a' thank ya for standin' up for him, eh?"

"No biggie, bro. Guess you've learned your lesson by now, huh, dude?"

"Yeah, word."

"Sweet. Y'know, Bridge told me that you and her bonded a bit once she got booted. Says you're not as bad as you first seemed. Guess that means you and I've got something in common: We both made bad first impressions on her, and she grew to like us anyway. Nice job, man." Geoff offered his fist, and after a few seconds of hesitation Ezekiel bumped it with his own.

"Yeah," he said again, for what may have been the third or fourth time in a row, and he said it again, and again, and then again as Geoff continued to chatter on. After about twenty minutes Bridgette showed up and sat on Geoff's other side, holding his hand, eating a peanut butter sandwich, and beaming like she was the happiest girl in the world.

Peanut butter. It was how they had first become friends, and now he was playing second fiddle to a peanut butter sandwich.

No, make that _third_ fiddle. The happiest girl in the world had eyes only for Geoff.

"Happiest girl in the world" certainly didn't come anywhere close to describing Eva, however. She paced around the pool as she usually did, a barbell in each hand, a wire connecting her MP3 player to just one of her ears so that she could still partake in the occasional conversation. She seemed just fine, according to Beth, but Ezekiel had spent nearly seven weeks with the girl now, and he had trained himself to recognize the subtle signs of her body language that meant she was getting ready to lash out at the next unlucky sucker to talk to her.

It was in the way she lifted her weights, faster and faster the angrier she got. It was in the way she would lock her gaze on one point in space, eyes narrowed, temporarily blanking out. It was in the way she'd lift a brow, as if trying to work out the pros and cons of pitching someone off the diving board. It was in the way she'd look at even Justin with the same glaze-brained expression she'd given Ezekiel earlier that same day.

At one point Izzy made a comment about a marshmallow war, and with a chuckle Eva had turned towards the Tiki bar and called out, "Betchya wouldn't like that one bit, Fruitcake! We all know how afraid you are of marshmallows and getting hit in the face!"

There had been no answer, of course, which had seemed to take Eva aback at first. She had gone back to her pacing after that, but a similar thing happened when Lindsay brought up the time when she'd accidentally kissed him after the handcuff challenge, and then the whole cake-smashing wedding mix-up incident a little after that, and there had been no Noah to high-five or pat teasingly on the head or elbow in the ribs or punch in the shoulder or shove into the pool or to even make a clever remark to.

"Aw, forget this," Eva muttered at last when she'd yet again spoken to an empty pool chair. "That was the perfect set-up for one of his dumb sarcastic comments. The _perfect set-up_. Where's that scrawny Fruitcake hiding anyway?"

"Think he might be in the card room again, homes. Or maybe the video game room, eh?"

"Well, come on, Homeschool. Don't just sit there. Make yourself useful and help me track him down. Perfect set-ups… empty chairs… sulking over some dumb girl, my foot. He knows better than that."

"But-"

Ezekiel had learned many things during his stay at Playa Des Losers. One of them was _Never argue with someone who's holding dumbbells above your head._

"I refuse to spend the rest of the day talking to a chair, got it? Find Fruitcake and get his butt in that seat so that I have at least one dumb pussycat out here that I can have an intelligent conversation with!"

"Y-yes ma'am! Word!"

So Ezekiel had brushed some of the water from his bare chest and splashed away. Noah wasn't in the lobby. He wasn't bouncing balls in the tennis court and making comments about keeping his throwing arm in shape for his dog. He wasn't curled up in the card room. He wasn't in his bedroom munching through his candy stash. He wasn't in the cold basement. He wasn't on the roof with a bin of water balloons. Noah simply wasn't anywhere.

Ezekiel shrugged and headed off to check the freezer for Noah (and chocolate ice cream), and that was where he at last stumbled across the guy. Well, not in the freezer, but-

"Yo, yo, dawg." Ezekiel leaned his shoulder against the doorframe, twiddling his metallic 'Z'. "Why're ya hidin' out here in the kitchen, eh?"

"Yeah, Izzy started hoarding all the chips, and I thought there might be more in here. I swear, that girl was a chipmunk in a previous life. One that died of starvation in the dead of winter, and the same is probably true of Cody and Owen."

"I'm not thinkin' that's the real reason, homie."

He blinked, unimpressed. "I pushed Iron Woman in the pool and didn't particularly want to be around when she decided to explode. And she hasn't exploded yet, has she?"

Ezekiel bit his lip and puffed up his cheeks, scratching behind his ear. "Uh…"

"Didn't think so, or she would have thrown something through a window by now."

…

"He says he ain't comin' back outside for another few hours, homie. Think he's worried you might be mad at him for pushin' ya, eh?"

"Mad? Why would that dumb Fruitcake think I'd be mad at him?"

"I've got it, I've got it!" Tyler was running backwards, and as he leaped to catch the frisbee DJ had thrown to him he slammed into Eva hard enough to knock her down.

" _Hey!_ You're dead, Feathers- you hear me? Totally freakin' dead!"

…

"She says she ain't real mad at ya, but you'd better come out a' hidin' anyway 'fore she gets e'en angrier."

"No thanks. I'm good."

"Aw c'mon, homes! You're best friends! All ya did was push her into the pool, and she didn't e'en seem upset at the time. Why d'ya think she'd be angry with ya now, eh?"

"Yeah, do the words 'ticking time-bomb' strike terror in your heart?"

…

"He says that if ya write down all a' those 'perfect set-ups' ya made on this sheet a' paper, he'll get back to you on 'em all when he gets the chance."

"It's funnier when he uses his whiny voice. Sarcasm doesn't translate so well on paper."

…

"She says she s'pects you're actually hidin' from Bri'gette and not from her, and that you're a dumb Fruitcake, eh?"

"Enough's enough, Homeschool. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I was serious when I said I just came in here to get some chips?"

"… Guess that would explain the precarious stack a' chairs and all."

"Look, it isn't _my_ fault that Izzy came in here and decided to tape every bag to the ceiling just because she knew it would irritate me."

…

"He finished fillin' in that paper a' yours, eh." Ezekiel handed Noah's note of sarcastic comments to Eva, and when she finished reading it she scoffed and said, "It's funnier when he uses his whiny voice."

…

"But homes, she ain't e'en mad at ya!"

:Yeah, last time she said that, she locked me in the gym room and insisted that I do a hundred push-ups before she let me out again."

"Oh yeah, _The Zeke_ 'members that. Heh. That was funny, eh. How long didja stay in there again? Was it twelve hours or twenty-one?"

…

After a sore-footed hour and a half of running messages between two friends who refused to look one another in the eyes, Ezekiel flopped himself back on one of the stools by the smoothie bar. "Well, I just think that Sadie was right, eh. He's sulkin' 'bout… Well, 'bout losin' Bri'gette, and there ain't nothin' that we say or do that's gonna get him to come back outside any time soon. Tch. Knob. E'en _The Zeke_ ne'er did that."

Eva smirked and turned around to look at the empty chair behind her, but caught herself quickly and faced Ezekiel again. "Tell him that while he was hiding, Chris came by and said the dumb camera crew was comin' by to film us tomorrow, and if he wants to stay inside and sulk through that all day, that's fine, but then we'll spend every minute talkin' about the time he smooched Bandages on the ear. And won't it be great when Chris airs _that_ episode? In the long run, it'll be beneficial for him to come out and watch Cowboy and that surfer girl making out in the hot tub."

So Noah eventually did come outside and take his usual seat at the tiki bar with his book, and when Eva tossed the occasional insult his way he was quick to respond, supposedly with his whiny voice. She did climb up behind him on the high-dive one time and push him off when she knew he wasn't ready, simply as payback for his shoving her that morning, but after a few minutes of shouting and splash-fighting, he got over it. Ezekiel even saw him sharing a few words with Geoff and Bridgette. The keyword was _few_ , but when Noah came back for a smoothie refill, Ezekiel saw that the half-lidded gaze and cocky smirk had returned to his face.

"Huh. That Geoff's a pretty lucky dawg, eh?"

Noah merely raised a brow, too occupied with sipping his smoothie to reply, but Lindsay sort of did it for him. She folded her arms and scowled.

"I can't believe that you and Betty were actually going behind Ava's back when you're already married," she said. " _So_ not cool."

"She has a point, Homeschool. Why would I need to find myself a girlfriend when I already have a quote-unquote 'wife'?

It was at that point that Eva and Izzy began their marshmallow war, sending dozens of them raining down around the ex-campers at the smoothie bar. Even Noah put up his hands defensively in front of his face when she shouted, "Fruitcake! You're dead! Talking to chairs all day, looking dumb… I'm gonna murder you!"

Noah rolled his eyes and muttered, "Heaven help me", but didn't otherwise protest as Eva tackled him from his seat and into the pool.

Since the timing had been perfect, Ezekiel couldn't help but laugh. "Yo, Lindsay's right. You dogs are 'dorable together… Eva? Homie? Uh… he really can't breathe when ya pin him underwater like that. Maybe ya should let him go now, eh? Eva, dawg? Eva?"

"Yep," Katie said cheerfully, "they're perfect for each other all right. Almost more perfect than me and Justin."

Sadie clicked down her drink. "What do you mean _you_ and Justin. Justin likes _me_."

"He does not! I'm his favorite!"

"He does too like me better, and you are not!" Sadie's pigtails were beginning to prickle up. "This is because Noah thinks I'm nicer than you are, isn't it?"

"That is so not true! You're just jealous because Zeke thinks I'm prettier than you!"

Ezekiel wiped his nose on the end of his sleeve and looked towards Noah and Eva for support. Both were wearing identical expressions of annoyance, even though one had the other in a headlock. "Yo, yo, dogs, you're _both_ really pretty, eh."

"Um, guys," Lindsay interrupted, twirling at the end of her hair with one finger. She gave a nervous laugh and tapped her nails up and down the counter. " _I'm_ actually the prettiest one here."

Surprisingly, they stopped arguing so much after that.


	30. Behind the Scenes

_The train never ended._

 _He was running, arms pumping, feet flying, hunched over so much he was practically on all fours, but the girl always managed to stay a car-length ahead of him. Ezekiel wasn't sure why he was chasing her, or even who she was, only that he had to catch her. He couldn't let her escape._

 _He flung open the next door, feeling wind rush at him from all sides, and hopped the connector rail between the two train cars. Then he was running across the carpet again._

 _This was all part of the competition, wasn't it? Courtney had indeed sued Chris into a second season, and now here he was, chasing this girl, and he had to catch her, had to beat her in order to win. She was the strongest competitor, his main rival, and he had to take her down. He would probably never be able to outrun her, even though she was flagging now, a hand pressed on her side, but perhaps a tackle to the ground would slow her._

 _The girl opened the next door between the cars and screamed. The creature on the other side shoved her away and came straight for Ezekiel, bowling him over at top speed. They went rolling: the beast clawing with long fingers and snarling with an unseen mouth, Ezekiel screaming and trying to push it away. Its skin was mottled with dark greenish patches, the hairs on its head was long and stringy, but the face_ _…_ _the face was the worst. Shapeless, without eyes or nose or mouth or anything, just blank nothingness, and it was still growling and clawing and-_

He jolted awake and upright, slamming his forehead against something hard as he did so. _"Oww!_ Hey, what-? Yo, were you… were you filmin' me while I was sleepin'?"

It was Kevin, tucked into his favorite purple sweater, and he hastily backed away, raising his camera defensively over his head when Ezekiel chucked a pillow at him. "Hey, chill out there, Zeekie buddy. Just following Chris's orders. Don't shoot the messenger. When my life comes to an end, I want it to be while testing out some wicked challenge for the show, not by getting attacked by an ex-contestant just for doing my job."

Ezekiel rubbed his sore head with one hand and fumbled for his toque with the other. "Ya mean Eva was serious when she said you were gonna be bringin' the cameras here?"

"Sure was. Looks like it's finally time for you guys to tell the viewers what you've been doing here and what you think of the final five campers."

"… Who?"

"The final five? Dude, there was this whole competition… You were kinda in it…"

"I know _that_ , dawg - _The Zeke_ ain't stupid - but can ya maybe tell me who's e'en left on the show? I can't 'member 'em all without some kind a' list ta give me clues."

"Let's see… Duncan, the guy with the green mohawk- he was a Bass like you, and I think the only one left now. Then there's Owen, the eating machine; Heather, who I'm sure you know well considering how much time you spend listening to Beth's stories; Trent's girl Gwen; and then lastly there's, let's see… Leshawna, the… Not really sure exactly how you'd identify her seeing as you were… Oh, she's the one who threw Heather off the cliff that first challenge day."

He nodded. "And Beth said she, uh, locked Heatha in the fridge or somethin' too. Heh. That sounded funny."

Kevin glanced at his watch, then pointed at Ezekiel's bandaged right hand. "Before I head outside and leave you to shower in peace, how's about you tell the viewers how you earned that injury in a wicked fight with Eva?"

"But… _The Zeke_ didn't get it in a fight with Eva, eh. Izzy's horse-"

"Exactly, Zeke. Saying that you got run over by a horse is _lame_. Play it up a bit. It's for your fans- they'll love hearing it."

For the fans? He cocked his head. "Tch. Well, _The Zeke_ don't want anyone thinkin' that he was fightin' with a girl, 'cuz he weren't. He was stepped on by a horse."

"Fine then. Be a loser that way. Just make sure that you head over to the infirmary and get those bandages removed before you come outside, okay dude?"

"Uh, but… I think it's still a little broken, eh? Maybe I should leave it-"

"No can do, little man. Otherwise we'll start getting tons of e-mails from all your fans who want to know what happened to you, and when they ask, I'm sure that Chris will just tell them what they want to hear."

Kevin left then, and reluctantly Ezekiel followed. In the infirmary Melody weighed his hand in hers, examined his fingers, shrugged, and then removed the bandages, saying simply, "Well, they look healed enough."

They weren't. At least not at first, anyway. Ezekiel struggled into his swim trunks and slathered on his sunscreen one-handedly. Then, mercifully, he at last headed out to join Beth at the otherwise empty poolside. She clapped when he showed her that he could now bend his limp fingers, but it took nearly an hour of practice before he could perform even simple actions like picking up his sunglasses.

"Psst. Beth, Zeke. You early birds want to give a little greeting to the cameras?"

She smiled and waved and he made a peace sign the way Cody had taught him to do. When that was all, Kevin put his camera down on his lap and gave a loud groan. "Man, I didn't think it was possible, but even folding towels and washing windows and making sandwiches would be preferable to dragging this heavy heap of junk around with me all day."

They both shrugged to show their sympathy, but just then the door to the hotel opened, and Izzy bounded out, whooping and hollering, and Kevin and one of the other interns hurried away to film her. Her immediate response to this, of course, was to shout her usual, "You'll never take me alive!" and charge away towards the tennis court.

Their fellow ex-campers appeared one by one as the morning wore on. Beth drifted away towards the facial station and Ezekiel moved to the hot tub, where the warm water was at least soothing on his still-stinging hand.

"Mind if I join you?"

His shoulders jumped. "Oh, it's you, Bri'gette. Uh… _The Zeke_ don't mind at all." As she sat beside him in the water he added, "I like your, uh, hat."

"It's Geoff's," she told him, smiling. As if he hadn't known. "I like your hat too. And your… 'Z'. I never told you, but I do."

"Yeah, me too, eh."

She glanced over her shoulder and he looked away, rubbing his thumb along the chain of his necklace. "Tch…"

"Seems like Izzy took all the peanut butter. Is lettuce and tomato okay, Bridge?"

Ezekiel couldn't suppress his flinch when he heard the voice. Turning, he watched Geoff drop into the hot-tub on Bridgette's other side, offering her the sandwich with one hand and eating his own with the other. She took it with a grin.

"Lettuce and tomato would be great. Thanks, babe."

Who had invited _him_? Ezekiel considered joining Katie, Sadie, and Noah at the tiki bar, but… it had been Bridgette who had asked if she could join _him_ in the hot-tub and not the other way around, so he stayed, awkwardly watching the pair of them eat and trying to pretend that he wasn't. They didn't speak, only ate their sandwiches and occasionally cast side glances at each other. It was surprising how often Geoff could make her laugh when he wasn't even saying a word.

Bridgette was the first to break the silence. With a slight giggle she said to Geoff, "You have a bit of jelly on your face."

"Where? Here?"

"No, right… there." She took her thumb and rubbed the offending splatter away, wiping her finger clean on her own sleeve. Ezekiel had to smile a bit at that, because it was cute, but the smile disappeared a moment later when Geoff pulled her close and started to kiss her. A lot. Kevin had to make quite a few throat-clearing noises to get the two of them to look over at the camera.

"Dude!" Geoff cried, grinning wildly, "this resort is _off the charts!"_

Kevin kept the camera rolling when they went back to kissing, but after a moment of it he turned it onto Ezekiel. "Got anything you want to tell the audience peeps, Zeke?"

It took him a few seconds to get his fingers working again, but when he did he flashed another peace sign and glanced in Bridgette's direction. "Yo, yo, dogs. Check it out! Bein' famous has _totally_ changed my life. I'm just kickin' it, yo." Holding up the 'Z' on his necklace for the camera he added, "Got me some live bling too. You like?"

Kevin shot him a thumbs up, then quickly swung the camera towards Izzy when she started coughing over near the smoothie bar, shouting, "Look! Someone's bikini bottom!"

Geoff and Bridgette went back to kissing after that.

Enough was enough, even for him. With a slight sigh, Ezekiel left them alone in the hot-tub, and sought out Trent. He'd hardly sat down in the neighboring pool chair when Courtney suddenly tossed her magazine over her shoulder and glared at Stuart, who had followed Ezekiel with the camera in silence.

"I don't care how nice this place is," she snapped, " _I'm_ not supposed to be here. After I was kicked off, I found out exactly what went on the night I was eliminated. It was all Harold's fault! _I_ should be in the final five right now! When I find that little twerp, I'm going to grab hold of him and wring his skinny, awkward little neck!"

There was a slight rustling of leaves, and Ezekiel sat up a little straighter. Was that a flash of red hair ducking away behind the bushes? Courtney seemed to sense the same thing. She stood.

"You hear me, Harold? I know you're hiding around here somewhere!" To the startled Stuart she added, "He has to come out sometime, and when he does, he's going to _get it_." With that she marched over to the nearest lamppost and started trying to wrench it loose from the ground. Ezekiel rolled his eyes.

"Tch. She'll ne'er be able a'-"

With a grunt of effort, Courtney tore the lamppost from the ground. Like, the entire lamp. Sparks flew from the severed wires at its base, and Ezekiel felt his mouth drop into his lap.

" _Dude,"_ said Trent, which seemed rather fitting. The two of them exchanged quick glances as Courtney stalked past them with her new weapon in hand. Once she had moved safely out of maiming distance Trent stood, gave his head a disbelieving shake, and headed off for the buffet table.

 _The entire lamp._

Trent came back a moment later loaded down with some bologna, a bowl of mashed potatoes, and a drumstick, which he immediately and enthusiastically began to eat. Behind Ezekiel's head, the bushes rustled a second time.

"Psst. Hey, Trent. Slide me some bologna?"

It was indeed Harold, and Trent looked at him for a moment, chewing thoughtfully on his drumstick, before he finally said, "Yeah… What the heck?" and tossed the requested item over his shoulder. Harold caught it in his teeth, glanced around, and quickly disappeared back into the bushes. After first checking in Courtney's direction to see if she'd witnessed the exchange, Ezekiel had to ask.

"Dude, why're ya helpin' _him_? He's a traitor, eh?"

Trent merely shrugged. "True, but he doesn't deserve to _starve_ to death. And he sure can't come out here."

After glancing once more at Courtney and her lamppost, Ezekiel silently agreed. He watched for several long minutes as she moved around the pool, prodding at suspicious clumps of leaves, and finally stood to get food of his own. Unfortunately, Courtney stood between him and the buffet table, and he hesitated, rubbing his elbow, trying to decide if a sandwich or two was worth the risk of ending up on the receiving end of her current fury.

"I'm in the middle of filing a lawsuit for wrongful termination of competition," she was telling Kevin, and pointed her finger at the nearest person: Eva. "These people are witnesses! I was unfairly kicked off!"

"I didn't see a thing, man," Trent called to her, and DJ added, "You got me." Even Noah chimed in with, "Must have missed that episode," from the tiki bar, and Katie turned to Sadie and asked, "What's she talking about?" Then Eva, lifting her barbells as she walked past Courtney, muttered, "Didn't see it. Don't care."

Courtney flared her nostrils and cried, "You _all_ know what happened!"

Since he was half afraid that she would begin bashing the nearest people with her lamppost and since he was, after all, the one who now stood the closest to her, Ezekiel gave a sigh and stepped forward. "Hey, give it a break a'ready, eh. I got kicked off in the first-"

Courtney hit him with her lamppost. She actually _hit_ him with her _lamppost_. The blow knocked off his sunglasses and sent him flying backwards. He glared at her as he picked himself off the ground. Then, with a little, "Tch…" he turned and walked away, food forgotten. Apparently she didn't notice his dirty look, as Lindsay had just come up behind her.

"You just would've been kicked off in another episode," she was saying. "No one liked you that much."

"That is _so_ not true! _Everyone_ likes me! I used to be a C.I.T.! _Ow_!"

Trent had moved from his seat, and it took Ezekiel a moment to find him again. There he was at the smoothie bar, and judging from Noah's furious "Did! Not!"s, and the teasing "Did, did, did, did did did did, did did did did did!"s that Izzy was making, followed by Trent glancing at the nearest camera and saying, "I can break this tie: He totally _did_ ," Ezekiel guessed that someone had brought up the ear-kissing incident again. As this was yet another argument he did not want to get sucked into, Ezekiel turned and wandered back past an indignant Courtney, this time towards the buffet table for real.

That's where he stayed for a good twenty minutes, safely picking at this fruit or that piece of meat, until Izzy came over with her arms full of coconuts and a devious smile on her face.

He decided to join Katie and Sadie by the water instead.

"Tch. Havin' all a' those cameras 'round here's made some a' the others pretty bristle-mad again, eh. Didja see what Coourtney did to me with that lamppost a' hers? Think it might bruise." He rubbed at his forehead as they cooed and "Oh my gosh, no way!"ed over him, and when they were done he said, "Yo, _The Zeke_ 's gettin' real tired a' bein' hit in the face."

Just behind him he heard Chris himself say, "So Trent, Lindsay: Give us your take on Heather."

"I hope I never meet anyone like her ever again."

"She was really mean. Like, _really_ mean."

Ezekiel checked first in Beth's direction, then over at one of the cameras. "She _was_ pretty bossy, eh?"

Katie said, "Oh, she was so _totally_ bossy."

Sadie nodded in agreement, then frowned. "If none of us even like her… How did Heather get into the finals?"

"Because she's a conniving, backstabbing little witch!" Eva shouted at them, snapping off the tines of her plastic fork. " _That's_ why!"

"Tch…"

Katie and Sadie stood then, and because he didn't want to be around Eva when she was in rage-mode, Ezekiel cautiously followed them over to where Courtney was sitting with her lamppost. Apparently Ian had just asked her who she hoped won the hundred-thousand dollars, because with a bit more coaxing she finally whispered, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'd have to pick… Duncan. Don't tell the others though, okay?"

"Oh, we already know," teased Izzy, popping up from the water. "You were _all over_ him."

"And," Lindsay said awkwardly from her place behind Trent, "we eavesdropped again."

Courtney groaned and slapped her forehead. Ezekiel took a step back in case she decided to take a swing at them with her lamp, and she very well might have if she hadn't spotted Harold making a dash for the buffet table. Five minutes later, she had him tied up and stuffed in the branches of a tree.

Ezekiel redoubled his efforts to stay away from her after that. He was seriously considering joining Beth on the other side of the plaza, facial station or not, but just about then Bridgette gave him a friendly wave and called his name, and that was all the encouragement he needed to join her again in the hot-tub.

True, she didn't say much more to him than "Well, who do you think should win, Zeke?" and she did bop him on the head and scowl at him more than once, but it _had_ been her who had suggested that he join her and Geoff, and not the other way around. When he mentioned this to Justin later, he received a few pats on the back and a "Nice job, little buddy. You're really making progress now."

And when he mentioned it to Noah?

"Way to go, Anti-Me Jr."

He was just jealous that Ezekiel was on the way to winning the girl when he himself was not. That was all.


	31. Set Adrift

"Y'know, he looks a li'l… dead. Girl, you should _not_ have hit him so hard with that fryin' pan."

"You got that right, Sister Thunder Thighs. His hard head put quite a dent in it. Should've hit him with the dumb spaghetti strainer instead when I had the chance."

"Oh, _tell_ me you did not just bring that _stupid_ nickname up again. 'Cuz if ya did, then Shawnie here'd have to start wavin' her finger up in your face, and I get the feeling that you ain't gonna like it when that happens."

"Whatever." There was a slight _swish, swish_ above Ezekiel's head, and Eva gave a loud groan. "Aw, dumb dent completely threw off the balance of my pan."

"Okay, ya know what? I don't like bein' stuck out here anymore than you do, but you don't see _me_ going and beating the poor little white boy over the head about it."

"He was freaking out. Almost got himself killed. I did him a favor."

"You smacked him upside the head and laid him out flat! He could be _dead_!"

"He's fine," Eva reported, prodding Ezekiel's shoulder with the handle of her pan. "He always plays dead when he first wakes up. Picked that up from Fruitcake, I suppose. Hey. Hey, get up already, Homeschool."

Ezekiel did, opening first one eye, then the other. He sat up slowly, surveyed his surroundings, and then gave a single drawn-out scream.

"Shut up, Homeschool. It's just a bit of dumb water. Get a hold of yourself already. And take a breath before you pass out again."

He threw himself, gasping, flat onto the floor of the canoe, sending it rocking. A cold splash landed on the back of his neck. "Water! Water, homie! Yo, yo, dog! _The Zeke_ ain't so good at swimmin', eh!"

"… He's crying. Aw, stop crying, Homeschool. You look ridiculous."

"Step aside, girl, and let the one with a baker's dozen a' li'l sibs handle this." Hands grabbed him by the shoulders and hauled him up to his knees. "Shh, shh, calm down now, string bean. Everythin's gonna be just fine."

"So long as my dented frying pan can hold off Chris's dumb sharks."

"Stop scaring the scrawny little white boy already, girl. You really ain't helpin' my case here."

"What?" Eva took an oar and smacked the snout of… Ezekiel had a feeling he knew what it was, but he decided to pretend it was merely a large fish that had washed off the buffet table during the storm. "Might as well tell the pussycat the truth."

It was Harold's girl, though it had taken him a moment to recognize her with her crazy hair all puffed up like that, and he knew her name too. They all did after what had happened at the pool only two nights before, when Chris had tricked Katie and Sadie and Lindsay and the others into voting Leshawna out of the final five. She'd sulked about it all the next day with the weather reflecting her mood. Come to think of it, this was the first time he'd seen her outside the card room.

In a canoe. Out on the lake. Without a life jacket. With no land in sight. Surrounded by what Chris had once called rare-but-real-man-eating-freshwater sharks.

"Look what you've done now, sister. He's cryin' again, thanks to you. There, there now, sugar baby. Let's try lookin' at the bright side of all this. If ya had a' be out in the middle a' nowhere stuck in a canoe, wouldn't ya choose a' be stuck in a canoe with Eva here? Girl is tough as nails and just about as brave as they come."

Eva glanced up when Ezekiel looked her way. She opened her mouth, then closed it again. Then sighed. "I guess… Leshawna's not so bad herself. The canoes were her idea, Homeschool. It was quick thinking on her part, and if we had gone with my plan instead… Well, we might all be dead right now."

"Yo, I- I think you're gonna have to remind _The Zeke_ 'bout what happened back there. My mem'ry feels a little… fuzzy when I think 'bout it too much."

Eva looked at her dented frying pan, then carefully set it down and picked up her oar again. "Not sure there's that much to tell. You remember how the whole first floor of the dumb hotel was filling with water during the storm though, don't you?"

He nodded. "'Cuz Lindsay tried openin' up the front door while it was rainin', eh?"

"That was part of it, but I'm sure it would've flooded anyway. That dumb cheapskate Chris probably didn't bother waterproofing the whole place. Well, when the hallways started filling up, Bandages and Saxophone-"

"Hold up, homes. Saxophone?"

Eva threw her hands into the air. "The… dumb musician boy with the 'T-R' name I always forget. Tristan or whatever. That's not it, but I can't remember and I shouldn't be expected to. Anyway, he and Bandages started waking people on the ground floor up and herding 'em up the stairs. They freaked when they couldn't find you in your room and made me and Sister Thun-"

"A _hem."_

"Sister, and plain Sister here, go looking for your sorry butt. We found you holed up in the kitchen for whatever reason, sitting on top of the dumb fridge. Do you remember that part at all?"

"Yeah, uh, _The Zeke_ was just… Well, he saw the water when he was just outside the kitchen door and he didn't know any better place a' go then atop the fridge, eh? And he almost got washed away when it all came floodin' down the hall at him, yo."

Eva prodded at a coconut on the waves with the tip of her oar. "Well, it took freaking forever, but we finally got you down from the dumb fridge. Had to club you over the head to do it, but whatever. Kitchen door was open, water was pouring in. I…" Eva actually glanced away, and Ezekiel thought a faint flush was starting to come over her neck and ears. "I wanted us to head back into the hall, fight our way back to the stairs. Everybody else was going up to the roof, and I knew that was safer than the ground floor. But Sister 'shawna here wanted us to try the side door. The one that leads straight outside, y'know?"

Ezekiel nodded, as he did know. He had used the door himself on a few different occasions. Most of them while fleeing from her, actually.

"We got into a bit of a fight, water was rising… Guess you wouldn't remember that seeing as you were unconscious. We ended up opening the side door and tried breaking for the diving board. Didn't quite make it there, but we did make it to this canoe and, well, and here we are now."

He craned his neck, shielding his eyes with his hand. He wished he'd thought to grab his sunglasses when he'd scrambled up to the top of the fridge. "I can't e'en see the hotel anymore. How long ago was all that, eh?"

Eva glanced at Leshawna, who shrugged and went back to trying to fix her poofy hair. "The storm washed us pretty far out, and the rain just stopped a little while ago so… Maybe three, four hours? Aw, I don't know, Homeschool. Math and calculations really isn't my thing. I'm more the kind of girl who lifts weights and plays sports and… and chews on the dumb goalie nets."

"Chews on-?"

"Get down!" Eva lunged forward, oar at the ready, and smacked away the shark (or large but innocent fish from the buffet table?) that had been about to attack them from behind. Leshawna screamed, Ezekiel collapsed, wrapping his hands tightly around his skull, and the canoe nearly tipped over then.

"Great. Ain't this just a fine kettle a' fish we've gone and landed ourselves in?" Leshawna picked a leaf from her puffed-up hair and crushed it in her fist. "Lost at sea, far from any trace a' civilization, surrounded by sharks, and we don't got a single crumb to eat. _Chris_! Chris, if you can hear me, get us the heck out of here! Ohh… Hey, what'chu laughin' at, girl?"

"Aw, nothin', Sister. I was just thinking that it's like that old story 'bout Noah - heh - Noah's boat of animals and how the whole world was flooded and all." Eva carefully steered their canoe around a broken pool chair and one of Katie's wooden heads from the totem-pole-building challenge. "Good news is, we've at least got Homeschool with us, so if the world _were_ flooded and we _were_ the last three people alive, at least we'd be able to repopulate the earth."

Ezekiel stared at her for all of three seconds, then tried to throw himself overboard. Eva, chuckling all the while, caught him by the back of his hoody.

"What? It was a _joke_. Mostly. Yeesh, tough canoe."

…

"One fryin' pan, one oar, a rubber band, two coconuts, and that's it. That's all we got." Leshawna sat back in a huff, playing with her afro, then shifted her attention over to Ezekiel. "Whatcha doin' with those two sticks, scrawny chicken-leg boy? Tryin' a set the whole canoe on fire?"

"Nope, nope. _The Zeke_ knows what he's doin', eh?"

Eva had her head in her hands and her elbows on her knees. "He'd better, because right now this sucks."

"We've been out here for hours and there still ain't no sign a' land. Now that just cannot be right. We should a' come across another island by now or _something_."

"Ugh. I would _kill_ for a steak right now."

He glanced up and wilted. "Why're ya lookin' at me, homes? Ya wouldn't really kill _The Zeke_ , would ya?"

"Dunno. I'm still deciding. Convince me not to."

"I mean, uh…" Cursing himself under his breath, he scratched furiously behind his neck. "I mean, if anyone's gonna go, it should be one a' you two girls, eh?"

" _What?"_

"Ooh, you sexist little white-"

He threw up his hands. "Uh, 'c-cuz if ya killed _The Zeke_ , th-there'd be no one a' 'populate the earth then, eh!"

Eva and Leshawna looked at him, then at each other, then burst into sniggers. Ezekiel wasn't sure what was so funny, seeing as Eva had brought it up the first time and all, but as the sweat rolled down his forehead, he started to chuckle with them.

"Suppose I can let him off for that one. 'Sides, there's really not so much meat on those scrawny little limbs of his anyway. I'd probably be better off eating you, Sister."

"Uh… I'm gonna assume that in this context, that was meant as an indirect compliment rather than as an insult, thanks. But maybe you'd like to rephrase that a li'l bit anyway, _sister_."

Before a fight could break out between them, Ezekiel redirected their attention by clearing his throat. "Yo, yo, dogs, check it out. You like?"

Their eyes went up, then down, then up again. "And what exactly is that s'posed a' be?"

"Still looks like a dumb stick if you ask me."

"'Tis a spear, yo. Y'know, for huntin' all the fish 'round the boat. No, don't _look_ , dawgs!" He leaned hard to the left as Leshawna and Eva both peered over the opposite edge of the canoe.

"Huh," Eva said at last. "So there _are_ fish under there. Didn't even notice 'em. Bet I could grab 'em with my hands and-"

"Nope, nope, don't do that, homes." He grabbed her elbow, she started to shove him, then caught herself as the canoe rocked dangerously beneath their feet.

"Whatever," she snorted at last, sitting back and pulling one foot into her lap. "If you know so much about fishing, go ahead and catch us a few already."

It took the better part of another hour, but Ezekiel's patience was finally rewarded as he speared a fish through its side. The girls clapped and cheered for him, he bowed, but their celebration was cut short when Eva pointed out that they had no fire to cook the fish over.

"Well," Ezekiel said defensively, "nothin' bad's e'er happened a' me when I ate raw meat back on the farm. Think it's a gift that I'm immune ta food poisonin'. Bet ya my spear that the water level should be goin' down by now, so we should see some land pretty soon, eh?"

"And when that happens we can try startin' a fire, and maybe then Chris'll finally come and get us. He can't just leave us out here to die, after all."

There was a pause.

"Can he?"

Eva took the fish from Ezekiel and nibbled on one of its fins. She didn't seem to find the taste very satisfying, but she did admit that it was curbing the edge off her hunger, and she gave Ezekiel an approving nod.

"All right, pussycats. This might not be anyone's idea of fun, but we've gotta remember that it could be worse. Instead of having Homeschool here who can fish, we could be stuck out here with Red Herring and his dumb facts about floods and canoes."

Leshawna gave a groan of agreement. "I'm totally with you on that, sister. I love my sugar baby well enough, but he would _not_ be my first choice for a canoe trip like this one, know what I'm sayin'?"

"If I could've chosen anyone…" Eva trailed off, tapping her cheek with the fish, then shrugged. "I suppose it'd have to be Fruitcake. Gotta be something in his big, dumb head 'bout what to do if lost at sea."

"Fruitcake? You mean the string-bean bookworm boy?" Leshawna smiled when Eva nodded. "Girl, you and him are 'bout as different as wood and honey, and yet ya get along together better'n anyone else gets along with either one a' you. What's your secret?"

"Easy. Our friendship's all based on mutual respect. I know he could whip me at anything I can't muscle my way through, he knows I'd beat him to a pulp if he tried."

"Aw, ya'd ne'er do that a' Noah. Ya like teasin' him too much for any a' that. You _sure_ you're bringin' him just 'cuz he might know how ta get ya out a' this mess?"

Her eyes flashed to splinter-thin slits. "One more word in that direction and I'll _pulverize_ you, Homeschool. Hmph. Well, who'd you pick to be stuck in a dumb canoe with?"

"Bri'gette," he answered immediately. "She's real smart and she's good out in the water, eh. She'd be able a' swim and fish and row the canoe and 'void the sharks, and she'd pro'lly look at the clouds and the sun and know which way the island is too." And, well, if the earth did need to be repopulated…

Leshawna put more thought into the question. At last she sighed. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but… Izzy. Girl's crazy, but you two've met her. She's a survivor, that one."

Ezekiel and Eva nodded their agreement, and they drifted on in silence once again. The sun hung in the air partway between its noon point and the horizon. Their conversations turned aimless: "Aren't you broiling inside that dumb hat of yours?" and "So string bean, what's it like back home on the farm?" and "Whadaya think the others are doin' right about now?"

At one point it started to rain again, and the canoe nearly sank with all the water it took in. Eventually Ezekiel tried spearing another fish, and a fit of screaming broke out when the scent of blood in the lake attracted the sharks. The girls chased them off (Ezekiel helped by staying out of the way), but their oar snapped in half when Leshawna broke it over a shark's snout, and Eva's frying pan earned itself another few dents.

"Ain't that just a woodchuck's cheekbones," Leshawna muttered as they watched the last dorsal fin dip beneath the waves. Ezekiel twisted in all directions in case they had missed one, and what he saw behind them made him stiffen so much that he stumbled and slipped into Eva's lap.

"O'er there! Land ho, eh!"

"I swear string bean, if you're teasin' us-"

"It's definitely not land," Eva murmured, shoving hi maway and half-standing now. "Looks like…"

The roar of engines cut her off, but Ezekiel didn't need her to tell him what they were. He put his hands around his mouth and shouted, "O'er here, dogs! O'er here!"

Leshawna and Eva joined in, and together the three of them hollered and waved until Trent, Katie, and Noah pulled the jet skis up alongside them. The force of their wake finally overbalanced the canoe, dunking them, and Ezekiel immediately started screaming. He probably almost drowned right about then, which would have been tragically ironic, but Eva wrapped one arm around his waist and used the other to paddle for the jet skis. She threw him into Trent's lap and then climbed on behind Katie.

"What took ya so long, Fruitcake?"

It was Trent who replied, as Noah was too busy trying and failing to haul Leshawna from the water. "Well, you know, it did kinda take a little while for us to realize that you guys were missing, and then it was another few hours before the water even went down… Then we had to go find Chris - Long story involving a semi-truck, a bear, and Izzy (Don't ask) - and he said that we could use the jet skis if we could find 'em, as long as we brought 'em all back when we were done and didn't get him involved in legal matters if you'd drowned or been devoured by sharks. After that we had to track them down, and then we had to fill 'em up with gas-"

"And then we, like, had to search the lake for hours," Katie finished. "So yeah. Here we are now. I'm kinda surprised that you guys aren't, like, dead and stuff, but Trent and Cody said that we had to come looking for you anyway. We were pretty close to giving up, actually-"

"Whatever. Just take us back already. I need a couple of well-done steaks."

Trent chuckled. "No problem. Josh got a barbecue started up on the roof. Food's a little soggy, but if you don't mind it, you can have all the steak and hamburgers you want."

"And Shawnie needs a shower like ya wouldn't believe."

Noah muttered something under his breath, and she shoved him from the jet ski and into the water. Ezekiel, who did not want to meet the same fate, made himself comfortable behind Trent.

"Yeah, uh, that wasn't all so bad. _The Zeke_ had e'erythin' completely under control, eh?"


	32. Getting Cold Feet

" _Choo!_ Ah-ah- _choo_!"

Eva looked up at him with cloudy eyes. "You sound like a girl."

"I do not," he snapped back, pulling the blanket more tightly around his shoulders. Then he gave a slight sniffle and rubbed his nose with the crook of his arm. " _The Zeke_ has manly sneezes, eh?"

"The act of sneezing is actually called sternutation," Harold informed them both, twirling a thermometer in his fingers as he walked by. "It comes from the Latin _sternuere_ : 'To sputter'."

Eva sputtered all right. She also sniffed, coughed, and shivered all at the same time. "Shut up, Red. Before I- _Hey!_ " She turned suddenly, blinking, and stared miserably across the pool. A bit of an argument between Noah and Izzy had broken out: she had her fingers in his mouth, once again trying to prove that he had false teeth, completely ignoring his slaps and gagging. "Fruitcake. Birdie. Play nice together."

"But he likes it! _Ow!_ I think he just _bit_ me. Oh no- it's happening! I can feel myself turning into a werewolf! Again! The sunlight- it burns! No, now I'm _melting_! Why? _Why?_ It's so unfair!"

"Uh, think that's vampires, eh?"

Eva only shook her head. After sneezing she said, "Well, this sucks," and Ezekiel nodded his agreement.

"Hot cocoa?" DJ offered, handing each of them a mug. "It may be summer, but there's nothin' better for a cold than tasty hot cocoa and a nice bowl of chicken noodle soup."

Ezekiel glanced around. "So, uh… Where's the soup then, eh?"

DJ chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Um, about that. Well, see, Tyler really wasn't too happy when Izzy caught the chickens-"

There was a huge crash perfectly on cue, followed by Cody yelling, "Chill, dude! They're already dead!" over the sound of Tyler's screams. Eva looked towards the hotel, then over at the hysterical "melting" Izzy, and then back at Ezekiel.

"Like we're all just one big, dumb, dysfunc- _Kachoo! Snfff._ Aw, this _sucks_." She hunched over, clutching her hot chocolate, wrapping herself in her blanket, kicking at the surface of the pool. "Can't believe Sister Thunder Thighs managed to wriggle her way out of this one when it's all her fault we ended up in that dumb canoe in the first place."

"Does seem kinda weird that she didn't catch cold too, yo, seein' as she was out with us the whole time."

"What can I say? My girl has mad skills."

"Shut up, Red. _Kachoo! Choo!_ "

"Okay, gosh." But he didn't seem that heartbroken about it. Instead he looked away, smiling. "Ah, my fair Leshawna. Her delicate beauty captured my eye the very moment I saw her. Her rough exterior and gentle interior intrigued me, and you've all seen the way she looks when I flex these manly muscles of mine. She wants me."

"She's that special to you, is she? _Kachoo!_ Huh. Well, it just so happens that there's someone close to _my_ heart I've - _choo! Choo!_ \- I've been dying to introduce you to." Eva raised one trembling fist from beneath her blanket, apparently intending to bop Harold on the head with it, but with another sneeze she dropped it by her side again. "Wasted!" She glared at Ezekiel then, but he was too sickly to care about scooting away from her and only met her gaze with dull eyes. "Fruitcake taught me that one - _Kachoo!_ \- and it just _went_ to _waste_. Aw, I hate this place. Everything about it _sucks."_

Ezekiel glanced up in time to see Noah, Izzy perched on his shoulders and choking him, suddenly topple over. They rolled apart and he tried to make a break for his chair again, but Izzy snagged his ankles and sent him crashing face-first into the ground. Apparently Eva saw this too, because after another sniffle she called, "I thought I already told you two pussycats to play nice together!"

"Oh, but we are! Yeah, see, see? I told you he likes it! I think that's his happy scowl."

"More like my 'Leave me alone before I consider seriously maiming you' scowl."

"Haha! You're so funny. Wanna see mine? Okay, okay, I call this my 'Izzy turning into a werewolf and gonna bite you' scowl. _Rargh snarghle rahrah-_ Ooh, look! A drumstick!"

"Izzy, that is my foot- Put it down right _now_!"

"Okay, all right already! You don't have to kick. I mean, hello, I was just teasing you, haha. You didn't think I'd actually go and, like, bite your foot, did you? Ha ha… Go and bite his foot. Why would you think I'd do something crazy like that?"

"Put it _down_. Thank you."

"I mean, that would be, like, _so_ gross, haha. How often do you wash your feet anyway? And why am I even asking you that when I already know the answer, since I've snuck into your room to steal your soap while you sleep, like, a whole bunch of times. Hey, speaking of sneaking into your room, why don't you ever lock your window? I mean, not like I'm complaining or anything. It's, like, really hard to try picking the outside lock when you're dangling upside down- Have you ever done that? I have, haha, obviously, of course, but you probably haven't. Remember that one time when I, like, knocked on your window and you totally screamed like "Ahhhh!" and then I-"

Noah grabbed her shoulders and pushed her backwards into the pool, but Izzy was quick to react; she latched onto his wrists, and he tumbled in with her before he had the chance to let go. He came up spluttering, she laughing hysterically, and then she dunked his head beneath the water.

Ezekiel sneezed. Then, "Uh, Izzy, homie… He can't breathe, eh?"

"Well, duh! You're funny, Zeke. No one can breathe underwater. Not unless they have, like, gills or something. That would be kinda cool, you know, to have gills and- Whoa!" She gave a slight cough as one of Noah's flailing hands popped from the water and grabbed her around the neck. "Haha, little feisty there, aren't you, cookie? Okay, wow… Pulling me under! Pulling me under - He hit me! - Can't breathe, going under now- _Ahh_!"

Ezekiel watched anxiously, then looked around for his fellow ex-campers. All of them had drifted to the far side of the plaza, some of them whistling absently, hands clasped behind their backs. Even Justin, who claimed to have trained as a lifeguard, was far more interested in playing Go-Fish with Katie, Sadie, Lindsay, and Beth.

Eva gave a groan, set aside her empty mug, shrugged out of her blanket, and dove underwater. She came up a moment later with Noah over her shoulder, tossed him onto solid ground, sneezed, then faced the happily-bobbing Izzy. "I should not have to - _Choo!_ \- to tell you dumb pussycats not to drown each other."

Between his hacking coughs Noah spluttered, "I didn't drown the psycho! She drowned me!"

"Aw, it's like you're our mother or something. That's so adorable. Ooh, and Zeke can be, like, our really _crazy_ uncle! Every family has one, you know. Haha- Even mine! Ow, I think something that isn't Noah just bit me! Like, I dunno, maybe a seahorse or something."

Noah scoffed and said, "It's a pool, Izzy. There are no fish in there, and even if there were, seahorses don't have teeth."

"Island did flood yesterday though," Eva noted, casting a meaningful glance in Ezekiel's direction. His feet were out of the water instantly. Even Noah blinked at that and pulled a little bit away.

Izzy broke the surface again, a long, writhing… thing clutched in her fist. "Score!" she shouted, raising it in the air.

"Is that-?" Noah started to ask, but Ezekiel finished for him.

" _Choo._ 'lectric eel? Yo, yo, dogs! _The Zeke_ don't wanna be barbecued or nothin'!"

"He's harmless," Izzy assured them, tickling the squirming eel beneath the chin. "If he were electric, he would have tried frying us already, right? Haha, isn't he the cutest little thing?" She thrust him into Eva's face, and she flinched away as the eel attempted to bite her nose. "Think I'll call him Pretzel, 'cuz if I wanted to I could tie him into a pretzel knot like I did with all of Tyler's socks that one time."

"… Okay, how is it that we've all been sitting here for a good two hours now and none of us even realized that it was… Izzy. Izzy, it's biting on your finger. Stop. Just- stop."

"Haha, yeah, he likes biting me. Kinda like you did earlier, huh, Noah? I must be really tasty. Oh, maybe it's a werewolf too! Were-eels. Ha, now _that_ would be cool! Wouldn't that be cool?"

"Aw, forget this. _Kachoo!_ " Eva plopped herself down beside Ezekiel once more, and together they watched as Izzy scrambled from the water and ran off to show her new friend to Courtney and Trent. Both of them quickly shooed her away.

"That girl," Noah muttered, wiping his fingers dry on a large leaf, "is more than your average crazy bird."

A voice behind Ezekiel said, "Well, crazy bird is right. You should've seen her chasing the chickens, heh heh. Um… Soup and crackers, anyone?"

It was Cody, his hair all out of place and a bruise on one cheek. There were bloodstains on his shirt, and it took a few seconds for Ezekiel's panicked mind to register them as chicken blood. He cautiously accepted one soup bowl and Eva took the other, eyeing it with undisguised suspicion.

"Izzy… made this?"

"Well, uh, not exactly. DJ and I worked together to do the cooking, heh heh. Izzy just, um, killed the chickens for us. Heh. Yeah…"

She continued to stare into her bowl, then raised her spoon and let the soup dribble down off it. "This cannot be sanitary."

Cody looked hurt, and so Ezekiel made a show of slurping his own. " _Mmm_. Reminds me a' bein' back home on the farm. _Ah-ah-choo!_ Uh, my dad used a' make this stuff whene'er I got sick too. Thanks a lot, eh?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Eva muttered, tasting the soup herself. "Really appreciate it. Thanks, Cody."

Noah suddenly sat up. "You just called him Cody."

" _Ka-choo!_ So?"

" _So_ , I was just wondering what happened to 'Bandages' and 'Mummy Boy' and 'Mallowmar' and 'Chocodile' and 'Licorice'."

Eva sneezed twice more, then elbowed Ezekiel. "Look at that, Homeschool. Fruitcake's jealous."

"Ya got that right, homes. Just look at his eyes, eh?"

"Um, I'm just gonna… Heh heh, yeah." Cody scampered off, leaving Ezekiel in a fit of chuckling between his scratchy coughs. Noah watched them all dully for a few seconds more before turning back to his book.

"Whatev. Do forgive me for being curious about your sudden change in behavior, _Iron Woman_."

"Aw, stop sulking, Fruitcake. You know you're my favorite of all the dumb nerdy geekfolk at this dump."

"Yeah, and this is just my reading scowl. Not my sulking scowl."

"But y'know homes, maybe ya outta call him Noah e'ery once in awhile too, just a' be fair. _Ahchoo!_ Ya've a'ready started doin' that with Izzy sometimes."

"Huh. Maybe if he begs."

"I will not beg you to call me by my name."

"Fruitcake it is, then."

"Good."

"Is that a 'Whatever'-good or a 'Happy'-good?"

Noah shrugged, not looking up from his reading. Evidently he didn't know either. Ezekiel presumed it was the former- Noah didn't have a 'Happy-good'. He and Eva shared shrugs of their own, then went back to eating their soup in silence.

Beth returned to them after awhile, asking if there was anything else she could do to make them feel better, and an hour later they had cookies. Ezekiel didn't feel much like eating them, but he'd always made it a point to never turn down free cookies. And besides, even through his sickness he could tell that Beth wasn't too bad a cook. She was a farm girl and knew her wat around the kitchen. Could he make a better friend?

Harold told them again to head back to their rooms, or the infirmary if nothing else, but it was a pointless argument. Sitting out here and doing nothing but watching their fellow ex-contestants was a whole lot better than doing nothing while being bundled beneath warm, fluffy sheets…

… Well, maybe he had a point, but Ezekiel had been the first to arrive at Playa Des Losers. He was its king - its emperor - and he wasn't going to let this day pass by without him knowing exactly what was going on.

Harold continued to stay far away from them, constantly pulling hand-sanitizer out from his pocket and rubbing his hands. What a germaphobe.

Leshawna finally made her appearance mid-afternoon and, like Harold, gave both Ezekiel and Eva a wide berth. Ezekiel couldn't tell if she was avoiding them for their sickness or because she felt guilty that she hadn't caught it too. As she should. Eva started another muttered rant when she caught sight of Leshawna, and Ezekiel half-listened to her as he jumped checker after checker on the game board. At that she quit the game, flinging checker pieces into the air, and stomped off towards the opposite side of the plaza where Katie, Sadie, Lindsay, and Tyler had started a game of Rummy.

"Least she's feelin' well enough a' be mad," he commented to Noah, who rubbed his nose and murmured something incoherent as a reply.

"I'm startin' a' feel a little better too, eh. Thanks for askin'."

Noah gave a groan and slammed his book against his forehead. "I had eighteen books, and now I've finished all of them. _All_ of them, and this one I've read twice just since being here." His expression had a mournful _What now?_ written all over it.

"Well… You could always try workin' on your socializin' skills, homie. 'Fore meetin' you guys, _The Zeke_ didn't know anythin' 'bout teenspeak, but Beth and Justin and Coody've taught him lots. And your skills could really use some work too, eh?"

"There is nothing wrong with my socializing skills."

Ezekiel tilted his head a little bit. "Was that, uh, that sarcasm stuff?"

" _No."_ Noah pulled his feet up onto his chair and folded his arms, glaring in some random direction. "I mean it: I most certainly do not need to practice my socializing skills."

"But, homie… Other'n Eva and Coody and Bri'gette… ya really don't have any friends."

"I didn't come here to make friends."

"Well… Neither did Eva. _Ahchoo!_ "

"What does it matter, Homeschool? We're down to the final four. The competition's finished now. We'll spend one more week here and then we go home, never to see one another again. I. Don't. Need. Your. Friend. Ship."

"Huh." Ezekiel shook his head. "Well, I just think that if ya tried hangin' 'round with Beth for awhile, maybe you'd turn into a nicer person, eh?"

Noah opened his mouth to reply, but then he sneezed. He stared at his hands for a few long seconds, then gave a moan and curled himself up into a ball. "You've gotta be kidding me."

Ezekiel grinned. "Y'know homes, spendin' a day sick might be good for ya."

"I'm not sick. I'm not. People sneeze. It happens."

"Yeah… You keep tellin' yourself that, dog," Ezekiel said, sneezing too. "Think I'll ask Beth if she'll make some more cookies or somethin', eh? 'Tis what friends do. Or I could always get Izzy a' take care a' ya instead."

"Ugh. Hanging around you and Eva all day, 'showing my support in times of need', as Sadie put it, and this is the thanks I get for it? This is precisely why I don't need friends."

"Y'know, Coourtney told me that she wrote a book. 'Tis published and e'erythin', eh? She'd prob'ly be happy a' let ya read it, if she brought any copies with her."

After sneezing again Noah asked, "She's published a book?"

"See what ya can learn just from listenin' e'ery once in awhile? Now if ya just go and start talkin' to her 'bout it, you'll start makin' friends. Real simple-like."

"Yeah, I'd rather let Izzy try to hold me down and force-feed me some of Chef's mystery meat."

"Or you could try talkin' a' Harold. He was tellin' me all 'bout the psychology books he was readin' 'fore he came here."

"I don't- _Ahchoo!_ "

"Guys? Guys, look over there. I think Noah might be getting sick too."

"Ha! In your face, non-believer! Never doubt the mad skills of hand-sanitizer."

"I told you he'd get sick. He's no Justin. Justin's, like, _way_ too hot to catch a cold."

"Totally! And maybe catching a cold will help to, like, cool Noah off and make him into a nicer person."

Noah looked back at Ezekiel, rubbing self-consciously at his nose. "You want _me_ to try making friends with _them_? Sorry, but since I'm officially sick now, I think it's best if I stay away from them. I'm contagious."

"Or ya could sit with _The Zeke_ and listen to him talk 'bout the time he nearly got his arm ripped off by a wolf. Or 'bout the time Izzy tried runnin' him o'er with a horse and Noah didn't try savin' him. Or when Noah got 'liminated 'cuz he ne'er played dodgeball, eh? Or all those times that Izzy made ya scream when she snuck up behind ya. Or how Izzy startin' tellin' e'eryone that Noah had a nightmare 'bout bein' pummeled with dodgeballs that were actually giant marshmallows. Or that time when _The Zeke_ went huntin' crayfish and when he came back he and Eva… Y'know, I'll stop if ya just go o'er there and talk to Beth, homie."

Noah drummed his fingers on his knee, apparently weighing the pros and cons of each option.

" _Ahchoo._ A'right, so once upon a time, as Lindsay and _The Zeke_ were comin' back from testin' out the whole handcuff challenge-"

It worked every time.


	33. Building Bridges

"Her birthday."

"Uh… March 18th?"

Noah sniffled and shook his head. "Twentieth of July. We even celebrated it before you showed up. Her favorite color."

"Blue. Yes, score!"

"Can you be more specific?"

Geoff scratched his head. "… Light blue?"

"More of a turquoise. She calls it 'ocean blue'."

"Gosh," Harold scolded, taking another bite of his candy bar. "Even I know that."

"Favorite cake flavor."

"Um, well, there's…"

Ezekiel was able to answer that one. "Anythin' that Noah and Trent and Coody don't make, eh?"

Noah sneezed, then gave a glare that Ezekiel could see surprisingly well in the dark. "I'm not the one who added a tablespoon of salt into the frosting instead of a teaspoon."

"That's right. You were the one that only put in half the sugar you were s'posed to."

"And it was disgusting. Gosh."

"You guys had a birthday party for Bridge without me?" Geoff looked hurt. "Aw, man, that would've been way cooler than hangin' back at the campground."

"Trust me, you didn't miss much."

"Yeah, 'cept Noah and Eva got married."

When Geoff raised an eyebrow and held out a hand for a high-five, Noah only blinked his typical unimpressed blink. "She smashed cake into my face, and _Linds-iot_ thought we were celebrating 'our marriage'. I count my blessings every night that she didn't insist on watching us 'consummate' it."

"Nice going, dude. Though I never thought _you_ would be the kind to go for the tough girls."

"It was _not_ a wedding. It was Eva covering me with frosting, stealing my cake, and dumping a bowl of fruit on my head. _Achoo_. Ugh, stupid cold."

"Did you get a kiss?"

"Puh. Like I'd want one."

"I think you want her."

That made Noah look up, his puzzled eyes glinting as the moonlight reflected off of them. "Are we even talking about the same girl here? She locked me in the gym for twelve hours. She picked me up and carried me around like a surfboard. She tried to murder me with tennis balls. She wanted to tie me up and dangle me off the side of the roof. She nearly suffocated me with cake. _Achoo_. She's tried to drown me four times. _Homeschool_ here threw a potato at me once, and when I started having an allergic reaction, she refused to carry me to get medical treatment. She made me walk. And _then_ when I had another reaction to the apricot soup she was trying to 'nurse me back to health' with as an apology, she _walked away_. She didn't even care. She's like two of my brothers, three of my sisters, and my evil niece combined into one. Also," he added, sneezing again, "yesterday, she got me sick."

"You're wearing her purple Sasquatch hat, dude."

"Oh, yes. My 'Happy Hat'."

It was clear that Geoff was trying to keep a straight face when Noah said it so flatly, but after a few long seconds he couldn't hold in his laughter anymore. "Your _what_?"

Seeing as Noah was trying to say "It's not _that_ funny," between his sneezes, Ezekiel took it upon himself to explain.

"It was actually Izzy's idea, homes, but Eva went 'long with it easily enough. Think they said he had a' wear it 'til he 'cided a' try bein' happy or somethin'? Yeah… Says it ain't worth fightin' o'er, and he's been wearin' it since this mornin'."

"My fingers are not worth - _Achoo!_ \- arguing about wearing it for a day or two."

"Dude! That is _awesome!_ Sassy chick's got spunk!"

Harold snapped his second chocolate bar in half and tossed a piece into his mouth. "I think I have to agree with you, Geoff. All girls have spunk. It's why we like them so much. Take Courtney, for example. She's arguably insane, but somehow she got that jerk Duncan to fall for her. They deserve each other." He swallowed, picked up a cinnamon roll, then added, "Though ever since she humiliated me on camera, she's pretty much gotten over the whole revenge thing, so now I finally have the chance to kick back and relax with my lovely Leshawna."

"Cool, bro. And how's life been treatin' _you_ , Zeke?" Geoff asked, turning to him. "Katie mentioned that you had some sorta secret crush or something? Sweet."

"Oh, um… Heh." Ezekiel scratched desperately at the collar of his hoody. "Well, 'tis not exactly… I mean, there was this girl-"

"It's Beth, isn't it? Huh? Huh?" Geoff was elbowing him now, grinning that sickly grin of his. "I've heard the two of ya talkin'. Clever move, flirting with the Gopher girl who never directly heard what you said your first day at camp."

"Uh… uh…"

"I've seen the way you stare at her when her back is turned, dude. It's the way Bridgette probably looks at me. Two little farm kids sittin' in a tree… I'd say you have a chance with her. Huh, Zeke? Huh, Zeke?"

He swallowed. "Well, she is real nice."

"Have you gotten your first kiss yet? Pushed up her glasses and twirled her hair behind her ear? She clinging to your neck and standing up on her tiptoes as your heads tilt and you work your lips against her braces and your tongue-"

"Okay, can we change the subject now? This is uncannily starting to remind me of the conversations I have had with my three nephews. _Achoo_! Ah-ah- _achoo_! Ugh…"

With a shrug and a wink, Geoff flipped the conversation over to the final four contestants still in the game. As he and Harold started arguing over Duncan's chances at winning, Ezekiel leaned over to Noah and lowered his voice.

"Uh… Thanks for the save there, homes."

"Whatever. Don't mention it, Homeschool."

"I mean, it was real-"

"No, seriously. Don't mention it. _Achoo!_ " Noah rubbed at his nose, then looked back at him. "I seem to remember _you_ being one of the two people that got me sick, so unless you don't actually value your teeth as much as your stomach would imply…"

Ezekiel knew that Noah could not follow through on such a threat, but he also knew better than to goad him. With a yawn and a shrug of indifference, he stood. "Well, uh, 'tis gettin' pretty late. _The Zeke_ 's gonna be hittin' the hay now. 'Night, dogs."

ONe sneeze, one wave, one mumble.

"Tch." Ezekiel tucked his hands in his hoody pockets and started for the hotel. He was only a few steps away from it, his fingers nearly touching the handle, when the tan-glassed door suddenly flew open and a… _shape_ tackled him to the ground. Like some sort of giant mutant gopher, clawing, growling…

The train monster.

He let out a scream, and the shape suddenly sat back on its heels, wiping at its forehead and chuckling. "Oh, oh, my mistake, dude! I thought you were someone else, ha ha! You should see the look on your face! What a loser!"

Not. Funny.

"Aw, man, _dude_!" That would be Geoff, who was walking up with his hands outstretched in an _I can't believe you actually let me down!_ sort of way. "You're tellin' me you didn't even outlast Owen?"

It was Duncan, Ezekiel realized as the guy moved into the light of the lampposts, and he seemed about to answer Geoff's question when he saw Harold. Instantly he lunged forward, twisting Harold's wrists behind his back.

 _Aw!_ Idiot! Geoff… I won our bet, but I lost at fate. _Ow_!"

"Long time and no torment, huh nerdface? And just so you know, I'm _really_ not feeling very kindhearted towards stickybuns today, or the ones who happen to be eating them, so I'll just-"

"Hey, that was the last cinnamon roll! There _is_ a difference between- Aw, ouch! Gosh!"

After holding him in place for a few more seconds, Duncan released Harold and pushed him to the ground. "So," he said, straightening up and rubbing his hands, "Where's the spoiled freckle-nosed Bass princess and the rest of the chicks? There aren't even any other geeklings running about. Oh, hold on. Is that…? Ha!" Duncan slugged a mock punch in Noah's general direction, then cupped his hands around his mouth.

"Hey marshmallow-face! Heavy quilts and fuzzy ape hats aren't a good look for you! I'm not feeling particularly kindhearted towards Sasquatches either today, so if I didn't make a point of not beating up little weaklings when they're all sickly and helpless, you'd be in for a whole lotta pain right now! … Aw, what the heck."

With a great whoop, Duncan charged for Noah who, to his credit, hardly reacted - not at first, at least - either because he was too sick or because he was too stubborn. Duncan wrapped one arm around Noah's neck in a headlock, then licked a finger on his other hand and jabbed it into Noah's ear. Immediately after that he flipped Noah over his shoulder and into the pool.

"Oh, that was real mature!" he spluttered out when he came up, and sneezed three times in rapid succession. Duncan and Geoff only laughed, and even Ezekiel had a difficult time trying to smother his chuckles. Shaking his head, Noah picked up Eva's soaked Sasquatch hat, then sighed and muttered, "She won't be too happy about that."

"See," Duncan was telling Geoff, picking up Harold from where he lay on the ground, "it's not a mindless activity. It's an art form." He pitched Harold into the water after Noah, then looked around. "Where'd the sexist go?"

Ezekiel's fight-or-flight instinct sent him tearing across the plaza rather than towards the hotel door. He ran a full circle around the pool and in the dark slammed directly into Duncan, who had merely been standing there, waiting for him to come back.

Well, shoot. Not one of his better escape attempts, but it turned out to not be as bad as he'd expected. True, he did crack Harold's glasses a little bit when he landed on him, and Noah wasn't too happy when Ezekiel's flailing hands smacked him across the face, but it probably could've been worse.

Even so, Ezekiel took extra care in locking his window that night. Harold was a bit of a revenge seeker, as evidenced by what Courtney had said about him, and Noah had already proved how capable he was at pushing people off of buildings while they were tied up in ropes, which would be perfect for dangling Harold just outside the window like Izzy had a tendency of doing in the mornings.

Duncan? Ezekiel wouldn't be surprised if that guy knew how to scale the sheer sides of hotel walls.

…

"He's like Eva, 'cept he's a guy, and he actually _would_ try snappin' off my fingers just 'cuz I happen a' be standin' 'tween him and the buffet table or somethin'."

"He's like Eva," Geoff agreed, "but not anywhere near as hot. Eh, Noah? _Eh_ , Noah?"

"Okay, even Homeschool would be able to tell that that sounds wrong. I hope you aren't actually expecting me to reply to that. _Achoo!_ Ugh."

"Ooh, ooh, you know who else is hot?" That would be Sadie, and Ezekiel lifted his head from the table and watched her bounce up and down in her seat.

"… Justin?"

"Totally!" Sadie hugged him out of impulse, then hugged Katie, and then Noah and Geoff simply because they happened to be there before she finally restrained herself. "Seriously, I mean, I used to think Kyle Johnson was hot back in, like, seventh grade, but Justin is, like, _ten_ times hotter. Don't you think he's hot, Noah?"

"I refuse to participate in this conversation," he said, instead bowing his head and closing his eyes. Sadie shrugged, undaunted, though her smile faltered slightly as she turned her head.

"And what do _you_ think, Zeke?"

"Sure."

"Sure?"

"Sure. _The Zeke_ 'd ne'er want a' kiss him or nothin', but maybe he'd feel different if he were a girl like you, eh?"

A second time with the faltering smile, as if Sadie were trying to decode his words for sexist undertones and determine if he were poking fun at her, but she gave up abruptly when Duncan joined them with his tray of food, saying, "Who're we talking about that's hot?" but he didn't wait for a reply. Instead he said, "You not sleep well last night or something, dodgeball-dodger? What's up with you making that face?"

Noah opened his eyes to slits. Daring Duncan to continue. "Oh, no reason. _Achoo._ Just reflecting on my family's mix of Christian and Hinduish customs and attempting to say a bit of grace over my food before digging into it like some mindless animal." He cocked one brow when he received no reply, Ezekiel looked down at his own plate in shame, but Duncan only shrugged.

"Hey, I don't diss on religions. I'm not _that_ much of a jerk."

"Clearly."

"So then, does the fact that I'm eating this big, fat steak right in front of you bother you or something? If you're half Hindu or whatever?"

"I'm sure I will be able - _Achoo!_ \- to get over it," Noah replied, casting a glance in Eva's general direction. "It seems to be a very complex religion, but I don't remember hearing anything that prevents me from forgiving your apparent cultural insensitivity, or whatever."

There was a brief lull in the conversation, filled with the sounds of chewing, and Ezekiel prodded uncomfortably at his smoothie with his straw, but then Duncan said, "Hindus cremate their dead guys, don't they? So where exactly do you stand on the idea of a zombie apocalypse?"

"Well, one thing's for sure: I wouldn't be caught _dead_ playing sports."

That was enough to make Geoff lose it. He fell from his stool and splashed into the water, shouting, "That is _awesome_ , dude!" Ezekiel gave a slight "Heh. That's funny," and Katie and Sadie giggled nervously. Even Duncan did a bit of a spit-take, and he was grinning when he sat back.

"You know, you're almost all right for a geekling."

Noah's response was, in its entirety, a blank stare followed by a sneeze and then by taking a bite out of his sandwich.

"Going back to the whole steak thing though, does this mean that you and Miss Musclehead over there won't be swappin' spit any time soon?"

"If I cared enough to answer that, I would. But I don't, so I won't."

"Y'know, I almost can't tell if you're just in denial or if you're actually serious. Almost." Duncan went back to slicing up his steak after that, humming 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' under his breath, but otherwise there was merely more chewing and silence.

Finally Geoff broke it with a snicker. "Heh. Zombie sports. That was awesome, man."


	34. Some Don't Dance

It wasn't quite a thump so much as a pulse. It echoed through the walls, shaking the floor, stirring Ezekiel from his half-asleep state into more of a wakefulness.

"… What?"

His ears continued to ring. He rolled out of bed and stumbled to his window, and after a moment of fighting with the lock, he thrust it upwards. The thumps poured in. It was dark. Ezekiel was an early riser, often out by the pool before the sun had fully come up, but this… This was definitely still night, even for him. Blinking and covering one of his ears he called, "Yo, yo, dawg! What's goin' on out there?"

A shape stepped beneath one of the lampposts and shielded its eyes. Geoff. "Sorry, dude!" he shouted back. "Hey, as long as you're up, you wanna come out and help us get ready for the wicked party? Gonna last all day, and it's gonna be _awesome_!"

He grimaced. The thumping. Constant, like horse hooves, which brought back plenty of bad memories on its own, especially for someone who had just been roused from his sleep, and anyway, as his eyes started to adjust to the darkness Ezekiel could see Duncan out there too. So no, setting up the party was exactly what he didn't want, and he told them so. Geoff merely said, "Cool, bro," and waved good-bye as Ezekiel shut his window again. It took several minutes after that for him to figure out what time it even was: Three forty-eight in the morning.

"Yo, yo," he mumbled, and flopped back onto his bed, rubbing his temples. He wasn't sure how long he lay there, or even if he fell asleep, only that at one point there was knocking on his door.

"Huh? Uh, 'tis unlocked, eh?"

It was Noah, arms folded, eyelids heavy. Really then, he didn't look that much different from usual. "Is it any quieter in your room, Homeschool?" he wanted to know, "and if it is, can I come in?"

Ezekiel let him, though he doubted Noah would find the noise any more bearable. For lack of anything better to do he took a deck of cards from his dressertop and allowed Noah to teach him how to play Slapjack, which wasn't so tough; Bartok, which he wasn't very good at; Mao, which was similar to Bartok except twelve times more annoying; and a rather stunted, two-player version of some game called Seep. Eventually there was another knock on the door, and since Ezekiel was now feeling more awake, he opened it himself.

"Dude, it's like… Seven in the morning, and you're still in here. That isn't really like you. Aren't you going to come out to the party?"

"Geoff just earned himself a penalty of one card for asking a question!" Noah called from his place on the floor, but Ezekiel ignored him.

"'Tis a'ready seven? Huh. _The Zeke_ didn't e'en notice. Wow. He's feelin' a little off a' it after all that thumpin'."

"There's some rockin' music, some great food, some dancing-"

That immediately put Ezekiel on the defensive. "Uh, I don't- I don't really… dance or nothin'. Think I'll just stay-"

"Aw c'mon, man," Geoff wheedled. "It's a _party_. A wicked awesome _party_."

"But, uh… I'm not real sure I'll know how to act. I mean-"

"What is with you people and having never gone to a party?" ("One-card penalty for Geoff!") He shook his head. "At least come outside and hang out with the gang. All the _cool_ kids are out there."

"Gee, thanks," Noah grumbled.

"Well… Yeah, okay, homes. Could be real fun, eh?"

"Sweet, dude! Put on some sunscreen, maybe change into your trunks, and we'll see ya out there."

Geoff left then and Ezekiel, smiling a bit now, shut the door and turned back to face a scowling Noah. "What?" he asked defensively, smile fading. "No one's e'er invited _The Zeke_ to a party afore."

They'd returned to Bartok, but Noah must have still been stuck on Mao because he simply threw down three sevens and said, "Have a very, very, very nice day."

He met Eva in the hallway as she was heading for her room, arms loaded down with muffins and chips. She took one look at Ezekiel and said, "No. Just no. You can't make me go out there."

"Huh?"

"You deaf? I _said,_ 'You can't make me go out there', so if Cowboy and Mohawk put you up to this-"

"Yo, _The Zeke_ ne'er said nothin' 'bout tryin' a' make ya come outside if ya don't want to."

"Oh. Well… I just thought you should know." She kicked at the wall, then moved on, muttering something under her breath that sounded a lot like, "Dumb dancing, dumb music, dumb girls, dumb dresses, my food."

"Tch."

The thumping was even louder when Ezekiel finally stepped outside, but surprisingly it didn't bother him so much anymore now that he was awake and actually willing to participate. "Yo, yo, yo, dawgs!" he called. " _The Zeke_ is at the pool. Word!"

"What?" That was Katie- She had to shout over the music even though she was only over at the buffet table with Sadie.

"I said- _Ack!_ " An arm wrapped around his neck and pulled him backwards, and then Duncan was scrubbing his knuckles into his head through his toque.

"Good to see you could make it, hat-hair. Bring the marshmallow-face or the musclebound chick with ya?"

"Uh, nope, nope. Just me, eh?"

"Eh, that's their loss then. Go on, Homeschool, have some cake. And feel free to break some stuff too- I'm not the one paying for all this."

Ezekiel blinked at the buffet table. "Where'd ya get a cake like that, dog? It's… real beautiful."

"I have my ways," was Duncan's smug reply. "This one happened to be named Tabitha Collins." He looked away then, suddenly distracted. "Okay, seriously, where the heck is Courtney?" With a shove of good-bye, he jogged off in search of her.

For a moment Ezekiel simply stood there, staring around and blinking a whole lot. A thick orange extension cord snaked its way across the yellow tiles, providing the radio box-boom thing with plenty of juice, or however that saying went. Someone had collected a lot of glittery objects and tried to create some sort of ball with them. Izzy was now running around in circles with it over her head, occasionally stopping to dance with her fellow ex-contestants.

And speaking of dancing, Eva had been wrong. Girls did dance, that was true, but none of them were wearing dresses. Leshawna, Harold, and DJ were dancing on the far side of the pool. Geoff and Bridgette danced together. Sadie began dancing with Justin while Katie danced with Trent. They all seemed to be having fun. Even Lindsay asked, "Are _you_ Tyler?" to her proper courter and gave a gleeful squeal when he told her 'Yes'.

Ezekiel joined Cody and Beth, who had apparently decided to be different and go for a more waltz-like feel. They looked ridiculous with their fumbling feet and it was clear that they both knew it, but they were laughing.

"Hi Zeke!" Beth gushed to him, waving happily as Cody tried to dip her downwards. "Did you try any of my cake yet? It's chocolate. That's your favorite, right? _Whoa!_ "

"Did you say chocolate?" Cody asked, dropping her in an instant. "Where?"

Beth picked herself up from the ground with a strained smile as she watched him bolt off. "That's boys for you," she teased, and accepted Ezekiel's hand when he offered to pull her up. "Have you seen Courtney, Eva, and Noah yet today?"

"Uh, not… really. Why?"

"Well, they're going to miss out on all the fun. And chocolate is Eva's favorite cake flavor too. Well, second after lemon, but it's a close second."

"How do ya e'en _know_ that?"

"I heard her mention it while we were all celebrating Bridgette's birthday," she replied, taking his hands. Then, before he could stop her, she placed her left hand over his right shoulder and began trying to waltz with him too. "I'm really good at remembering random facts about everyone."

"Huh. Guess ya would a' been great at that trivia contest we had right 'fore ya showed up here, eh?"

"Oh yeah, Katie told me about that. Too bad I missed it- I think it would have been really fun. Hey, why'd you and her stop making all those little challenge things anyway?"

"Oh, you know… "

Beth tilted her head. "Was it because everybody kept telling you they were bad ideas?"

Instead of directly answering her he said, "Uh, homes? Think I'm s'posed a' be the one who leads here, eh?"

"Do you _know_ how to lead?"

"Well. Um. No."

Beth nodded, satisfied, and continued dragging him through their awkward dance. "They weren't bad ideas, you know. At least not most of them. While they lasted, I thought they were kinda fun. I mean, the pool is great and all, but when you've been here for, like… four weeks or something, you really start wishing for a change in routine, you know?"

"People were gettin' hurt," he mumbled. "The gophers. The jet skis. No one thought my ideas were fun."

"Did _you_ think your ideas were fun, Zeke?"

He shrugged noncommittally. Beth stretched up and placed her palm against his cheek. "If you enjoyed them, then you shouldn't let anyone bully you into stopping."

"Well… _The Zeke_ did have this idea for a sorta bug-collectin' contest…"

"See, that's the spirit!" She beamed at him, showing each of her braces. "You shouldn't always just go along with what the others tell you if you don't want to. Trust me: After Heather, I know."

As he spun her around, or maybe she spun him, Ezekiel caught a glimpse of his window. More specifically he saw Noah at his window, staring blankly at them all and covering his ears with his hands. He cocked his head. Maybe she could be right. He _had_ enjoyed his games. A lot, in fact. And it _had_ stung deep in his gut when the others turned their backs and went off to do something they wanted to do rather than play around with him.

"Uh, 'scuse me," he muttered, disentangling his fingers from her own. "I'm, uh… Just gonna bring Coourtney and Eva and Noah some a' that great cake ya made, eh?"

…

"Er… Noah, homie, I think I owe you an apoology."

"What for, in exact detail?"

Ezekiel puffed out his sunburned cheeks. With his gaze on the carpet between the two sides of the doorframe, he rubbed the back of his hat. "Well, I just… I felt kinda lousy that I ran out on ya after ya taught me how to play all a' those games. Di'n't e'en thank ya for it. Anyway, I brought ya some really good chocolate cake. Um… please try not ta get crumbs all o'er my bed or on the floor or nothin', eh?"

Noah stared at him as he slowly took the cake, then said, "Okay, I think you've been hanging around Eva, Katie, Sadie, Courtney, and Beth too long."

"Huh?"

"Um, let's see now- Oh yeah. Just the way you've been going and tripping over your own feet, apologizing to everyone every time you think you say the wrong thing. All the time. It's starting to get a little weird."

"Well, I just learned my lesson, I guess," he mumbled back, rubbing his throat. "I can try goin' back to bein' rude if ya _want_ , but-"

"This is really good cake," Noah said in surprise, taking his finger from his mouth. "Much better than that stuff we had at Bridgette's birthday. Who made it?"

"Beth did. She's a real strange girl, eh? Takes care a' the pigs and rides horses like a guy and cooks maybe e'en better'n _The Zeke_."

"You've got that right, Homeschool," he replied, tasting the cake again. And he smiled. "Really, this isn't bad at all."

Eva was next. Ezekiel knocked cautiously on her door and she immediately shouted, "Go away!"

"Eva dog? It's _The Zeke_. I brought ya some a' the cake from the party."

"I'm not going out there! You can't make me!"

"Aw c'mon, homes! 'Tis chocolate. Beth said it's your favorite, eh? Euh, second favorite. After lemon."

"I'm not like Cody. Bandages. Whatever. You can't bribe me with sugar! Last dumb cake I had was horrible. Why should this one be any different?"

Ezekiel rolled his eyes. "'Cuz Beth made it herself, and she cooks like a guy. Maybe e'en a little better."

"Whatever. I'm still not going out there, and you can't make me."

His brows scrunched together. "Yo, _The Zeke_ 's gettin' real tired a' standin' outside your door, eh? You gonna try any a' this cake or not? C'mon, just take it. I won't tell anybody if ya ne'er try it, e'en though you should 'cuz it's real tasty… Eva? Dawg?"

"Not hungry, Homeschool. Go away."

Ezekiel squinted at her door. He squinted at the cake. He looked down the hall in the general direction of the pool, where the thumping music was still trickling in from. He squinted at his fingers. Then he sighed and nudged the door open just slightly. "Eva-"

The rest of his sentence was going to be 'Ya really don't sound like yourself right now, homes' but he stopped abruptly when he saw her, because he only would have been stating the obvious. She had tucked herself into the far corner of her room, curled up into a loose fetal position, and she was clutching at one of the poppy-seed muffins she had stolen from the buffet table. She glared when he came in, but overall she gave off a very un-Evalike air.

"Uh-"

"Say one word and you're dead. I don't care if you're Homeschool, I don't care if you're Izzy, I don't care if you're Bunny Boy or Cody or Red or Feathers or Pretty-Boy or Fruitcake or whoever. One word comes out of your mouth, and you die."

He wasn't sure how to react. What exactly _were_ you supposed to do when you found the strongest, bravest, toughest, meanest girl you knew… Well, like this.

Girls were so weird.

Ezekiel took a step further into her room, then another and another, finally stopping when she growled at him again. He flinched away, but when she made no move to attack him he slowly set the plate of cake on the floor. Then he moved it towards her. Little smidge by smidge.

It was definitely the most ridiculous thing he had done all week. But what was he supposed to do?

Eva watched, dull-eyed, as he approached her. He wanted to remind her how good the cake was, wanted to say that Beth could cook better than any girl or guy that he'd ever met, wanted to ask her what was wrong, but he said nothing.

Was that wrong of him? She had threatened him, sure, but what would a good friend have done? Would a good friend stay by her side despite what she had said? Would he respect her words and give her space?

For a moment, Ezekiel wished that he could be like Noah. Or even Beth. They would have known what to do, what to say to her. They always knew things like that.

But he was Ezekiel, and he didn't know. He had grown up sheltered and homeschooled, and he didn't know what to do. He was a little sexist who had a hard enough time figuring out how to act without causing girls to murder him on a daily basis, let alone figuring out how to act around a girl when she was clearly traumatized. And not just any girl, but Eva.

 _Eva_ , of all people. It was like there were two of them, these Evas: The Eva who enjoyed strangling him on a daily basis, had thrown him in the pool more often than he could count, had threatened to stuff him into a woodchipper, had nearly drowned Noah four times, had turned a Sasquatcha-whatsit into a hat, had tried breaking his bones with tennis balls, hadn't stepped in to save him from Izzy's crazy horse, had clubbed him over the head with a frying pan…

… And the Eva who had smiled and laughed with him and patted him on the head at the dock that time he thought she would be leaving practically forever, had twice saved him from drowning during that flood, had sat with him when they were sick, had talked with Cody when he was bandaged, had formulated the plan to rescue Harold from Courtney's wrath, had tried nursing Noah back to health with that apricot soup… This other Eva… Maybe she had been there the whole time.

Girls were so… so…

… So then, who was the other Ezekiel?

He knew the answer to that question, and it made him glance away from his hands in shame.

"I don't dance," Eva said suddenly.

Ezekiel continued to stay silent. Instead of replying, he picked up the plate of chocolate cake and held it out towards her. Gave it a slight twitch. Coaxing her. She stared at him and then, very slowly, she offered him her muffin in exchange.

"You want to tell someone."

He pursed his lips at her, not quite sure what she meant by that at first.

"The Beth girl? Cody? Fruitcake?"

This time he nodded. Her window was still closed, but it didn't quite keep out the thumping, pulsing noise of Geoff and Duncan's party. Was it the music that had driven Eva into the safety of her room? Someone was whooping ecstatically now, and he heard either Sadie or Katie or possibly both give one of their infamous squeals.

Maybe it wasn't the music. Maybe it was the voices, with all of their yelling to be heard over one another and the sounds coming from the box-boom.

Was it the dancing? Izzy's ball of glittery objects?

"But you won't… Will you?"

Tell. He needed to tell Noah. Noah would know what to do.

Ezekiel shifted his eyes away from the window to find Eva with her eyes shut tight, bouncing her forehead against the wall and muttering "Stupid, stupid" under her breath, the cake untouched on its plate in her hands.

He started talking.

He told her why he was afraid of horses. He told her about his dream of the train monster. He told her about chasing mice around his barn back home. He told her about hunting deer with his father. He told her about his family's pigs. He told her about the first time his mother had called him 'Michael'. He told her about when he and Courtney had thrown water balloons from the roof. He told her about getting his arm stuck in the pool filter. He told her about the time Harold had been attacked by a moose. He told her about tricking Geoff into following an imaginary ice cream truck. He told her about making pizza with Trent. He told her about when Izzy had kissed him in an attempt at upsetting Chris. He told her about sneaking back to camp with Izzy, into the Bass cabin, in search of candy to give to Bridgette. He told her about playing Bartok and Mao with Noah. Eventually he trailed off and they simply… sat.

One hour. Possibly another.

"This is dumb," Eva said.

And it was. It was easily the dumbest thing he had done since being sick. It was _definitely_ the dumbest way he'd spent his time during his entire stay at Playa Des Losers, up until then.

No one was making him stay there. Eva hadn't even asked. Ezekiel wanted to go back out to the party, eat some more of that cake and try dancing with Beth again, or maybe even Bridgette if he could - he might never get another chance - but when his quiet gray eyes locked on her light amber-brown ones, he found himself wrapping his arms around his knees, and he didn't dare get off the floor.


	35. Float Like a Firefly

"No, _no_ ," Duncan scolded, snatching Ezekiel's pen away, "'Climb the tallest tree'? 'Run a lap around the island'? What is this? Dude, the whole point is to come up with something that Heather would suck at and Owen would be able to win. He's too overweight to run or climb. Do you _want_ him to lose? Do you _want_ Heather to win the hundred thousand?"

"Ooh…" Ezekiel took back his pen, crossed out the first few dares on his list, then wrote 'Chew your own toenail slowly'.

Snort. "Where's your killer instinct, Homeschool?"

"What? Sadie thought it was real disgustin' when _The Zeke_ did it."

"Come on, dude! _Beth_ wrote down something about re-chewing Harold's old gum and diving into a pool filled with leeches. Trent has 'Keep ten raw eggs in your mouth for a full minute'. Even _Noah_ managed to come up with something as deadly as wrestling an alligator underwater. You're telling me that the worst thing you could think of has to do with chewing toenails?"

Ezekiel started to add 'Have Izzy run you over with a horse' to his card, but he didn't quite finish, because a heartbeat later, someone tackled him from behind.

"Wha- _Gagk!_ "

It was Lindsay, if the familiar choking arms around his neck were anything to go by. Really was sad that he could add 'familiar' into that description. In the time it took for Ezekiel to loosen them enough to breathe again she had collapsed against his shoulder and begun to shake with light sobs.

"Yo, yo, Lindsay-dawg," he said, patting her hand. "What's goin' on with ya?"

"It's T-Tyler! Ava k-killed Tyler!"

Duncan nearly dropped his sandwich. "Whoa- Chick did _what_ now?"

"She's talking about her firefly," Beth said, reaching up to place a comforting hand on one of Lindsay's shoulders. Her tone was rather flat, as if she'd told the story twelve times already and could foresee she'd have to do it twelve more before the twilight had faded into full-on dark. "She saw it buzzing around and she named it Tyler. Then Eva and Noah and Izzy started trying to catch all the fireflies, and Tyler got squished."

Lindsay began wailing again. Ezekiel tried to push her away and Duncan covered his ears and said, "It's just a stupid bug- Go and find another one. They're all over the place tonight. Look, there's one over there by Leshawna and Dorkface."

Dares for the final-three challenge could wait. Sobbing Lindsays could not. Physically. If someone didn't take care of her, there would be shouts or even threats flying through the air, and that would be the end of their pleasant evening barbecue. Ezekiel stood with a sigh and took her hand. "C'mon, homes. _The Zeke_ 'll help ya find a new Tyler, eh?"

"Yeah, go with Zeke," Beth said, hastily backing up. "I, um… I've gotta go help Cody. He's, er, choking. Hang on Cody, I'm coming!"

"Tch. Girls. C'mon, Linds." Ezekiel led her over towards Katie and Sadie, who had already managed to gather five or six fireflies in a jar by working together.

"No," Sadie said, " _that_ one is Justin. His light's the brightest, so that means he's hotter than all the others, remember?"

"Are you sure? Because this one looks _way_ brighter."

"Oh, you might be right… I don't know, then."

"I have an idea. Let's just name them _all_ Justin!"

"Oh my gosh, I was totally just about to say, like, that _exact_ same thing!" Both of them clapped and squealed over this discovery, and then looked up when Ezekiel and Lindsay's slight shadows blocked the warm glow from the nearest lampposts.

"Yo-"

"Zeke! Oh my gosh, Sadie and I were, like, _totally_ talking about you just a few minutes ago. And Sadie has something that she _really_ wants to tell you. Don't you, Sadie?"

Lindsay started blubbering into his shoulder again when she saw the jar of fireflies. "Uh," he began, "this might not be the greatest time for any kind a'-"

Sadie only sighed and stood. "Okay, okay, fine. Look, Zeke. Some of the things I've said to you haven't, um… been as nice as they could have been. A lot of them, actually. Probably most of them. But Katie says that you're actually, like, a really cool guy… And I guess you are kinda cute-"

"Oh, he is so _totally_ cute," Katie agreed. She sat back on her heels and gave Ezekiel a wide smile. "Okay, so yesterday Sadie and I decided that you were, like, number seven on our 'Cutest Guys at Camp' list after, like, Justin and Trent and Tyler and Duncan and Cody and Noah. Like, you're nowhere near hot-cute, but you're puppy-cute."

"Tyler?" Lindsay asked, raising her head. Her lower lip began to tremble. "My… my Tyler. He was the cutest little thing, and now he's been murdered!"

"Uh… Thanks, dawgs, but-"

Sadie made a lunge for him then, but Katie caught her arm and held her back.

"Let me go! He called me a dog- you heard!"

"Okay, but he _totally_ didn't mean anything by it, so we can blow it off and it'll be fine. _Right_ , Zeke?"

"Yeah, yeah, word." Ezekiel paused to pry Lindsay's fingers from his shoulder, then pointed at the jar of fireflies nestled in the grass by Sadie's foot. "Look, homes. You can get a new Tyler, eh? Katie'n Sadie've a'ready caught-"

"And now you're trying to steal our _lightning bugs_? That's so totally not okay."

Even Katie narrowed her eyes a bit at that. "Oh, I know, right? That is so not cool, Zeke. Why don't you go and catch your _own_ fireflies?"

"Tyler is _still_ _dead!_ "

"Tch…" Shaking his head, Ezekiel dragged her off without even bothering to say good-bye to the two girls. "Ne'er mind, homie. We'll just head into the forest a little bit and catch 'em ourselves, eh?"

But Lindsay was no longer listening to him. Instead she suddenly stiffened up and pointed a finger in Eva's direction.

" _You_!" she cried, taking a step forward. She was surprisingly strong, especially for a girl, and especially with her skinny arms, and another step was enough to drag Ezekiel after her. Eva had been holding Izzy back from 'The flying glowy marshmallows', but the redhead wriggled free when her captor glanced away, distracted by Lindsay's voice. "You… Why did you do it?" And then she was bawling again. "My little Tyler wouldn't have hurt a fly!"

"Uh, Lindsay-dawg? Tyler kinda _was_ a fly."

"You're saying 'was'! Why do we have to say 'was'? Nw he's a dead fly. Erica killed him! Why? _Why_?" Lindsay fell to her knees as she yelled that last part, sobbing uncontrollably, and since she was still gripping Ezekiel's wrist, he went down with her.

"This is dumb," Eva muttered, and folded her arms. After listening for a moment more she finally snapped, "Look, I'm sorry, all right? It was an accident. Yeesh."

"Tyler is dead, and that's all you can say about it?"

"All I tried to do was catch the dumb insect. Closed my hands just a little too tight- that's _all._ It wasn't supposed to be personal."

"Why'd you do it? At least let me hear the motive."

"It was just a dumb bug! Get over it already!"

Ezekiel sighed and patted Lindsay's head with his free hand. "Think she ain't gonna stop 'less ya bring her a new one, homes."

"Aw, forget this!" Eva raised a hand, apparently intending to slap Lindsay's cheek with it, which only caused her to scream in panic. She wrapped her arms around Ezekiel's neck and made him splutter for air, but Eva's blow never came. Her hand dropped to her side when Noah kicked her in the ankle and shot her a fierce glare.

"Ignore her," he said to Lindsay. "She's just playing. We're trying to socialize her."

"Playing, eh?" Ezekiel repeated, cowering behind the blonde girl. Eva stared at him, then simply gave a snort of, "Whatever," before she spun on her heel and marched off.

"Oh my gosh." Lindsay's face had gone pale. "She is, like, way scarier than Heather and that boy with the green hair combined. I can't _believe_ you actually stood up to her like that."

"Right," Noah said, kneeling beside her. "Listen. If I just give you my firefly, will you promise to stop crying?"

"You want to give it to me?"

"Sure. Like Iron Woman said, it's just a bug. She can catch me more."

"Aw, that's so sweet of you." With a slight giggle, Lindsay took his hands in her own. "I think I'll name it Nate, after you!"

Noah only sighed. "Whatever," he mumbled, and headed off after Eva.

"Huh. It looks like someone's feeling a little cranky today. Well, _I_ thought it was sweet of him. Do you think he likes me?"

Ezekiel didn't even look up from massaging his wrist. It seemed to tingle something awful, but surely that was all in his head. Lindsay's grip couldn't _really_ have cut off the circulation of his blood. "Nah, Noah don't like _any_ one, 'cept Bri'gette. The rest, like Eva an' Izzy, he just kinda tolerates. Think he just didn't like listenin' to all a' your cryin', eh?"

"Oh." Lindsay raised her clasped hands to her eye and peered in through her fingers. "That's good, because I'm already dating Tyler. I mean the real Tyler- not the one that Ava killed."

"Look, Princess Lindsay," a voice mumbled from behind them, and she and Ezekiel both turned to see Duncan walking over, his bare feet scuffing and dragging in the grass and sand. "I found you a new Tyler, so if you open your hands-"

"Oh, that's okay, Dustin. Nolan already caught one for me, so I don't need it anymore. Thanks anyway, though. That's nice that you offered."

Duncan blinked rapidly several times in surprise. " _Noah_ beat me to the punch?"

"Punch?" Ezekiel was on alert for Eva immediately. "Where? _Oww!_ Yo, yo, dog! What was that for, eh?"

"Yeah, why'd you kick poor Zach? He wasn't hurting anybody."

"Because copy-cat Noah has conveniently disappeared, that's why," Duncan retorted, and gave him another kick before running off to join Courtney and Trent on the far side of the pool.

"Tch." Ezekiel rubbed his sore arm. "I really doon't like that guy."

"I think I changed my mind," Lindsay said, anxiously clutching Nate the firefly close to her chest. "He is _totally_ scarier than Eva is."

"He's only been here for two days and a'ready I think I hate him more'n I hate anyone else. Makes me want a' try beatin' him up or somethin' someday, eh?"

Lindsay's blue eyes went huge. "Oh my gosh, don't even _joke_ about that, Zach. He'd kill you! Like Eva killed Tyler! But worse!"

"Yo, _The Zeke_ ain't stupid! He'd ne'er do that for real. But, y'know… He'd still kinda like to." His eyes wandered over the stars. He made a strangling motion with his twitching fingers. "Just pounce on 'im when he ain't expectin' it, eh? Wrestle him inta the dirt, beat on his head with my fists while I sit on his back ta pin 'im down flat." Ezekiel folded his arms behind his head and lay back in the grass. "Huh. Look, Lindsay-dawg. Ya can see the big bear real nice from out here this evenin'."

She followed his gaze, then she looked down at her hands for a moment. At last she stretched out her arms and released Nate from between her fingers; he zipped away into the night.

Ezekiel sat up. "Yo, why'd ya do that, homie? Noah worked real hard tryin' a' catch it for ya, eh?"

Lindsay chewed on her lip for a moment, then tugged at it with her fingers. "I know, and I feel kinda bad, but… I'd be sad if it didn't get to be with all of the other fireflies in the sky, you know?"

"Huh." Girls were so weird. "But, uh… Ya get that those are _stars_ , right?"

"Oh, I know _a lot_ about stars."

"Ya do?"

"Duh. I watch, like, tons of movies. I've even been to Hollywood- twice! I grew up in California for a few years."

"… All right then." He lay down in the grass again, listening to his fellow ex-campers either laughing or arguing with each other all around him. "Lindsay-dawg… Where d'ya think we go after we die?"

"Oh, I think I read a book like that one time."

" _You_ read a book?" Ezekiel regretted the words immediately and sat bolt upright, eyes widening, clamping a hand over his mouth as Lindsay shot him a hurt look. "I didn't mean it, eh!"

"It's all right, Zeke," she replied after a few seconds, squeezing him around the neck. "I forgive you."

' _I forgive you'_. He blinked at that, at the way she'd said them like they were the easiest three words in the world to say. How was it that Eva had spent almost six more weeks with him than Lindsay had, and yet the bubbly blonde girl had told him those words first?

"Anyway, I hope that when we die, we end up in a place that's just like this, you know? With a big, warm pool and great food, sunshine… Ooh, and a mall where everything is half-off all the time, and it's always open, even on Sunday. There _has_ to be a mall, or I would, like, die. And I hope that all of our friends could be there too. Especially Tyler and Belle, and also Trent because he's kind of cute, and Lafawnda because she locked Heather in the fridge, but not Ava or Duncan. They're really mean. They shouldn't be there." With that, she stretched out in the grass beside him. "So, it's supposed to be my turn to ask now, right? What do _you_ think happens when we die, Zach?"

Ezekiel frowned up at the sky, his hands now folded lightly over his stomach. "Well… My aunt used a' tell me an' my cousins an' their cousins on the other side a' their family that in heaven, e'erythin' that was e'er wrong in the world gets fixed. No more war and no more sickness and no more pain. E'erybody is whole again. Say, if Coody had died when he was stuck in that wheelchair a' his, he would a' been all back to normal in heaven, eh?"

"You're talking about someone specific, aren't you?"

"Huh?"

Lindsay rolled over, propping her elbow in the grass and her cheek in her hand. She made a knowing spiral motion with her fingertip. "I could hear it in like, the way you said, 'No more sickness, no more pain'. You were thinking of someone, weren't you?"

"Yeah. Kind of. Yeah, I guess so."

"What's she like?"

"… You're startin' a' scare me now, homes."

"Well, it was obvious that you were talking about a girl. I am, like, really good at figuring out that kind of stuff, no matter what Noah says. Shoot- Nate, I mean. I said Nate. Don't tell him I called him Noah, Zach. Um… You _were_ talking about a girl, weren't you?"

Ezekiel scratched behind his ear. "You could say that."

"Before she got sick or hurt, was she really pretty?"

"She's still real pretty, eh."

"Oh, that's good." Lindsay patted at her hair. "Daddy told me that prettiness was, like, what really gets a girl far in life, and I would _so_ hate to not be pretty. So what happened to her?"

He blew out a long stream of air. "She just… She just got sick. Real sick. The sick that makes ya go kinda crazy, homes."

"Did she die?"

"Well, no, but- _Oof!_ " Ezekiel jerked upright, clutching at his stomach, while Izzy merely scrambled off shouting, "Get back here, flying marshmallows! Izzy is not gonna let you little glowbugs get away from her again!"

"Iz, come back! That would be super-bang messed-up for your health!"

"Haha, make me, Tyler! Insects like those bad boys have lots of protein in them! Oh, oh, this one time when I was hiding out in the woods with my friends the beavers-"

"Think she broke some a' my ribs," Ezekiel moaned, staring after the disappearing redhead. "Y'know, sometimes I think that Izzy might a' caught the insanity disease too, eh. Tch… Girls."

Lindsay looked at him again, her face screwed up. It was a frightening expression to be staring out at him in the darkness, with the lamppost far behind her so most of her front was deep in shadow, but the only thing she did was hug him once more.

"I forgive you, Zach. Now come on. I want us to go and catch more Tylers, and then introduce them to my real boyfriend. It'll be like a great big Tyler party!"

Sometimes it was just better to humor her.

"Sure, homes. Whate'er ya say. This'll be the best, uh, 'Tyler Party' ever, eh? Word."


	36. Something Wicked This Way Comes

They had all been sitting at the poolside, listening as Trent strummed out a song on his guitar, and when the screech echoed over their heads there wasn't an ex-camper among them who hadn't looked up.

So yes, they had known something was wrong when they had heard the scream. But neither Ezekiel (nor any of the rest of them, for that matter) had had any idea exactly _what_ was wrong until their newest arrival showed up at the resort in the middle of the day.

Nineteen jaws splashed into the water when they saw her standing there. Even Izzy had been left nearly speechless.

"Holy Cody's stuffed emu and all of Noah's false teeth," she murmured. A huge grin split her face, but she said nothing more. _No one_ said anything more.

So this was Heather. Heather the manipulator, Heather the bossy, Heather the backstabber, Heather the queen bee. To her credit, she stood there with her arms folded and her head held high. Her cheeks flushed a horrid strawberry. Her lower lip had caught itself in an earthquake. Her hair lay sprinkled in patches across her otherwise bald head. Embedded in her pretty Asian face were the most furious silver eyes that Ezekiel had ever seen in his life, and he had been stuck with Eva for eight weeks straight.

"Beth," she said, "that swimsuit looks very nice on you today. Tyler, I like your headband. Noah, you are seriously smart- Don't think I didn't notice. Trent, you're a wonderful guitar player. Harold, I've always liked your shoes, even if they are dorky. Cody, I'm glad to see you're walking again. Sorry about the whole gagging incident- You understand. Katie, Sadie, the two of you are as fashionable as ever. Homeschool, I just love that necklace you have on. Justin, you look really buff in those trunks, and Eva, your eyes really are lovely."

With that, Heather spun around on her heels and marched into the hotel, yanking the heavy door shut behind her. Ezekiel knew he wasn't the only one who heard her let out a long, strangled sob.

No one said that she deserved what had happened to her, even though Ezekiel could tell that some of them were thinking it, and even if she did. No one made any jokes about how she now looked just as bad on the outside as she was on the inside. Even after she left, no one said anything at all.

Lindsay was the first one to move. She scrambled up to her feet and bolted inside the hotel with Beth and Tyler following closely on her heels. The action seemed to break the spell that had frozen them all in place. Sadie leaned forward, clutching at her stomach while Katie wrapped her arms tightly around her shoulders and murmured rapidly under her breath. Bridgette bit into her own knuckles, Trent picked at the strings of his guitar, Izzy burst out laughing, Justin rubbed his own hair and gave a whimper of sympathy, and Geoff took off his hat and said, "Whoa, _harshness_."

She didn't come back outside until later that afternoon. The patches on her head had been shaved off completely, leaving her scalp dotted only with a few specks here and there. They all looked up when she came out. They were silent and glaring, but she ignored them. Instead she marched across the yellow tiles, waded through the water, and flopped down on a stool between Ezekiel and Noah at the swim-up tiki bar; Beth had quickly made herself scarce when she saw Heather coming.

Heather. Ezekiel hadn't peeped the beginnings of a single word to her back on the island, but he'd heard all the stories, and most of them were downright awful.

And there was another funny thing. He hadn't wanted her to win the money, not in the least, and all of them had created their dares with the thought of torturing Heather in mind, and yet Ezekiel hadn't even considered the idea that she might be joining them here next.

She served herself a grape smoothie and drank it all practically in one long sip, eyes closed. He saw her wince as the rush of cold gave her a freeze-brain, and then she filled her cup again. And a third time. With _grape_.

"What?" she finally snapped at them. Ezekiel flinched away, but Noah didn't even look up from his book. He was smirking, though, and not bothering to hide it.

Ezekiel held his squirming tongue. Heather glared at him, then at Noah, then across the pool to where Bridgette, Beth, and Leshawna were watching her and trying to pretend that they weren't.

"All right, fine." She stood then, directing all attention to her with the words and simple movement. "I shaved my freaking head. Whoop-de-doo. Thanks a lot, Linds-iot."

The giggles broke free.

"Go on- Laugh it up already. I dare you."

Oh, how they laughed. Some only lightly, but others shattered into huge fits, while Heather stood there, apparently stunned at their nerve. It dawned on Ezekiel then, somewhat slowly, exactly how she must have come to end up this way.

" _Well, Heather told me once that if I didn't do everything she said, she'd cut off all my hair while I was sleeping,"_ Lindsay had said yesterday, scribbling furiously on her index card, " _so I think maybe_ _she_ _should be the one to get_ _her_ _hair cut off. She'd totally deserve it._ " She'd suddenly looked up, blue eyes wide. _"Do you think that's mean of me to say? Will I get, uh, bad mojo curse stuff all over me?"_

" _Honey,"_ Leshawna had soothed, _"if anyone's gonna be gettin' 'bad mojo curse stuff', it's gonna be that nasty witch herself."_

So Heather had shaved her head to stay in the game, then, only to end up losing out on the hundred thousand dollars anyway. Ezekiel felt a brief stab of pity for her- He knew how much girls valued their hair, and he could faintly remember what hers had looked like, all long and black and shiny and lovely and…

… But the stab of pity was just that. A brief stab, and then it was gone. He had neither forgotten nor forgiven what she'd done to Beth and Trent.

Without warning, Heather spun around and punched him in the face. Then she snatched up her smoothie glass and slammed it down against the counter, where it exploded into a thousand tiny pieces.

" _It's not funny!_ And _where_ is Lindsay?"

In retrospect, Ezekiel was actually grateful that she'd hit him. It meant that he'd been covering his injured face with his hands and didn't get shards of glass in his eyes. When he finally peeked through his fingers he saw Heather, her hands flat against the counter, her trembling arms streaked with bloody lines and pinpricks of glass. She glared at anyone who dared to look her way, then finally sat down and chose another cup to fill with grape smoothie. She drank it in a single gulp once again. After she finished, she turned to Ezekiel.

"You didn't deserve it, you know."

"Huh?"

"You were the first one eliminated. You said all of those sexist things back on the island, and then you got to spend eight weeks at some five-star resort as a reward for your bad behavior. You didn't deserve that. You deserve worse, just like… all of your… loser friends! That is, if a sexist, homeschooled prairie boy like you even _has_ any friends."

Her words finally made Noah turn his attention away from his own scratched arms. "Okay, there was one person on the island who never had any direct conflict with you, and now you're trying to make him your enemy. Please explain to me how this will benefit you in any way whatsoever. I'm honestly searching for answers here."

"Shut it, Noah!" Heather wrenched the red book from his hands and tossed it over her shoulder and into the pool. He watched, unimpressed, but finally did slide from his stool to go and get it.

"I didn't like that one very much anyway."

"Just shut it already! No one likes you!" Heather slammed her hands down on the counter once again, and Ezekiel cringed instinctively at the sight of the glass splinters piercing deeper and deeper, but she hardly reacted. "You're all a bunch of absolute losers that _no one likes_!"

"And you're one to talk, _Rapunzel_." Duncan scoffed from his place near the hot tub. Heather's hands flew to her bald scalp. Then she whipped off Ezekiel's toque. He reacted swiftly, lunging towards her before she even had the chance to pull it over her head, and they both splashed into the water. It was a moment before they surfaced again, Ezekiel frantically blinking chlorine from his eyes as he tried to make out Heather's form.

"'Tis mine, eh! Give it back!"

"You want it?" Heather asked, holding it high. "Come and get it, sexist boy."

Sexist boy, sexist boy. How could she go from yelling at Noah to being concerned about her baldness to falling into the water and then go back to the 'sexist boy' comment?

So, now what? If he tried attacking her for his hat, she'd call him abusive or controlling or even _misogynist_. If he didn't fight, she'd surely rub it into his face, saying that girls were so much better than hay-hauling, pig-slopping, sports-watching, hormone-driven, muscle-headed guys were. Then would come the sneaking into his room, filling his shoes with mud and his bed with corn kernels, rubbing his feet with garlic while he slept, throwing his clothes out in the hopes that the pigs would devour-

"Stop it, Heather." That was Bridgette, fists clenched, the sharp brim of Geoff's cowboy hat low over her flashing Granny-Smith eyes. "Give Zeke his hat back and back off him already."

"So the sexist boy can't even stand up to a girl?" she taunted, and finally did toss Ezekiel his toque as he swam towards her. "Do you ever wash that horrible, mangy thing? It smells disgusting, and I swear there are dandruff flakes all over it."

Yep. He definitely should have tried attacking her. Honestly, where was Eva when he actually needed her?

Ezekiel could have sworn that Heather deliberately followed him around for the rest of the day. After the hat-stealing incident he, she, and Noah reported to the infirmary to have Melody pry the glass shards from their skin and properly bandage their scratches. Then it was off to the buffet table for dinner. Ezekiel and Heather took one look at each other and both lunged for the grapes.

It was a pathetic fight, really, but he won. Mostly. And he, Harold, Cody, and Justin had hardly started a game of Go-Fish in the card room when she showed up, threw herself down into the nearest armchair, and apparently fell asleep.

"Tch…" Ezekiel drew a card from the pile on the table, watching her out of the corner of his eye. "Well, I just don't get why Eva and Coourtney and Trent and Leshawna and e'eryone haven't tried takin' revenge on her yet for all a' those things she did to 'em back on the island, eh?"

Cody said, "That would be Beth's doing. She's been going on and on about how we shouldn't sink down to Heather's level, or something like that."

"Hey, give her a second chance." That was Harold. "Maybe if you tried being nice to her and stuff, she'd be nice back to you. You don't know until you try. Kindness changes people."

"Huh. She's only spoken to me once - and she gagged me with my bandages - and I was part of her team for almost four weeks, heh heh."

Ezekiel added, "She picked on poor Beth! She e'en tricked Trent into _kissin'_ her, yo! I doon't like her. She's exactly like my cousin Jess'ca, eh? 'Cept she's bald."

"Izzy tricked _you_ into kissing _her_ ," Harold pointed out, "but you don't seem to think that makes _her_ a bad person. Lindsay kissed Noah. And-"

"I doon't like her," he repeated stubbornly. "She was mean to Beth, she hurt Trent, she's tryin' a' steal _The Zeke_ 's monopoly on e'erythin' grape, she punched me in the face, she got my arms all cut up with shards a' glass, an' then she stole my hat without askin' for it."

"She's not that bad," Harold muttered, and Cody muttered back, "Oh, no, of course not. She's only about ten times worse. Again, bandages. Couldn't breathe."

Justin asked for Harold's threes, then drew a card from the pile and said, "You do have to give her props for being a good strategist, though."

"Props, eh? Yo, what is this? Some stage play at the city theater?"

They all looked at him and shook their heads, and Cody said, "It's just a figure of speech."

"… A what of speech?"

"Forget it. But do you have any sixes?"

"Uh… Nope, nope. So, uh… Fish."

Cody did. "I think Beth was really brave to stand up to Heather. I wish I would've stayed to see how that fight ended. Maybe then I wouldn't have gotten mauled, heh heh. I do have a sweet scar though, right here on my hip, see?"

"Does it hurt?"

"Beth is pretty brave," Ezekiel agreed. "Yo, did you dawgs hear the story 'bout what she did when, uh, that Gwen girl dumped all a' Harold's fire ants all o'er Heatha?"

"I'd nearly forgotten that! See, I'm allergic to ant bites, heh heh… But Beth dragged me over to the Bass cabin and sweet-talked Duncan into letting me sleep in there for the night. I thought he was going to gut her like a fish. Yeah, she's pretty cool."

"She's way nicer'n Heatha is," Ezekiel said, folding his arms. "Now that Heatha's come here, she's gonna be tryin' a' take revenge or somethin' on poor Lindsay'n Beth and all a' the other people she don't like, eh?"

"Which is everyone."

Harold said, "She might have already learned her lesson. Now that she's out of the competition, maybe she'll stop picking on everybody and stuff. At least allow her the option of turning a new leaf before you judge her for what she's done in the past."

"Tch… try tellin' that a' my cousin Jess'ca. She and Heatha could be like twins, eh?"

"You know Zeke, I seem to remember Beth saying once that _you_ and Heather could be like twins."

"Gettin' off the subject, Justin."

The game turned into a second and then a third, and when they finally finished, Heather was still snoozing 'Z's on the couch. All four boys eyed her from across the room as Justin shuffled the cards and started dealing once again.

"Loser wakes her up and brings her to her room?" he suggested.

"Nuh-uh!" Ezekiel was on his feet at once, shaking his head. " _The Zeke_ always loses. _Always_."

"I'll get ugliness all over my beautiful hands."

"And I'm also allergic to meanness. _Achoo._ " Cody rubbed his nose with his sleeve. "Heh heh… Sorry, guys."

"Leshawna will kill me," Harold protested.

"Well, we can't just leave her there. It's cruel and unusual punishment. That face of hers needs a _major_ beauty nap in a real bed."

"It's not like she can get much worse than she already is."

"Gosh. Whatever happened to 'Do unto others what you would have others do unto you'? Whatever happened to chivalry?"

"She would never bring any of us to our rooms either."

"That isn't the point, Cody."

" _The Zeke_ ain't touchin' her, e'en _if_ his dad told him to always look out for girls, eh?" And Cody nodded in agreement.

Needless to say, Heather spent her first night at the five-star hotel sleeping on the couch in the card room.

Well… she completely deserved it. What a knob. He didn't even feel bad.


	37. Those Broken Straws

"Leshawna! Leshawna, put me down! Put me down right now or so help me I'll- _Aagh!_ "

Light flooded the basement as the door was unceremoniously kicked open and Heather thrown down the stairs. It was gone just as fast, the door slammed shut, and Leshawna's voice called back, "Girl, I've had about enough of you, and you know you would be doin' the same thing if you were me."

"No, wait! You can't just leave me down here! Leshawna!"

Gone.

There was the ominous sound of the lock twisting shut from outside.

Ezekiel scrambled up to his feet, letting out a cry of, "Aw, shoot!" as he did. Heather screamed when she heard him, and Ezekiel screamed back purely out of reflex. That of course made her shriek again, and he fumbled for his flashlight. Heather yelped a third time when he finally turned it on.

"You? _Ugh!_ You are such a- Hold on, what are you even _doing_ down here? It's a dark, cruddy basement, for crying out loud."

"Well, I was just tryin' a make myself useful while I was hidin' out from that Duncan, eh? _The Zeke_ has a'ready looked at the pipes and fixed a couple a'-"

"Oh, I don't care." Heather picked herself up, brushed herself off, and held out her hand. "Give me the flashlight."

"Uh, I-"

" _Give it!"_

He gave it. Heather marched back up the stairs and tried the door. "Locked," she muttered, kicking the wood. "Stupid, stupid… Leshawna is going to pay for this. _Ugh._ " She slumped against the door and slid to the ground, arms crossed, glaring at Ezekiel as he stood at the foot of the stairs. "Well? Aren't there any other ways out of this place? More doors? Windows? A secret entrance into the ventilation shafts? Chris is so cheap that there are probably plenty of loose boards around this dump that we could pry up."

"There's nothin' like that, homes. And I know- I've been down here lots a' times, eh?"

Heather groaned again and buried her face in her hands. "This is just great. This is worse than being locked in the basement by myself, because now I'm locked in here with _you."_

Ezekiel wrinkled his nose. "Yo, if ya don't mind me sayin' so, _The Zeke_ can hardly be your least favorite a' the ex-campers. He was the first one licked out a' the competish, eh. Least y'ain't stuck down here with Duncan or Coourtney or Lindsay."

"Oh, whatever." There was a brief silence as she stood and walked down the stairs. She examined their surroundings with the flashlight, then finally said, "This is a basement. Aren't there any spare blankets around here? It's _freezing_."

He sighed through his teeth, rubbing his sleeve. "Well, I guess… ya can borrow my hoody… if ya want to, homie."

"Ew! Gross! I'd sooner ask Harold if I could borrow his hairbrush. And don't you dare even _think_ of suggesting that we try 'cuddling' for warmth."

"Tch. _The Zeke_ was not gonna say anythin' like that. He'd, uh… sooner ask to cuddle with, uh, with Coourtney."

"Okay, now that _is_ gross. I don't want to think about it."

"Yo, you're the one that started it, eh?"

"I was not. Stop being so disgusting, Homeschool."

Ezekiel clamped his mouth shut and looked away, imagining himself spouting off about all the things he wanted to say to her and wishing he was brave enough to actually do so. Heather didn't try to start a conversation with him, so he didn't either, and they sat alone like that for what must have been at least fifteen minutes.

"Okay," she said at last, "let's be straight with one another here. Neither of us like each other. At all."

"'Tis the understatement a' the whole centu-"

"Shut up. The fact remains that you and I are locked in the basement together for who knows how long until that loser Leshawna comes back to get us. So as much as it makes me sick to say, we might as well _pretend_ to get along."

Ezekiel eyed her. With the flashlight pointed into her own face, she looked rather ghostly in the darkness. "… Yeah, okay."

"Good. And now that that's all settled, what do you have on you in terms of food?"

"Nothin', homie."

She blinked. Three times. "Nothing? You were planning to hide in the basement for a couple of hours and you brought _nothing_? Not even a bread crust? Ugh! Boys are so… gah!"

"Tch. One to talk, eh."

Her chin plopped into her hands. "Wonderful. And now here I am trying to argue with a stupid, homeschooled… _misogynistic_ prairie boy who probably-"

" _No!_ " Ezekiel slammed his hands down so hard on the cement floor that Heather yelped in the middle of her rant. He was on his feet in an instant, his finger pointed in her direction. She had the light in his eyes now, so he couldn't see her all that well, but he knew that she could certainly see him. "Don't ya _e'er_ say that again!"

"What? But-"

"Take it back, homes. Take. It. _Back_."

For a split second he thought he had her, but then her scowl returned and her eyes went narrow. "… No. I don't think I want to."

He was at a loss. He stood there, pointing and fuming and feeling utterly ridiculous, and she sat there with the flashlight in hand, apparently unfazed. "Take it back, eh," he said again.

"Oh, please. Testy much?"

"Testy. _The Zeke_ can take bein' called testy. He can take bein' called a prairie boy. He can take bein' called 'Homeschool', he can take bein' called a loser, he can take bein' called a freak, he can take bein' called a scrawny li'l white boy, he can take bein' strangled by Eva and Coourtney, he can take bein' 'jected by Bri'gette, he can take bein' taunted by each and e'ery one a' his prissy li'l city-slicker cousins who've ne'er had a' work a single day in their lives, who've ne'er known anythin' they ain't seen on the tellie, who've ne'er nearly had their arm ripped off by a wolf afore, who've ne'er seen their father stand up to a big ol' bear that was threatenin' his family, who've ne'er lost their mother to the insanity disease, and who _stood_ there and just _watched_ as _The Zeke_ was bein' trampled nearly a' death by a stampede a' horses 'cuz they didn't want a' ruin any a' their clothes or hair or nails in _tryin' a' save his life_!"

Ezekiel could see her face now. Heather peered up at him in utter bewilderment, rotating the flashlight between her hands. He continued to rant, still pointing at her from several steps away.

"He can take e'ery other teenager at this camp who thinks that they're so much better'n he is just 'cuz he was the first one to be 'liminated and just 'cuz he ain't ne'er been 'round real other people like this afore. He can e'en take bein' called a sexist, but he is _sick_ and _tired_ of havin' a' hear that _stupid_ 'M' word bein' thrown around! Not by his city-slicker cousins, and not out here on the island neither! _Never, ever_ again! Take it _back!_ "

"… Make me, Homeschool."

He did the worst thing he could possibly have done. He tackled Heather to the ground.

It took but a second to get her pinned, her face to the floor, his hands pressed down on her shoulder blades, but Heather Liu wasn't about to go down without a fight. She smacked his face with her elbow, twisting and rolling and kicking him away. He probably would have pulled her hair, but thanks to Lindsay she no longer had any, and his fingers closed on empty air as she twisted away like a snake.

Then her high-heeled shoe connected hard with his stomach; he gave a gasp as the breath was knocked completely out of him. Heather scrambled back, crab-crawling now, and he pushed himself back up onto his heels and hands. They crouched there, gasping for air together. The flashlight had fallen during their struggle, and he could see her face again. She looked… stunned.

She was bleeding from the corner of her mouth.

He raised one hand towards her, trembling. "Heatha, homie…"

"Congratulations, you- you sexist little creep," she told him, soft as Jell-O. "You just proved me right."

Stinging fire welled up in his eyes. "No, _The Zeke_ ain't like that! Honest!"

Heather touched her mouth, wincing, and he was at her side a second later, prepared to dab at the injury with his sleeve. She elbowed him in the ribs, she shoved at his shoulders. He stammered out, "I'm sorry, homes," again and again, and at last she snapped, "Just shut up already, Homeschool!" and that finally silenced him.

Five minutes and sixteen seconds passed. They were crouched together now, their legs pulled up tight to their chests and their arms wrapped around themselves for comfort or warmth, and they had their backs pressed together so that neither one had to look in the other's face.

"I ain't like that," he murmured again. "I promise I ain't."

"Shut up, Zeke. Just shut up."

Four minutes and thirty-seven seconds then. And yes, he was counting. He had his toque pulled over his eyes, but he could still see. He could see those city-slicker cousins of his all pointing at him, clambering at once, shouting, "It was him! He started it!" that day he had yelled at them for leaving him for dead with the horses, that day Jessica had first called him the 'm' word, that day he had pushed her in mud…

" _No! These were limited-edition designer jeans! And now they're ruined! And do you have any idea how long it will take to get this filth out of my hair?"_

" _Tch. And you just proved me right, eh? Leave it to a girl to say somethin' like that."_

Ezekiel sighed through his nose and lifted the edge of his toque from his eyes. "If it makes ya feel any better… Ya fight like a guy, homie."

"And _you_ fight like a sexist little creep."

Ouch.

One minute, four seconds.

"I'm not… I'm not misogynist, eh? I just… doon't like girls very much."

"Then why are you still trying to talk to me?"

Double ouch.

Two minutes, and he lost track of how many seconds when he first heard the squeaking. He felt Heather stiffen against him, and he murmured, "D'ya think those are mice, homes?"

"Mice or rats."

"…Y'ain't gonna scream? 'Cuz the rats could be carryin' rabies or have big teeth that could be used a' chew ya up with? Or 'cuz it might try burrowin' into your hair? Uh, I mean…"

"Zeke, I'm not afraid of mice. Back home my brother used to put his pet rats in my bed all the time. Do you honestly think someone like _me_ could be frightened by something so small and harmless?"

Ezekiel clapped his hands twice. "Ooh, that's right! Tyla told us that durin' the challenge when he got 'liminated, that phobia one-"

"La la la, I can't hear you, _la la la_."

He twisted, staring at her over his shoulder. She kept up the 'la la la' act for a little while longer, then seemed to realize how silly she must seem, as she cut off rather abruptly.

"So when _The Zeke_ tackled ya and we were fightin' just now, did you-"

"Stop talking to me already."

"Huh. Well, I just think-"

"Zeke? Seriously. Shut. Up."

The mice (rats?) crawled about in the darkness around them, but Ezekiel's flashlight beam never picked up their small shapes. No matter what she said, he got the feeling that Heather was at least a little bit wrecked out by the noise, as she kept turning her head to follow the light, and she'd huddled into a rather tight ball like the pom-pom atop his toque.

"Y'know," he said in careful monotone, "it might help us both if we tried just talkin' to one another, eh?"

"Talking? About what? _Hello_ , you've already proved that every time you open your big mouth, we end up trying to kill each other."

He scratched his head. "Tch. I don't know. I guess… I could just start askin' ya random questions and ya could just try answerin' me. We could take turns, eh?"

"Ugh. If I say yes, will you finally leave me alone when we're finished?"

He tried to think of something clever to ask, but one word kept coming back to his head, and he finally gave into it. "Uh… What is… the name a' your favorite cousin?"

"I guess… I'd have to say Joe."

"What's your favorite, uh… bird?"

"I don't care. Crow?"

"Your favorite color?"

"Right now? Sunshine yellow."

"Favorite, euh, place?"

"I don't know."

"Favorite… weather?"

"Snow."

"Yo, dawg- are ya _tryin'_ a' make all a' your answers rhyme?"

" _No_! Ew, that's so… _geeky_. Okay, this is stupid. It's my turn to ask the questions now."

"A'right, a'right."

"If you had stayed in the game, would you have joined an alliance with me?"

"No way."

"Hm. What would it have taken to get you to join an alliance with me?"

Ezekiel pushed his hat further up with his pinkie finger. "Heatha, I'd ne'er want to join an alliance with ya, eh. _Never_."

"All right, fine, fine. Um, so… Oh, who did you vote for that first day right before your sorry butt got booted?"

"Coourtney."

"What are Eva and Noah's greatest fears?" He sighed through his teeth when she said that, and Heather protested with, "What? You guys got thrown out before the phobia challenge, and I already know what would freak Justin and Katie out. Can't a girl just be curious?"

"Knowin' you, 'tis not so likely. But… Eva hates cheaters, and losin' to the guys, and… and bein' the center a' attention… and Noah ain't a real big fan a' bein' startled, eh? And gettin' things thrown at his head. No, he don't much like that."

"Okay, okay, I see. How about you then?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Oh, come on. You already know that I'm, well… a little bit afraid of sumo wrestlers. Okay, there. I even admitted it. It's only fair for you to share with me, too."

Ezekiel rubbed the space between his nose and mouth. Well. That _would_ be fair. "A'right, fine then. _The Zeke_ don't like when horses try runnin' at him. Oh, and he really ain't so great in water."

"And considering how badly you _reek_ , I really should have guessed that."

"I still take my showers, homes! I just grew up on the prairie s'all, and I ne'er learned how to swim real well. I can sorta float and puppy-paddle, but I ain't no 'lympian or nothin', eh?"

"Good to know. Now, who do you think is the hottest girl on the show?"

"Huh?"

"Argh. You can't be _that_ homeschooled. You know, the _prettiest_?"

He frowned. "Oh, that's easy. Bri'gette."

"And after her?"

"Mmm… prettiest. Maybe Coourtney?"

"Ew, seriously?"

Ezekiel felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle like pines in winter. "Hey, ya just asked me for the prettiest, homes. Ya ne'er said I had a' like her personality. There ain't nothin' she could e'er say ta me ta get me ta go on any kind a' date with her. Not t'any fancy dinner, not to any dances, nuh-uh. No matter how nice she treated me. Nothin', nothin', _nothin_ '."

"Still. Ugh. So where do _I_ rank on your prettiness scale?"

"Very, very low, eh? E'en afore ya lost all your hair."

Heather started patting self-consciously at her bald head, scowling at him over her shoulder and muttering, "Oh, drop dead."

Several more long minutes passed in silence, though Ezekiel had given up counting. Heather was clearly not inclined to talk to him anymore, and he was feeling much the same way. Finally, he got up and started stalking the mice around the basement. Heather insulted him many times for this, but she wasn't laughing when he managed to catch one a full hour later. He made a point of holding it close to her face, while she made a point of saying that she didn't care. She even held it herself for a little while, though she dumped it down his hoody the moment his back was turned.

Another hour passed. A second flickered by. They started up a few more side conversations, but those died off quickly, as Ezekiel was not much for socializing and they didn't share many of the same interests.

"Brr," Heather murmured, curling up beside the stairs. "Would it really have killed them to keep a blanket down here?"

Ezekiel briefly considered offering her his hoody again, then decided against it.

"Ugh, that Leshawna… Okay, you know what? If she thinks she can make me suffer all night, then she's wrong. I am going to sleep right now, right here, and I am going to enjoy it. I don't need a fancy bed to be comfortable. _But_ ," she added, sitting up and glaring his way, "the no-cuddling deal still stands. I'm a light sleeper. If you so much as touch me, there _will_ be consequences. Don't think I won't know."

"And the feelin' is mutual on that, eh?" Ezekiel looked up at the locked door, then sighed and pulled off his hoody. A cold rush set the hairs on his arms tingling, and he couldn't help but give a slight shiver of sympathy the next time he glanced Heather's way. But his shirt did make a nice pillow, and even with the _pitter-patter, skritch-skritch_ of mice all around him, it wasn't long before he fell asleep.

The first thing he noticed upon waking was the scent of lavender. It wreathed all around him, making him sneeze, so strong that he knew he'd never, ever forget it, no matter what happened to him, and it took him a moment to realize why that was.

"Aw, c' _mon_ , dawg. Ya've gotta be kiddin' me, eh!"

She was nestled in her own arms, but the arms were on his shoulder, and when he half-rolled onto his back, the arms on his shoulder became arms on his chest instead. A chill raced through his whole being; even through his undershirt he could feel that Heather was freezing to the touch.

"Maybe she's cold-blooded," he murmured to himself, "like a lizard."

So now he was faced with a dilemma. Did he try to move her, risk waking her up, and let himself be accused of "cuddling", or did he let her stay there, try to fall asleep again, and hope that she eventually moved of her own volition?

He pushed her off. Heather slumped to the ground, shifting in her sleep until she was curled into a tight, shivering ball against his side.

Girls.

Ezekiel sighed and turned his face away. He let her stay there, but he kept his hoody to himself. She was the one who had rejected it in the first place, after all. Leave it to a girl to do something dumb like that.

… She hadn't heard that last part, right?


	38. The Very Last Chapter, Really

Her eyes opened slowly; first to slits, then wide, and then they closed. Then again, followed by a blink, and her gaze finally came into focus. She looked at him for about two seconds before she suddenly jerked onto her hands and knees and scrambled a few paces backwards.

"Were you watching me _sleep_?"

"Yeah," he said honestly, because he had been. "I was just makin' sure that you didn't try _cuddlin'_ with me again or nothin', eh?"

"C-cuddling," she repeated, and he saw her face start to flush even in the dark. "Ew, ew! You are such a creep! I thought I told you-" She lunged for him, but Ezekiel caught her by the wrists and started saying, "Heatha, Heatha, Heatha, homie," in an attempt to get her attention and stop her furious babbling and struggling. At last he managed to push her back down onto her knees, still clutching her wrists. She glared at him with undisguised loathing, but at least she had quieted down.

"Let go of me, you sexist little creep."

"First you've gotta say sorry, homes."

"Sorry?" She tried to yank away, but he held her firm. " _You_ should be the one to say 'Sorry', you-"

"Sexist little creep," he finished, and shook his head. "Yo, _you_ tried cuddlin' with _me_ , e'en though you said you were a light sleeper and that you'd kill _The Zeke_ if he e'en thought a' cuddlin' with _you_ , e'en though he'd never want to, and then ya tried blamin' it all on him. Say you're sorry, homes."

They sat there, locked in places with their hands and silent stares.

"This is ridiculous," she said at last. "Here you are, trying to _force_ me to apologize to you. Do you even realize how mis-" Heather caught herself when Ezekiel tightened his grip. Hesitated. "-how _sexist_ that is?"

"Oh, and if it were you holdin' _The Zeke_ and tryin' a' get _him_ to 'pologize for somethin', then it'd be okay, eh? 'Cuz then it _sure_ wouldn't be _misandrist_ or nothin', just 'cuz you're the girl and I'm the big, mean guy who's bein' all 'busive and controllin' and e'erythin'."

"You sure seemed abusive and controlling when you _tackled_ me for calling you a mis-"

He yanked again at her wrists, bringing her forehead so close that it nearly touched his own. "Don't. Say it."

"What, and _that_ 's not being abusive and controlling?"

"Just say you're soorry, homes! Just say it a'ready, and I'll let go a' your hands!"

"I don't even remember what I'm supposed to be sorry for, and even if I did I sure wouldn't be saying it to a sexist little creep like you!"

"You were bein' a hippobrick and tryin' a' cuddle with me!"

"That's not even a word, and I was not!"

"Yes you were! You were tryin' a' cuddle with me 'cuz you were coold after ya turned down _The Zeke_ 's offer when he was gonna let ya borrow his hoody! He was just tryin' a' be nice! But _The Zeke_ can't be nice and offer his shirt, can he? No, of course not, 'cuz that'd just make him a sexist who thinks that girls are so much weaker'n the guys are, when if it'd been Trent or Justin or DJ or Noah or Coody or Geoff or Duncan or anyone else, then it'd just be sweet of 'em, eh. Ain't it _so_ sweet that Uncle Luke gave Auntie Lucille his jacket, _Michael_? Why can't ya act more like your father, _Michael_? Stop bein' so mean to us girls, _Michael_. Put your shirt back on, _Michael_ , and stop bein' so weird. Well, guess what? _The Zeke_ was tryin' a' be nice to ya, Heather! When he offered ya his hoody, he was not sayin' that girls were weaker'n guys, e'en if some of 'em are! He was not tryin' a' say that he thinks he's so much better'n you! He was just tryin' a' be _nice!_ "

"… Wow. Okay, you seriously have problems. Do you go around sharing your life story with _every_ girl you get locked in the basement with?"

Ezekiel stared at her, and then with a sigh he looked back at his hands. Their hands, really; he hadn't released her wrists yet. "Her hair was brown, but it was real long and looked just like yours did, eh. And she acted just like ya too. My cousin Jess'ca. I doon't like her, and I don't like you either. And 'tis _not_ just 'cuz you're a girl, all right? I'm not tryin' a' be misogynist or nothin'."

"Of course not."

He glared at her. "Do ya e'en know what it means? Someone who's misogynist hates women _just 'cuz_ they're women, and thinks that they're weaker _just 'cuz_ they're women. _I_ ain't misogynist. I doon't _hate_ girls. I just don't like 'em very much, eh? Too many bad mem'ries 'bout 'em leavin' me for dead so their clothes and hair and nails didn't get all ruined while they were tryin' a' save my life. But 'least I know that not all girls are weaker'n guys: just some of 'em, like my stupid city-slicker cousins who've ne'er worked a day in their lives 'less it was to try and make me look bad in front a' my mom. And all the girls that I do hate I hate for a reason, not just 'cuz they're girls, eh?"

Heather wrinkled up her brow. "So then you hate me because…?"

"You were mean to Beth and Trent," he said simply. "And y'also cut up my arms-"

"Hey, my arms got sliced too, pig-brain."

"-and ya punched me in the face and ate all a' my grapes and took my hat and-"

"Your grapes? They were _my_ grapes."

"They were just out on the table, eh."

"Um, hello? You _clawed_ them out of my hand, you sexist little creep."

"You slapped me 'cross the face."

"You started it."

Grapes. Of all the things Ezekiel would have expected to fight with Heather about, grapes had never been on the list. He looked at their hands again, then back at her face.

"I hope you end up with a family full of daughters," she told him. "That is, if you can find someone who would even want to marry a bristled little scumbucket like you."

"Tch… I'll let ya go when ya say sorry, homes."

"Tell you what: I'll say 'Sorry' when you say that _you're_ sorry for tackling me and kicking me."

"Tch…" he said again. His gray eyes shrunk to slivers like waning crescent moons. Then, "Fine. _The Zeke_ 's soorry for tacklin' ya and for fightin' with ya and e'erythin', eh."

"Huh."

"All right, 'tis your turn now, homie."

"Right, right… Okay. Well, I'm sorry, Ezekiel, that I called you misogynistic and got glass shards stuck in your arms, stole your hat, and dumped that mouse down the back of your shirt."

"And?"

Heather ground her teeth so hard, they squeaked. "And I'm sorry for the alleged _cuddling_ incident. Trust me: It won't happen again. There, I said it. Yeesh. We good now?"

Ezekiel released her wrists, and she starting rubbing them with her thumbs, muttering incoherently under her breath. He pulled away and wrapped his arms around himself for warmth. It was a long time before either of them spoke again.

"I… am pretty sorry that I tackled ya, homes. You… you were right. That _was_ a little - tch - a little bit misogynist of me, eh? And I'm sorry that I teased ya 'bout your fear a' sumo wrestlers."

Heather tensed a bit at that. Then she said, "I… really like your 'Z'. It's shiny."

He nodded, and they said nothing more until they heard the footsteps. They looked at one another in the darkness and at once went scrambling for the stairs on all fours. The door flew open before they reached it. A rectangle of light unzipped across their faces. It was blinding after so many hours of darkness, and they both shielded their eyes with their hands and squinted up at their savior.

"Hey, Heather. Leshawna sent me to tell you that… Zeke?"

"Coody?"

Cody cringed when Ezekiel called his name. "Say anything except that you accidentally got locked in the basement with Heather."

"Yeah, no thanks to 'shawna not checkin' a' see if anyone was in there 'fore she threw Heatha down the stairs."

"I'm still here, you know." Now recovered, Heather stood and pushed past Cody. "Ugh, I'm starving! Leshawna is going to pay for that! … Right after I get breakfast."

"There are pancakes outside on the table!" Cody called after her, but when she didn't respond he looked back at Ezekiel. "Um… I guess that explains why no one could find you this morning, heh heh… heh. Yeah. Sorry about that."

"How long, Coody? Was it six hours? Eight? Yo, yo, dog, I'm thinkin' that Leshawna left us down there all night!"

"Heh… heh…"

He gave Cody a rough shove in the chest that nearly sent him spilling down the stairs, too. "Thanks a lot, ya knob." Then, with a sharp toss of his head and a crack of his knuckles, he bounded off after Heather. He found her at the buffet table, pouring a river of hot syrup over a mountain of buttery pancakes. A handful of green grapes were clustered at the side, and she smacked his hand away when she saw him eyeing them.

"Get your own food, weasel."

"A'right, a'right! _The Zeke_ wasn't gonna steal 'em. Paranoid much or somethin'?" With a click of his tongue, he filled his own plate with a stack four pancakes high and waited impatiently for Heather to set down the syrup. She seemed to be taking an unnecessarily long time just to irritate him, and there wasn't much left in the pitcher when she finally handed it to him.

" _Maybe if you tried being nice to her and stuff, she'd be nice back to you,"_ Harold had said.

Too late. Ezekiel supposed he'd never know now. Nothing could fix this.

Heather didn't bother looking around to see if there was a place to sit away from everybody that she hated. She marched right over to Beth and Lindsay, a smile on her face. "Hey, girls. Wow, I really love your nails, Lindsay. They're so pretty."

"Aw, thanks, Heather."

"Sorry, Heather," Beth interrupted, pulling on Lindsay's arm, "but we're not falling for that fake-friendship anymore."

"O-oh, that's right! We're not. Let's go, Beth."

So Heather now had the far left area all to herself, and she didn't seem displeased about it in the least. Tch, she was good. If Courtney actually did manage to sue Chris into a second season, Ezekiel would definitely have to remember to watch his back around her. He took a seat on a pool chair near Cody and Bridgette, and it wasn't long before Lindsay and Beth drifted over to him.

"Hi, Zach. Can me and Beth sit here?"

"Sure, Lindsay-dawg. I'd love it if ya did. I missed listenin' a' ya chatter."

"Zeke, where were you this morning? I couldn't believe it when I got up before you did, and when you didn't come out by six I went and checked the card room and the kitchen, but I couldn't find you in there."

Ezekiel stuffed a wad of pancake under his tongue. "Tch. Well, 'shawna locked me'n Heather together in the basement all night, first."

Beth dropped her fork in shock and Lindsay cried, "Oh no, that must have been horrible! All night with _Hannah_?"

"I'm so sorry, Zeke! Here, friendship bracelet? How did it happen?"

"Well, I was hidin' from Duncan after he said somethin' 'bout usin' the prairie boy for a piñata, and then 'shawna came in and threw Heatha down the stairs and locked the door. Guess she didn't see me or nothin', eh?"

Lindsay gave him a hug out of sympathy, but Beth was eyeing him more cautiously. "So the two of you. Stuck together. All night. Did you end up becoming friends with her or… anything relatively close to it?"

"Nope, nope. We, uh… had a couple a' fights. Erm. Think she hates me as much as she hates e'eryone else from the island now."

Beth nodded, satisfied, and shoved a chocolate muffin into her mouth. "So then, what exactly happened? Anything… interesting?"

Ezekiel thought about tackling Heather, getting elbowed in the face, trying to pull her non-existent hair, knocking one of her teeth a bit, and getting kicked in the stomach with her high-heeled shoe. If he didn't know better, he'd have sworn that the fingernails that had raked across his face were actually cat claws.

"Well… we did a lot a' talkin'. I told her, uh, 'bout life on the farm. Well, uh, sorta. And she told me a bit 'bout what it's like to be popular at school or somethin'. Oh, and we talked for a real long time 'bout guys bein' better'n girls and how my cousin Jess'ca- No, _wait_! I didn't mean it like _that,_ homes!"

He was too late. Beth was already on her feet and glaring at him, and even Lindsay looked a little miffed. Despite his groping protests, they both left in search of someone less sexist to talk to: Izzy. Ezekiel watched them go, then flopped back into his seat and snarled a groan.

"Aw, shoot."

When he checked up again he spotted Heather studying him from across the plaza, one eyebrow raised, her cheeks brimming with pancakes. She gave him a thumbs up, and Ezekiel's stomach flipped over in guilt. He and she weren't actually all that different, were they? They both had a habit of offending half of who they talked to, if not more.

No. He most certainly was _not_ going to empathize with Heather, queen of all and the kitchen sink, Heather the Jessica clone, Heather the hippobrick cuddler. Ezekiel glared at her, then followed Lindsay and Beth's lead and abandoned his seat.

He took a place near Eva and Noah instead and asked, "So, uh, who d'ya guys want a' win the money toomorrow, eh?"

"Owen," Noah replied, wiping syrup from his mouth with the back of his hand. "He deserves it the most, and he carried me those last three kilometers during that run we did just before the whole Awake-a-Thon deal."

"Yeah, only 'cuz you were being a dumb fruitcake and he thought you'd passed out."

"Playing dead, halfway dead, actually dead- Point is, I lay there on the ground for about five minutes straight while everyone else - Gwen included - ran past me without even bothering to see if I was still breathing. Huh. Jerks."

Eva held up a finger as she looked Ezekiel's way. "I would like to say that _for the record_ , I was way ahead of Noah by that point, not to mention that he was on the other team, so I had no obligation to help him."

Noah. She'd called him Noah.

"Owen _ran_ for three kilometers, _carrying_ me, so that I could get medical attention. The second-least thing I could do is offer my support to the big guy."

"He's got a massive crush on that one goth girl," Eva informed Ezekiel through her muffin. "He just doesn't want to root for her in case Cowboy and Mohawk start teasing him 'bout liking her or something."

"That is not in any way true, any you know it."

Eva grinned like a demon. "Yeah? She's scrawny, clever, sarcastic, bit of a jerk, puts up with whatever dumb thing she's told to do- Two of you are practically the same person."

"Well, 'tis the opposites that attract, homes. Say, someone with brains and someone-"

"I would suggest you stop that sentence right there, Homeschool," they both said, almost identically and almost together. Ezekiel shrugged at them both and took another bite of his food. Syrup dripped down his chin.

"Well, _The Zeke_ 'd vote for that Owen dog too, eh?"

"What, 'cuz he's a guy, and guys are _so_ much better than girls are?"

He leveled his gaze at her. "No. 'Cuz he seems like a real _nice_ guy. He was nice to Lindsay'n Beth and Trent and he yelled at Heather. He made a wicked splash when he jumped off that cliff the first day. He also carried Noah when e'eryone else ran past him. Seems like a nice guy, eh?"

She squinted. "And that's really and truly your only reason?"

He nodded, and after a few seconds, Eva nodded back at him in a _Good, good_ sort of way. Ezekiel swirled the end of his pancakes around the lake of syrup on his plastic plate and looked around the plaza. Katie fawned over Justin at the hot tub. Lindsay, Beth, and Izzy were engaged in a splash-fight nearby, and Heather watched them from her lonely chair. Trent and Tyler stood together on the high-dive, pushing at each other, daring the other to jump first, for no particular reason other than because they were both there.

Perhaps most impressive, Courtney and Harold were actually sitting together peacefully at the smoothie bar with Sadie, the three chuckling like they'd long been friends. Little did they realize Geoff and Duncan were trying to sneak up on them from behind, their arms loaded down with large cubes of ice. DJ fed his bunny scraps of lettuce over by the buffet table. Not far off Leshawna danced to music that only she could hear. Or rather, music that only she and Cody could hear, as she snatched him up from his place beside Bridgette and insisted that he join her.

"Ooh ooh ooh!" cried Izzy, splashing towards them. "Cody, sing your Gopher song again!"

"Yeah, just once," Bridgette teased, but Cody whipped up his hands defensively.

"Oh, no. I am _not_ singing the Gopher song. And anyway, it isn't _my_ Gopher song- It's Leshawna and Noah and Owen's Gopher song. And I, uh, kinda forgot how it goes, heh heh…"

"Then I'll re-teach it to ya, string bean." Leshawna grabbed Cody's wrists and started dragging him through the dance chanting, " _Go Gophers! Go Gophers! Go Gophers_!"

Soon the words morphed to, " _Go losers! Go losers! Go losers_!" and by that point Cody had long since given up fighting her. Tyler, Trent, Duncan, Bridgette, and Geoff joined in, and even Noah set aside his plate and ran to do the same. Even Heather, after a slight hesitation, followed suit.

"I don't dance," Eva reminded Ezekiel when he glanced her way.

"Aw, c'mon, homes. E'en _Noah_ is dancin' with 'em."

"Yeah. He looks like a dumb fruitcake."

He lifted both eyebrows. "And the only one who cares is the one who _ain't_ dancin', eh?"

That stopped her short. Eva blinked once, then again. "I don't… dance," she repeated. She was looking straight at Justin when she said it.

"No one'll e'en notice ya, homie," he promised. Holding out his hand for her to shake, because that's what normal people did to say hello, say that they weren't going to hurt her, and say that she could trust them, Ezekiel Adam Foster cleared his throat. "Evelyn Karen Baker, would you give _The Zeke_ the honor a' dancin' with you?"

"Pfft. Not if you value your tonsils. And tell Fruitcake that I didn't give him permission to spread around my full dumb name."

" _Go losers! Go losers! Go losers_!"

Shrugging, Ezekiel leapt from his seat and tried to follow Leshawna and Cody's lead. He clapped. He stomped. He spun. He grinned. He chanted along with them- and suddenly they were all doing the silly dance. Even a reluctant Eva.

"I feel kind of dumb," she growled in his ear, and she almost punched him when he smiled back at her… but she stopped. Her head tilted a bit to the right side. "Aw, I _really_ hate it when ya make that face, Homeschool. Takes almost all the fun out of hitting you."

He bowed with an elegant wave of his hand. " _The Zeke_ 'll be sure to do it more often then, eh? Now, are ya gonna start singin' with us or not, homes?"

Eva sighed through her teeth and rolled her eyes. "Go losers, go losers…"

"Try smilin' a bit, homie."

"No. This is dumb, so unless your face wants to meet my fist, you're just gonna have to take what you're gonna get. Go losers… Go losers…"

Ezekiel offered her a shrug meant just for her. "Close 'nough, eh? I'll allow it. This time."

So maybe he hadn't won the hundred thousand dollars, hadn't even come close… but he had gotten to spend eight weeks straight at a wicked five-star resort. Yes, the eight weeks of good food and the pool had made the whole attempt all worthwhile.

Oh, and his new friends. All his new friends were pretty wicked, too.


	39. This Is How We Will End It

One. Million. Dollars.

A one-million-dollar tiebreaker. Just like that. Shots twisted. Plots fired.

"Do you want to be my team member?" Beth asked, pulling her friend up from where she had fallen during the dogpile; Lindsay gasped and cried, "Totally!"

"Can I come too?" Ezekiel wanted to know. After he'd untangled himself from Heather he was on his feet at once. Lindsay and Beth scowled at him, and it was an anxious several seconds before the latter at last said, "Okay… but you have to be respectful of us girls. Deal?"

He grabbed her hand and shook it hard. "Yeah, okay."

"Ladies," Heather said, standing too, "it's your lucky day. _I_ am going to help you find this million dollars."

But Beth only frowned a second time and waved one hand. "No thanks, Heather. We have enough people already."

Heather's jaw dropped open. "Ex _cuse_ me? _Lindsay_?"

Lindsay shrugged. "Sorry, Hannah. Good luck, though."

"You're bringing _Homeschool_ with you but not _me_?"

"Uh-huh."

Ezekiel couldn't help but smirk. Heather had tried bossing Beth and Lindsay around all season, riding their little alliance to victory. She was helpless without them, which meant one thing: One less person standing between him and that shiny silver suitcase full of money.

"Oh, and P.S.," Beth said, grinning now, "someone drew a happy face on the back of your head."

The look on Heather's face was totally worth all the effort Ezekiel had gone through to find that marker for Leshawna. He heard her squeak out a strangled noise, but that was all. Beth and Lindsay's chatter quickly drowned out anything else she might have said. Ezekiel trailed behind them as they went along, keeping a sharp lookout for the slightest sign of the suitcase. They seemed so engaged in their conversation that he wouldn't be surprised if they walked right past it.

That was probably why they didn't notice when a heavy hand fell on his shoulder and dragged him into the bushes; Katie and Sadie skipped by a moment later, giggling wildly.

"Zeke."

"Justin? Yo, yo, what-?"

"Remember how you promised me a teensy, tiny little favor when I said that I'd teach you how to act around girls?"

Ezekiel's stomach dropped to his shoes. Justin's smirk stretched to the upper corners of his perfect cheekbones.

"It's payback time, Homeschool."

…

"Okay, this is pathetic, campers!" Chris called at them over the loudspeaker. "It's been two hours now and no one has even come close to finding the suitcase. So here's your first clue: It's just _hangin' around_."

What was that supposed to mean?

"Oh, I just saw this pretty dress online," Lindsay was babbling, and she held her pink flip-phone out for Beth to study. "Look!"

"Can I get one too?"

A flash of silver caught Ezekiel's attention. He looked up to see a suitcase tied to a tree branch, dangling down over his head by a long rope.

 _The_ suitcase. And they had just walked right past it.

"Oh, gosh. No."

Ezekiel raised his finger. "But isn't that-?"

"Shh!" Beth flared her little pig nostrils at him over her shoulder, not even checking upwards to see what he was pointing at. "Give us a little girl time here."

Girls were so weird. He looked again at the case. The shiny silver case. He sucked on his gums.

Ezekiel had always prided himself on how he never went back on his word even before the whole begging-God-not-to-let-Eva-murder-him deal from weeks ago. Always keeping his promises no matter what was the only thing that had ever earned him any respect from Jessica and the rest of his city-slicker cousins, but for the first time since he'd helped Courtney chase down Harold with papaya juice… Ezekiel realized just how _bad_ being good for his word could be.

One million dollars.

But he couldn't keep it for himself. It had to go to Justin. That had been the deal. The stupid, stupid deal.

Was his integrity really worth more than one million dollars? Really?

Of course it was. He'd never gone back on his word before, and he wouldn't start now. He wasn't Jessica.

But it _was_ a million dollars…

Then again, Justin would kill him when he found out. And he _would_ find out. Chris had said that the winner of the million would be the first person who brought the case to the dock, and he would make such a big deal out of it, not to mention all the cameras… No, there was no way Justin wouldn't find out.

In the back of his numb mind, Ezekiel understood that yes, he was giving away a million dollars. What an over-push. But at least he had his integrity.

Anyway, Justin didn't deserve the money. With any luck someone else would happen upon the case. Eva and Noah or Trent and Gwen or Cody or _someone_. But if Justin did come this way, he could get the suitcase down from the tree himself. As far as Ezekiel was concerned, he hadn't seen a thing.

One million dollars. What a loser. His head drooping just slightly, he walked after Beth and Lindsay.

Beth and Lindsay.

He pricked up. Wait a second… He was on a team with Beth and Lindsay, and _they_ hadn't made a deal with Justin… If he could lure them back around without hinting that he'd spotted it…

They met up with Eva and Noah, who were apparently chasing down Izzy, and about ten minutes after that they ran across Trent, Gwen, and Leshawna, but there was no sign of the suitcase. Maybe they were too late. Maybe someone had claimed it already. Maybe-

Chris's voice crackled again over the loudspeaker. "Attention campers! The case is wet! Repeat: The case is wet!"

Lindsay stopped walking. "The case is wet? Quick- everyone in the water! We're _totally_ going to find it first!"

Ezekiel grinned as they splashed into the slight bay. "Wicked strategizin', Lindsay."

Even Beth had cheered up considerably. "So if we win, what would you guys do with your three hundred and thirty-three thousand three hundred and thirty-three dollars and thirty-three cents?"

Lindsay frowned. "Is that enough to buy a country?"

"Yeah, but just a small one, eh?"

"Ooh. France is small, right?"

Ezekiel didn't answer. A flash of silver in the water had caught his attention, and he pointed at it excitedly. "Hey! I-isn't that the case?"

Lindsay and Beth cheered, "That's it!" and "We found it!" as Lindsay scooped it up.

"Oh my gosh, I am so going to be the queen of France!"

The hook of a fishing line caught the case's handle and jerked it right out of her hands. Ezekiel's mouth dropped open, but Lindsay didn't even seem fazed.

"Ooh, it's a _flying_ case!"

Courtney stood on the opposite shore, holding up a fist. "Come on, put some muscle to it! Spin that reel!"

"Can it, sister," Duncan snapped back at her, "I'm reeling as fast as I can."

Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, an _alligator_ reared from the water. Its huge jaws snapped shut around the suitcase, and then it was gone. Ezekiel, Beth, and even Lindsay leaned away to gawk.

"Hey," spluttered Courtney, "that alligator just took our briefcase!"

Duncan grabbed his face. "What are _alligators_ doing in Muskoka?"

"W-well, don't just stand there! Go get it!"

Ezekiel had always known that Duncan was tough, but he hadn't expected him to actually try _tackling_ the alligator. He was on its back in seconds, trying to choke it and practically riding on it like a jet ski. Ezekiel swore that he intentionally directed it over to where the three of them were still standing in the water.

Intention or not, the sight of the alligator so close to them caused him, Lindsay, and Beth to take off in the other direction, screaming wildly, case forgotten. They sprinted back through the trees, branches whipping at their cheeks, until Beth finally tripped over a fallen branch and didn't get up again. Ezekiel and Lindsay collapsed beside her.

"Yo, _The Zeke_ really, _really_ hates the outdoors," he panted out, and Lindsay gave a groan of agreement. He wasn't sure how long they lay there, gasping like fish out of water, touching their scratches and rubbing their ankles, only that eventually Chris came on the loudspeakers once more.

"Attention campers: The case is now somewhere _beautiful_ , and headed towards camp."

Ezekiel raised his head. "C'mon dogs. We… we've gotta get movin' again. We've lost too much time a'ready, eh?"

Lindsay whined, "I have leg cramps."

"And I can't feel my feet," Beth mumbled into the dirt. "I think the sight of those alligator teeth numbed my whole body. My face is melting and I can taste my insides. Go on without me, guys."

Girls were so weird.

"Can't do that, homes. C'mon. C'mon, Beth. 'Tis a million dollars. Ya've gotta find that case. C'mon now, dogs. I know you guys can do this."

No reply. Ezekiel crawled over to her side and took her face between his hands. "Beth? Tabitha, ya gotta listen a' me."

"What?"

"Beth, you're one a' the bravest girls that I've _ever_ had the pleasure a' meetin', and definitely the nicest, eh? You're just like the little brother I always used a' want, 'cept you're a girl, and _The Zeke_ don't mind that one bit! He likes ya as a girl, and ya know why?"

"… Why?"

"'Cuz you'n Eva helped prove ta him that there really _are_ some girls who are e'en stronger'n us guys are, eh? And if you can carry bales a' hay and fat hogs and baby horses all 'round your farm, and if you can prove to _The Zeke_ that there still are some nice people out in this world, 'specially the girls, then you can walk back to camp and help us _find that case_!"

Beth pushed herself up into a sort of cobra-like yoga pose, and Ezekiel released her face and crawled over to Lindsay's side. "And Lindsay-dawg," he said, brushing dirt from her shoulder, "I know that ya ain't the smartest when it comes to faces, but I think that you've said some a' the smartest things I've e'er heard and I know that you can, uh, be smart and, uh… get back to the camp and find that case, eh?"

He saw her blue eyes brighten, and then Lindsay pushed herself up to her knees. "Oh my gosh, that is like, _so_ inspirational!" She grabbed him around the neck and planted a wet kiss on his cheek, then gave him one last squeeze before letting him go. "Thank you, Zach! You always know the right things to say!"

"Uh… uh… Please don't tell Tyler that ya did that to me, all right, homes?"

"Oh, don't worry about a thing, Zach. He'd understand."

"Uh, sure. Right. 'Course. Let's just, er, go now, eh?" Ezekiel took Lindsay's hand and hauled her to her feet, then did the same to Beth. She wobbled once, but quickly smiled to show that she was steady. Once he was sure that was true Ezekiel led the way into the forest with the two of them hard on his heels.

So they were running again, but this time they ducked beneath branches and kept their footing on the ditches and slopes. Lindsay almost tripped once, but Ezekiel caught her and pulled her on again. Another time it was him who was falling off a short cliff, but the two girls grabbed his wrist and jerked him back to solid ground.

It was long hike, and they said almost nothing at all throughout it, only breathed heavily through their teeth until finally, finally, they collapsed like they had before.

"Just for- just rest for a min- a minute, guys. And then we'll… get movin' again, eh? Aw."

 _Click_! Chris: "The case is almost at the campgrounds! Get your butts in gear, people! It's a million big ones!"

The three of them groaned simultaneously, but a moment later they were off again. They were faltering now, not covering so much ground anymore…

"Attention, campers! The case is still in play! Don't give up now!"

"H-hurry, Zeke! It's a million dollars! Lindsay, are you- are you all right?"

"I-I'm fine, Belle."

Beth flared her cheeks. "Just think of how much make-up you'll be able to buy with your three hundred thousand dollars, okay? Now come on, Zeke. You're dragging us down!"

So he ran. Arms pumping, feet flying- he really should thank Eva for all of those times she forced him to run the treadmill, because now he was running, running, and then… and then…

… they finally reached the campground. Scratching their collars and necks and heads, they allowed their eyes to wander between the two cabins, the outhouse confessional, the mess hall, the dock, and the lake.

"Now we just… Now we've just gotta wait for a minute, dogs. Ha- ha- ow…"

There came a flashing shriek, with Izzy's yelp of, "Retreat, retreat, retreat!" hard on its heels from somewhere not far off. Ezekiel, Lindsay, and Beth stared blankly in the general direction the cry had come from.

"I think that was the communal bathrooms," Lindsay said, pushing herself back up to her feet. "Come on, guys. France is close."

"All right, all right," Ezekiel whined, following her. They had hardly stepped inside the bathroom when they heard the second scream, the thumping (Hooves?), and something that sounded like " _Moooo! Moooo!_ I'm comin' for you next, sweetheart!"

"There's nobody in here," Beth said, but Lindsay insisted that they search the stalls and ceiling tiles anyway.

"You know, this reminds me of the time my friend Ashlyn came to school on Valentines Day without her make-up on, and so I had to like, pull her into the bathroom during lunch and, like, apply it myself - The dance was going to be that afternoon, and she had to look her best, because there was this boy that she really liked whose name was Matthew or something - I used to have a crush on Matthew because this one time my biology teacher's rabbit escaped its cage and everyone was freaking out except for him, and he, like, lured it out of the closet with lettuce and carrots and things - Back to Ashley though, she had this really pretty red shirt on that I knew would go great with this pink eyeshadow that I had with me - I don't really know why I had it that day, because I meant to bring the blue one - but I only had pink, so Nashlie-"

No campers. No silver suitcase. No million dollars. The bathroom was empty. Ezekiel gave Lindsay a light push on the arm, urging her towards the door.

"And I was like, ' _Yes_ , you _can_ wear pink with red', and she was like, 'No you can't-" Lindsay abruptly broke off her story to say, "Wow, that's a pretty case. Anyways, so-"

Beth gasped and cried, "It's the case!" and Lindsay picked it up in delight.

For almost twelve seconds, Ezekiel thought they were home free. They were only at the communal bathrooms, less than a quarter of a kilometer away from the dock. So long as Lindsay and Beth got it there and kept their promise to split a third of the money with him, he would head home three hundred thousand whatever dollars richer than he'd been when he left- and he'd gotten to spend eight weeks in the lap of luxury to boot. Who was the winner now? What knobs!

And then the parachute _fwump_ ed down on his head.

"Wow," Lindsay breathed, "you can _fly_!"

And it was Justin who said, "Lindsay, can I please have the case?"

She handed it to him. Ezekiel remained beneath the parachute, holding the fabric between two fists, but he didn't need to watch to know that she had handed it to him. To Justin.

One million dollars. It was one million dollars. He should just tear off the parachute and run out there, fight Justin for the case, take off for the dock. He would split the prize with Lindsay and Beth, just like they'd agreed, and Justin wouldn't be able to do a thing about it. He'd be rich, rich, rich, and no one would ever have to know that he'd gone back on his word. No one would have to know.

Come on, loser. It was thirty thousand something dollars. _Nobody_ 's integrity was worth that much, and no one would ever have to know. He would just run out there, and he'd be gone before Justin could even react, and no one would have to know. So on the count of three, then. One…

Izzy shouted, "Not so fast, pretty boy! Fire!" and suddenly Justin was screaming.

" _Ahh_ , my hair! Someone! Anyone! What gets the smell of fish out of hair?"

"Try _this_!"

One million dollars. Why was it so hard to just accept a million dollars?

"Woo-hoo, I'm a zillionairess!"

An unpleasant, coppery sort of taste filled his mouth then. Guilt. Ezekiel pressed his fists to his nose and squirmed them against his eyelids. Stupid deal. Stupid, stupid deal.

"All right, yeah, ha ha!"

Well… well… Integrity, shmegrity. It was a million dollars, after all. No one had to know.

Ezekiel ripped the parachute off his head, but Lindsay and Beth were gone. Too late, too late. There was only Justin, walking around with a bucket on his head, and then a "Go, go!" from Eva as she shoved Noah off the bathroom roof and jumped down after him. For some reason she was wearing deer antlers, he a camouflage-patterned cap, but then they too were gone. Almost certainly they were racing off in the direction that Izzy had run with the case. Ezekiel flew sharp and quick on their heels, praying that he would be forgiven for his traitorous thoughts, praying that Lindsay and Beth had the case, praying that-

Hooves. Thundering hooves.

 _Horses._

Eva spun around, eyes wide behind the orange glasses she was wearing. She grabbed Ezekiel's shoulder with one hand and Noah's with the other, yanking them both out of the way just as a moose charged past them with Duncan clinging to its back. Right behind the moose was… Well, a _sled_ of some kind, but its riders flashed past too fast for Ezekiel to make out any of the faces other than Owen's. Behind them was Justin, who was being dragged along by the tangled cords of his parachute.

"… Okay, what?"

For a few seconds the three of them hovered there in shock. Then they were bolting off again, kicking up identical sprays of dirt. Ezekiel was slouching over a bit now and Noah was flagging behind too, but Eva wouldn't let them stop, wouldn't let them even slow down to catch their breath, and a small part of Ezekiel's mind was grateful to her for that. They had to reach the dock, had to find out who had won, had to know if there was anything they could still do to-

… No.

No.

They were too late.

"Oh, forget this," Duncan snarled from his place in the water, "I didn't agree to Season 2."

"Actually, you _did_. It's called 'the fine print'. Read it, live it, _love_ it."

Gwen growled, "I _hate_ the fine print."

Chris spun on one heel then, smiling cheerfully and spreading his arms wide as Cody, Tyler, and Courtney _clop-clop_ ped up to join them on the dock. "As for the rest of you, your treasure hunt ends here- along with all your hopes of ever winning any money off of being on this show. The good news though, you'll be watching all the action on Season 2 from the _sidelines_!"

"Wait a minute!" That was Courtney, of course. " _I_ wanna be on Season 2!"

But Chris merely held up his hand. "Tut, tut, tut, tut! Fine print."

Izzy grinned. "Yes! This is _so_ awesome! E-Scope is comin' back! E-Scope is _comin' back_! Ha ha!"

"This is so exciting!"

Beth. She bobbed in the water, with Lindsay right beside her. They had abandoned him. He had hesitated, and now they would be heading off to a second season without him. Probably, he deserved it. This was to be his punishment for even considering the option of doubling back on his promise to Justin. A deal was a deal was a deal.

"Lindsay, if you win and you buy France, will you have me over?"

"For sure!"

Ezekiel set his jaw. Maybe it was time to tell Lindsay that she would _never_ be able to afford France, even with a million dollars.

A million dollars. Ezekiel's eyes rolled back in his head. He should have taken the case the first time he saw it. What had he been thinking, anyway? No one's integrity was worth that much, and he could have split some of his winnings with Justin in the end. That would've been fair, right?

But now it was too late. He had been stupid and had lost out on the million. On the three hundred thousand whatever dollars. Never, _ever_ again.

"In exactly two days," Chris said, holding up two fingers, "you will all report to a brand new location for a whole new challenge. And the last one standing will receive _one million dollars_!"

Scuffing the toe of his boot across the dock, surrounded by those he had come to know and love as his friends, Ezekiel had never in his life felt more alone.

…

"I guess this is good-bye, then."

The seven of them glanced up to stare numbly at Noah in the doorway of the card room, long strands of licorice clenched in his fist. These were offered to Eva, almost like a bouquet of flowers, and once she had taken one he moved through the card room, passing out the rest to his fellow ex-contestants. Ex-contestants for real, this time.

"I know, right?" Katie hung her head again. "It's _so_ unfair that we all have to leave, while everyone else gets to hang out together without us."

Sadie gave a sniffle as she accepted her licorice. "I think I'm going to cry!" She grabbed Noah and started sobbing into his shoulder, which he didn't seem too happy with. But at least he gave her a few awkward pats on the head before he pushed her away.

"Yeah… Maybe next season," he said, "but for now, this is going to be good-bye."

Next season. Who knew how long that would be? If there even _was_ a next season.

"Yeah. Take care of yourself, Fruitcake." Eva hesitated for several seconds, then hugged him, and then she hugged Ezekiel with those same rough arms that had on so many occasions tried to steamroll the breath out of him. Then Cody. "You too, Homeschool. Mummy Boy." Tyler got a friendly punch in the shoulder. "Feathers. Keep up the sports thing and maybe you'll be able to actually come close to beating me someday. And Pigtails, Creampuff…"

She paused, rubbing her shoulder. The two girls looked at each other, shared a nod, and then embraced Eva simultaneously from either side.

"You were a _totally_ awesome friend," Katie told her, and Sadie added, "Oh my gosh, when you and Zeke were doing that dare-contest thing? And that marshmallow war against Noah? And when you threw Duncan in the pool? Oh, and that whole thing with all the creampuffs? That was all, like, so fun!"

"Yeah, and thanks so much for giving us that pretty blue dress that you won after that whole animal scavenger hunt contest thing! I love it! Love it!"

Eva nibbled on her upper lip as they sandwiched her between them, but at last she sighed and almost smiled. "Yeah. Thanks for taking that piece of junk off my hands." She pried them away, then looked over at Courtney and scowled. "Chicken," she said simply, which only made Courtney scoff and turn up her nose.

"I'll miss you too, Zeke," Katie said, sweeping him up in her faithful arms as well, and he received a cautious pat on the shoulder from Sadie, who proceeded to turn and spring on Noah instead.

"It's been really great spending time with all you guys! I'll miss all of you so much!"

She then shoved Noah to the ground, as he was standing between her and Courtney, the next on her list of people to embrace, and he sighed as he picked himself up off the floor.

"Right, right. Well, at least we get to go home now. _Finally_."

"Funny thing about that, actually," chuckled a voice from behind them. They all whirled to find Chris leaning against the doorframe, and even though he was dripping wet he looked even more smug than usual. He then set a stack of papers down in the middle of the table, and Ezekiel knew what they were instantly. "See, according to your contracts, there's a teensy tiny little duty that you all have to fulfill in the form of, say, _cameo guest-star appearances_ at something the producers like to call _next season's little after-show_."

Cody shouted, "Suh-weet!"

"What? No way!" Eva flattened herself into the corner of the card room by the table, eyes bulging, which only made Chris' smirk grow wider.

"Ha. Way, brah. That's the way these things work. All part of show biz. Fine print."

"I can't stay here," Tyler protested, on his feet now. "I have all these sports tryouts for school and-"

"Fine print. _But_ we are sending you guys home for a few days until the first after-show begins, so you do get that. Count your blessings, heh heh. And hey, what better place to spend the rest of your summer than a place with _moi_?"

Ezekiel felt his stomach do another one of the flips that had become so common these last few days. Summer, the time that Jessica and the rest of his city-slicker cousins always came out for their 'visits to the boring country', was now reaching its end, but they would be there just the same. They'd be waiting for him.

"You okay, Zed?" That was Cody who, aside from Katie and Sadie, seemed to be the only one brimming with excitement about the whole thing. Actual static electricity fritzed in his hair and at the tips of his fingers.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah. Just fine, homes. Yo, Chris, uh… So, when we're not doin' the after-show, where're we gonna be stayin' at, eh?"

"I am so glad you asked that," Chris replied, reaching out to pat Ezekiel on the head. "'Cuz you'll all be going to a real lovely place that we like to call _Casa Dos Losers_ on the opposite side of Lake Wawanakwa."

Eva and Noah exchanged glances. "That… might not suck," she said slowly, but he only muttered, "Don't count on it," and looked like he was waiting for Chris to reach the line-puncher of his joke.

"Will there be a pool there?" Tyler asked, finally starting to perk up. "And a basketball court? And a football field? And a bowling alley?"

"Maybe. Or maybe not. You dudes are all just going to have to wait and see: Next time, on _Total! Drama! Action!_ " Chris pulled a clapboard from the middle of his stack of papers and snapped it shut, nearly pinching Tyler's nose in the process.

"Wow, egotistical much?" Noah wanted to know. He swept his arm around the card room, and it took Ezekiel a long moment to realize he was indicating that they weren't actually being watched by any of the cameras.

"Wouldn't kill you to play along," was Chris's cheerful reply. "Now, if the eight of you have quite finished with your little hug-fest, you might want to come back outside. We decided to splurge a little for your - heh - last meal here. Does a fifteen-pound, seven-layer cake sound good to anyone?"

"Oh my gosh," Sadie squealed, "I love, love, _love_ cake!" and then immediately turned on Noah. " _Don't_ say it."

He raised an eyebrow, but the only thing he said was, "Who doesn't?"

Not Ezekiel- that was for sure. He served himself a slice so enormous that it toppled over and went to sit on the grass beside Bridgette and Geoff, and he was joined by Beth and Lindsay a moment later.

"I can't wait for Season 2!" Lindsay gushed as she dropped to her knees. "I'm going to be on TV!"

Beth forced a grim smile. "Zeke, I'm real sorry that you won't be competing with us."

"Yeah. Thanks for remindin' me 'bout that, homes."

"I mean, it doesn't seem fair that _Heather_ will be on the show again when you were the first one voted off and everything."

"Yep."

"Well… I hope you realize it won't be quite the same. You know, hanging out with everybody without you and Cody and all the others being there."

"Nope."

Beth tugged at the front of her shirt with one finger. "Um… Are you upset that Lindsay and I-"

"Yeah, just a little bit, homie. I mean, ya kinda ran off without me and all, but 'tis _The Zeke_ 's own fault. And he'll be rootin' for ya to win the whole second season, eh?"

She raised her gaze from her cake, smiling in a way that looked almost strained. "You would root for me even though I'm a girl?"

Ezekiel put down his plate and sighed. "There's nothin' wrong with bein' a girl, and I've ne'er thought there was either. Girls are pretty and nice and funny and smart and e'erythin' else that's good and all. S'long as they don't plan to leave a guy for dead in the path of a stampede a' wild horses, there really ain't nothin' wrong with bein' a girl at all."

"I like that," Lindsay said after a moment. "I don't think I get it, but I think I like it. Are you quoting something from a book?"

"Um… nope. Just. Just me, eh?"

"That was… sweet, I guess. Weird, but sweet. Friendship bracelet?" Beth took one from her wrist and held it out to Ezekiel. "I mean, I know it's no million dollars or second season, and it's not exactly my best work, but… it's green. That's your favorite color, right?"

It fell apart like a train of dominos when she dropped it into his hand.

"Um, I'll make you a new one when I'm rich and can buy some new beads and things."

"Think I'd really like that, Beth," and she smiled at him before turning back to her dessert, which was then shoveled into her mouth at top speed with her fork. Cake spilled down her front, but she didn't seem to notice it. Heh. What a little pig. Really, truly, honestly, girls were so… so…

… Eh.


End file.
